My Story... Going to be LONG...

[AnotherRound]

you said it- a bad decision.....meaning "one." this man continued cheating on his wife, with another woman, after you finished with him. correct?

 

how is that any good?

 

I didn't say it was "good", I said it didn't make him a "bad" person. We obviously look at the world differently. I don't judge someone simply bc they handled something wrong. And I don't think it's the end of the world if someone makes a bad decision bc they are fearful.

 

I guess my ability to see this so differently comes from the fact that I was once a BW and then was an OW. I've seen both sides of it, and neither side is made of "bad" people. I have understanding for my exH who cheated on ME... lol. So, it only makes sense that I would be able to look at the situation with all the gray area for someone that cheated on someone else. I get it, I understand why it happens. I'm not saying it's "right", but I'm not so sure it's always "wrong". Life isn't that black and white for me, sorry that it confuses you or upsets you that my outlook has a lot of gray.

[AnotherRound]

MM is forced to set Plan B in motion because THE WIFE either discovers and/or kicks to the curb.

 

OW waits to win her prize.

 

Typical.

Predictable.

 

 

What's typical and predictable, is the bitterness and know it alls that come out on threads like this. Rme.

 

I didn't wait for anything. I ended the A, I initiated NC, I walked away. I was tired of holding their marriage together for them. As far as I was concerned, they would get divorced and move on and it wouldn't involve me at all. But exMM contacted me and asked me to consider a relationship once his D is finalized. I don't see how that's me sitting around waiting to "collect my prize". ?

 

Did you even read the posts? He is now making the decision to walk away from the M. That's his decision. I didn't make it, I didn't pressure him, or ask him to do so. I couldn't care less at this point, other than I would like for him to be done with the facade and be happy. But I wasn't involved in any of that, bc I had removed myself over a year and a half ago.

 

Weird.

[AnotherRound]

I doubt you'll find the judgmental posts to be of much help; I certainly don't.

 

I just think you need to be careful about getting locked into a crutch/nurse/counselor/caretaker role for him. I don't think you'll find that role very gratifying in the long-term.

 

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I guess this is a role I have in a lot of my relationships, not just intimate ones. I have a profession that makes me very good at this type of thing, so naturally, people turn to me for an ear. To me, it is an important part of a relationship, and it's one that I expect from any SO that I have too. Right now, I'm okay with providing him this, it doesn't take away from me or drain me or make me uncomfortable or sad. If it starts to cause any of those things, I will simply tell him. I have taken that away from him in the past, right after I ended the A. It was just too hurtful, I couldn't be there in that way for him. He understood that and we had very little contact after that other than running into one another and saying hi, how are things. I have pretty clear boundaries, and if I feel that I can't enforce them or that he is crossing them, I am confident that I can reassert them easily and without regret.

[truthbetold]

What's typical and predictible is when a poster "claims" to want to have all sorts of opinions bc they're not sure of this or that, then when veterans challenge them instead of putting forth some thought out dialogue the barbs and ultra defensiveness comes out. You may want to think why some of the responses cause you to have such a defensive trigger, usually that which triggers us is what holds some truth to it.

 

It's amazing that those that can see his character traits as "not good" are "bitter":laugh: Talk about deflecting. People would just like to see you not undo all the good you did do in untangling from him. Seems your mind is pretty set and you were just lookin for validation. This too happens all the time, so it's no surprise.

 

The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

[AnotherRound]

Unless OP is having frank and direct conversation with STBXW, then OP can't know her at all. So what good is a prejudiced opinion? Otherwise, watching TV interviews and collecting magazines would make me best friends Halle Berry ...and the tears I see in the mirror every morning prove that isn't true either...

 

Intimacy (whether real or imagined) in an affair can be confusing this way. Sharing bodily fluids with someone else's husband, then hearing MM's (accurate or inaccurate) psychoanalysis about his BW, hearing about her habits, hearing about her quirks, her shortcomings, witnessing secrets of her life from afar -all these intimate details certainly can create the feeling of knowing someone. But without frank open conversation, OP doesn't know the STBXW anymore than she really knows Robert Pattinson or Hilary Rodham Clinton.

