She asks "what are you looking for?" I answer...

[kaylan]

This thread is directed at the girlies. And let me preface all this by saying I believe I come from a rational realists perspective. Ive come to my current opinions based on the bulk of how I see people behave (including myself). So Ive been think about dating and what not. And how people generally go in with big plans of what they want and where things will lead. Many have certain expectations, and want a partner who shares the same expectations.

 

Now, as someone whos adopted a "deal with things as they come" attitude, Ive let go of expectations. I feel that placing too much expectation in a positive or negative outcome makes you far too outcome oriented and unable to just live in the moment and accept a good thing for what it may be.

 

Im also of the position that humans are not inherently lifelong monogamists. Most of us are serial monogamists, and then you have those of us who cheat and therefore are more poly-amorous. Given how people are always growing and changing, I dont think its horrible if some relationships end. Thats how you learn, and thats how you get led to newer possibly better relationships. Basically, sometimes things just run their course, and I feel its a waste of energy being paranoid over if that may happen with your own relationship...hence why I say enjoy the good times while you have them.

 

Anyways, say Im dating a girl for a little while...and we've been finally exclusive for several dates, and she asks me "what am I looking for?" Or say she asks general questions regarding my beliefs in dating, love, or marriage. Im a very honest dude, so Id respond "Im not looking for anything in particular aside from companionship. If companionship manifests itself in friendship, crushes, short term dating, long term dating, or love...I will enjoy each for what it is. I take life as it comes. And as I value loyalty and honesty, youll always know where I generally stand" (the last sentence is my way of saying I dont lie, lead on people, or cheat and neither should you..its saying it without explicitly saying it...feel me?)

 

And Im actually thinking of putting that previous quoted part in my dating profile if I do OLD again. I like the idea of just going into dating and letting things just be organic and unforced. Everything serves a purpose. Sometimes Ill merely make an acquaintance that I never really date. Or maybe Ill make a friend I can pal around with because we dont click in the other way. Or maybe Ill find a short term fling or gf to enjoy passing time with even though we both might know its leading nowhere. Or maybe Ill find someone Ill be with for long term and build some sort of life with.

 

I feel each situation serves a purpose and can all be fun and rewarding. Im just wondering how women might see that. Its basically my way of saying Im open to anything and I dont want to force any situation no matter what it is. What say you ladies?

Edited September 9, 2012 by kaylan

[Star Gazer]

I read that as the guy is just looking for a good time, and as such, his relationship goals don't match mine. I'd move on.

[kaylan]

^I figure some gals may think that. But relationships are a good time as well. I just dont believe in stringently looking for solely one end-game anymore. It hasnt work when Ive tried. Ive found taking life as it comes to be much more rewarding and much less tiresome.

 

Ties into how everyone always says the best things in life come when you least expect it.

[Star Gazer]

^I figure some gals may think that. But relationships are a good time as well. I just dont believe in stringently looking for solely one end-game anymore. It hasnt work when Ive tried. Ive found taking life as it comes to be much more rewarding and much less tiresome.

 

Ties into how everyone always says the best things in life come when you least expect it.

 

I think you'll find that as women get older, they grow more focused on the end game. Otherwise, what's the point? There are expiration dates on certain things. As a result, if you're not expressing a similar desire to explore the possibility of long-term, I think you'll find most quality women dubbing you a flighty player and moving on.

[kaylan]

Whats the point? Well to enjoy life. Realistically we all know marriage isnt always forever...it isnt always a lifelong commitment. Thats just how the collective populace is. So even if one endgame is to get married and have kids, I accept the fact that if I do that it may not be the last endgame I ever accomplish. I accept that nothing in life is guaranteed but that ill do what I can to cherish what I do have.

 

Also, some men and women do not want kids, so so people dont want solely one end game as they get older. Sometimes they just want companionship in whatever form it arrives and will appreciate their friends and lovers while they are together. You did say theres an expiration date on certain things...and sometimes we dont know what the expiration date is...which is why Ive stopped worrying about expirations.

 

Also, if you read my OP in full, you will see that I said Im open to exploring numerous possibilities depending on the woman, and that she will always know where I stand. In which case, no ones time is wasted..

