Author USMCHokie Posted September 10, 2012 Author Share Posted September 10, 2012 Hokie, You have self esteem issues. This is where those "wild oats" feelings stem from. You think that if you were to have lots of sex it would mean you were more of a man than you think you are. You would have your external validation. Learn to love yourself for who are you are. Understand what you have to offer to the person you are with now instead of worrying about what you could have offered to those that don't matter anymore. This can certainly be true, but I'm definitely in a better place than I was a year or even two years ago. I'm not sure these "wild oats" feelings are as much motivated by a need for validation as they might have been before. Sure, it'd still be nice to have that validation, so I won't deny that it's adds to the appeal, but honestly, from being around my friends in the past, it just seemed like a lot of fun...or at least they and popular media have made it out to be. At this point, it might be more about the actual experience than what I'd get from it, if anything. I don't know...just thinking out loud... Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 (edited) OK, thread closed for moderator review at Stage Two. Thread starter, if you wish further comment after review is complete (I'll edit this post to reflect that), please alert on this post and request it. Thanks. 9/10/12: Reopened for on-topic comments relevant to the benefits, risks, and burdens of sowing one's wild oats. As detailed in the announcements, any references to the thread starter's backstory shall include links to threads detailing that backstory along with any citation. Any backstory information other than contained in a public posting by the thread starter is not allowed. I'm strictly enforcing this because of this thread going off-topic and personal information being shared inappropriately. Any violations of this policy or any other guidelines will be infracted at level Stage Three. Carry on. Edited September 10, 2012 by William Re-opened thread Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted September 10, 2012 Author Share Posted September 10, 2012 Hooray, we're back! Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 You can see what the general consensus has been in this thread, so you know what you have to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KungFuJoe Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 This can certainly be true, but I'm definitely in a better place than I was a year or even two years ago. I'm not sure these "wild oats" feelings are as much motivated by a need for validation as they might have been before. Sure, it'd still be nice to have that validation, so I won't deny that it's adds to the appeal, but honestly, from being around my friends in the past, it just seemed like a lot of fun...or at least they and popular media have made it out to be. At this point, it might be more about the actual experience than what I'd get from it, if anything. I don't know...just thinking out loud... I had a good friend/roommate back in the day. He had been with 75 women (told me so). In the brief time we were roommates (one year) he slept with 5 different women that I knew of and he called that being in a rut. He once slept with a different girl every day of the week...he called that "hell week". Jokingly of course. And these were good looking women. Sounds like he'd be the happiest guy in the world, right? Wrong. He had a daughter with an ex of his and he used to literally almost come to tears talking to me about how much he missed her...how he would do whatever it would take to get her back. Because of their daughter they still maintained contact so it was hard for him to let her go. He shared this story with me because I was also trying desperately to get back my own ex. I moved out eventually and we sorta lost touch. But I still would come by every so often to hang out. Last time I stopped by (probably 6 months from my previous visit) I found out he had gotten back together with his ex that he so desired. I was admittedly very jealous because here this guy is banging everything in sight AND the bastard got his ex back whereas I was still single and still trying to get my own ex back. Well...turns out he also got her pregnant again (which in itself wasn't a bad thing) but he said to me when i asked if he was happy, "yeah...but she's so fat now I don't want to have sex with her...so I'm cheating on her!". Like he was proud of it. But he looked miserable. And I was just shocked because this guy always talked about how he would cut off his own arm to get back with his ex. I never saw or spoke to him again after that. Something about him almost scared me. That was over ten years ago...and I still wonder what happened to him. He was a pretty cool guy and lots of fun to hang around and he had a sixth sense when it came to women. He even admitted that he just always knew what women were thinking...like he had a gift or something. But all I gathered from all that was...here is a guy who has slept with a ton of women...and he is miserable as ****. I never slept with a lot of women. Five to be exact. They were a mystery to me for a LONG time...and I was involved with my first gf for almost 6 years in some fashion (4 years together, 2 years trying to get her back). When I finally got to a point where I was over my first ex and understood more and finding a woman to be with came easier (I was with three different women in a 3-4 month period and had several other girls who I could have been with) I met my eventual wife and never looked back. I was 25 at the time. Even my wife, still to this day, tells me that I could have been with a lot more women if I had wanted and asks me if I regretted it. And all I think about it is my friend and how miserable he looked the last time I saw him...then I think about how ridiculously happy I am with my wife and my answer is a resounding "HELL NO". 