backonthemarket Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Hello all you nice people! I am a divorced 36 year old with no children, and I recently broke up with a longterm boyfriend. Now I have begun to date again, and I have been out 4 times with a lovely man with 3 children. This guy is 44, stable, very successful, ultra smart, introspective and clearly devoted to his kids. He has his children every other day, has been divorced quite awhile and is amicable with his ex. We have a striking number of things in common, but obviously I am a stranger to breeding culture. I have to say that I am interested in the whole situation, because the kids sound sweet and are old enough to be tons of fun (the youngest is already 10). He is obviously a great dad as well, which I am finding surprisingly attractive. He has made more than one comment about having me meet his kids (but not immediately), which surprises me at this early stage. We haven't even mentioned exclusivity or had sex yet! I've only known him 3 weeks, and I was under the impression that you're supposed to wait eons before meeting someone's kids. In general, he has mentioned wanting to "go slow" with me (I think in terms of spending time together--or perhaps sex) because he sees "potential" and seems to be excited about me. He has been calling quite a bit, and we definitely have cool conversations---and chemistry and similar values... Now, I don't seem to have a strong urge to have children, but I do like kids a lot. I wish I knew for sure whether I wanted to have children, but I DO know that I want to get married again. In many ways, having a built-in family without having to be an official mother or having to go through pregnancy could be ideal for me. However, I am a fledgling here and don't begin to know the complications of dating a half-time father. Should I be asking him about what he wants out of a relationship, or is it too early to ask? And, should I also ask about whether he wants to have more children? I expect that he's done with that, which isn't a complete dealbreaker for me anyway. I am not an especially needy person, so I could deal with the lack of undivided attention (and I have a dissertation to write...). However, my last relationship took WAY too long to get off the ground, and I don't feel as patient as I used to. So, I do wonder whether a guy with such a crazy schedule might take too long to establish anything serious. At my age, I am not eager to waste a whole lot of time in a casual relationship. Still, I have a gut feeling that this guy has more serious intentions. He's not overdoing it, but he acts affectionate and sweet and talks about places we should go in the future. And I don't think it's a purely sexual thing on his end (we've only kissed, and he hasn't been pushy). Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
madjac74 Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 but I DO know that I want to get married again. There is nothing worse than going back into the dating world with this attitude. You are only going to try to accelerate things and cause disaster with him and his kids. After 3 weeks you have only kissed but you are wondering whether you can be a step mom to his kids and possibly have your own with him? Just like I said above, you are trying to accelerate things. He may just be thinking that he has a nice companion...and not a mother to his kids. As you said he already has a good relationship with his kid's mom and likely doesn't see the need to replace her.
Author backonthemarket Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 Wow, I am not talking about replacing someone's mom or getting married tomorrow. In fact, I am not a fast mover in relationships. At my age, however, people are quite upfront about their intentions and usually talk about them BEFORE they get too attached. You don't just hang out with people indefinitely and leave caution to the wind---especially when kids are involved. I have simply never considered a guy with kids before and want to think about the ramifications before possibly going down that road. It seems like a bad idea to be hanging out with this guy's kids if neither he nor I had any real intentions of a proper relationship. Meeting someone's kids is NOT like meeting his college buddies, but perhaps I SHOULD be more cavalier. That's why I posted here. Perhaps a single dad can explain how he views the dating progression? That would be extremely helpful.
Author backonthemarket Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 Haha, well touché... Also, keep in mind that I am not overdoing it myself in this new relationship. In fact, I'm still going on dates with other men and not making any massive assumptions here. Madjac, what is it like for you when you start dating someone?
kaylan Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 But OP, many guys cannot know their intentions for you until they actually know you and date you a while. I understand you wanting marriage and possible kids, but dating still takes some time. Dont allow a biological click to make you rush decisions, because you could end up like many people and end up marrying the wrong guy or having kids with the person whos not right for you. TBH, if you already iffy about biological kids, you can always adopt. Plenty of kids out there need a good home.
madjac74 Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Haha, well touché... Also, keep in mind that I am not overdoing it myself in this new relationship. In fact, I'm still going on dates with other men and not making any massive assumptions here. Madjac, what is it like for you when you start dating someone? It's nearly impossible for me to date anyway... but women even the ones with kids do not understand that I work a lot and I miss my kids and even on a weekend I want to spend time with my kids. Even if I like a girl, I may go a few days without contacting her because of my job and my kids. It doesn't work for most women. I know that doesn't help your situation but you did ask me what it is like for me. When i read your situation and you said you weren't sure if you are interested in kids and the built-in family thing, turned me right off.
