YumYum_DimSum Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 That long distance relationships require a tremendous amount of work and effort from both sides of the relationship? I know that for one to work, the couple must be willing to give up some rights and also set down expectations. An example of this would be: Not hanging out with the opposite sex as much if the situation makes your loved one uncomfortable and agree to not see anyone else. My question for everyone is, would You give that up? Trust and communication is a crucial part in LDR's. Guy's- if your gf didn't feel comfortable with hanging out with other females, would you change that as to rid your gf of worry and jealousy?SHOULD a guy Have to go to that extent? Same question goes for you ladies! Is this done out of respect or understanding ?
justwhoiam Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Is it true... That long distance relationships require a tremendous amount of work and effort from both sides of the relationship? Yes. I know that for one to work, the couple must be willing to give up some rights and also set down expectations. Really? I guess you're confusing LDRs with Amnesty International cases. An example of this would be: Not hanging out with the opposite sex as much if the situation makes your loved one uncomfortable and agree to not see anyone else. My question for everyone is, would You give that up? Trust and communication is a crucial part in LDR's. Guy's- if your gf didn't feel comfortable with hanging out with other females, would you change that as to rid your gf of worry and jealousy?SHOULD a guy Have to go to that extent? Same question goes for you ladies! Is this done out of respect or understanding ? It depends. It depends on whom you hang out with. If it's your grandmother, no girlfriend would complain. If you hang out with the same girl all the time, as much as anyone would think she's your gf, expect some fuss from your girlfriend. (Romantic) Dinners for two are usually a no-no too. It also depends on your girlfriend. Some might not care. Just see it this way: usually, when she stops caring, you can hang out with the world, but probably not her, the one you cared the most. 2
PepperPotts Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 I absolutely would stop hanging out with a particular guy if my bf asked. The way I see it, he's the most important guy in my life, and respecting his feelings is more important than keeping a friendship with another guy. That being said, I only have one close guy friend ( and he's gay) snd I'm very aware that in less than a year I'll be living with my boyfriend and away from any of the guys I'm around now. So it's a very simple cost benefit analysis. The cost of losing a casual friend I'll never see again after professional school is worth the benefit of making my boyfriend feel better. I also see it as a declaration of importance. This is a man I'm in a serious, long term relationship with, and I hope to marry him one day. Saying "no, I'm keeping my friend" would be declaring my friend as more important than my bf. I would, however, want a good reason, and I wouldn't be so willing to drop friends if we were in a new relationship or if I knew he would not be willing to give up a female friend for me. I think you really have to trust your partner. I believe it's absolutely true that if they would cheat far away they would cheat in person. Distance can magnify flaws, but it doesn't fundamentally change people. So trust them, and also respect your partner's feelings by not engaging in any behavior they would find sketchy if you were dating in person 1
Author YumYum_DimSum Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 So we've established trust is a huge component to making LDR's work. Let's pretend you tell your partner you don't want him/her spending time with a co worker that fancies them. Your partner just asks you to "trust" them but if they continue to spend time with this person, creating situations where you may become untrusting of them (not answering phone calls when out with this person, spending long hours alone)is this reasonable enough to become suspicious and untrusting ?
PepperPotts Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Situations like this are why you really need to lay ground rules down before you embark on a long distance relationship. When I started mine, I knew there was a girl back home who was into my guy. He didn't see it-- everything he told me about her could objectively be seen as her trying to get him, but he doesn't realize how attractive he is, so he couldn't see it. We both accepted that either of us could be right, but it would make me uncomfortable if he was in a date-like situation with any girl who wasn't me. No one-on-one dinners (one-on-one lunches with female coworkers are fine), no buying drinks or going out for drinks without other people involved, no inviting girls over to watch movies, etc. And I have the same rules as well. Basically, we trust each other completely, but we recognize that if you put yourself in a situation where the third-party believes they have a shot, bad things can happen. A girl could go for dinner with a guy friend and fully intend for it to just be friends catching up at dinner, but if he grabbed her and kissed her, even if she shoved him away and yelled at him, she'd still have some explaining to do, and her bf would be very, very unhappy with her. I'm assuming you're not talking about a hypothetical situation here. If that's the case: 1. You need to set ground rules. Right now. It's not too late. 2. You need to be willing to adhere to those rules as well. 3. You need to express your feelings to your partner. Explain that you trust them, but not the other person. Explain that she's sending you the message that spending time with this other guy is more important than making sure you feel safe and cared for. 4. Try your hardest to trust her. Ask if you really believe she'd cheat on you. If she would, why are you with her? 5. If evidence is presented that she's cheating, get out. Your partner needs to be innocent until proven guilty. But she also needs to act innocent, and act like she cares about you. Set some rules, and follow them! 1
Author YumYum_DimSum Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post Pepper, your insight and understanding has been very helpful and and reassuring. But the truth of the matter is, I set ground rules. Even before I was asked, I steered clear of other females that I knew had an interest in. I did so because I loved my gf and wanted us to work, I wanted to show her I was willing to be a good boyfriend and didn't want any fights or arguments brought up as a cause of jealousy or mistrust. I never put her in that position and I showed her she was important to me. Unfortunately she didn't see the same. When she first mentioned this co worker, I was already a little worried because she is a very attractive person (physically and personality wise). This co worker tried to kiss her and she told me she pulled away but I'll never be sure. You'd think after being kissed she would steer clear of this guy, even if they worked together. She ends up going out to movies and one on one dinners with this guy maybe 2-3 times a week. I told her several times in an understanding tone that I was uncomfortable with her spending so much time with this guy and that I trusted her, not him. She didn't change and one day she went and hung out alone with him from 3pm till 4am. She didnt pick up my two calls or respond to any of my text messages. I was furious, we got in a fight and split. She couldn't see that she was allowing a third party into our relationship and she didnt seem to care that I was being a good, considerate boyfriend. Had she done the same, we may have lasted. After crying she begged me to stay in her life but I had enough then.
PepperPotts Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 I would have had enough too. She was trying to have the emotional part of a relationship with you and supplement the local, physical aspect with another guy. I guess it depends on your definition, but it almost sounds like cheating to me :/ Whether anything physical happened or not, she was definitely going on dates with him, she knew he was into her, and hanging out one on one until 4am just isn't normal for a platonic friendship. I think you made the right call. Does she regret it? Highly possible. Does she deserve another chance? I have no clue. But no matter what happens now, I really think you made the right choice, as hard as it must have been. 2
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