 

The other problem is bias. The OP can't truly evaluate STBXW because the OP can never be objective. Accordingly, asking a mistress for her honest opinion of a BW is like asking Mitt Romney for an honest opinion of Barrack Obama (or vice versa). Mitt, Barrack, and every mistress will always think they're being objective in evaluating their opponents. But by their nature, they cannot be objective! No matter what they say, it will always boil down to a belief that "I'm better a fit than they are." Well, unless their self esteem really hits rock bottom...

 

You simply can't be objective when your own investment is at stake. Accordingly, if your evaluation of a situation can't be 100% objective then neither can it (nor will it ever) be 100% logical. Because it is inherently rooted in bias. And by its very nature, bias is illogical. In such circumstances (two people nibbling away at the fruit of an affair) aspersions are both easily sold and happily bought.

 

In other words, convincing your mistress that your wife is the inferior woman is about as easy as convincing fish to swim & bluebirds to fly.

 

So how much weight can the mistresses opinion of the wife really hold? Particularly, when the two women are isolated from each other and (whether intentionally or not) kept from having open dialogue with one another?

 

Maybe STBXW is coo coo for cocoa puffs. Maybe not. Either way, let's not pretend to know the mind/goals/feelings of the STBXW. Let's not feign objectivity or lay claim to logical superiority. Particularly if the OP has never broached frank, open, and mature dialogue with the STBXW in the 7 (seven!) long years since OP entered this drawn-out affair (despite contrary claims of "confronting life head on").

 

 

Yeah, you're right. I have no ability to be objective since I've been out of the A for a year and a half. Our mutual friends are also biased against the wife when they speak of her, since they are friends of hers. You KNOW how people are. *sigh*

 

I don't recall ever saying that the wife is crazy. Did I say that? Weird, bc I've never thought that. It's hilarious that so many people think that they KNOW what kind of person I am and how I live my life based on one tiny little aspect of it. I feel sad for people who think that an A is the end of the world, must have had a pretty plush and privileged life if that's the worst thing that has happened to you.

[AnotherRound]

Has he told her explicitly that his reconciliation attempts are at an end?

If not, he should, and he needs to make it clear that he is done. He doesn't need to be an ******* about it, but he needs to make it quite clear.

 

He did, a week ago. She refused to discuss it or acknowledge it. She literally just walks away when he tries to talk to her about things. He also tried to talk to her about the D issues and splitting the assets, and she said it was "too late tonight" to discuss it and said, "we'll talk about it later". That's how she operates. If she doesn't want to face something, she just doesn't talk about it, she avoids it like the plague.

 

So now, his concerns are, how long the D is going to take. He's frustrated bc he knows that she will just keep putting things off and he wants to get everything sorted so they can move on. She won't tell him if she wants the D, or doesn't want the D, always just says, "we'll talk about it later". It drives him crazy, as it would me.

 

I think that now that he's made up his mind (if he truly has and it isn't just frustration and bravado) he will have to push all of this through. He believes that is what she is trying to do anyway so that he will be the "bad guy" for giving up on the reconciliation.

 

Like I said, sometimes, people are just wrong for each other. I don't know if he and I are "right" for each other, but the two of them? Egad... I couldn't stand to be involved with someone who is so passive aggressive all the time or unwilling to communicate about anything of importance.

 

And her friends are saying the same thing. That he has ended the reconciliation and that she isn't sure what to do now. I think she believed that if she filed, that he would beg her forever, and she didn't have a plan in place for when he stopped trying to reconcile. I'm not sure what will happen now, maybe she will say she wants to stay married. At this point, if she says that, he may not be able to walk away. If he is truly done, time will tell.

[AnotherRound]

What's typical and predictible is when a poster "claims" to want to have all sorts of opinions bc they're not sure of this or that, then when veterans challenge them instead of putting forth some thought out dialogue the barbs and ultra defensiveness comes out. You may want to think why some of the responses cause you to have such a defensive trigger, usually that which triggers us is what holds some truth to it.

 

It's amazing that those that can see his character traits as "not good" are "bitter":laugh: Talk about deflecting. People would just like to see you not undo all the good you did do in untangling from him. Seems your mind is pretty set and you were just lookin for validation. This too happens all the time, so it's no surprise.

 

The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

 

I was very clear in what I was looking for on this board. Someone else who was in a similar situation. I wasn't looking for validation, just a place to read and gain insight. I can validate myself, I'm an internal validation focused person, not external. And I'm not defensive or deflecting. Nothing is "triggering" me. I'm just entertained in that so many people are convinced that they are "right" when there is no clear right in so many things life involves.