 

PS - "Quality" is a subjective term in dating. And I am far from a flighty player. Ive just become less outcome oriented as dating seems more enjoyable when you can live more in the moment.

[snug.bunny]

What say you ladies?

 

If I were open to no strings attached with him, specifically, his comment wouldn't bother me.

[kaylan]

If I were open to no strings attached with him, specifically, his comment wouldn't bother me.

Word.

 

All my comments really mean is that Im not looking for any one particular thing. If I meet someone I click with, we will take it from there. Its possible we end up just friends, its possible we date for only 3 months, and its possible I fall in love and we date for 3 years before deciding what to do next. The simple summary is that Im open to anything, and I dont force anything.

[Star Gazer]

Whats the point? Well to enjoy life. Realistically we all know marriage isnt always forever...

 

Many people believe it is, or at least intend it to be, and seek relationships with people who share the same belief (or at least DESIRE). For those women, you're a non-option. If you're okay with that, great. But I think you're gonna turn a lot of women off if you present yourself with such a laissez faire attitude.

[kaylan]

^I guess theyll just be turned off. As I said, I come from a more rational realist's perspective. I see how we all behave and know life has no guarantees. Ill strive to make my partnerships work, but Im not going to pretend theres a possibility they wont. We all grow and change all the time. Coupling is just very complicated given how human nature seems to be.

[snug.bunny]

Word.

 

All my comments really mean is that Im not looking for any one particular thing. If I meet someone I click with, we will take it from there. Its possible we end up just friends, its possible we date for only 3 months, and its possible I fall in love and we date for 3 years before deciding what to do next. The simple summary is that Im open to anything, and I dont force anything.

 

Word to Big Bird!!

 

I think what you've described is a good mindset to have prior to meeting someone, as well as on the first couple of dates. Though, if you've been dating for a while, that's when things tend to change...

[tigressA]

Just continue being honest about where you stand...but like SG said, many women may not be interested in what you have to offer.

[Star Gazer]

^I guess theyll just be turned off. As I said, I come from a more rational realist's perspective.

 

This is something you don't seem to understand about your posts - and not just in this thread, but almost all others you start: you outright say things that are basically telling anyone who disagrees with your perspective that they're crazy or irrational.

 

The bolded language is insulting. You come from a more "rational realist's perspective"? As though your perspective is better than, or more authentic, or healthier, than someone else's? It's like, when I read stuff like that from you, I want to stop right there. You're just so closed minded to anyone else's perspective. You post "this is how I am" and then purport to ask for feedback, and then insult the very women who are trying to help you who also have a different perspective. Good grief, man.

 

The fact is, more marriages last than don't. So if you want to be rational and realistic, you're going to turn-off more women than you turn-on with your perspective.

[kaylan]

Oh gimme a break. Understand what I am saying. A rational person with a realistic view of the dating world will see that nothing is guaranteed and that many if not most marriages are not forever and loving. By definition of the words I used, many would come to the conclusions I did. Im not closed to anyone believing a marriage CAN last forever...all I am saying is that a realistic look at the world would have many come to the conclusion that its POSSIBLE a marriage MAY not work. Get it?

 

Dont see how that went over your head. Yet here you are, in another thread of mine, throwing a hissy fit.

 

PS - 50% divorce is not more marriages lasting than dont. And hell, plenty of the lasting ones arent even happy ones.

Edited September 9, 2012 by kaylan

[SJC2008]

 

All my comments really mean is that Im not looking for any one particular thing. If I meet someone I click with, we will take it from there. Its possible we end up just friends, its possible we date for only 3 months, and its possible I fall in love and we date for 3 years before deciding what to do next. The simple summary is that Im open to anything, and I dont force anything.

 

Kaylan I know you're a lot smarter than that and I'm surprised quite frankly you'd even dream of putting the quote in your OP on an OLD profile.

 

I know where you're comming from. Right now I'm dating for a girlfriend first and foremost, meaning if I get the "there's no way I'd ever marry her" thougt I wouldn't deal break her (unless she is clear she's looking for marriage) or for the one. Now if I tell a woman that that would sound desparate, take anything I can get. But it's not. 3 girls ago I dated and she was clearly not looking for marriage so I was disappointed it fell through becasue I could of had some companionship and of course sex.

