enchanted24 Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 I've been dating a guy and we have gone on about six dates. We have know each other for a little less than two months and I feel like he is pressuring me into sex. He has been trying to put his arm around me and caress me, but I keep pulling away and I've told him that I just want to take things slow. I hardly feel like we really know one another, but he says he feels like he knows me pretty well. We are not in a relationship yet, and last night he basically said he doesn’t view what we have as a relationship because we are not having sex. He pretty much implied that unless I have sex with him, he can't see me as his girlfriend. I really feel like that is an ultimatum. I told him that I kind of see his point, but at the same time I feel like that is bull. I don't see what the big rush is? I want there to be a romance between us first and that way things can just happen naturally. I told him I would meet him half way if he meets me half way. I told him that I would make an effort to be more willing to be intimate with him if he doesn't pressure me into doing things before I am ready. He then told me that he doesn’t want “to pressure me” and I feel like that is an inaccurate statement – I already feel pressured! I feel pressure to make more moves on him otherwise he will write me off and not take me seriously as a potential girlfriend. I feel like I'm not moving fast enough for him and he is being impatient and kind of selfish. What is the rush? Why can't we just get to know each other and have fun and let those things happen on their own? The conversation we had last night has irritated me all day today. What should I do? What do you think of his behavior? I agreed to make more of an effort but he lost major brownie points with me yesterday. I thought he was such a nice guy, now, I'm not so sure. Please help...what would you do if you were me?
Hawaii50 Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 6 dates is pretty sufficient, in my humble opinion, to know whether you want to take it to the next level or not. This guy isn't on some special journey for romance. He's met a girl, fell in like, and now want's to test the waters.
MrCastle Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 He probably is a nice guy. But even nice guys have their limits. I don't think either of you are wrong, he wants to have sex, which is human and natural, and you want to wait. That's your personal preference. If you feel no one is going to give in on their stance, perhaps it's better you let him move on and you find someone more your pace. You're both entitled to that. He is right however on the girlfriend concept. Relationships without sex are called friendships. 2
Hawaii50 Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Maybe you can meet in the middle and provide a little hand release?
january2011 Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 I wouldn't have any "at each other's home" dates if you're not going to have sex with him yet. Definitely no overnighters. After six dates and two months of getting to know each other, I (personally) see putting an arm around me and caressing me (though may depend where) as about right. However, I respect that everyone has their own pace. What do you need for it to feel comfortable to escalate this relationship to a more intimate level? And just to clarify your situation a bit more: are you a virgin?are you religious?what is your cultural upbringing?how much relationship experience do you have? 1
Author enchanted24 Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 I wouldn't have any "at each other's home" dates if you're not going to have sex with him yet. Definitely no overnighters. After six dates and two months of getting to know each other, I (personally) see putting an arm around me and caressing me (though may depend where) as about right. However, I respect that everyone has their own pace. What do you need for it to feel comfortable to escalate this relationship to a more intimate level? And just to clarify your situation a bit more: are you a virgin?are you religious?what is your cultural upbringing?how much relationship experience do you have? Hi, It's mainly that I don't feel like I know him enough. We've had six dates, spread out over a time period of approximately two months. When we are not actually on a date, we very seldom text one another or talk or anything. Basically the only time we talk and get to know each other is on the date. I don't mind so much cuddling and what not, it's just the fact that I feel like he gave me an ultimatum. "If you don't have sex with me, you can never be with me." I always have believed in having a relationship first, actually getting to know each other, developing feelings, then having sex. The only thing wrong here is that I'm not moving fast enough for him.
Author enchanted24 Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 Oh yeah, I forgot to mention: H started asking for sex right after the third date we had.
TaurusTerp Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Oh yeah, I forgot to mention: H started asking for sex right after the third date we had. What a MONSTER. Ive never heard of guys wanting sex, especially at the third date!
Author enchanted24 Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 What a MONSTER. Ive never heard of guys wanting sex, especially at the third date! (laughing out loud)
MrCastle Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 I always have believed in having a relationship first, actually getting to know each other, developing feelings, then having sex. The only thing wrong here is that I'm not moving fast enough for him. Understand your stance is not for everyone though. Your system will scare off some good guys too. Guys that have been burned with the waiting game. Guys who emotionally invested in a woman and held out for her, only for things to go sour and ended up wasting their time. Most men are not interested in waiting and building. And that's okay. They're not evil, diabolical horny pigs because of that. How would you feel if a guy said I'll give you emotional stimulation, a feeling of security and stability etc etc (whatever girls place an importance on) but later. I don't feel like I know you enough to do that right now. You would probably move on, because you wouldn't want to wait for that. And you're entitled to that.
