Wife's husband undercover freak

[Kymora]

I have a male friend who is married to his wife of 3 years, but has been together for 11 years and they just had a baby 2 weeks ago. He talks to me about everything including his marriage. Me being a friend, I listen but I rarely offer advice because I feel like that is not my place. However, I am having a problem with him playing his wife. I don't want to disclose to much information that may give away his m.o. But I'll say this. He tells me he does whatever she wants just to keep her happy so he can do what he wants. Meaning, he likes to have sex with other women and is currently anticipating on being with one in a couple of months. The wife acts as if her husband is a knight in shing armor and just because he treats her well in her eyes, she is blind to his mess! I just wish she would wake up and open her eyes to his bs! And also erasing all evidence of his mess from his ph hours before going home to his wife! I am knowing all of this information and listening to it and as a women I am furiated by it but it's not like I am friends with his wife bc she doesn't know me but even if she did i still would not get into it. I'm saying all that to say this..... What kind of man is this? He justifies his actions by saying that men are not by nature monogonous.... Can someone shed some light here?

Edited September 9, 2012 by Kymora

[january2011]

Selfish with poor impulse control and poor boundaries.

 

If I were you, I'd find it hard not to say anything. In my opinion, his wife will be better off in the long run knowing that her husband cannot be replied upon.

[Hayley30]

I'd notify the wife about it. That's just selfish.

[Kymora]

Thanks for the comments but to set the record straight, I am not the other women and definitely do not want to be and I am too old to be a "sweetie". I am happily married and have been for 8 years and I am in my 30's. I am trying to understand this since I am in the field of Marriage and Family therapy. I know how sticky this situation is. I have however, mentioned to him about getting some counseling at an agency for the problems that make him do the things he does. I just hopes she eventually see him for what he really is. It is not my place to tell the wife.

[Spark1111]

Thanks for the comments but to set the record straight, I am not the other women and definitely do not want to be and I am too old to be a "sweetie". I am happily married and have been for 8 years and I am in my 30's. I am trying to understand this since I am in the field of Marriage and Family therapy. I know how sticky this situation is. I have however, mentioned to him about getting some counseling at an agency for the problems that make him do the things he does. I just hopes she eventually see him for what he really is. It is not my place to tell the wife.

 

I don't know....if it was my friend I would ask him, "So how does your wife feel about your extra curricular activities?"

 

Or, "Why would you do that to (her name)! That's terrible!"

 

Or, "How would you feel if she did that to you?"

 

If he is truly your friend, tell HIM how you feel. By not doing so, he may feel you support his actions. You obviously do not.

 

And please tell him, women are also not naturally monogamous as recent studies show. However, they are more likely to CHOOSE to be while raising young children.

 

When the children become more self-supporting and they return to work, they are as likely to cheat as men. They are also more likely to divorce today.

 

Tell your friend, the self-justifying philanderer that HE should inform his wife and they should discuss having an open marriage. That's fair. That way she could experience sexual variety too!

 

It is a myth that just men get tired of the same ole, same ole.

 

Watch his face!

 

He is selfish and eventually, she will find out. His odds of bringing home an STD or worse rises with every partner he has.

 

Men like this have real problems with intimacy. I feel sorry for her.

[Kymora]

I like your response Spark1111... I will do some research about that. Yes I will ask him what if she does the same to you how would you feel about that. Your response has definitely shed some light here. Thank you

Edited September 10, 2012 by Kymora

[Got it]

If he has been discussing his marital issues and affairs with you then you are clearly and obviously inappropriately encroaching on his marriage's boundaries which are none of your business. You are also unhealthily emotionally involved with his personal business, specifically, you are ANGRY that he is cheating on his wife, you are vicariously putting yourself in the shoes of his partner. Yet you remain his "friend."

 

All these facts signify that you are already in an emotional affair/EA with him, at least the beginning stages, and like everyone else who goes through this kind of thing, are allowing yourself to rationalize it and remain blind to it.

 

Secondarily, this OM is also quite obviously "grooming" you as a potential future sexual conquest. He has revealed himself to be a cheater and a cad and you are O.K. with that enough not to have immediately blown the whistle on him to his wife and ended your so-called "friendship" with him due to his total lack of character.

 

You are not behaving or thinking about this as a true "friend" either to the OM or to his wife or to their marriage or to YOUR marriage. You are behaving like an OW or one who is an OW in the making. You are sharing secrets with him that as far as you know his wife doesn't know about it. You are facilitating his conduct by failing to blow the whistle on him.

 

You are in denial, deep deep denial.

