no sex - she's in her 30s

[zxcvb123]

Please do not respond if you're under 30.

 

I'm in love with a woman who won't have sex with me, and we are in our mid 30s. I need to determine if I should end this or not. Please don't respond if you're not at least 30, I know it sounds offensive to you all youngsters, but the experience isn't there that could potentially help me.

 

I've been with her for three months. We haven't seen anyone else in this time. Both of us hadn't dated for a while before we met. We see a lot of each other, about five days per week on average. So, it's not like I've only seen her a dozen times in three months.

 

I'm crazy about her. We have a ton of chemistry; I've never been turned on by a woman like this. I feel goofy just from kissing her. Aside from no sex, there has been no sexual activity other than touching, nothing leading to orgasms. I haven't even slept in the same bed as her believe it or not.

 

The worst thing about being my age is the women I've dated this millennium want sex on the second date and freak out when I won't. I know not all women my age are like that, but the ones I've been finding sure have been. I'm traditional. I won't sleep with a woman I'm not in love with. I've never cheated on a girl, and never would. Sex isn't even that important to me, to the point that exes have been the initiators for the most part. But, it's important enough to me that I want to sleep with a woman that is my dream girl and three months have gone by. This is one hell of a conundrum. I finally meet a woman who isn't just interested in sex, but now it's not even an option!

 

I ruled out the possibility that she is having sex with someone else. She is too busy, we spend a ton of time together, and she lives about three minutes away from me.

 

There have been three reasons she's gave me. The first was after a month or so and she said not yet. The second time was a month ago and because it was that time of the month. The third, just recently, she said that she wants to wait until she's sure, but I don't know what she is looking to be sure about. She has told me she's never been this attracted to someone and has never felt like this about someone before. I don't know to believe her or not. My gut is telling me that she is being truthful with me, but also that there is something very revealing that I do not yet know. But, my gut was wrong one time in 1996 so I can't claim 100% accuracy when my instincts are involved. But, almost always!

 

She texts me every morning to say good morning, and every night before she goes to bed. She's a competitive athlete, and I'm sure I'm taking time away from her training schedule so I assume she is serious about me. My head is telling me wait longer schmuck and have patience, but my gut is waving red flags like crazy.

 

Some things here are unprecedented for me; I don't know how much to allocate reason to that. She doesn't seem very sexually experienced, I don't think she's had many boyfriends. When I compliment her for being pretty, it's like she's never been complimented before and she blushes. It's ridiculous because she's beautiful in every regard and has a lean and shapely body that any normal woman would want. I've done nice things for her that I've done for women in the past, and she always seems so surprised and grateful that I can't believe it. She was anorexic a few years back, she has OCD but not awful bad (unless she's hiding it), and her dad is unreasonable and the dominating type. You know the type of control freak that insists on everything their way and feels that anyone who doesn't go to their church is worthless? I call these types the "unreasonable dominators." She is averse to germs, or at least the idea of them, or something I can't make sense of. For example, she washes her hands after touching me even though there's been no orgasm and I shower before seeing her. To me that's just weird.

 

At this point, anyone over 30 completely understands why I didn't want youngsters contributing

 

I have narrowed the possibilities to three. 1-She is very emotionally wounded and will never have sex with me, and won't be able to tell me why, and I will be hurt when I finally decide to end this. 2-She is completely insane but my sentiment is blinding me to this even though my gut is waving red flags (that has happened before, an ex killed herself so I KNOW it's possible). 3-She is serious about me and literally wants to wait half a year or until marriage for sex (problem is I can't afford a wedding for at least five years or so and I can't hold out that long).

 

I've tried to include as many details necessary for you sexually advanced geniuses, relationship masters, and psychological virtuosos to do your thing and analyze away. Any input will be appreciated. It won't be the primary basis for my decision or lack thereof, but it will definitely contribute and help me out here

[denise_xo]

I would say that, if you are both over 30, after three months of seeing each other that much you should be able to have an open and honest conversation about this, and about how you view sex and where your boundaries for engaging in sex are. So, I would encourage you to just ask her more directly the kind of questions you are asking here (not as in 'are you completely insane' but as in 'what does waiting until you are sure' mean, what are your general boundaries for sex, and so on). If she is 'traditional' like you, is inexperienced, and has OCD and body related issues, then that mix of factors might explain her hesitation as well as why she is not particularly articulate about it. But at the end of the day, only she can give you that answer. And yes, I'm over 30

[kassy]

My guess would be that she is either someone who has been in some form of unhealthy relationship (or been sexually abused), or she has very little sexual experience and is terrified she will be bad in bed and you will leave her.