Author enchanted24 Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 Understand your stance is not for everyone though. Your system will scare off some good guys too. Guys that have been burned with the waiting game. Guys who emotionally invested in a woman and held out for her, only for things to go sour and ended up wasting their time. Most men are not interested in waiting and building. And that's okay. They're not evil, diabolical horny pigs because of that. How would you feel if a guy said I'll give you emotional stimulation, a feeling of security and stability etc etc (whatever girls place an importance on) but later. I don't feel like I know you enough to do that right now. You would probably move on, because you wouldn't want to wait for that. And you're entitled to that. If a guy asked me to wait for sex I would prefer that, because I want to wait too. In my situation I want to wait a little while, have more dates get to know him better and make sure there really is something there for us to build on. What is the point in having sex with him if there is nothing really there for us to build on? If there really isn't anything for us, we won't be together for very long anyway.
MrCastle Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 If a guy asked me to wait for sex I would prefer that, because I want to wait too. I didn't say if a guy asked you to wait for sex. Obviously sex is not high on your list of demands. I said if a guy asked you to wait for (put whatever is important to you in here). Would you wait? I think odds are you wouldn't. You would probably feel like he was playing games and had a reason why he was making you wait for what you wanted. You would more than likely move on to someone who was going to provide you with what you were looking for. The focus of this thread is "do I have a right to be irritated with him", my answer is, no. He wants something you are not giving him. He is not wrong for wanting to be more intimate. You're not wrong for wanting to wait. 1
Author enchanted24 Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 I didn't say if a guy asked you to wait for sex. Obviously sex is not high on your list of demands. I said if a guy asked you to wait for (put whatever is important to you in here). Would you wait? I think odds are you wouldn't. You would probably feel like he was playing games and had a reason why he was making you wait for what you wanted. You would more than likely move on to someone who was going to provide you with what you were looking for. The focus of this thread is "do I have a right to be irritated with him", my answer is, no. He wants something you are not giving him. He is not wrong for wanting to be more intimate. You're not wrong for wanting to wait. Yes but my reasoning for asking him to wait is not arbitrary, therefore I am not playing games with him. I think my reasoning for wanting to wait is a valid and good one - I want to make sure we have something together and can work in the long term. I do see your point though, and thank you for your input.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Sounds like youre not even attracted to him in the least. Tell him you need romance to get turned on. Asking for sex is a massive turn off. If he doesnt know how to do that, you might never be attracted to him. I second the poster that said if you dont hear from him until the actual date, then he doesnt sound too interested in you either. 1
SmileFace Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 What is the difference between cuddling and putting his arm around you? However different standards... Why are you guys dating again? 1
the ill-made knight Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Honestly, it doesn't sound like you and this guy are on the same page at all. I see this as an incompatibility and I'd stop seeing him. He's not suited for you and neither are you suited for him. 1
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 I've been dating a guy and we have gone on about six dates. We have know each other for a little less than two months and I feel like he is pressuring me into sex. He has been trying to put his arm around me and caress me, but I keep pulling away and I've told him that I just want to take things slow. I hardly feel like we really know one another, but he says he feels like he knows me pretty well. Other then the fact that this sounds a tiny little bit familiar haha,...it doesn't really matter at this point if he feels he knows you pretty well. If you don't feel that yet, then he needs to give you the time to cultivate that. That is what dating is all about anyway. It's not about how fast you can get to sex. It's about getting to know each other. Next time he says something to you about knowing you pretty well, tell him, "Thank you, I appreciate that, but I am not quite there yet. I'd like to spend more time getting to know you before I feel comfortable taking it to the next level. Sex is something that is pretty intimate to me and I might need a little more time to get there than you."