 

I am not undoing any good that I have done. I walked away, and I'm still "away". Talking to someone isn't marrying them. I'm not pulled back in, bc I'm still living my own life. I'm still dating, and plan on continuing that.

 

It's slightly frustrating when people assume so much from so little. A fair warning to be careful? Sure... but that was obviously something I already knew. It's always easy from the outside looking in, but it's usually warped, so I've found.

[eleanorrigby]

He did, a week ago. She refused to discuss it or acknowledge it. She literally just walks away when he tries to talk to her about things. He also tried to talk to her about the D issues and splitting the assets, and she said it was "too late tonight" to discuss it and said, "we'll talk about it later". That's how she operates. If she doesn't want to face something, she just doesn't talk about it, she avoids it like the plague.

 

So now, his concerns are, how long the D is going to take. He's frustrated bc he knows that she will just keep putting things off and he wants to get everything sorted so they can move on. She won't tell him if she wants the D, or doesn't want the D, always just says, "we'll talk about it later". It drives him crazy, as it would me.

 

I think that now that he's made up his mind (if he truly has and it isn't just frustration and bravado) he will have to push all of this through. He believes that is what she is trying to do anyway so that he will be the "bad guy" for giving up on the reconciliation.

 

Like I said, sometimes, people are just wrong for each other. I don't know if he and I are "right" for each other, but the two of them? Egad... I couldn't stand to be involved with someone who is so passive aggressive all the time or unwilling to communicate about anything of importance.

 

And her friends are saying the same thing. That he has ended the reconciliation and that she isn't sure what to do now. I think she believed that if she filed, that he would beg her forever, and she didn't have a plan in place for when he stopped trying to reconcile. I'm not sure what will happen now, maybe she will say she wants to stay married. At this point, if she says that, he may not be able to walk away. If he is truly done, time will tell.

 

 

I think that's a good idea for him to take the reins and move forward with the divorce. Especially now that he has told his wife and made it clear that he wants this to happen and that he won't entertain anymore reconciliation attempts.

 

Her cooperation would make things easier but he can still get this done without it. I think he needs to file himself to get this party started. From what I'm reading online the person that files tends to set the pace of the divorce. So he needs to get a move on and get cracking if he's serious.

[AnotherRound]

Granted you have some inside information from close sources but I bet if you and her could sit down and talk honestly you'd be surprised that a lot of things are not as you assume they are. Unless you have that talk with her, you still don't live inside of her head and assumptions are often times wrong. I found this out the hard way as the BS and I did talk. Many of the things xmm told me, were complete lies or exaggerations with a grain of truth in them. No, all mm don't do that, but I wouldn't be surprised that yours has, since the affair lasted 7 years and he is conflict avoidant and a serial cheater.

 

Something for you to chew on.

 

I disagree that he is conflict avoidant. I think he has been divorce avoidant, absolutely. You can't be conflict avoidant with someone who refuses to communicate with you bc they are conflict avoidant. You can't force someone to communicate about important issues. He has not bee conflict avoidant with me, and that's what I base my knowledge of him on. He and I have communicated extensively, about everything, conflictual and not. But without a willing partner, I'm not sure it classifies as conflict avoidant bc someone won't discuss with you.

 

And he may be a serial cheater, I'll give you that. We'll see how it turns out. Maybe he was just a guy in a bad marriage, like my exH. I wasn't a bad wife, I just wasn't the wife for my exH. It wasn't personal, it wasn't a reflection on me, we just didn't mesh. It happens. He had an A too, but he's not a bad person. He just didn't know how to handle the situation, so he did what he thought was best at the time. He hasn't made that mistake since, so, people DO learn.

[eleanorrigby]

I do think that it would be in everyones best interests if you made yourself scarce while he goes through his divorce.

 

If his wife gets wind that you may be sticking your oar in on how their divorce turns out, it's going to make things worse.

 

It would be better if you kept your discussion about his divorce to these boards and/or your friends and not him at all. Let him handle it completely on his own.

[AnotherRound]

I think that's a good idea for him to take the reins and move forward with the divorce. Especially now that he has told his wife and made it clear that he wants this to happen and that he won't entertain anymore reconciliation attempts.