RedRobin Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 (edited) I actually kind of prefer men who have children (I don't have any of my own), provided the relationship with their ex is stable and we (me and the ex) get along. Usually that means the person has been divorced for awhile and settled into a new routine. I tend to avoid newly divorced guys for lots of reasons... but the ones with kids have an extra dose to deal with. If all of that is in place, it is nice having some hand in helping raise a child... more as a responsible co-adult... not a replacement for their other parent. That would never happen. You'll have to get used to the idea that it really is alot like volunteer 'work'... It is important that the other person is responsible, mindful, and acknowledges the effort you put in... even if that 'effort' is simply understanding how crazy life can be as a parent. I wouldn't be with a man with children who took me or my efforts for granted as just something 'women do'... for instance. I have other possible uses for my time... which include possibly making a difference in another child's life who might need me more... All that said... I feel there has to be distinctions and some time where the kids aren't involved. That is unique to each couple though. Edited September 9, 2012 by RedRobin
Author backonthemarket Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 Thank you for the responses. Madjac, I'm sorry to hear you can't really date, but, like you said, you have other priorities. Right now, dating IS a priority for me, but your responses definitely reminded me that I need to take it one step at a time. Usually I just "hang out" in relationships and don't think of the future, but then I find myself in longterm relationships with people I don't love or don't see a future with. So, I'm trying to be more mindful. At this point, men like to talk about dating aspirations on the first date---and I'm more likely to talk about books or movies! I don't enjoy dates that are like interviews, but I have noticed that these men want to talk about their feelings/aspirations/former relationships immediately. I agree that dating a man who has JUST divorced would be problematic. This man has been divorced 7 years and has a very stable situation with his ex (college sweetheart). Where I live, people wait, wait wait to get married and have kids, so it's quite unusual to see an educated guy of his age with older kids. This particular man is definitely thoughtful and introspective, so it took a second to get him out of his shell. He has noticed that I want to hear about him and seems appreciative. But, I suppose that he's the one doing the calling, asking out, planning dates, etc...
Author backonthemarket Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 Another rather petty question: Things are going well with the Dad guy. We have day/night plans on Saturday, and I know he'll want to do some fun activities (like a good dad, he's an avid planner!). He has been to my place twice (we live about 40 mins from each other), but I haven't been to his. Since he lives farther away, has kids (but not on the nights when we've been out of course) and lives in a hotter microclimate, I haven't been to his house. We haven't even come close to having sex yet, but I definitely wouldn't sleep with someone whose house I hadn't been to. Now, should I expect NOT to go to his place for awhile? I don't know the protocol on this one... It doesn't matter THAT much, but I always like to see where someone lives--especially when I meet that person online. Maybe it's a question to ask him? Thanks!
2sure Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I completely agree with seeing someone's home before I have sex with them or even get too close. I thought it was just me. And it's not because I want to see what they have , I want to know how they live, whats important, and their priorities...which, I think can be evident in a persons home...at least to a degree. Also, if you don't feel comfortable inviting me to your home...I'm not inviting you to my bed. Yuck. Parents are more likely to not have plans and specific expectations for relationships...I think we are more likely to just wait and see where it goes naturally.
suladas Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Having just dated a single women with kids, if it's the first time it's really tough. At least I found it much tougher with kids involved, and when you're around the kids. Especially when the ex was not happy she was dating and making things difficult for her, like refusing to take the kids when he was suppose to to sabotage our dates. Because the women I was with was done with kids, it meant if I wanted to be in a relationship with her I had to know i'd never have my own kids. It puts a lot of stress on you early on to know exactly what you want (even if you don't know). In the end, the ex and kids, played a huge part in the break up. If they haven't dated yet, they might feel guilty taking time away from the kids to be with you. It might be early, but you do have to think if you can see yourself with someone with kids quite early on in my opinion. I'm just getting back out there, and right now I will not date someone with kids under any circumstances because of what happened in my last relationship.
Author backonthemarket Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 Thanks for the advice! This man has definitely dated before (in fact, I believe he just broke up with somebody), and he seems very much at peace with his situation. He happily talks about his kids in a healthy way. Guess he's been divorced awhile and has kids for 17 years, so it's all very normal to him. He did make a comment about meeting them a week ago (he said "If and when you meet my kids..."), but I figure I'd want to go to his house first without them. This guy started out very awkwardly with me (he was shy at first), but he's warmed up and now seems more confident. Clearly, he is in his element with his kids, so I don't foresee major problems if we were to eventually meet. I do well with kids (since I am goofy and NOT maternal), and I'm not a big drama queen/attention whore. I have to say that their sports/Halloween/gaming outings sound ridiculously fun. That is the aspect of having kids that I'd be into, so perhaps this could work. I WOULD hope to go to his place eventually. For me, it's a bit of a vetting process, and you can understand much more about a person when you see him at home. It's not about money but just personal style, habits, etc...
phineas Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 It's nearly impossible for me to date anyway... but women even the ones with kids do not understand that I work a lot and I miss my kids and even on a weekend I want to spend time with my kids. Even if I like a girl, I may go a few days without contacting her because of my job and my kids. It doesn't work for most women. I know that doesn't help your situation but you did ask me what it is like for me. When i read your situation and you said you weren't sure if you are interested in kids and the built-in family thing, turned me right off. I'm in a similar situation. I have them every weekend & half the week. so I basically have two week nights & Sunday night without kids. Plus i'm 40 & they are 4 & 6. So it's tough since a lot of women my age are empty nester's or consider my kids baggage even though THEY have kids themselves in the same age range.