4 Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 If it makes people happy sleeping around, this is their life choice as long as it's not at the expense of their committed partner or at the expense of the people they're sleeping around with (deceitful behaviour which includes lying by omission of wanting something serious when all they want is sex from the person). It's when it becomes a never ending cycle of having low self-esteem, needing to tap it from others whether through deceit or not, hating self for needing it which drives their self-esteem lower, that it becomes problematic. Talk about self-defeating, never mind collateral damage caused by thrashing around. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 And so I wonder, Hokie, that after ending your relationship and after returning from deployment, if you'll drill down to the root of your self-esteem problems and address them. Any plans for that? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 IMO, a change of geographical scenery and some adventure, along with the responsibilities/consequences which attend, can do wonders for a young man's perspective, self-esteem and health for an intimate relationship. Along the path, the man can make choices which align with his personality and psychology (e.g. 'sowing wild oats' doesn't have to mean 'becoming wantonly promiscuous' if that's not his style) and bring a more worldly perspective back to home and hearth and whatever potentials await him there, or even those found along the way. Clearly, this path is for someone who is not in a committed relationship or marriage, presuming they view monogamy as a life choice . It's a potential for a single, uncommitted, person. I'll probably do a bit more of it as I recover from D, relevant to my style of 'living a little', as I have positive memories of that period. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 And so I wonder, Hokie, that after ending your relationship and after returning from deployment, if you'll drill down to the root of your self-esteem problems and address them. Any plans for that? This right here. Get the deployment out of the way and start fresh. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 It is over rated; getting all the shagging possible out of your system. I let my boyfriend do it before we started in a serious long term relationship, to the stage where he said it did nothing for him. Even as a young guy, he simpy could not do it anymore, because once you love someone, they are the only person that satisfies you. You are too crazy about them to think about other girls sexually. I was trying to be the cool girlfriend, I assessed his character, and deemed it best that he sowed his " wild oats" who however it is that saying is phrased.... Yet even if you LET a guy just do it as much as they please, once they really love someone, they really do not fancy it. Not even remotely. My scenario is different of course, because my partner was not able to hook up with normal girls ( he could not bring himself to/did not want to kiss them or go through the usual motions of hooking up), so I suggested hookers, which he used rampantly in the past before me. haha so I guess you are NOT looking to do it with hookers.. but the idea of having as much sex as possible (albiet with hookers) is still the same as your predicament; and my partner was alloud to do it as long as he wanted, and he got tired of it after only a few tries. You may surprise yourself! My own partner was not the settling down type; AT ALL. He aint a player, but he was VERY averse to settling down with one girl, for the rest of his life at this stage. He has ended up wanting to get married and spend his life with me, which is a total 180 to the character he was when we first met. It does get to a stage though, that with the right person, you do NOT even THINK about being sexual with other girls, abliet in fantasies whe you watch porn. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 Unfortunately for me, I spent a majority of my life with male friends who embodied this lifestyle of relative promiscuity, which I was never a part of. I am not ashamed to admit that it affected me deeply and created an angst to experience it. My struggle now is that I've found someone I actually DO want to spend my life with, yet I still carry this long-rooted burden with me...something that had grown over the years of being the only guy in the group to always go home alone. I'm just trying to reconcile that now with my current relationship. So is this thread about your definition of masculinity? Why did you join the Marines? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 What I read was that the OP hung out with promiscuous males and evidently had a sexual style different from them but wondered if their style was 'better' and bore the burden of that internal debate long after moving on from those friends. It sounds like he's internalizing 'more' sexual variety as 'better' instead of 'different' and feels inferior because of 'lack', hence wondering about 'the taste of wild oats'. Does it taste 'better'? Is it 'more satisfying'? Is he 'less of a man' for not being sexually promiscuous and sowing his wild oats? OP, any traction here? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 I have seen this before with men who were younger (in their 20s) and perhaps not being very secure in their own definition of masculinity. Ie they over-rated the aggression more than more secure males do - in my experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Bristolius Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 (edited) Sowing your wild oats (aka casual sex)seems to me like sitting in a restaurant kitchen and eating the food left on plates by anonymous diners out front. If you're really hungry you can get it down easier. You can also assign meaning to fancy restaurants vs. fast food joints, the idea that you're not paying, the risk of getting sick, and the general seediness of your behavior. Just an idea. Edited to add: Sorry I went back to the eating and tasting. Edited September 11, 2012 by Bristolius Link to post Share on other sites
