Author AnotherRound Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 Many of us want more out of our partners than just not being a murderer, and a history of betrayal would be an important factor to consider. Everyone has different standards, I guess. Who says I am not considering his past? I have and I am. I am responding with, oh well, cheating on me is not the worst thing in the world, and if it happens, I can deal. I don't think he will. I could be wrong. I've weighed it out, and I'm willing to chance it. That is my choice, right? Bc for some people cheating is the end of the world, they are so fearful of this. I do not fear it. It won't kill me, it won't break me, I will just be sad and disappointed in him, and then I will move on. I don't understand the fear, I honestly don't. But, I was a BW once, and felt it. And guess what? It did NOT kill me. I went on to better things, I grew as a person, I succeeded in my career, I have a good life... it is NOT that big of a freakin' deal. (Imo, to those that it devastates, I'm sorry) It just doesn't devastate me. If it happens, I will move on. Just like I would with ANY man that I was dating. I choose to not live in fear. His hx has been considered, I've thought about it, and I'm okay with it. I don't think what he did was right, but I do understand why he did. I have talked to my exH a LOT over the years since our D (11 years ago), and his story is VERY similar to exMM's. His reasons for cheating on me were situational. My exH is NOT a bad guy, just not the right guy for me. Yes, he could have handled his unhappiness differently... but he didn't. I dealt with it, he dealt with it, we moved on. It didn't KILL us or handicap us or maul us... it hurt for a while. To be so afraid of being hurt emotionally is foreign to me, it's just a part of life. You can choose to NEVER date someone who has made a mistake. That is your choice. I choose differently. I don't judge you for your fear, that's your business, and your life. You can judge me all you want, again, I'm not bothered by it bc it doesn't kill me.
Author AnotherRound Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 **Another assumption as you do not know for FACT that this happened!!! this is what so many are staying to you...you are believing every single words from his mouth and from GOSSIP. until you witness it, you don't get to say what she did and didn't do/react per each situation. What? Everyone is trying to tell me something that I already know? Should I ask them to invite me over to watch their discussions? That is ludicrous to believe that you can't know anything that you don't SEE with your own eyes. Do you believe in God? A higher power? Do you believe a neighbor if they tell you they got a new dog but you haven't seen it? I see what people are saying, and I've been saying all along... I do not agree. That is my right. Just because you bold it and put ** in front of it doesn't mean that I have to agree with it. I can say whatever I want to say. You can choose to believe he's lying and it's all made up. But you can't stop me from saying what I believe to be the truth.
Silly_Girl Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 I can say whatever I want to say. You can choose to believe he's lying and it's all made up. But you can't stop me from saying what I believe to be the truth. I used to get it all the time, particularly on one major aspect of the marriage. But I got to know his family/friends once we were together proper and there was no doubt... Hang on. Are you sure he even HAS a wife? Have you seen her? Got photographic evidence? I reckon he's just made the whole thing up. You know what these MM are like! 1
2sunny Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Good luck with it all. You obviously weren't looking for insight. 2
Author AnotherRound Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 I used to get it all the time, particularly on one major aspect of the marriage. But I got to know his family/friends once we were together proper and there was no doubt... Hang on. Are you sure he even HAS a wife? Have you seen her? Got photographic evidence? I reckon he's just made the whole thing up. You know what these MM are like! Lol. I'm pretty sure he has a wife... but I haven't seen them in bed together doing marriage things, so, ya know? Yeah, he and I, and she and I, have tons of mutual friends. Heck, I even have a few mutual friends with the other OW that came after me. It's a pretty small community, so, it's bound to happen. I have heard a lot, but especially from the friends that are more "his" than hers. I met a sister of mutual friend of he and I's once, and her brother (our friend), told his sister that I was seeing him (during the A, years ago). I was shocked for a minute that he said it out loud to her, as I didn't know her, and it wasn't something I flaunted. She simply asked if he was still married to ******, and I said yeah, waiting for her to berate me for the A... and she just smiled and said, "well, that's not a surprise really, I knew he wouldn't be able to deal with her forever, I thought they'd be divorced by now.". I didn't say a word... It was so weird to hear a total stranger just outright repeat what all of our friends were always saying. I never knew if they were just saying it for my benefit, or his, or what. But this girl had NO idea who I was, wasn't friends with me... but she just said it out loud so matter of factly. The general agreement was that neither of them were bad people, but many were surprised when they got married bc apparently, their friends thought that they were badly matched and would never make it. What's funny, is all my friends said the same about me and my exH, and they were right... lol. I didn't believe them then, but they were dead on... we just weren't a good fit. It happens. Now I feel like I need to verify he even has a wife!
