brokeninVA Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Well, I'll just start this off by saying I've done a lot, and I mean a LOT, that I regret. My marriage of a little over 6 years has never been a cakewalk. My husband and I are very different people, and it's always been a struggle for us to make things work between us. We enjoy different types of things, have very different tastes. I more enjoy seeing and doing, while he's more of a stay-at-home kind of guy. We have lead very separate lives, and I've most often had to substitute in my friends into places in my life where a spouse or partner should be present. Most of my weekends during our marriage were spent with friends because he was "busy" and unavailable to me. Week nights were much the same. Occasionally we would come together and things would be great. And believe me, when they were great, they were really great... but I've always felt a huge void in our relationship and the great times were few and far between, mostly because his presence was. Though my love for him kept me with him, and I hoped that eventually things would change. About a year and a half ago, I began to develop feelings for a man I met through a mutual acquaintance. Additionally, sadly and much to the detriment of my usually stellar moral code, this man was married. I knew it was wrong to get involved with him at the very start of things, but after so much loneliness and being so unfulfilled in my marriage, it was nice to have someone who wanted to be with me and spend time with me. We continued along this path together until it became a full-blown affair and we had both fallen hard for each other. He even ended his marriage of 30 years to be with me and has been waiting on me ever since to follow suit, which was roughly 4 months ago. Since all this began, my husband and I have been back and forth between together and separated for about 9 months. And here, in the 9th inning, he's finally stared coming around. He's making an effort to be there for me. Finally, after all this time of waiting, he's become the partner I'd always been wanting. Now here I am and I've done this awful thing. I have this horrible secret and have been living a lie in my marriage for the past 16 months. Yes, I've actually allowed all this to go on for this long-- though not for lack of trying. I have tried to move on and make a decision of whether to stay or go. Whether to call things off with the other man and try and repair my marriage, or to jump ship and start a life with the man sacrificed a 30-year relationship to be with me. I still love my husband, though I am no longer really physically attracted to him. I understand that, at this point, things are basically irreparable because of what I've done. Even if we could rekindle things (the physical attraction I mentioned being absent on my end), if he knew the truth, I know he wouldn't want to stay with me. Still I can't find it within myself to walk away from him. We've been back and forth between together and separated for the past 6 months now, and tonight have finally decided to get a divorce. It is taking everything I have not to run to him and say that I'll stay and we can make it work, because it's me who is leaving him. This was my decision, and though it's not something I really want to do (I don't want to end my marriage), it's what I feel like I should do. God knows I have spent so much time doing the wrong thing here lately, I want to do right by him and let him go so that he can find someone else who will treat him right and be the wife to him that he deserves to have. But is this the right thing to do? Just bail on a marriage I would desperately like to try and make work? I know you all will read this and think I'm a horrible person. I get that, and I certainly feel like it. Obviously, I am sorry for what I've done. The number of lives that can be ruined by a few careless actions are many, and I've learned that all too well. I just need some outside advice because I truly don't know what to do at this point.
2sunny Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Were you honest with your H - did you tell him you cheated?
Author brokeninVA Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 No, I have not. Many have told me that it would be more hurtful for him to know, and this is coming from people who have both been in my position who have seen what their actions have done and people who have been cheated upon in relationships and decided to stay and work through it. I was concerned also that this would scar him in his future relationships, making him very bitter toward women and creating serious trust issues going forward. I don't want to ruin his future possibility for happiness. Apart from this, both he and his family have pretty bad tempers. I don't think he would hurt me if he knew, we haven't had any history of violence in our relationship, but because of things that have been said (namely "I would kill my wife if she ever cheated on me"), I can't be sure. And as for his family, I've been both stalked and threatened by his mother... and for things as ridiculous as maintaining contact with people who have been ostracized from the family. I can't even imagine what torment would befall me if the truth got out. I have considered that being honest would help him move on from me more easily. And believe me, I'd love to just be able to come clean and ask for forgiveness. I wouldn't feel right about just keeping this horrible secret and continuing along like nothing happened-- starting a family, etc. with someone I've done this to. Very, very torn here. I just don't know what to do.