 

You hate the guy for being such a player yet you are immensely attracted to him because all women--ALL of them--have an attraction to men who seem able to get a lot of women, even if they are unethical men/cheaters. (That doesn't mean you have to act on those feelings but it sounds like you are pretty far down along the slippery slope already.)

 

Question--HAVE YOU TOLD YOUR HUSBAND (since you now state you're married yourself--golly gee an important tidbit!) ABOUT THESE INTIMATE LITTLE CONVERSATIONS WITH THIS COLLEAGUE?

 

If not, why not?

 

Isn't your husband your own "best friend"? Shouldn't he be the one you turn to for advice for something like this? "Honey, here's the situation, I have this professional friend who is cheating up a storm and insists on telling me about it. I'm very uncomfortable, what should I do about this situation?"

 

Something tells me no you haven't told your hubby about any of this, another indication this is an emotional affair or close to it.

 

Without knowing anything else about you, your husband, or your marriage, I'll bet that you're dissatisfied in some way with your husband and marriage. You have to be, or you wouldn't be expending so much emotional energy and time on another woman's husband.

 

Is your marital sex all it should be?

 

Do you and your husband communicate well?

 

Are you starting to pick at and criticize each other? Do his flaws seem magnified?

 

Instead of worrying about the OM's marriage I would be more worried about your own.

 

And oh by the way saying "I can't tell my husband because....[whatever your excuse for not doing so is]..." is just a rationalization on your part for keeping this an exciting secret.

 

The rationalization that you are trying to understand this since you are involved with marital counseling is a ridiculous, unprofessional rationalization. He is not your therapy client nor are you his therapist.

 

Tell your husband about this whole situation tonight. And tell your friend very simply: "If you keep talking to me about your sexual affairs, which I have zero interest in, I will consider it to be sexual harassment and will file a formal report with our employer. And by the way if you are cheating on your wife with multiple affairs you shouldn't even be in this line of work, you hypocrite. And you're not my friend anymore because I don't make friends with people who cheat on their spouse and brag about their plans for their next affair."

 

Then you notify his wife WITHOUT giving him any advance warning since he will portray you as a nutjob stalker to his wife.

 

I don't agree either that this is an emotional affair. If she was male, would you be saying that? Just because she is the opposite sex, unless they were discussing feelings for each other this doesn't mean it is an affair.

 

I have female friends that tell me way more TMI than I relay to them. How is that not an affair as well? What if one of them is a lesbian would that change it?

 

I really think that unless sex or romantic love is involved this is a very grey area to claim affair.

 

I thinks Spark's advice is spot on.

 

I do agree, Kymora, and look at the friendship. Does he add value to your life? Advise him that this is not a great direction for his life and he needs to learn better relationship skills. He is not being a good friend to his wife acting like this.

[Kymora]

Wow! It's amazing how I get shot down simply because I am a female. Anyway, does my husband know about this? Yes... Of course I would tell him because I have absolutely nothing to hide and plus my husband had given me the male perspective but also doesn't want me to get in it. Me having an emotional affair? That's ridiculous. Just because I'm a female automatically means I'm emotionally attract to this man?? Why would I? I'm happily married and don't hide anything from my husband. Sorry, I'm not one of those women, try again. I came on here to more input on this situation. By no means do I want this man or am I attracted to him.

[Kymora]

Also I will delete this entire post if I keep getting comments with people thinking im in an emotional affair with this man or in the other women or potential other women or whatever. I am so sorry that i am not the target you are looking for. I will not explain myself again. Now if you can not offer some advice here about this, do not post.

[Kymora]

Professional colleague? Where did I mention he was a professional colleague? He is not. I thought id get some more insight on here....

[TaraMaiden]

Also I will delete this entire post if I keep getting comments with people thinking im in an emotional affair with this man or in the other women or potential other women or whatever. I am so sorry that i am not the target you are looking for. I will not explain myself again. Now if you can not offer some advice here about this, do not post.

Kymora, do the following:

Click on the offending poster's name.

A box appears.

select 'View Public profile'

Top left. you will see "User lists."

select.

You will see:

"Add to contacts

Add to ignore list."

Choose 'add to ignore list'.

Confirm.

Sorted.

This poster is greatly threatened by strong women and believes we are all man-hating bitches, or we must be having affairs and cheating on our menfolk.

It doesn't occur to him that actually, we're just strong people.

ignore him.

I do.

[Kymora]

I take it he is not your husband's friend, just your friend.

 

He is not friends with him but does know him.

 

Now please clarify whether at any time in the past you ever had a relationship with this friend, or perhaps possibly contemplated one.

 

I have never had a relationship with him nor have a contemplated one...I never saw him like that.

 

Yes? No?

 

How did you meet this OM?

 

He is a classmate of mine from high-school so I have know him since the age of 16 and we lived in the same neighborhood as children until I went on the college. He a childhood friend and always been that way.