...something like that. We are not in a relationship yet, and last night he basically said he doesn’t view what we have as a relationship because we are not having sex. He pretty much implied that unless I have sex with him, he can't see me as his girlfriend. I really feel like that is an ultimatum. I would be totally turned off by this too! You should tell him you don't have sex with men you aren't in relationships with. That that's fine that he can't see you as a girlfriend without sex but you can't see him as a man worth having sex with unless he is willing to commitment more of himself then what he is already giving, to you. I really don't understand why so many men think that sex should come first before a relationship. It seems to me that a lot of men that expect sex to come first and easy, while they might be really interested in a woman, they aren't really considering her needs totally either. Especially in your case where you made it clear you weren't ready yet. Sorry guys, but you don't "deserve" sex just because you went out on a date with a woman 3 or 6 times. It happens when both people feel comfortable. There is no logical time table or equation where you should have sex. I really hate the whole 3 date and sex should be on the table idea personally. It's contrived, unnatural and really puts pressure on people to prescribe to something they might not feel comfortable with yet. The conversation we had last night has irritated me all day today. What should I do? What do you think of his behavior? I agreed to make more of an effort but he lost major brownie points with me yesterday. I thought he was such a nice guy, now, I'm not so sure. Please help...what would you do if you were me? Totally don't like his behavior either Enchanted. While I can understand a man wanting to have sex with you but giving you ultimatiums about how he can't be a boyfriend until he has sex is bullcrap. Why does he expect you to have sex with someone that can't be your boyfriend anyway? That doesn't seem very fair. Also, a guy that's right for you might want to have sex with you but if you aren't ready yet then he would be understanding and be patient. Most guys that care about someone don't simply want her to have sex because *he* feels comfortable. They want her to feel comfortable too. The fact that this guy is so out of tune with what you are communicating tells me he isn't thinking much about your needs at all.
Later82012 Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Sounds like youre not even attracted to him in the least. Exactly what I thought. 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 I am with the others who don't understand why you are dating each other. You are not wrong to want to take it at your own pace, and he is not wrong for wanting to have sex. What's wrong is that you are not alike in that important way. You will NOT be okay "giving in" to what you perceive as an ultimatum, and he won't be okay with feeling strung along. That said - he doesn't sound very keen about the "relationship."
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 I have been in your situation before. I have told a guy explicitly that I need to wait to get to know him better until I am ready to have sex. Then on the next date he completely pounced on me and tried to take my panties off. And so on and so on. Every date became almost a wrestling match of me rejecting his heavy sexual advances. He was saying "I am just so attracted to you, I can't help it" ...he definitely seemed more into the sexual part than getting to know ME. So yeah, I bailed as it didn't feel right. He didn't really respect my boundaries. He would SAY he is willing to wait but then his actions showed otherwise.
KraftDinner Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 If you've seen him 6 times in 2 months, you aren't his girlfriend. I agree - you're his backup for when he's bored.
SJC2008 Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 OP I wish I could meet a woman like you. I'd like to get to know a woman to see if someting is there and would prefer for sex to happen in a 2-3 month window. Any longer than 4 months and I'd be having the same conversaton with you but were talkin 6 dates here. It's crazy how in these times anything after dates 3-5 is waiting, LOL I say. Look at the countless threads of women who have dates in this time frame and the man is gone with the wind. People jump into sex so fast and look at the relationship/marriage failure rate. they have sex and get emtionally attached to people they thought they were compatible with but ultimately arent. I do disagree with you not wanting him putting his arm around you. At this point and time that should be more than welcome from you, along with make out sessions. All in all, you communicated your boundaries and he can either respect them or take a hike.
Yookie Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Hi, It's mainly that I don't feel like I know him enough. We've had six dates, spread out over a time period of approximately two months. When we are not actually on a date, we very seldom text one another or talk or anything. Basically the only time we talk and get to know each other is on the date. I don't mind so much cuddling and what not, it's just the fact that I feel like he gave me an ultimatum. "If you don't have sex with me, you can never be with me." I always have believed in having a relationship first, actually getting to know each other, developing feelings, then having sex. The only thing wrong here is that I'm not moving fast enough for him. He's not interested in getting to know you better or having you know him better if he's not even talking to you in between dates. Sounds like sex is the only thing he wants from you so it doesn't really matter to him how well he knows you. He knows what your body looks like and that's good enough! You two are not on the same page. I'd drop him like a bad habit.
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