 

I have a friend who is 36 and hot, and dated very little because I think she is terrified of it. Her lack of dating baffles everyone.

 

Have you tried taking things slow and progressing things slowly? Not pushing for sex, telling her you are fine with taking things slow and exploring each others bodies etc?

 

Basically lots of fore play. It doesn't sound like there's anything happening at all except kissing right now. Take it super slow, make her feel like a goddess. Establish trust and see how things go. Sounds like you guys need to talk more too.

 

Don't ask her what she likes, she might not know and that might feel awkward for her.

 

Basically imagine you are 15 year old virgins again, but with your experience as a lover you can progress things less awkwardly!

 

If she isn't interested in progressing slowly physically then Id cut my losses.

 

Good luck

[Star Gazer]

The last guy that I waited that long to have sex with, I just wasn't all that interested in. He sure thought I was, though.

 

So, I think you're missing a fourth option/reason...

[backonthemarket]

My first instinct is that she was sexually abused. The eating disorder, germ phobias and controlling father certainly suggest it. In fact, the rigorous control of her body through exercise is also a sign; she's some sort of ascetic. Now, that doesn't mean that she definitely WAS sexually abused, and who knows whether her father could have done anything like that. However, there's clearly something going on there. Maybe you could talk with her and ascertain whether there is a real aversion to sex based on prior experiences? She may or may not admit to it, but I think that talking is the best foreplay for someone like this. No matter what happened to her, she needs to trust you. To her, sex is a loaded gun, and she also needs to know that you're not going to go anywhere if she freaks out during sex or doesn't perform well.

 

This is perhaps an unfair question, but how much of your attraction to her is based on the fact that she is unattainable? I ask this because another possibility is that she had sex with a man who then promptly dumped her. So, she might be waiting as long as possible to avoid that sort of situation. Women are advised to wait, wait, wait on sex, so her Puritanical actions (or, rather, lack of actions) demonstrate exemplary female willpower.

[utterer of lies]

There is exactly one solution: Talk to her. Ask her why, in a calm moment, when you both have time. Without pressure.

[KraftDinner]

I'm over 30! Female.

 

I know she has a lovely figure that you believe is enviable by all, but if she's suffered from anorexia, this doesn't matter. Even if she's "cured" or whatever, she probably has lousy body image issues.

 

Now that could be part of it, but possibly not the whole reason. From what you said, I really got the sense that she's afraid of sex. The excuses...odd.

 

Maybe as someone suggested, she has a history of sexual abuse.

 

But the fact is you need to talk to her. Be gentle but I really think she ought to share the reason(s) with you...maybe communicate how important it is for you to understand.

[Negative Nancy]

My guess would be that she is either someone who has been in some form of unhealthy relationship (or been sexually abused), or she has very little sexual experience and is terrified she will be bad in bed and you will leave her

 

That would be my guess too.

 

The past anorexia also indicates some psychological issues that might or might not have something to do with this.

[Joaquin]

Whatever her issues, you've a fairly major relationship need that isn't being met by this girl.

 

Whether she is unwilling or unable to have sex with you, are you sure you wanna take this girl on. Surely you want to be a bf, not a psych councillor.

[ja123]

I agree with what backonthe market said.

 

I would also say that anorexia isn't a past issue, though it might be under control, it's something that is there for life.

 

As someone said above, do you want to be a psych counsellor or a boyfriend.

 

I know you are emotionally involved at this point, but honestly I think there are some major issues with this woman which aren't going to go away over night.

 

I know someone who is in an LTR with a woman who was sexually abused. He loves her, but they have an agreement that he can get his sexual needs met outside the relationship if he doesn't rub her face in it and doesn't fall in love with the other woman. Is this something you could see yourself doing?

 

The fact that she has OCD, and washes her hands after touching you, does not forbode well for a good sexual relationship. Can you accept that?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

While the OP may love this woman, there is exactly nothing in the thread that suggests that they are "in love", thus the likely reason she isn't wanting to share sex with him. Unlike him, she can get sex anywhere, so sex isn't that big of a deal to her when just for the sake of physical satisfaction.

[spiderowl]

I think you need to talk to her and ask her what her views on sex are. Ask her what she means when she says 'ready'. Otherwise you are just going to be wondering all the time.