 

Her cooperation would make things easier but he can still get this done without it. I think he needs to file himself to get this party started. From what I'm reading online the person that files tends to set the pace of the divorce. So he needs to get a move on and get cracking if he's serious.

 

I agree. This will tell how serious he is. He has been so afraid for so many years to walk away, I'm not sure yet if he is truly done, or if he is just frustrated. He says he is done, but we will see if his actions follow through. Right now, they are working on the paper work re splitting assets, child support, and visitation. He has filed his, she has not filed hers. She says that she hasn't had time. He wants to talk to her about it and settle it between them and then turn it in. She keeps saying, "not now, later".

 

I wish he was more proactive. He and I just discussed this the other day. I told him that he is always at the whim of whomever he is with. That he is always reacting, and that I wish he would act more bc it would show what he wants and needs. He agreed that he is fearful of making decisions. He said esp with the D bc he is afraid of how it will affect his child. It's like he doesn't want to make a bad decision and have that negatively affect his child. He had been feeling a lot of guilt up until now. I think he had convinced himself that he was entirely to blame for the breakdown of the M bc he had an A. Now, he is seeing it more clearly I think, that the breakdown was a combination of the two of them, and that the A was a symptom of that breakdown. He still feels guilty about the A, but he doesn't feel fully responsible for the breakdown of the relationship, esp since she continues to be unwilling to communicate (which was his biggest issue with her always).

 

I am just sitting on the sidelines. It's not my business, and I'm not getting involved. I just want them all to be happy. It was pretty frustrating all those years watching a family be miserable when in my mind, there was such an easy solution. But, I had been through D before, so it wasn't this scarey boogey man to me anymore. They hadn't, so I understood the fear, esp since they have a child together.

 

Like I said, I'm just living my own life, and they are doing their thing. I'm not contacting him, or following him around, or pushing him one way or the other. I just told him, you need to figure out what you WANT, and then make that happen. If it means reconciling, then make that happen. If it means D, then make that happen.

 

I may be here when it's all said and done, I may not. I haven't decided completely yet. I'm leaning towards yes, I would like to try it, bc I don't want to wonder my whole life about it. But then again, he may do something in this whole D situation that I say, nope, not going to work. I don't know yet.

 

Thanks for the responses.

[AnotherRound]

I do think that it would be in everyones best interests if you made yourself scarce while he goes through his divorce.

 

If his wife gets wind that you may be sticking your oar in on how their divorce turns out, it's going to make things worse.

 

It would be better if you kept your discussion about his divorce to these boards and/or your friends and not him at all. Let him handle it completely on his own.

 

Yeah, several people have said that. I'm thinking that may be the best thing. I'm truly not trying to sway him either way, bc it needs to be HIS decision and his alone. And thankfully, I'm far enough removed emotionally, that I'm able to know that and honor that. But I thought about that when he called the other day. I don't want to get dragged in to their drama, and I don't want to be a reason for him or for her re their D. Otherwise, it won't be their decision, but a sort of "forced" decision bc of me.

 

I have a hard time cutting people off from talking to me. I can draw boundaries and not see him physically, but I always feel awful if I don't listen to someone. I do have professional skills for listening, so, I feel guilty when I don't offer that to people I care about. And, that has been the biggest part of our relationship, so it's hard to tell him no regarding that. I did right after I ended it, and he respected that. And he obviously got through, he does have other people to talk to. So, maybe that would be the best thing. We have been apart for a year and a half now, so it wouldn't be like just cutting either of us off, it's how it has been for all that time, except a few light convos here and there.

 

I don't know if either of them has fully decided, and I don't want to be considered in their decisions. If they end the M, I want it to be bc they both realize that it doesn't work. If they continue it, I want it to be bc they both want to make it work and are willing to put in the time and effort, not bc they are afraid of the D. I honestly just want them to be happy, like I want all people in the world to be happy. I hate that so many people stay in relationships that are so miserable for them when there really is a better way to live life, painful as it may be in the beginning to end those relationships. The D I went through all those years ago was painful, and embarrassing, and humbling... but it was the BEST thing we ever did. We allowed one another to go on and find happiness, bc we loved each other and just realized, it was NEVER going to work.