 

Why are you still wasting any time at all with him much less posting about it on the internet?

 

Like I mentioned he is a long time friend...What he does is his business but why he does it I dont understand. And as far as posting it on the internet, it shouldn't matter why I posted it because I have said no names everything is anonymous on here and i wanted some more insight on why he would do this. There is nothing else behind it.

 

Why haven't you told his wife yet?

 

I have not told the wife because it is not my place to tell her. It is not like she is my best friend. If we were close like that then yes I would tell her.

 

To also add....I do not live no where near close to him. I live on the east coast and he live in the south. Every conversation about this has been over the phone.

[Kymora]

OK I think I just figured this thread out.

 

"Kymora" is actually the cheating husband, am I right? Or someone other than the actual female friend of the cheating man who is the subject of the thread?

 

Possibly, you are a male friend of the betrayed spouse, and that's why you're angry and jealous at the behavior?

 

Why else would you have posted "Wife's husband undercover freak" as the thread title?

 

You chose the title of your thread but then forgot about the title, right?

 

You would have posted as the title, "My friend is an undercover freak". Or something like that.

 

"Wife's husband"? No, not likely. Too awkward.

 

Who are you really?

 

Don't worry there are no penalty points for being truthful even if it takes a while.

The cheating husband? I am confused now. No I have not forgotten the title. "Wifes undercover freak" Thats what I meant. He is undercover with is escapades and he has a wife. Where are you going with this? That comment doesnt make sense

[TaraMaiden]

Kymora please read my post.

The guy is a flamer.....

[johan]

I'd lose respect for a friend like that. Of course how he's treating his wife is terrible. But to involve you in his lie, expecting you to not only sanction it, but also to become complicit, is too much to ask. He would be a former friend. I actually cut a married "friend" out of my life just because he openly flirted with co-wokers when I was around. He was hoping to score, and that was more than I could bear to watch.

 

It's sad to consider what bitter discoveries this guy's wife has coming. I wouldn't want to be a part of that. I'm not sure whether you should feel obligated to tell her. You have no proof.

[Kymora]

But, why isn't your husband friends with him? That sounds really odd. Why are you spending so much of your time and energy hanging out with a man who has no ethics or morals and you don't work with?

 

How did this friendship form? Before or after your marriage? Why isn't your husband a participant in the friendship?

 

The most natural thing for two married couples would be that they socialize as couples. Opposite sex friendships which don't include the spouses are usually more trouble than they're worth. Opposite sex friendships with an admitted serial cheater can only mean one thing: Your male "friend" is interested in having sex with you, if the opportunity should arise. Even if you want to be naive about that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He is a classmate of mine from high-school so I have know him since the age of 16 and we lived in the same neighborhood as children until I went on the college. He a childhood friend and always been that way.

 

So what is so special about him that you would insist on maintaining this friendship with a serial cheater, yet it is not such a special friend that you have blended the friendship into your marital social life as well?

 

By the way the fact that this is a long time friend from your teenage years supports the notion that this involves emotional connections and possible emotional affair in the making.

 

People don't hang out with opposite sex friends from high school, to the exclusion of their spouses, unless there is a rather strong emotional bond.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes!!!! HIS business!!! NOT YOURS. (That's exactly what your h told you already, right?)

 

 

 

 

 

You have no need to understand it. It's HIS business. Not yours.

 

If you actually want to try to sell the notion that somehow you have some educational or professional interest in "why" this guy is a serial cheater, then invite him to give a lecture at your next class or professional meeting, where he discloses why he's a serial cheater and the implications of his cheating on his marriage.

 

If you are interested in general in "why people cheat" then just read Love Shack for a couple of months.

 

But you never answered why your standards of frienship are apparently so low that you would tolerate having a serial cheater--whose wife just had a baby!--as your close friend.

 

If it angers you on his wife's behalf, then tell his wife. She deserves to know. She certainly deserves to know about it more than you do.

 

 

 

 

 

The point was meant to be why are you concerned about it at all, in this case enough to post it here, when you're not emotionally involved with the man, he is "just a friend," you have discussed it with your h, and your h has told you stay out of it? Stay out of it. That's the answer (unless you feel somehow morally obligated to tell his wife.) By the way, do you know his wife?

 

Please tell me if this guy is your childhood friend why the two of your don't interact as couples with respective spouses fully involved? That's how married friends typically interact.

 

 

 

I have not told the wife because it is not my place to tell her. It is not like she is my best friend. If we were close like that then yes I would tell her.

 

It's not your place to tell her. Fine. Then how is it "your place" to support her cheating husband by providing him with an outlet or shoulder to cry on? Because he's your "friend"? But your h wants you to stay out of it.

