The Taste of Wild Oats...

[denise_xo]

And it's that prior experience that allows people to say with such confidence that these feelings are unfounded. As we get older, we take for granted our past experiences, so those who have dated many people or slept around don't really understand or remember the feeling of not having ever done that.

 

Sure - although I also think another factor is how you view sex and relationships in the first place, as well as how you frame your self esteem and validation. My H is from a culture where being with one partner your whole life is the ideal, and where sexual intimacy is closely linked with emotional intimacy and long term commitment. Being a player isn't validated in the same way as it is in (parts of) our societies. They have all other kinds of issues going, but that bit strikes me as relatively healthy for young people growing up.

[BehindBlueEyes]

I'd end it and never speak to her again to eat oats.

 

All of em say that, no offense.

 

End it and play the fields/oats....I don't think you're ready for a commitment relationship just yet if you have these thoughts.

[USMCHokie]

I don't know honestly - that's up to you. That you're thinking about it is not really a good sign though. You should really hone in and pinpoint exactly why that is, and what you can do to satiate it without destroying what you have.

 

Hence my coming to LS to discuss the topic...I hope it'd be something that others have experienced and can provide intelligent insight on.

[threebyfate]

Well, I don't know what to say about that. Typically, when you're in love with someone, and you're apart from them you long for them, not other people...

I agree with you but it appears there are plenty of people who don't view their relationships as seriously as they should. There also appear to be a lot of people on the Internet who don't care if the guy/girl they're interested in, is previously committed. It's quite disheartening and disillusioning.

[USMCHokie]

Well, I don't know what to say about that. Typically, when you're in love with someone, and you're apart from them you long for them, not other people...

 

Of course I long for her and wish she was with me. It's more the curiosity of the lifestyle than actually longing for another person in particular.

 

But you're right, distance shouldnt make me want to look elsewhere.

[BehindBlueEyes]

Have fun, H....

 

Don't know why I replied to here I mean what does a two years from being 40 year old virgin know anything about such things? Likes to hear self talk I guess.

 

Anyways go fo rit if you think it'll make you happy.

 

I gotta go late night shopping at Wal-Mart for cute pajamas.....later, abs guy.

[snug.bunny]

Hence my coming to LS to discuss the topic...I hope it'd be something that others have experienced and can provide intelligent insight on.

 

I've experienced it twice.

 

Shortly after a six year relationship ended, as a result where my "partner" cheated. I was not emotionally open for a couple of years, I went out a lot, dated here and there (was physically intimate with a couple men) but it came to a halt when I met someone I really "dug" a year or so after the "oats" period.

 

And once, in high school.

[ThaWholigan]

Hence my coming to LS to discuss the topic...I hope it'd be something that others have experienced and can provide intelligent insight on.

I'm not sure you really need the "insight" to be honest. It's a good topic I admit, for the purposes of discussion, yes .

 

But you really have to figure out on your own whether it's really worth it. There are factors that make this a less than perfect arrangement for you it seems, and if you are really contemplating this even slightly seriously, then it doesn't seem like this will last, unfortunately. Unless you work out why you are feeling like this.

 

For what it's worth, my brothers all get laid a million times more than I do with my mere 2 encounters. Yet, I don't really desire the volume of encounters that they do, neither that of my friends. If I, at the peak of my sexuality, don't desire it now, I never will.

 

For what more is worth, the amount of times I have had friends confess to me that they regret their break-ups that led them to sex so many women, yet they cannot replicate the beauty of their intimate moments with their former SOs led me to believe that it wasn't worth it anyway.

[snug.bunny]

I agree with you but it appears there are plenty of people who don't view their relationships as seriously as they should. There also appear to be a lot of people on the Internet who don't care if the guy/girl they're interested in, is previously committed. It's quite disheartening and disillusioning.

 

Yes, we hear about this a lot. Especially via the internet, TV and the like.

[USMCHokie]

I'm not sure you really need the "insight" to be honest. It's a good topic I admit, for the purposes of discussion, yes .