[veryhappy]

You are evidently a counselor/therapist or a related proffesion, and you do have a fair grip of reality and where you are. There's little to discuss I believe until he'll be divorced.

[eleanorrigby]

I don't know if either of them has fully decided, and I don't want to be considered in their decisions. If they end the M, I want it to be bc they both realize that it doesn't work. If they continue it, I want it to be bc they both want to make it work and are willing to put in the time and effort, not bc they are afraid of the D. I honestly just want them to be happy, like I want all people in the world to be happy. I hate that so many people stay in relationships that are so miserable for them when there really is a better way to live life, painful as it may be in the beginning to end those relationships. The D I went through all those years ago was painful, and embarrassing, and humbling... but it was the BEST thing we ever did. We allowed one another to go on and find happiness, bc we loved each other and just realized, it was NEVER going to work.

 

It's too late for you to not be a consideration in their divorce. You became a part of their marriage that they need to deal with.

 

But for you, there is no purpose or benefit to hearing or participating in their divorce process. If I were in your situation, I'd ask him to take care of his business and call me when it's 100% over. This would avoid pain and trauma for you, because you never know what will happen. My marriage has been on the brink of destruction a few times, but we kept pulling back at the last minute.

[AnotherRound]

You are evidently a counselor/therapist or a related proffesion, and you do have a fair grip of reality and where you are. There's little to discuss I believe until he'll be divorced.

 

Along those lines professionally, yes. And thank you, I do think that I have a pretty realistic idea of where I am and where I've been. I agree, until they are D, there isn't much to discuss. We mostly talked about the D, which I thought was helpful to him, but am now thinking it is probably best if I am not involved in that at all. I don't want to influence him in any way, and I think I haven't, but who knows what his perception of that would be, or hers.

 

And I'm positive that the wife would not want him talking to me, obviously. Regardless that he and I have a friendship or not, she has absolute reason to not wanting us talking. To be fair, we weren't talking much through the reconciliation. Maybe 2 times? And briefly. But still, I don't want her to think that his decision is about me, and I don't want it to be about me. It needs to be about them, hence the reason I removed myself from the situation last year.

[eleanorrigby]

And I'm positive that the wife would not want him talking to me, obviously. Regardless that he and I have a friendship or not, she has absolute reason to not wanting us talking. To be fair, we weren't talking much through the reconciliation. Maybe 2 times? And briefly. But still, I don't want her to think that his decision is about me, and I don't want it to be about me. It needs to be about them, hence the reason I removed myself from the situation last year.

 

I can tell when my husband has been talking extensively with other people. I don't know how long their marriage has been, but if it's been long term, his wife might have that sixth sense as well.

 

If she senses your voice speaking through him, it won't help things at all.

[AnotherRound]

It's too late for you to not be a consideration in their divorce. You became a part of their marriage that they need to deal with.

 

But for you, there is no purpose or benefit to hearing or participating in their divorce process. If I were in your situation, I'd ask him to take care of his business and call me when it's 100% over. This would avoid pain and trauma for you, because you never know what will happen. My marriage has been on the brink of destruction a few times, but we kept pulling back at the last minute.

 

Agreed. I know with my D, we went back and forth many times, before we were both in agreement on the actual D. And then we tried to reconcile after the D for a couple of years, off and on. Until we realized fully, that love really doesn't conquer all.

 

And I agree on not knowing what will happen. I wouldn't be surprised if she changes her mind, or he does. I know how that goes, esp with all that they have to consider in the D. I think he turns to me bc I am a good listener, and I have good feedback, and I know him fairly well. He obviously values my observations. But he may have to do without them for this issue, as sucky as that is for him. I have been very neutral (mostly bc I AM neutral and not emotionally invested in that way anymore), and he has mentioned that, my ability to separate my own feelings and just be his sounding board. So, at least that.

 

But I'm thinking that you are right. That I need to take myself completely out of the equation so that they are making their decisions based on them. He did say that they haven't even discussed the A between he and I. She won't discuss it. Again, I don't know how she does it, it's hard for me to understand, bc it's so different from how I would handle it. But, I think she believes that they can reconcile without hashing through anything, and he is seeing that isn't going to work bc he is already frustrated again that she won't discuss the issues they had in the M.