 

Oh my, there's a dilemma for you, but this should be very easy.

 

 

 

 

To also add....I do not live no where near close to him.

 

 

So why is he spending any time calling you and telling you about this? What is the point? Why are you providing him support in cheating on his wife?

 

Your husband told you stay out of it. You don't feel obligated to tell his wife. What are your standards for maintaining a friendship?

 

Put yourself in the wife's shoes. If your h cheted on you, and was telling some other man's wife about that, that would be O.K. with you?

 

 

 

I live on the east coast and he live in the south. Every conversation about this has been over the phone.

 

So what is it, precisely, that YOU are getting out of this long distance phone relationship with a serial cheater from way back when?

 

You apparently are getting some sort of gratification about hearing this guy tell you about his sexual conquests.

 

 

Taken at face value you as a thirty year old married woman actually don't know "why" he is doing this?

 

He's "doing this" because he wants some p*ssy on the side. Obviously.

 

The question is why YOU are spending any time speaking with this guy.

my husband has female friends that I am aware of but I am not friends with so this being a problem is irrelevant ...we have trust in each other so I do not need to explain myself anymore on that matter..... Second, this is not about me and my marriage.... All I want to know is why do some men like this do what they do... That is all.... If you can not stay within that topic and I see something else from about my personal life other than the thread at hand, I will delete/ignore you. And if your answer is because he want p*ssy on side.... Then I thank you for your input...thats all i needed....Next person please

[Kymora]

my husband has female friends that I am aware of but I am not friends with so this being a problem is irrelevant ...we have trust in each other so I do not need to explain myself anymore on that matter..... Second, this is not about me and my marriage.... All I want to know is why do some men like this do what they do... That is all.... If you can not stay within that topic and I see something else from about my personal life other than the thread at hand, I will delete/ignore you. And if your answer is because he want p*ssy on side.... Then I thank you for your input...thats all i needed....Next person please

[Kymora]

I'd lose respect for a friend like that. Of course how he's treating his wife is terrible. But to involve you in his lie, expecting you to not only sanction it, but also to become complicit, is too much to ask. He would be a former friend. I actually cut a married "friend" out of my life just because he openly flirted with co-wokers when I was around. He was hoping to score, and that was more than I could bear to watch.

 

It's sad to consider what bitter discoveries this guy's wife has coming. I wouldn't want to be a part of that. I'm not sure whether you should feel obligated to tell her. You have no proof.

 

Thank you for your inpuT.... I will take that in consideration

[Kymora]

Kymora please read my post.

The guy is a flamer.....

 

I have read it... Thank you

[Kymora]

Well that abelincoln guy did not take my warning serious and continued with the stupid questions. However, I have decided to let my male cheater friend know as a woman what he is doing to his wife is wrong and I can not no longer listen to his escapades with other women.... I thank you all who have help to shed some light here for before I decided what to do about it.

[Kymora]

Kymora, do the following:

Click on the offending poster's name.

A box appears.

select 'View Public profile'

Top left. you will see "User lists."

select.

You will see:

"Add to contacts

Add to ignore list."

Choose 'add to ignore list'.

Confirm.

Sorted.

This poster is greatly threatened by strong women and believes we are all man-hating bitches, or we must be having affairs and cheating on our menfolk.

It doesn't occur to him that actually, we're just strong people.

ignore him.

I do.

 

Thank you! He did not take me seriously, therefore he is ignored.... Thank you showing how to do that! I got tired of being attacked and him steering away from the topic

Edited September 10, 2012 by Kymora

[TaraMaiden]

he pokes people to get a rise out of them. he's just a flamer....

 

Like Trolls, best left to their own devices! After a while, they realise that nobody's paying attention, and nobody's responding....

Hot air, deflated.

[Kymora]

he pokes people to get a rise out of them. he's just a flamer....

 

Like Trolls, best left to their own devices! After a while, they realise that nobody's paying attention, and nobody's responding....

Hot air, deflated.

 

Absolutely! Thank you!

[Athena]

Also I will delete this entire post if I keep getting comments with people thinking im in an emotional affair with this man or in the other women or potential other women or whatever. I am so sorry that i am not the target you are looking for. I will not explain myself again. Now if you can not offer some advice here about this, do not post.

I'd like to see you 'delete your post', it's not possible... once you've started a thread, that's it, it's up.

 

How do you think you will erase it? I'm curious now...

[Kymora]

I'd like to see you 'delete your post', it's not possible... once you've started a thread, that's it, it's up.

 

How do you think you will erase it? I'm curious now...

 

Im new here and just figured that out, however I can ignore and I have done that....at least I have that control..