Author backonthemarket Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 Phineas, I'm sorry to hear that dating is so challenging for you. Your schedule does not sound particularly conducive to dating, and that's a shame. Women your age with kids aren't interested in men with kids? That shocks me, but you would know better than I. Since I live in a big city, lots of us are single and childless (or divorced like I am, which is basically the same thing) in our mid and late 30s. We just have a lot of everybody here! In the 3 years I've been divorced, I've found plenty of single/divorced men who are appropriate for me, but this is the first dad I've dated. While it sounds difficult to be a divorced dad or to date one, I would think that plenty of women would respect the situation. I'd rather have a 40 year old guy with a proven track record of commitment and maturity than some impossible bachelor. This new guy is definitely doing everything right and seems to have enough time to date (going on date #6 tomorrow). However, he's still going online (as am I), so I don't know the scenario yet. I figure that at least a month needs to go by before exclusivity is broached, and we haven't gotten ultra physical yet. That could all change this weekend though...
It's Just Me Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I dated a man in the past with kids, and am currently dating one now with kids. Like you, don't have any of my own. Focus on moving things forward between the two of you. And let him make the call on meeting the kids, drawing you into his life, etc. It's a delicate thing, and not for anyone but him to decide until he's comfortable. Enjoy!
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I'm 21 and I like dating men with children, I have done it kind of a lot
mortensorchid Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I have dated divorced guys with children. In these cases, the man either is out of the picture with his kids, the kids are older and more independent, or their kids live somewhere else. If these are little kids (as in under age 12), they might be resentful of your being their and secretly hope that the parents will get back together somehow. A childhood friend of mine has a 5 year old daughter, he and his wife divorced last year, and she says to him all the time that she's sad and hopes that they were living together again. He's had a gf or two since, and his daughter has said that she does not like that her mom and dad are not with each other anymore but with other people. If they are little kids, the kids will come first. And ... you're not. So if you are ready to always be second behind his kids then that's ok, but know that this is always going to be there.
Author backonthemarket Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 Great advice! I wouldn't dream of mentioning meeting the kids; that's his show, and I was surprised he casually brought it up on our 4th date. Since he's been divorced for 7 years, I'm thinking that his kids know the drill by now. They're not terribly young, and they sound well-adjusted... Perhaps even going to his house is a delicate thing? I am reasonably certain that he is in fact divorced, so I don't really need to vet him. It's good advice to concentrate on the two of us, because all that other kid stuff can come later. Until we're exclusive and on a certain track, it would seem inappropriate anyway. At one point I found myself asking some questions about his kids (not hounding him interview-style but just wanting to hear about how his son drives, etc...), and then I became self-conscious about my curiosity. He said that he wanted me to know these things about him and seemed generally happy about my interest. Like I said, he is very welcoming and likes to talk about his kids.
Author backonthemarket Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 Actually, he did end up taking me to his house for a little bit last night. We had an awesome all day/evening date (very romantic!), and we did stop there to hang out for a little bit (but didn't go to the bedrooms!!). It was definitely nice to see where he lives. We've had many conversations about our feelings, etc... He seems to like to check in and have state of the union discussions (a new one for me but very much appreciated). He seems to think that we are truly matched for something deeper, and I can't say I disagree. He asked me if I was concerned about our age difference, and I said absolutely not (it's only 8 or 9 years, which isn't problematic for me). I admitted that I was initially intimidated by his having 3 kids--since his experience was so different from anything I was used to. However, I explained that I don't feel intimidated now. It's all looking good...
CarrieT Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I admitted that I was initially intimidated by his having 3 kids--since his experience was so different from anything I was used to. However, I explained that I don't feel intimidated now. It's all looking good... OP, I am in your boat. But being in my late 40s, I NEVER wanted children and previously rejected men that had part-time custody of any children under the age of 16ish (I figured at that point, the kids were mostly on their own and not wanting to spend time with a parent). Until last year... I met a guy online and, at the time, I have no idea why he was the exception when he told me he had 50% custody of his three kids - B10, G13, B14. Now, a full year later, I am becoming integrated into the family. But we took it very, very slowly. He and I dated a full four months before I was introduced to his children. We knew we were going to be exclusive after our third date, but he has been very specific in guiding the relationship as far as his children are concerned. After being introduced to the kids, I would spend one weekend day with the family; teaching them to bicycle, going to science museums, learning to make pizza or potstickers (I was doing the teaching)... Then, four months into this sort of thing, I went on the family vacation with them, sleeping in a different room. We are approaching our first year anniversary and my "sleep overs" still involve me sleeping on a couch, not in my BF's bed when the kids are there. Now we are planning on merging our households next March, but the kids don't know that yet. I won't be sleeping in his bed until after Christmas at least. Going back to me never wanting kids... Needless to say, no one is more surprised than I am at how much I have changed in suddenly having children in my life. But these are good kids (with Ivy League-educated parents) who are being raised well. And they like me...