 

Anyway, he and I are going to talk today, so before we do, I will try to get my bearings so that I can let him know he needs to handle this and then, if he is D, and is interested in pursuing something with me, I will consider it at that time, depending on what's going on in my life too. I do have another date this Thursday, with a new SG that I met recently. So, I'm not putting that on hold, and he is aware of this. It's just such an odd place to be after all of those years. Thanks again for all the thoughtful responses, I think you're probably absolutely correct.

[AnotherRound]

I can tell when my husband has been talking extensively with other people. I don't know how long their marriage has been, but if it's been long term, his wife might have that sixth sense as well.

 

If she senses your voice speaking through him, it won't help things at all.

 

They are LT, 20+ years together. I think he is getting the majority of his support from others, as he and I have only had the one very long convo recently. 4 hours on the phone, but that was the first long convo since I can't remember when, prior to me ending the A last year. He's getting feedback from many people close to him. And honestly, since I know that he has a good support system, he really doesn't "need" me as one, so, I will step out. I think that's the best advice I've gotten! I hadn't thought of it bc talking has always been part of what I do with those I care about, providing support. But, he's supported, so, it won't leave him high and dry without me doing so for him. Thank you!

[AnotherRound]

This is exactly what Molly does (my MM's wife) she refuses to discuss things she finds distasteful, to the point where she actually put her hands over her ears like a small child and shook her head back and forth saying Nanananana we aren't talking about this.

For real. This is an adult. *eyeroll*

 

 

It's very true that you can't force someone to communicate. I had said on a previous post that we have a lot in common. This is the type of woman that my MM is married to. He has tried to talk to her, he loves his family, he's never said he hasn't.. and he has no plans to leave. I'm his only affair, we're really happy together, but after me... well... who knows what his future holds, but I sincerely hope he doesn't stay with her forever, because she isn't good for him.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this nonsense it adds a weird dynamic.

 

It's so odd that you say that, bc exMM's W does the same exact thing! She will just act like nobody is talking to her, walk away, leave the house, and that "we'll talk about it later"... well, "later" never comes. I don't understand it, but that's bc I am SO not like that. If I have an issue, I talk about it, I don't avoid it bc that never does me any good. I'm not a bottle it up inside kind of person, that is so unhealthy.

 

ExMM and I have had conversations re this bc I have told him, if he had been married to anyone more like me, not passive aggressive or avoidant, his M would have been over LONG ago. It is a weird dynamic. And honestly, I don't know how I would handle it? If I didn't have children, I would just walk away, but he does have a child. I think that is what is most frustrating for him. That she won't even discuss these things that pertain to their child.

 

It may be a defense mechanism, but exMM says her entire family is this way. They just don't discuss things. Apparently, her father has some addiction issues, but NOBODY ever discusses it. My family? Lol, totally opposite. We put it all out on the table and discuss it we will! So, I'm not sure if it's just her personality or if it's a defense mechanism or if it's just avoidance... ???? Or maybe a combo of all of those. Or maybe, she just wants to maintain the status quo with no bumps? But that is so unrealistic.

 

And I'm not saying exMM is a perfect communicator, I'm sure that he has not been super sensitive and understanding when he's frustrated and attempting to get her to talk about how she feels or thinks. But I'm not sure too many people would have the patience for an adult who can't talk about anything deeper than the latest sitcom. Like I said, they are not very well matched, and he said he saw that pretty quickly. But, since they had gotten M, he tried to make it work. Then, she got pregnant, and he didn't want any more kids, and she had secretly stopped taking her birth control. And the baby was very sick for a long while, and exMM said after that, there was no way that he could leave. So, he did what he thought was the best thing. He even tried, at several times, to talk to her about having an "open" marriage while they lived together and co-parented their child. She wouldn't discuss it and just said, "you do what you want to do". He tried to get her to talk about their intimacy issues,and she then shut down, left the house, and it was never brought up again.

 

I know several of her friends, and they say the same thing about her. That she knew all these years what was going on and just refused to face it. One friend of hers is her neighbor and was there to witness the other OW show up, having a tantrum on the front step in front of their child. The neighbor said, even then, the wife was trying to avoid it all, but then realized that the neighbors were all out and had witnessed it. She said she talks about it very little other than to say, "I'm not sure what I want to do". So, I can imagine that exMM is feeling very frustrated since he's trying to communicate with someone who is so avoidant and maybe doesn't even know what she wants. I honestly think that had the other OW not shown up and made it known to the wife's immediate friends, that the wife would have gone on forever. She had a pretty cush life all things considered, and was getting her needs met elsewhere AND not having to face what was broken in her M. Imo, they both had the best of both worlds. Again, the reason I stepped away, bc I was tired of being the band aid for two people who clearly needed to communicate to fix it, or acknowledge it was broken and be done.