 

It's good that you don't want to lead a woman on but you gotta figure a way out to tell them what you're looking for. Wish I had a better answer.

[kaylan]

Kaylan I know you're a lot smarter than that and I'm surprised quite frankly you'd even dream of putting the quote in your OP on an OLD profile.

Im upfront and honest...what can I say.

 

I know where you're comming from. Right now I'm dating for a girlfriend first and foremost, meaning if I get the "there's no way I'd ever marry her" thougt I wouldn't deal break her (unless she is clear she's looking for marriage) or for the one. Now if I tell a woman that that would sound desparate, take anything I can get. But it's not. 3 girls ago I dated and she was clearly not looking for marriage so I was disappointed it fell through becasue I could of had some companionship and of course sex.

 

It's good that you don't want to lead a woman on but you gotta figure a way out to tell them what you're looking for. Wish I had a better answer.

I wouldnt break up with a girl just because I wasnt looking for marriage or the one. Im never going to outright look for it. Im going to date a girl and see how I feel about her along the way. If I feel she isnt someone Id ever marry, and I feel she sees me differently, then Id break up with her and not waste her time. Sure companionship and frequent sex is nice, but I dont want to waste a girls time when she could be a dating a guy who sees a future together with her.

 

I could always get a FWB if I wanted general companionship and frequent sex with no strings attached. Its better than keeping someone from finding a good guy.

 

The way I tell a girl what Im looking for is by telling her where I see things going once I have an idea of where things are going. Some girls may be able to deal with that, others may not be able to deal with that. They may rather want to hear right off the bat "im looking for a girlfriend or wife".

[kassy]

I would be fine with that statement.

 

I'd go for a drink with you, see if I thought you were genuinely open or a bit of a sleazy player and take things from there based on how the date went.

 

Although in saying that, I think you would turn off a lot of women.

 

Why not try it, see how it goes and then reevaluate based on results?

[denise_xo]

I might be in the minority but I like your attitude and find that quote refreshing. However, as others have said it would probably put off people who have marriage and children more explicitly in mind as the end result of dating.

[utterer of lies]

So even if one endgame is to get married and have kids, I accept the fact that if I do that it may not be the last endgame I ever accomplish. I accept that nothing in life is guaranteed but that ill do what I can to cherish what I do have.

 

Also, some men and women do not want kids, so so people dont want solely one end game as they get older. Sometimes they just want companionship in whatever form it arrives and will appreciate their friends and lovers while they are together. You did say theres an expiration date on certain things...and sometimes we dont know what the expiration date is...which is why Ive stopped worrying about expirations.

 

In theory you are right, but in practice most girls have strong cultural imprints that makes them want to experience the romantic, idealised version of relationships and marriage, or at least pretend they do.

 

An ex of mine is a scientist and a professor of behavioral biology - a very rational person. We could have the best discussions about almost anything, but when it came to relationships, even she needed this romantic delusion. Despite the fact that she knew as well as anyone about the practical limits of relationships and that we often discussed relationship patterns from a scientific perspective, when it came to our relationships, the rational didn't matter.

 

So my advice is this: Give them what makes them the happiest.

[january2011]

The way that I'd take it is that you're very whimsical. Not very goal-oriented or a planner. I'd be susceptible to wherever your mood of the day takes you. That's great in your teens and 20s, not so hot in your 30s and beyond, in my experience.

 

It also sounds like you don't really care what happens as long as you are having a good time, which usually means that if the good times stop, I'll end up hurt and thrown under the bus. Your words also suggest that since you are open to "whatever," you don't really know what you want. You'd also sound like a strong candidate for GIGs because you haven't not knowing what you want is equivalent to not having found yourself yet.

 

I've found that someone who doesn't know what they want is liable to hurt those close to them in the confusion as much as someone who has the intention of being bit of a jerk. Thus making you a risky prospect for anything beyond casual and short-term.

 

Conclusion: If I wanted a fling, then I might be tempted, if I were attracted to you. Since I tend not to look for short-term relationships, like SG, I'd move on. I think you're not in my age range though. If you were, I'd also consider it a "red flag" that you don't know what you want. At this stage in my life, I'd want someone who has got my back, not someone who only sticks around for the good times.