[Jane2011]

lol, I'm naturally biased against people who won't have sex for three or four months because they will only have sex when they are "in love after three or four platonic months have passed." I know it's not fair, but in your stance there's implicit judgment, in my opinion, of those who do have sex sooner than three or four months.

 

There's something to be said for not waiting for three or four months. You know the person actually can and will have sex with you before you've invested three months of your time into some problematic person who's over 30 and won't have sex.

 

Also, I don't see why you're asking only people over 30. I can see regarding the opinions mostly of those who give you good advice and disregarding the goofy advice, but just blanketly saying "no people under 30 reply to this" is kinda silly. Lots of people under 30 on this forum are pretty insightful about relationships. Lots of people over 30 are goofballs.

 

You assume only people over 30 have anything smart to say, just as you assume people who have sex early can't fall in love. (I know you didn't say that, but the way you write your original post, like you and this magical woman who's demure, humble, angelic and had little sex or even boyfriends have this fairytale romance that is somehow more special than what other people have because you didn't have sex for three months -- annoying). I think you're both ridiculous for making out and holding hands for three months. Being in a rather judgmental mood at this moment, I'm over 30 and I say...good for you that your girl won't have sex with you. Maybe next time you'll find a woman who likes sex and stop assuming that women who do like it can't also be worthy of relationships.

Edited September 10, 2012 by Jane2011

[GG3]

Seems like a lot of time being spent together for not having sex.

 

I am 33. When I was in my mid-twenties I had a couple of "boyfriends" that I dated that I never had sex with. One I dated for six months and gave very little sexual activity. We were more like friends. (I look back and wonder what he must have thought but for some reason he put up with it.) Another I dated for two months and did the same thing.

 

My issue...I really hadn't found someone at that point in my life that I was very into. These two guys were nice guys and I felt like there was something wrong with me (since I wasn't meeting anyone I really liked) and since they were nice I should date them. But I didn't want to have sex with them and treated them more like friends. Now that I'm older I know what I'm looking for, what I like and focus on that.

 

I'm not saying that is what this woman is doing but am trying to offer another possibility.

 

Three months at around 5 nights a week is a lot. I think you should try to talk to her and get some answers. If she doesn't have some issues that she is willing to talk about and work through, I would move on. I think at three months she should be able to give you some reasons and at least owes you that much.

[runner]

The last guy that I waited that long to have sex with, I just wasn't all that interested in. He sure thought I was, though.

 

So, I think you're missing a fourth option/reason...

 

i'm also curious about the 'chemistry' in the OP's relationship. how are things in terms of making out ? i don't get the sense that there is a lot of hot and heavy action going on; as if he's just not doing it enough, ie, getting her sexually aroused for sex.

 

OP even admits that sex isn't all that important to him. would it be possible that she can sense this, contributing to her feeling of 'meh' ?

 

PS, i'm above 30, but there are some under 30's posters here that have some true wisdom you could learn from. just sayin.

[BewitchedandBothered]

OP; you seem to be overanalyzing here. If she wanted to have sex with you, she would have. She was probably waiting for feelings to kick in; seems like they are there on your part, but not hers.

[backonthemarket]

I don't know that we can assume she doesn't WANT to have sex. It is, of course, not out of the realm of the possible.

 

5 nights a week x 12 weeks = 60 dates. Clearly, the OP has invested time and energy, so his girlfriend must know that he is smitten. Furthermore, he hasn't pressured her for sex and might have become less of a sexualized male in her eyes. In light of his devotion, his girlfriend doesn't have much to lose by waiting a bit longer. While pressuring a woman for sex is never a good idea, the OP certainly could press her for a reason or perhaps a timeframe.

[Emilia]

My first instinct is that she was sexually abused. The eating disorder, germ phobias and controlling father certainly suggest it. In fact, the rigorous control of her body through exercise is also a sign; she's some sort of ascetic. Now, that doesn't mean that she definitely WAS sexually abused, and who knows whether her father could have done anything like that. However, there's clearly something going on there. Maybe you could talk with her and ascertain whether there is a real aversion to sex based on prior experiences? She may or may not admit to it, but I think that talking is the best foreplay for someone like this. No matter what happened to her, she needs to trust you. To her, sex is a loaded gun, and she also needs to know that you're not going to go anywhere if she freaks out during sex or doesn't perform well.

 

 

this was what jumped out at me from the OP as well