 

I'm going to read through your posts.. .thought I already had, but was mistaken. I'm interesting in reading your insights bc that was what I was hoping for... someone who had a similar experience with similar dynamics. And now I'm thinking this D could take YEARS at this pace, and I know I'm not willing to put my life on hold. So a lot of this is dependent on him and her and how they handle this, if I am really what he wants.

[AnotherRound]

The parts I bolded above

1. I think this is a big part of it for Alex and his wife. She likes what she's got, she hates to work.... HATES it and only has to for limited hours right now.

2. When he brought up to her that there was someone else she told him to stop talking about it and go buy her something pretty. She also went into their room, glared at him, put on her ipod and put her head under the pillow on another occasion.

3. Is she pretty materialistic? Because that might be another big factor in their dynamic.

 

If you hadn't shared names, I'd think we were seeing the same MM all those years!

 

Yes, she is, materialistic. They have this house that is just... ostentatious. I don't even know how else to describe it. It is SO out of place where it is. All the others are ranches and cute little built homes, and theirs? Looks like a mansion. They have Beverly Hills landscaping, again, just so out of place for where we are. She is VERY into appearances. Which is why I honestly believe that had the other OW not made such terrible scenes, it would be carrying on, but the other OW ruined the facade, and there was nowhere else to go for the wife at that point.

 

They have an in ground pool that belongs at a house 10x the size of theirs, with marble and statue lions. Rme. It's all just so... over the top. It's all hers, what she wants. She is into jewelry, and name brand clothes, and 50,000$ vehicles. Like I said, she and I are night and day different. And without TMI, I think that all those years ago she honestly married him bc she thought he was going to be famous. He almost was, and is fairly well known around here, but didn't quite hit the BIG time. I think she thought he would, and honestly, that may have been what drew her to him bc then they would have been millionaires.

 

She does the same kind of things. Locks herself in the bathroom and turns the radio on loud so she can't hear him. Or, brings the kid into the situation bc she knows he won't discuss it with her in front of their child. She literally uses the child as a shield to not have to discuss things with him. It's so odd to me. I told him for years that it was unhealthy and strange, and he still wanted to try to get something worked out. He now says, you were so right all those years. He has been having IC and said that his Psychiatrist has told him that she obvs has intimacy issues. So, someone else backed up what I tried to tell him all those years, but I think he already knew that I was correct.

 

Again, I'm not saying that I'm better than her, or that I communicate better... but I do interact differently than her. And the way she does it just isn't going to work for exMM. He and I are very similar in our communication needs, both very analytical and very honest about what we want and need. Her? Not so much. He has been with her for 20+ years and still has NO idea what she wants or likes or doesn't like bc he can't read her mind. Exhausting!

[beachbabe82]

Yikes. You have an answer for everything. You think you know what happens in their marriage, because he said so and because gossipy people told you? You know for a fact that he told her he was done trying to reconcile and she just walked away?

 

Just do what you planned to do - renter into an affair with him.

 

You knew him 3 while weeks and then allegedly found out he was married and you continued an affair for the last 7+ years (not including your emotional affair you are having right now)

 

Continue to take pot shots at his wife. Girl, you really know nothing of their marriage cause you ain't in it!

 

My Billy walked away in January and never looked back. He didn't expect me to wait or to be the OW. Your MM chose to let you be his mistres. that shows me he has little respect for you. Even after y'all ended he found a replacement OW. You claim he has a high profile In Your little town, so everyone must know you were his OW.

 

Insanity - doing the same things over and over yet expecting a different result.

[AnotherRound]

Yikes. You have an answer for everything. You think you know what happens in their marriage, because he said so and because gossipy people told you? You know for a fact that he told her he was done trying to reconcile and she just walked away?

 

Just do what you planned to do - renter into an affair with him.

 

You knew him 3 while weeks and then allegedly found out he was married and you continued an affair for the last 7+ years (not including your emotional affair you are having right now)

 

Continue to take pot shots at his wife. Girl, you really know nothing of their marriage cause you ain't in it!