Author AnotherRound Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 Good luck with it all. You obviously weren't looking for insight. I was looking for insight, just not judgment. There is one BS on here who makes VERY valid points and has advice and suggestions and feedback that I truly appreciate (ElinoreRigby). But the stuff that I'm responding to is when people expect me to take a beating when I don't deserve it. I'm not still in the A, I'm not dating the exMM, I'm considering (strongly, now) trying to date him IF his divorce goes through and is finalized. I'm not into character bashing either, and so I don't really respect that either. I am finding insight, from some posters. And have gotten some really good suggestions that I've already applied.
2sunny Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 That's good. I find it interesting though - that a poster who asks for others experience and perspective will often limit and control the input posters into to give. If you intend to control the hell out of it - you're the one judging - and simultaneously controlling how others intend to help you. Which makes it virtually impossible to gain a LOT of insight. It will be very limited.
Author AnotherRound Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 That's good. I find it interesting though - that a poster who asks for others experience and perspective will often limit and control the input posters into to give. If you intend to control the hell out of it - you're the one judging - and simultaneously controlling how others intend to help you. Which makes it virtually impossible to gain a LOT of insight. It will be very limited. Well, I'm not aware that is what I'm doing. I asked for other experiences similar to mine. I didn't realize that the OW/OM board was a punching bag for so many BS who can't get their feelings under control. And perspectives are nice, if someone realizes that it is their perspective and doesn't attempt to present it as truth. My perspective is just as valid as anyone's, especially considering it's a thread about my relationship. Yet, I'm told again and again that I'm wrong. If someone wants to "help" me, I'm up for it. Although, I clearly stated that I can make my own decisions and am not really looking for "help" per se. I was wanting to read, someone asked for my back story, I provided it, and then updated it, and there were people being emotionally immature and attempting to belittle me and my feelings and my choices. That wasn't helpful to me at all. I'm not a person who is going to cow tow to people just bc they think that they know better than I do regarding my situation. If someone wants to give input, in an adult manner, I'm willing to hear it. If I don't agree, I'm going to say so. I notice some people on here think that they intimidate others. They might intimidate some, but me? Nah. I'm pretty confident in my ability to make my own decisions and handle my own consequences. I was wanting to link up with others who have perhaps been in a similar situation, or talk to others about my thoughts and feelings about the situation I am currently experiencing... of an exMM coming back and expressing a desire to try to have a relationship with me after he is divorced. I realize it's a pretty small niche, and I'm okay with that. But I'm not going to let bullies just spout out nonsense about my character and/or his character and then try to act as if they are trying to "help".
Leelou Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 I'm just a normal guy (sitting in his pretty yet plush mansion, All these mansions... tell me, is your "mansion" at least forty rooms? If not, it ain't a mansion. And yeah, a 5000 sq ft home is nice and big, but is NO mansion!!!
Silly_Girl Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 You can try to convince yourself all you want, but make no mistake,you most certainly ARE back in the affair. And the fog seems to be getting thicker by the hour. What's your rationale here? 1
Got it Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 I think it is definitely something to look at and can be poor coping mechanisms and avoidance especially if one has gone back to the behavior time and again. What I would want to see is how, if they are, addressing the issue, how are they acknowledging, working through it, and changing it. If one does not address the issue, or does not take culpability then that would be a red flag for me. I don't think once a cheater always a cheater. Or once a liar always a liar, but looking at the whys, the situation, and how the person is address it. I would want to see therapy, couples counseling, etc. so he can work on rebuilding the right coping and conflict resolution skills. It may be a toxic dynamic between them or it may be all about him. It would really be up to him to address and work through and you to observe and assess. I recognize now the poor boundaries I had in my relationship with my spouse even outside the EMR. It was a shocker to me the lines that I crossed without realizing it. Since our relationship started in adolescents we had a codependent and immature relationship and I was very immature emotionally and very codependent with poor coping mechanism. I was repeating patterns based on childhood dynamics that were not healthy or effective. I found therapy to be very productive as well as being out of the relationship with my exhusband. 1
Author AnotherRound Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 You can try to convince yourself all you want, but make no mistake,you most certainly ARE back in the affair. And the fog seems to be getting thicker by the hour. Honestly, if you believe this, then there's no point talking any further with you about anything, bc you are defining an A as... well, I don't know. 2 conversations in 1 and a half years? Not seeing someone? Your idea of an A, and my idea of an A, are obviously VERY different. By your definition, I'm having an A with all of my married friends... including the women. I did read through some of your threads, and I have my opinions on you and your situation, but I'll keep them to myself. Suffice it to say, your opinion isn't really relative to me at all since seeing how unable you are to see outside of your own anger. You and I are very different people. I don't need to feel power over someone, you obviously do to feel "safe". We can agree to disagree. And you can call it an A if you like, doesn't matter to me. I know what I'm involved in and what I'm not.
Recommended Posts