My insecurities are hurting my relationship?

[ddlovexx]

Hey there,

 

It's kinda been a rough year and a half for me. I had my heart broken more than once, was cheated on, toyed with and hurt and it's all kinda been a mess. I took a few months off from dating and to work on myself, get back to 'me'.

 

My boyfriend and I found each other on a whim and instantly had a connection. It's only been 3 months but he's the most wonderful guy I've ever been with and I can absolutely see myself spending the rest of my life with him. He treats me like a princess and his family loves me and we get along so well and never fight. We just click and I love him more than I've ever loved anyone ...but lately my insecurities have been taking a toll on things. I'm finding hard to let go of what happened in the past and it's like I expect that he's going to do the same things they did. Now deep down I know he's not going to but something's obviously wrong with my self-esteem lately.

 

I guess I just feel like he used to compliment me more or tell me the things I'd do were cute, and now that's less so. I guess we're getting a little more comfy in the relationship now. We also have less time to spend together now as I have two jobs and school. I find myself asking him if he really loves me, if he finds me beautiful, etc. His reponse is always along the lines of "Of course I do/Always/You're my one and only" and then I feel stupid. It's starting to be too much right now. The little things he does are starting to get to me and it's not really healthy.

 

The other day I started distancing myself from him because in every other relationship the guy had backed off or walked away and I'm terrified that's going to happen. He realized that I was acting weird and asked what was wrong and I basically told him I haven't been feeling myself and that I'm scared of things changging, and I've been feeling insecure. Now I told him this in confidence and it was really hard but I think you need to work through these things in a relationship. At first he assured me that he loves me and will always want me, but then he got kind of annoyed and said "You know, you're making me feel terrible. You know how I feel about you, why are you being so insecure lately? Stop second-guessing me because of your past relationships. It's like you don't trust me." I felt horrible and apologized but I didn't know what else to say. He's right but it's hard and I just need to find a way to be me again.

 

When we first started dating I was confident and felt on top of the world with him, and I still do. I still feel confident deep down but it's not showing I guess, I need to be me again so we can both be right in the relationship. I'm generally really confident and I don't know why I've been so weird lately and I feel dumb about it. Any ideas on how to stop being so insecure and stop letting the little things get to me so much? He's never done anything for me not to trust him.

Thanks!

Edited September 8, 2012 by ddlovexx

[ja123]

The first thing that comes to mind, really, is that if you notice that you are feeling insecure around him then act as though you are not.

 

With practice, and the time given for him to prove that his intentions are true, you will see that you'll become genuinely confident in yourself and the relationship.

 

It's good that you are recognizing how you feel. And using a forum, such as this, to express those feelings is a good thing.

 

It's a normal instinct to want to protect yourself after what you've been through, but I think that you are aware that, if taken to the extreme, this could sabotage your current relationship.

 

Try doing some activities together, so that perhaps you'll feel the focus is less on you, and you can focus outside yourself and just enjoy the moment.

[daphne]

Dd-

 

I don't know exactly what steps you can take to relieve yourself of the insecurities. I would urge you to work on it, however. Perhaps you could talk to someone to get some tools to change the negative thoughts.

 

I do know, that it can be stressful for the other person. My current bf can get insecure at times, and turn what would otherwise be an almost perfect relationship into an up and down one. He has no reason to worry about me running off with someone else, but given his history he worries anyway and it's anything but fun on the side of the innocent new bystander. Negativity in a new relationship can be an attraction killer.

 

Your current bf is not your ex bf or any of them. He doesn't deserve to do the time for someone else's crime.

[Jennifer82]

I am in the same boat in a sense. My marriage from years ago still haunts me. I'm 30 and have been divorced for seven and a half years. The things my ex husband did to me still haunt me. It has taken a toll on my relationship with my boyfriend of a year and a half. I have gotten to the point that I don't open up and talk to him anymore about anything bothering me. My emotional cup has overflowed and I burst when it does. I am not sure how to handle this. He has two children and I have one. They are all in sports and we are being pulled in a thousand different directions it seems. We rarely talk anymore. I was being a little pushy in a way about the relationship. He mentioned marriage and was looking at rings. He started spending money on other things and I asked about the ring. He told me bills have to come before that. We are supposed to get married in February. I don't know now if that is going to happen. I have a weird feeling about this relationship. Also, my ex husband has been causing problems for me concerning my child. I need help getting her to and from daycare, ball practice, and games sometimes because my job as a hospital nurse is demanding and 12 hour shifts don't work themselves. The ex tells me my boyfriend has no right to pick up my daughter because we aren't married yet. I'm a complete mess. My feelings are all out of whack. What to do, what to do.

[KungFuJoe]

These are tough situations. Unfortunately no one here can really tell you what to do.

 

It's normal for you to feel vulnerable after what happened. The trick is knowing what is reality and what is your mind playing tricks on you.