 

But you really have to figure out on your own whether it's really worth it. There are factors that make this a less than perfect arrangement for you it seems, and if you are really contemplating this even slightly seriously, then it doesn't seem like this will last, unfortunately. Unless you work out why you are feeling like this.

 

I do want to figure out why I feel this way. Many people in their 20's are complaining about how they enter into a string of bad relationships and only want the one relationship that can last. Strangely enough, I've only had a few relationships that are good enough to last, yet I get curious about what it's like to have a string of bad ones...

[USMCHokie]

And once, in high school.

 

I know you can only really speculate, but do you think your dating life would have been different had you not had this experience in high school...?

[kaylan]

Should everyone try to experience the "taste of wild oats" at some point in their life? For those who have experienced it, are you glad you did, and did you eventually get over it and seek out more meaningful relationships? And for those who entered into serious relationships without the oats, have you ever longed for that experience?

 

Media has certainly glamorized sex and the lifestyle of the "player." although I understand that it's not a very fulfilling way to live, i sometimes get the desire to experience it, especially when I'm in a relationship. It stems from jealousy and resentment of many of my friends who live or have lived a promiscuous lifestyle and the curiosity of that lifestyle. A lot of people get a taste of it during college or in their early to mid 20's; likewise there are people who go eat oats after a divorce or ending of a long relationship.

 

For example, when I was visiting NYC, I was in awe at the number of people out there, and it made me wonder who else was out there...and it made me wonder what else there was to experience.

 

What are your thoughts on wild oats...?

Its for some people and not for everyone. Ive had some fun myself, within reason. I plan to have some more fun too and dont plan on stopping unless I find someone whos awesome and makes me want only her.

 

Basically I dont have expectations on how my dating life should go. Im going to just enjoy it for what it is and have fun the way I want to. Ive never really been too promiscuous though, and really couldnt because its way too risky health wise.

 

But I do party and mingle with folks. Id say its better for people to experience life a good bit before settling down...because I think its good to be well rounded and know what life has to offer. That way you minimize the potential of regrets, what ifs, and limit the desire of wanting to mingle as much.

[Star Gazer]

I know you can only really speculate, but do you think your dating life would have been different had you not had this experience in high school...?

 

Everyone's life would be different in all ways if they didn't have the experiences they had all throughout their life. Dating is no different.

 

You are who you are, you can't change it. Embrace what you have now 100%, or let her go.

[kaylan]

PS - OP, based upon your age, some of your past posts, and your current relationship...I dont think you see yourself staying with this woman. Ive always got the feeling that you were partially settling and that youd desire a younger girl your age to run around and have fun with. Thats just me though.

[snug.bunny]

I know you can only really speculate, but do you think your dating life would have been different had you not had this experience in high school...?

 

It's entirely possible, but it is impossible for me to know for sure. High School, was an entirely different period for me, emotionally and socially.

 

Right after High School, I met and fell in love with someone I was with for several years. Single for one year after it ended, and then right into another relationship (the one I was in for 6 years).

[ThaWholigan]

I do want to figure out why I feel this way. Many people in their 20's are complaining about how they enter into a string of bad relationships and only want the one relationship that can last. Strangely enough, I've only had a few relationships that are good enough to last, yet I get curious about what it's like to have a string of bad ones...

 

I was curious too, after seeing my younger brother (not the short one I live with ) have so many relationships and sex a lot of girls too. Everyone around me was having sex with a lot of people - except probably both my parents and a couple of friends. It was hard not to be curious.

 

But after a while, I wasn't. I'm still not. I heavily doubt I ever will be again. It's as though I lived it through the others, rather than desire it because of them. I experienced the emotions alongside them while they were doing their thing - if that makes sense. So that was kinda how I got over my curiosity. Because I firmly believe that it wouldn't really be that worth it, even though I don't have a relationship I would be sacrificing. I would want more, and I do want more. Even though casual was pretty good . There's better - I know there is better. I'm talking oatmeal with blueberries and cinnamon, and honey too. Rather eat that than plain old porridge .

[USMCHokie]

Its for some people and not for everyone. Ive had some fun myself, within reason. I plan to have some more fun too and dont plan on stopping unless I find someone whos awesome and makes me want only her.