Author backonthemarket Posted September 17, 2012 Author Posted September 17, 2012 Well, maybe I spoke too quickly... The guy ended up spending the night on Saturday (was not our intention, but there were unforeseen circumstances). Everything was fine, although it was of course a bit intense to have a new person sleeping over. We haven't had sex, but we did basically get naked. He stayed for breakfast, and we talked/hung out/cuddled. I had some stuff going on last night, so he asked me to tell him how it went. I wrote him a couple of messages yesterday (nice stuff---not too much really), and he didn't answer back yesterday. I ALSO saw that he was going online (and, incidentally, I've been hiding my profile for 4 or 5 days...). I said in a nice way that it bothered me that he hadn't written back (wrote this late last night), and I haven't heard back this morning yet. So, what the heck??? We certainly haven't talked about exclusivity, but he has been saying lots of things that indicate he thinks we have a strong connection and potential for something deeper, etc... Could I have misinterpreted his intentions, or did something suddenly change?
Author backonthemarket Posted September 18, 2012 Author Posted September 18, 2012 False alarm. He lost his phone yesterday and was apologetic. He had no other to contact me until he got a new phone this afternoon. However, I'm going to slow my roll here and try not to get so involved so fast. Ever since my very recent breakup, I've been kind of nutty about relationships and tend to obsess. I just need to let things breathe and relax. Some stuff came up for me when this guy spent the night (first person spending the night since my ex) that made me realize that I'm not over my breakup, so I think I should slow down. I'm trying to replace my ex, and that's not the way to go.
soccerrprp Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 False alarm. He lost his phone yesterday and was apologetic. He had no other to contact me until he got a new phone this afternoon. However, I'm going to slow my roll here and try not to get so involved so fast. Ever since my very recent breakup, I've been kind of nutty about relationships and tend to obsess. I just need to let things breathe and relax. Some stuff came up for me when this guy spent the night (first person spending the night since my ex) that made me realize that I'm not over my breakup, so I think I should slow down. I'm trying to replace my ex, and that's not the way to go. Ugh, as a single parent (father) of two very young children, dating is tough enough, but to get involved with someone who is not fully open and ready for a new relationship really sucks. I've been there and when you begin to have contact with the kids, it really complicates things. Really, if you have any doubts, you should tell him that it would be better, for now, that you don't have dates/outtings that include the children.
Author backonthemarket Posted September 18, 2012 Author Posted September 18, 2012 Soccerrprp, Thanks for the message. Fortunately, I haven't met his kids yet (only been on 6 very long dates) but did go to his house when they weren't there the other night. He talks about them a lot using their proper names, and he seems (though I could be wrong here) to be interested in a deeper relationship with me. Certainly, he wants me to know all about them, but we're not at that point. My guess is that he could be dating others too, so I doubt that he'd move too quickly on meeting the kids anyway. He and I both just broke up with other people. I don't know his situation really, but mine is quite recent. About 2 weeks ago, he said he was conflicted because he wanted to be greedy and spend tons of time with me but that he also thought it would be more prudent to take things slowly since he saw potential here. I don't know whether he said that because he had just broken up with someone or because he thought we could blow it if we moved too quickly. We might have gotten a little caught up (romantically, etc...) the other night on our 22 hour date, and I think I overreacted to his lack of response yesterday when he lost his phone. That just shows that I'm not ready to get super serious yet. Usually I am a patient and trusting person. So, I'm going to try to take a second here, regain my composure, and get some work done. Since I broke up with my longterm boyfriend at the beginning of August, I've been unfocused workwise and on a dating rampage. I haven't been sleeping around, but I've been dating up a storm and finding myself uncharacteristically interested in lots of people (rebound?!?!?). Fear crept in because suddenly I was a divorced 36 year old out on the market. Aah! I'm not having trouble attracting people or meeting good dudes, but I did have one man play me. That had never happened to me before, and it hurt. Most importantly, I need to realize that it's ok to be single for awhile. Obviously, this madness has to stop before I get seriously involved with a very levelheaded and mature man with 3 kids!! Normally I am a mature individual, but this has been a strange moment in my life...
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