TaraMaiden Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Did you tell the other guy you would also end your marriage to be with him? Have you been in touch with him, and are you still seeing him?
Author brokeninVA Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 We did have an understanding to leave our spouses to be together, yes. And I have been in touch with him, yes.
Author brokeninVA Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 (edited) Though I don't think this is something I want to follow through with. How you can build a lasting relationship this way, I just don't think is possible. It's foundation is nothing but lies, and the hurt we've caused our spouses. We'll never be able to fully trust each other after the way we went about this. Edited September 9, 2012 by brokeninVA
TaraMaiden Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Does he know that now? Because if he was under the impression that you were going to leave your H., and now he has no idea that this is a new dilemma - you do realise just what a phukk-up this all is, don't you? Your H knowing about your affair is just ONE of your problems....
TaraMaiden Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Though I don't think this is something I want to follow through with. How you can build a lasting relationship this way, I just don't think is possible. It's foundation is nothing but lies, and the hurt we've caused our spouses. We'll never be able to fully trust each other after the way we went about this. That's a bullschytt excuse. there are millions of second-time-around couples who met whilst cheating on their exes, and they're fine together. They were just with the wrong person initially.
Author brokeninVA Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 For all intents and purposes, I think my obligation is first and foremost to my husband. This man and I have discussed the situation and we both have agreed that if either of us were to reconsider and try to work things out with our spouses, that we each would be fine with the others decision. It's not as though I've screwed him over by being the added motivation to get out of an already toxic relationship. After all, we were both in relationships with a number of serious problems all on their own independent of our affair.
GuyInLimbo Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 I used to be judgmental against people who had affairs, but as I've gotten older, I sort of get it now. Not that it makes it right. Anyway, you really created a BAD situation by agreeing to be with someone, having him end a 30-year relationship and then hem and haw afterwards. That's not fair to anyone in the picture here. You need to stick with you decision to leave the marriage, if anything. If there are certain things you can't re-kindle, the relationship is doomed. Period. So don't waste any more of your H's time or yours. Get it over with. As for your new relationship, no one can predict the future. But I feel it's bad karma and that if you both left marriages because you cheated, then what's to say it can't happen again? Sounds like you need to extract yourself from all relationships right now and get your head on straight to figure out who/what you really want. I wish you luck. I can only imagine how messed up this must be for you.
TaraMaiden Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Karma doesn't mean 'Come-uppance', 'revenge' or 'payback'. Karma actually means 'Volitional or intentional action'. Enough with the karma misinterpretation, already!!
carhill Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Given the totality of what you've shared, OP, I'd recommend mediation and as amicable and generous a divorce settlement as you can muster and keep your affair to yourself. IMO, full 'salvaging' requires intimate honesty and transparency and you've asserted that those dynamics would be difficult to impossible in your situation. Whether your specific fears (of violence) are with foundation or not, the totality weighs upon your psyche and will likely impact the recovery process if you do take the risk. It's IMO nearly impossible to recover to a healthy state while perpetuating a chosen deception. As you don't apparently have children, I'd call this one done and learn from it. Good luck and welcome to LS
GuyInLimbo Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 bad karma??... you cheat on someone you will get `karma` what goes around comes around There is good and bad karma, just so you know. Hence, this would be "bad."
TaraMaiden Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 'Good' and 'bad' are subjective... Positive or negative is one way of putting it, but a more appropriate way is "Skilful or Unskillful"....
riverratt Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 You know you are going to have to be honest to your H and by doing that you will be honest to yourself. Cheating is a touchy subject. Some people do it just because they get a rush and some do it because they are vulnerable and it wasn't something they set out to do. I get the difference. I worked at a bar for several years and it seems that some people will tell a bar tender just about anything and it will be the truth. I would say this from my experience. I haven't ever cheated but just years of being around this world a couple of times. If you come clean and your marriage works out it will probably be a very strong one that probably won't fall apart.
standtall Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Well VA, for once I am in agreement with the OP's about coming clean..you need to tell your husband so he can control and decide what he wants to do.
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