 

My Billy walked away in January and never looked back. He didn't expect me to wait or to be the OW. Your MM chose to let you be his mistres. that shows me he has little respect for you. Even after y'all ended he found a replacement OW. You claim he has a high profile In Your little town, so everyone must know you were his OW.

 

Insanity - doing the same things over and over yet expecting a different result.

 

I don't claim to have an answer for everything, but yes, I do know what I know.

 

No, I wasn't with them when he told her he was done reconciling, you're absolutely right. But it's not that far fetched, all things considered. Could he be lying? Sure. As anyone in any relationship could be lying about everything.

 

I doubt that he has little respect for me. I'm not sure where you got that? Bc I was his AP for 7 years? The two don't go hand in hand as far as I know. I'm not taking any shots at his STBxW. I'm just observing and commenting. What pot shots? I said, she's a beautiful lady, seems to be a nice lady, just not a very effective communicator. How is that a pot shot? Just bc her behaviors are hard for me to understand, doesn't mean I hate her or that I think she's a horrible monster, I don't.

 

Your Billy? Um, were you an OW? Again, I wish I lived in a world where things were so black and white that it was so easy to determine what to do. Tell me more about you and your Billy, I'm sincerely interested in the situation. Was it similar to my situation? What do you mean your Billy walked away in January and never looked back?

[AnotherRound]

I am not in an A with him now, nor have I been since April of last year. I hardly consider one 4 hour long conversation in over a year and a half an Emotional Affair. Lol

[Silly_Girl]

This is exactly what Molly does (my MM's wife) she refuses to discuss things she finds distasteful, to the point where she actually put her hands over her ears like a small child and shook her head back and forth saying Nanananana we aren't talking about this.

For real. This is an adult. *eyeroll*

 

 

It's very true that you can't force someone to communicate. I had said on a previous post that we have a lot in common. This is the type of woman that my MM is married to.

 

My ex-MM's wife was the same. It confused, frustrated and even mildly amused me. But I didn't accept that bull**** as his excuse for not telling her what he needed to. If he had WANTED at that point, to say 'I'm leaving', and she refused, he had options like packing a bag and leaving a note! I never blamed her. He would try and book an appointment to talk and she'd refuse. Me? I'd be walking in, turning off the telly and talking. The other person would literally need to leave the house to avoid the subject if I was determined to discuss it!

 

I don't think it's the same scenario with you, LFH, because my guy had said 'I'll tell her, then leave' - different to you - but what you wrote reminded me of something that bugged the hell out of me for several weeks

[AnotherRound]

My ex-MM's wife was the same. It confused, frustrated and even mildly amused me. But I didn't accept that bull**** as his excuse for not telling her what he needed to. If he had WANTED at that point, to say 'I'm leaving', and she refused, he had options like packing a bag and leaving a note! I never blamed her. He would try and book an appointment to talk and she'd refuse. Me? I'd be walking in, turning off the telly and talking. The other person would literally need to leave the house to avoid the subject if I was determined to discuss it!

 

I don't think it's the same scenario with you, LFH, because my guy had said 'I'll tell her, then leave' - different to you - but what you wrote reminded me of something that bugged the hell out of me for several weeks

 

I'm the same SG. I would not take no for an answer, or I would walk. But, I've also never had children to consider. Or any of the other myriad of things exMM had to consider in his scenario. I believe exMM that he has told her the things he needed to tell her, and that has been verified by other sources also. I think she just wasn't ready to have to face it, so she ignored. And exMM's STBxW did often leave the house to avoid discussing things. Or, she would go get their child and bring him into it, so that exMM would NOT discuss it.

 

It's interesting to me that there are adults like this in the world, bc it's so different from how I approach issues in my life that it's hard to get my brain around it. I remember, a long time ago, telling exMM during one of our breaks, that if I was his wife, I would NOT hide from the truth, and that I would confront him and her. I don't hold a lot of anger for the APs in the world, not even for the OW of my exH, bc I didn't fault her nearly as much as I faulted my exH for the affair. But I would confront them and let them know that I know and that I WOULD be handling that with my H in the near future.

 

It takes all kinds to make the world go round I guess. Just so foreign to me that I have no idea how people live like that.