 

Basically I dont have expectations on how my dating life should go. Im going to just enjoy it for what it is and have fun the way I want to. Ive never really been too promiscuous though, and really couldnt because its way too risky health wise.

 

But I do party and mingle with folks. Id say its better for people to experience life a good bit before settling down...because I think its good to be well rounded and know what life has to offer. That way you minimize the potential of regrets, what ifs, and limit the desire of wanting to mingle as much.

 

I get what you're saying. My first time was a one-night stand when I was 25, a few months prior to my first relationship. I valued sex very highly as I hadn't ever had it, so it kinda screwed up my mind a little.

 

As strange as it sounds, I've found that woman who's awesome and has a personality that is perfect for me...so I'm afraid of losing that just to downgrade and "have a little fun"...

[BehindBlueEyes]

Hokie, ever wear jammies at Wal-Mart?

[quankanne]

I did the wild-child thing when I moved to my college town, far, far away from home and after breaking up with a guy I'd dated for about a year.

 

in one sense, I enjoyed it, because I liked sex; in another sense, it was probably the worst thing I did to try to build my self-esteem because I was hurting myself more than I helped myself, you know?

 

looking back, I would have cut out a lot of the one-night stands and focused a little more on lasting relationships, possibly the FWB kind because to me, that makes more sense at that stage in my life than the ONS ...

[USMCHokie]

PS - OP, based upon your age, some of your past posts, and your current relationship...I dont think you see yourself staying with this woman. Ive always got the feeling that you were partially settling and that youd desire a younger girl your age to run around and have fun with. Thats just me though.

 

I can see it both ways...marrying her and living happily ever after...or not marrying her...and living happily ever after.

[USMCHokie]

Hokie, ever wear jammies at Wal-Mart?

 

The Walmart in my town is rich with folks who wear jammies. I don't own jammies.

[threebyfate]

Hokie, let her go. Get it out of your system first.

 

So that you know, on LS, in the three subforums of Infidelity, OW/OM, Cheating and Flirting, there are a total of 27,556 threads of people hurting bad from the impacts of cheating and 640,404 posts addressing cheating in some manner, whether emotional, physical or both. That's boatloads of raw pain, lives destroyed over nothing. Read some of these threads. Might give you a reality check.

[USMCHokie]

Hokie, let her go. Get it out of your system first.

 

So that you know, on LS, in the three subforums of Infidelity, OW/OM, Cheating and Flirting, there are a total of 27,556 threads of people hurting bad from the impacts of cheating and 640,404 posts addressing cheating in some manner, whether emotional, physical or both. That's boatloads of raw pain, lives destroyed over nothing. Read some of these threads. Might give you a reality check.

 

So I guess the next question is whether there's any way to get it out of your system without having to experience it?

[tigressA]

I agree with SG and TBF--it's not good that you're having these thoughts while you're in a relationship.

 

When my ex was abroad, I missed him, but then I developed a crush on someone else. I was told here that I didn't really care about him and I denied that, but looking back it's true; I really didn't. After our split, I didn't mourn the loss at all and moved on really quickly. It felt like a burden had been lifted from my shoulders, which isn't how you should feel when you break up with someone you truly care for.

 

I've had quite a bit of 'oats'. I hooked up with some 6+ guys in less than a year after I ended my longest relationship (almost 2 years), and I cheated in that relationship less than 6 months in. Sometimes I think of how nice it would be to have a lifetime love...I do enjoy the company of a man, particularly physically--I am one of those types who needs a man in my bed. But I balk at the thought of marriage and I realize I get bored easily. I've started acknowledging my limitations and think I may never be fit for LTRs.

 

You do need to take some time to suss out why you are thinking like this...and decide if staying in this relationship is a good idea...

[threebyfate]

So I guess the next question is whether there's any way to get it out of your system without having to experience it?

No idea beyond having the willpower to stop yourself. But she's 18 years older, Hokie. Pretend you stay together for the next five years. Not certain how old you are but as a guess, 25ish. If so, this will make her almost 50 years old. What then when she shows serious signs of aging and you're only 30?