oldskl Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 What is wild oats? you mean trying different races of women or something? LMFAO! Link to post Share on other sites
PJKino Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 I would never cheat or use a women but i have to admit if i ever do get a girlfriend id probably be real curious to see how desirable iam to other women and if my lack of approaching stopped me from getting women all these years or if this was just a fluke one in a million girl whos actually interested in me Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted September 11, 2012 Author Share Posted September 11, 2012 So is this thread about your definition of masculinity? Why did you join the Marines? No, I don't think it's about masculinity at all. Whoring around just looked fun...and I wanted part of that fun. And I guess I also wanted to "confirm" everyone's theory that being Asian didn't matter... And I joined because of the people. Link to post Share on other sites
KungFuJoe Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 No, I don't think it's about masculinity at all. Whoring around just looked fun...and I wanted part of that fun. And I guess I also wanted to "confirm" everyone's theory that being Asian didn't matter... And I joined because of the people. Whoring around doesn't seem to be a factor in happiness, to be honest. I mean, it beats being single, but it doesn't compare to a meaningful relationship. Not only the story I posted above, but one of my best friends is an Indian guy in his late 30s (we are the same age) who has probably 3 girls right now that he is casually having sex with, including a FWB for almost ten years. And all he wants is a relationship with someone he values. He had a serious gf way back in the day and I can tell he still misses her. They broke up over religious reasons. My brief "whoring" consisted of a one night stands, ex sex, and sex with a girl I was seeing over probably a few months time. Even my friends were calling me a whore. It didn't bother me, but it sure didn't make me more happy. And honestly, the one night stand, believe or not, made me feel cheap. As soon as things got serious with my eventual wife, I cut off all other female contact and never looked back. And I couldn't be happier. I wouldnt trade what I have for all the sex with all the other women in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted September 11, 2012 Author Share Posted September 11, 2012 And i dont even know if its about happiness either...I don't feel like I need to be a whore to be happy...its more like simple fleeting curiosity...wondering if its as fun as its made out to be. Fun is not the same thing as happiness, methinks...if you've got other sources of happiness, then relationships don't need to be the basis for that happiness... Again, i dont know...thinking out loud... Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 No, I don't think it's about masculinity at all. Whoring around just looked fun...and I wanted part of that fun. And I guess I also wanted to "confirm" everyone's theory that being Asian didn't matter... And I joined because of the people. I kind of meant the Asian thing too. So it was about fitting in. Men with very strong views on how all males should behave put a lot of pressure on everyone around them. What do you mean 'because of the people'? How do you see them? Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 ooohhh... so, it is more about the fact your: in a relationship now, and the fact your Asian and have had male friends who were incessantly hooking up with pretty girls. You are questioning how much you want to be in a relationship, and also wanting to compensate for other things you feel you could have missed out on? If you prefer to be close to girls rather than have a totall meaningless experience, why not just be single, and have a string of girls that you "see"... You know, get to know them and just be single basically. Making sure you at least like the girls a little, rather than pulling in randoms every weekend, could be a better option for you... I never read or saw anyone ask you yet: are you eve the type who enjoys meaningless sex? If not, this thread is totally pointless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted September 12, 2012 Author Share Posted September 12, 2012 I kind of meant the Asian thing too. So it was about fitting in. Men with very strong views on how all males should behave put a lot of pressure on everyone around them. Yea, I suppose it's also about fitting in, and yes, I've received pressure or expectation before from other guys... What do you mean 'because of the people'? How do you see them? People who are honorable, trustworthy, and reliable. Serving with those who I knew I could count on when it matters. It's not about masculinity, but strength of character. And I have yet to be disappointed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted September 12, 2012 Author Share Posted September 12, 2012 I never read or saw anyone ask you yet: are you eve the type who enjoys meaningless sex? If not, this thread is totally pointless. I wouldn't know. Other than my first time which ended being a one night stand, I've never had "meaningless sex"...it's always been relationship-minded...or in furtherance of dating towards a relationship... Link to post Share on other sites
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