 

If you have access to therapy, it could help. Sometimes just talking to a real person does wonders.

[weallfalldown]

Hi....word of advice.

 

don't drag your problems from the past into your other relationships, my ex was an over emotional mess......and ruined things for us both. she'll do it again, and people do.....but remember this guy's different....

 

My ex thought she knew best by acting the way she did with the one before me....and low and behold caused a huge in balance....where as we would have been cool.......you've been warned!,

[KraftDinner]

Some thoughts but not really advice:

 

- it's not that you are bringing your past into your present relationship -- your past changed who you are. So don't let anyone make you feel guilty/damaged/unhealthy or wrong for feeling the way you do. You have a RIGHT to your feelings. I think all to often, people just want to say ' you shouldn't let xyz affect abc' but it DOES and all it does, when people say stuff like that, is minimize your feelings. Your feelings MATTER. Just as much as his. He should have the right to feel annoyed but you can't have the right to feel what you do? False!

 

- I honestly think only 2 things will help you decrease your insecurities. And I'm sorry but one of those things is reassurance. You've been asking for that - this is a need of yours. His need to feel like you trust him does not supercede that - those needs BOTH matter. Maybe he doesn't understand how important that is to you. And if it's important to you, he will decide if it's important to him. You aren't, however, going to feel better by just pretending everything's okay. So you're supposed to swallow your insecurities and on top of that feel guilty for having feelings? Again, FALSE!

 

Oh, and the second thing you need is time. But I personally think time won't do as much without reassurance.

 

OP, don't let anyone make you think you aren't entitled to your feelings, or to communicating them.

[Ninjainpajamas]

This is pretty much the consequence you face when you get into a new relationship without first facing the issues of your past...you'll always carry this emotion and now that you're in a new relationship you're faced with having to look backwards just to get over the past instead of moving forward completely and uninhibited with a new person.

 

And that's just the way it works, the way it always has and will work. You'd be an amazing person If you could press a button mentally and just go on with your new relationship as If you never ever had hang-ups from the past relationship when they were extremely detrimental to you as a person.

 

Another thing is you always will find someone by "chance" If that's what your history determines...or a lot of times it seems you find the right person at the wrong time...the timing feels off. But I feel like every person in your life is probably there to teach a lesson, maybe not them specifically but there's a reason you ended up with that type of person...maybe it's to remind you that going into a relationship after 3 months when the last one was nothing but heartbreak because you won't experience, appreciate or become engrossed in your emotions. It actually takes away from anything new when you are still investing emotionally into the old.

 

Now you're going to be stuck in the mind-set of "this is the most amazingly wonderful guy"...but pay attention to the patterns of women that feel this way when they move on early to another relationship....Ex was an @ss that broke their hearts...now new BF is complete opposite and does everything right which makes him "amazing" coincidentally....hmmmmmmmm! I wonder If there are emotions being sparked because of the overwhelmingly different experience which is exacerbating the things you are experiencing in your current relationship. I'm pretty certain If you took a guy out of the Arctic cold and through him into a average tent that was 100 degree, he'd think it was the best experience in his life too.

 

I don't want to battle women with their emotions because I know I'd never win that battle...but consider this....how aware are you of your own feelings and the actions and emotions of another If you're too stuck and blinded by your emotional hangups...where do you think your comprehension and reality really is?

 

Your current BF may treat you completely different from your ex...and that may be the relationship, but do you love this new man because you are in love with him or because he makes you feel secure and battles your insecurities with you?

 

The reason I bring this up is because I've seen this A LOT, I've seen so many women jump from relationship to relationship, but get profoundly burned and then end up falling for someone else that coincidentally is the exact opposite...they think everything is great and wonderful and the person is amazing then suddenly down the line when they realize that their issues are too weighted, do they realize that they don't really have those deep seated emotions they thought they had for this man...they were essentially deeply emotionally rebounding and it took them sometimes years to figure this out...all the while being treated like royalty and being waited on hand and foot by a guy who was giving it up from day one...seen it so many many many many many times.

 

You've got to really be in a place where you can really experience a new relationship unhindered and uninhibited. Completely emotionally available and motivated, over those huge past hang-ups that still control your actions and thinking today or you may end up playing one of the most common tricks that I see women play on themselves, because they just can't see what is really in front of them, they just start building a fantasy with the new relationship and manipulate themselves into believing its all their fault and If they could only get over their issues they could move onto this blissful relationship with the new person. How do you expect to know and realize that when you're numbed in your current experience? What do you think it is you're really experiencing?

 

When you have issues this big in a relationship, the relationship becomes about you...not romance, not love, not balance, or understanding because there are certain parts of you closed off whether you realize it or not, you're fully engaged and experiencing...it becomes about one person being a sinking ship while the other person tries to save them...and that because your reality. And those relationships....well the vast majority of them, never end well...and the ones that do end up together, at least for the time being will always live with some sort of a disconnecting feeling.

