BM30153 Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 After having read some of the other postings out there about breaking up and coping up with the end of a relationship, I felt that I wanted to share my story too and get other's advice/reaction on the situation. Rencetly, my boyfriend of 4.5 months broke up with me....kind of out of the blue. We had just come back for a week-long vacation together, where he met my family. I remember telling him about a week after our return that I was beginning to feel very strong feelings for him and now that he has met my family, I did not want this to be "one-sided." I was done with the dating games in the city and was not looking for anything casual. His response to me at the time (which should should have set off alarm bells for me) was that he cared about me and enjoyed my company, but was not ready to make any big commitments. I thought his answer was reasonable, given that we had only known each other for a few months and I was willing to accept that as long as we were both willing to grow together and see where this goes. He agreed to this. But, about three weeks later, I was completely blindsinded by his decision to end the relationship. He said that he did not see a future for us because we were not a right match and that he felt he was no longer emotionally invested in the relationship. I cried and yelled and asked him what about me or the relationship that he felt was not "a good match." He said he could not tell me specifically what about us/relationship/him triggered this. Apparently, he had done this to 2 other girls before me. I asked him what he told them when he ended things with them. He said the same: he could not pinpoint exactly what it was that made him feel less emotionally invested. He figured that when he met the right girl, he would not feel this way. He told me he has been harboring doubts about us for about a month, even before our week-long vacation together. I thought we were growing closer during our vacation, but in him mind, he was trying "harder" to like me. After about 2 hours of pleading with him to tell me what about me or us that he thought was not a good match, I gave up and left his place in tears. Although I was saddened by his decision, I knew there was not much I can do to convince him otherwise. I have been struggling for the last 3 weeks (since our break-up) to cope with the end of the relationship. I just did not understand what changed. He had come on really strong, telling me he was crazy about me and that I made him happy and that he was lucky to be with me, etc. After a while of hearing those things said to you, combined with very considerate and thoughtful gestures, I finally let myself fall for him....I think anyone in my situation would have done the same. I had my heartbroken less than a year ago with an emotionally cold person and vowed never, ever to be in that situation again. It was too painful. So when I met this recent ex, I took all the precautions....keeping my social plans with my friends, letting him initiate our dates, etc. I realized he wasn't perfect, but over time I came to really like all of his little quirks. I really thought I was done with the whole dating scene and that I had found someone who really complimented me. We had a great time together, or at least I thought we did. We never had any major fights or arguments. There were a couple minor tiffs but mostly had to do with us not being able to spend the whole weekend together b/c he was always running off to his family's house in the suburbs. But everytime we fought, he always made amends. I liked that he knew how to appease me. Anyway, I was the most emotionally stable with him. I was never needy or demanding and also made sure I maintained my own life and independence. I don't like to be the type of girls whose whole identity/lives revolved around her boyfriend. My friends and career are important to me. I've worked hard in everything I've done in my life and I just feel like finding a happy and healthy relationship is the one thing that always manages to elude me. I feel so completely duped by the whole thing. I really felt like he was actively leading me down a rosy path, when he was thinking something else. I am angry that he was not forthright with his actions and words and kept his feelings to himself during the last month of our relatinship when I had always been honest with my feelings. I can't believe I thought I would be different from the others girls he dated. I realize that it was only a short period of time that we dated, but I still can't help but feel sad and a little disheartened by the whole situation. Utter despair is the one word that most accurately describes what I am feeling right now. I know this will pass, but when? I'm afraid that this experience has embittered me to the whole dating scene. Sometimes, I wonder what's the point when you can't even tell the good apple from the bad apple. He recently emailed me to see how I was doing and offered to talk if I wanted to. I thought a second about calling/responding, but realized what would be the point? He couldn't give me the specifics when we broke up, why would he do so now? I have since deleted all of his contact information from my plam, blackberry, etc. to eliminat the hope and temptation of reaching out to him again. I still miss him and still have trouble sleeping (thank god for Ambien!) and eating. I still cry at my desk or when I'm sitting home alone. I'm seeing a counselor. I'm trying to keep busy and socialize, even though my heart isn't into it.....but I still can't manage to shake him out of my mind. Thanks for reading about my woes. I would appreciate any feedback you can provide me. I am just looking forward to a day when my first thought upon waking up is NOT of him. Why are people like that? I just don't get it anymore.
hurting so bad Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 Hi sweetie. There are some great ebooks out there that really tell you how to stop a breakup and how to cope
Wellnowuknow Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 You know what though when this happens to us and it will a couple time you have to just accept and move on and learn from it. We are not always going to get the answers we are searching for. Like why how what did i do when will the pain go away...but sometimes we dont need the answers. I believe god does things for a reason and maybe this guy was not meant for you and would've held you back from meeting the man of your dreams. Its hard and cold and lonely but like I wrote on the other post don't stop yourself from the dating game if anything think of it as going back in more prepared. You noticed yourself analyzing now the relationship that their were warning signs. Now you are better equipped when out in the dating world. Do not give up on love because your going to sit there crying about him and he's going to be out and about doing who knows what and thats not fair to you. Now I'm not saying go out and date someone right now.. of course you have to dwell..but dont give up. Hang out with friends and family and keep as busy as possible. Time is loves greates healer and sadly it takes a looong time but eventually everything comes into focus and everything ends up ok. Just remember not to frown cuz somebody could be falling in love with your SMILE.
Author BM30153 Posted July 21, 2004 Author Posted July 21, 2004 Wellnowyouknow--Thanks for that pearl of wisdom. I hope you are right. I just can't see that right now b/c I feel numb. The thought of going back into the "game" is just too exhausting right now. I mean, how many times do I have to rehash my life story? How many frogs do I have to kiss to find my prince? I'm just sick and tired of feeling sad and am looking forward to the day when I can revel in my new-found singlehood again.
Wellnowuknow Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 I know i was there I didnt get over my EX untill 1 year had already passed. 1 year and in the meantime I kissed a lot of frogs and learned things about myself that I didn't know before. I learned If I could survive that I could survive anything and even more. I stopped looking for love and finally love found me. Its hard...soo hard. But when I did find this love all those other forgs I kissed came in handy because with everything I learned from them I was able to make my relationship now soooo much better and I know more about myself and what I want and its great. Like I said no matter what anyone tells you your going to hurt and cry and pout and ask questions and no one will compare. But eventually Time will heal all. I gave up and even said I was going to become a nun to stop the heartache lol. But now I'm happy but it took me a looooooooong time to get here.
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