[kaylan]

^lolol Im goal oriented and a planner, but dating cannot be planned out the same way a career or school can be. I am whimsical though haha. Im always super positive and tend to be in a jokey mood. And I do care about where I end up in my love life, but I dont need to rush things like many people do. Ive seen that doesnt work. I take my time and see whats before and take things as they come. All I am saying is I dont make big expectations...I like to live in the moment and not get my hopes up and put pressure on things.

 

Plus you seemed to have missed the part where I said that when Im in love I strive to keep it going. I dont just bail when things get tough. However, I do know when to let someone go if a relationship is not a healthy or good one. All this being said, Ive never had GIGS with a girl Ive dated. If I choose to commit to a girl, Im with her...and if we part, its not due to another woman.

 

I never said I did not know what I want. I merely said Im open to more than one possibility. I do want companionship and love, but an LTR isnt my first and foremost goal until I know a girl well enough. And if it doesnt reach the LTR stage, Ill have enjoyed whatever we did have together. Basically my mind and my heart are open to different possibilities. That in no way means I dont know what I want, and it in no way means I would not welcome a committed relationship.

 

PS - I also do remember saying that Im honest about what I want and the girl will always know what Im feeling. So the only way a girl (or myself) would get hurt is if she misrepresented her feelings, because I wouldnt do that.

Edited September 9, 2012 by kaylan

[january2011]

Kaylan, that's how that specific paragraph, on its own, comes across: since you are open to anything and everything --> you don't know what you want.

 

You're probably well aware that people will hear what they want to hear and it's unlikely that you'll be able to convey the rest of your OP/disclaimer in just one conversation. With just that paragraph as an opener, I probably wouldn't want to hear the rest. You wouldn't see me for dust.

 

I was with a guy like you, very briefly. And he also came up with the "if I'm in love" and "I'm honest about what I want" lines. So, yeah, no thanks. Sorry, mate. I guess, in my old age, I'm rather prejudiced against flighty dudes. No offence.

[Janesays]

Kaylan, I'm with Star. Whenever anyone disagrees with you, you DO have a tendency to get over defensive and insulting. It makes talking to you a chore. I'm not sure if that's how you really want to come across, so it's something to think about.

 

As for your comment, I'd probably look elsewhere. Mostly because I want children and children ARE forever. So I'd worry that someone with your attitude might not be good father material.

[Quiet Storm]

Kaylan, I think it's great that you are being honest. However, I do agree that some women will be turned off by it.

 

This is the conundrum that many men have. They would prefer to be honest about their intentions and motivations, but doing so has consequences. This is why some men choose to lie or sugarcoat their truth.

 

Most women are searching for that one guy, and once we find him, we want it to last forever. From your perspective that is unrealistic, but for us, it's the natural progression of a relationship. Generally, women are more relationship focused. I think men tend to be more "adventure" and "experience" focused.

 

You want to fill your life with experiences, and enjoy them for what they are, without expectations. There is nothing wrong with that, but there is also nothing wrong with women looking for "the one".

 

Many women aren't dating for experiences alone, they are searching for the man they want to spend their life with. If they know up front that you don't want that, dating you will feel like a waste of time. Having fun and connecting with you means it's going to hurt that much more when you go. Women can get very emotionally invested, and oxytocin released during orgasm can strengthen that bond. It is emotionally risky for a woman to be with you, because eventually you will abandon them when it's no longer "fun" for you.

 

I am a very realistic person, too. Although I am happily married, I am not naive enough to think it could never end. Knowing that, however, doesn't change my hope that it will last forever. I live every day with the expectation that he will be by my side until one of us dies. We have been together for 21 years. We come from families where our parents have intact marriages. We have had issues and crisis and have worked through them. I don't think it's unrealistic to expect my marriage to last.

 

The bottom line, Kaylan, is that you have different expectations for your relationships than most women do. And that's okay. You are choosing to be upfront about it, and I commend that.

 

Just remember that forever is unrealistic for YOU and what you want out of life. For me, and many others, forever is a possible and realistic expectation.