 

Your current boyfriend is not your therapist, you have to do what many people avoid If you really want to give this a chance...that is take a break, work on your issues, live in that big scary world of being alone and work on yourself...that means no contact. Or you'll extremely sabotage and devalue everything you had and experienced with your new BF, because really, you're not even fully present.

 

Sorry It's not the answer you want to hear...it never is easy, you can't do two things at once like this...I've learned the hard way myself by being the broken

[weallfalldown]

If that aint an honest answer...i'll eat my shoe!......

[ddlovexx]

Ninja, totally understand what you're saying and where you're coming from... but I did take almost a year off just to work on myself. That's the whole issue with this for me, I know deep down he probably isn't going to hurt me like them, and if he does, I'll live... but from time to time I can't help but remember how I was hurt and how it could happen again. I think everyone kinda goes through that. I'm a lot more confident than I used to be though...

 

He always says he's going to get through this with me but sometimes I feel like a bother so I just hold it in. I think it's just going to take time. I'm not always insecure, it just pops up from time to time. I guess I just need to find a way to deal with myself and time will fix things.

[todreaminblue]

Hey there,

 

It's kinda been a rough year and a half for me. I had my heart broken more than once, was cheated on, toyed with and hurt and it's all kinda been a mess. I took a few months off from dating and to work on myself, get back to 'me'.

 

My boyfriend and I found each other on a whim and instantly had a connection. It's only been 3 months but he's the most wonderful guy I've ever been with and I can absolutely see myself spending the rest of my life with him. He treats me like a princess and his family loves me and we get along so well and never fight. We just click and I love him more than I've ever loved anyone ...but lately my insecurities have been taking a toll on things. I'm finding hard to let go of what happened in the past and it's like I expect that he's going to do the same things they did. Now deep down I know he's not going to but something's obviously wrong with my self-esteem lately.

 

I guess I just feel like he used to compliment me more or tell me the things I'd do were cute, and now that's less so. I guess we're getting a little more comfy in the relationship now. We also have less time to spend together now as I have two jobs and school. I find myself asking him if he really loves me, if he finds me beautiful, etc. His reponse is always along the lines of "Of course I do/Always/You're my one and only" and then I feel stupid. It's starting to be too much right now. The little things he does are starting to get to me and it's not really healthy.

 

The other day I started distancing myself from him because in every other relationship the guy had backed off or walked away and I'm terrified that's going to happen. He realized that I was acting weird and asked what was wrong and I basically told him I haven't been feeling myself and that I'm scared of things changging, and I've been feeling insecure. Now I told him this in confidence and it was really hard but I think you need to work through these things in a relationship. At first he assured me that he loves me and will always want me, but then he got kind of annoyed and said "You know, you're making me feel terrible. You know how I feel about you, why are you being so insecure lately? Stop second-guessing me because of your past relationships. It's like you don't trust me." I felt horrible and apologized but I didn't know what else to say. He's right but it's hard and I just need to find a way to be me again.

 

When we first started dating I was confident and felt on top of the world with him, and I still do. I still feel confident deep down but it's not showing I guess, I need to be me again so we can both be right in the relationship. I'm generally really confident and I don't know why I've been so weird lately and I feel dumb about it. Any ideas on how to stop being so insecure and stop letting the little things get to me so much? He's never done anything for me not to trust him.

Thanks!

 

 

Just be honest and accept he might get annoyed, love has annoyance in it, frustration, laughter tears fears bad times good times and last of all insecurities which causes uncertainty for both.everybody is unique and the hardest thing to do is understand something that is unique this being feelings thoughts and perspective and a unique relationship when these two separate entities(imperfect people) mesh together no relationship is the same.I have insecurities huge ones......similar problems to yrouself.....i wouldnt base a relationship on these insecurities i would base it on the fact i would be honest about them

and realise that if i didnt express them it would cause further problems....in an intimate relationship i am open.more so than with family and close friends that person becomes soemone i can be free with.getting into that relationship is harder for me.Because i have to be open and honest and i am shy......I am insecure at the start i know there is a honeymoon period and that this will settle into what you have now....

 

 

once someone breaks into my comfort zone i am completely trusting(you have to trust your partner what he tells you is true) my last relationship(which was actually detrimental to me abusive and damaging) i nurtured for fifteen plus years imagine what i could do with a good relationship that is how i feel if someone loves me and is in love with me they have me for as long as they are around vice versa....the comfort zone where you are not having to tell each other every day that you love the other person to reassure them is the best part.....why you may ask....you tell them because you want to .....dont be insecure.....but if you are let him know but realise because he does love you it will be annoying.accept his feelings..lol....as women we are allowed to be and they love us anyway....says me.....who nurtured a relationship i should have let go......incurable i am......incurable hoper........and i have it back now....so i am in trouble....nothing new.....smilin....good luck in love and life.....deb

Edited September 11, 2012 by todreaminblue