ccom Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Hello All, I'm hurting real bad now, and feel like I missed a great opportunity by maybe a months time or so. I apologize for the length but am just trying to get it off my chest. She is 29, I am 33. We dated for 4 years. I left a previous relationship that ended after about 8yrs. That simply ended because I didn't know how to communicate anything emotional at all. The same thing has happened in this 4 year relationship. The difference this time is that starting around the end of March of this year I started opening my eyes about how terrible of a communicator I was. Similar to how and addict needs to want to help themselves before they will accept it from anyone. In the past she would bring up issues via an email or two, or a "we need to talk" talk a few times. It always went in one ear and out the other, because I thought I was doing a good job at the relationship. I really had no idea that I didn't communicate at all. Even simple things like "I love", or "you look great" were always difficult to get out. If something was said to me, I could usually say something back, but even that was tough. May rolls around and I'm really starting to think about things differently. Friends all have kids and I see how much joy it brings to them, I see my girl worrying about her age, job, marriage, etc, and it is starting to take a toll on my heart. I basically realized that I wanted to marry her and make her happy, instead of just assuming we would always get married someday. So after this realization, I got busy reading all I could about relationships and communication. And I basically uncovered why I could never say anything emotional at all. It was just bottled up stuff that happened when I was little and I became very shy with at some point. This shyness stuck around and for whatever reason prevents me from spewing out anything I'm thinking. An example would be back at the end of March when we were at a friends house and chatting about the future. My friends joke that I won't ever get married because of my first relationship, and I use sarcasm/jokes to go along with it. I see her tearing up as we talk/joke around about this stuff and I literally think that I should go over and hug her, tell her I love her, kiss her and wipe the tears always, while telling her I do really want to get married to her one day. My lips were even moving a little bit as I'm mumbling this stuff in my head, but of course I do nothing. She grabs some tissues and we move on to a new subject. This was the first time this tore me up inside and I knew I was a horrible communicator. The same exact thing happened in June. And I realized it quicker, but still did nothing. That next day I was when I started reading everything I could non-stop. By middle of July I realized where my issues came from and I was ready to let her know about it. I had planned on surprising her with a quick weekend getaway where I was basically going to tell what I had been working on and that I was planning on marrying her. I had a giant glass diamond paperweight all wrapped up in cute snowman paper, that was going to give her as a symbol of my love and commitment to her. Basically I was going to say that I know things have been tough, with her worrying about her job, school, body, age, living arrangement, kids, our relationship, etc, but I was here for her and that I had a plan for us that all started with me figuring out how to communicate better. I also wanted to give her one of the books I read that really helped me understand a lot of this stuff better, along with a cute snowman figure that we would use as our communication device. Since we get a little worked up when we talk, nothing ever gets accomplished, so I was going to say we should use the snowman, and whoever is holding it gets to talk. Then we pass it around and learn how to communicate in an effective manner. I even had a timeline laid out for the next few years, because she knew I never took anything serious or thought about that stuff. Basically we spend a few months actually working on communication, early next year if all is going well, we get engaged, get married in Fall before she starts school, she gets done with school in two years, works for 3-5 months, we have baby. Various things popped up every weekend for a while and I never got to take her away. I had planned to do it on August 17th, by calling her at work and asking what she need packed for the weekend, but earlier in that week she reminded me that she was going to a musical that Friday night with her friend. We had just gone to the musical a few weeks before so I was pretty bent out of shape and mad that I couldn't get away again. The Thursday before we got into a small argument and she asked if everything was ok. I just responded "yes", and she went off and flipped saying she was moving out and couldn't take it anymore. I said nothing, and as she went upstairs she said "This is exactly what you wanted, you don't even care". I just planned on letting her cool off and figured we would talk later. Friday, day of the musical we didn't talk, and she didn't come home that night. The next day she called and said she was grabbing a few things and staying with a friend. I agreed as she has wanted to try this before. I came home late that night and almost everything was gone. I was shell shocked and didn't talk to her until following Wednesday via txt. Then that Friday (Aug 24th) night I called her and we talked for about 2 hours. She was getting very angry and short the whole time. She was getting sleepy, and said she would call the next day, but never did. Sunday morning I txt and ask if we can go on a bike ride and talk. Long delay before I get txt back, and she says she can't. I call later that night and she doesn't answer, and doesn't return call. Monday the 27th I send flowers to work, with a note attached telling her to meet me at a park we usually go to and that I would like to talk about some important things that are going on and that I have a surprise her. She sends a txt later saying "Thanks for the flowers. I don't think it's a good idea to see each other right now. Sorry." I respond telling her that I have been working on some things recently and that it's very important. She says I'm scarring her and that she is afraid I will act irrational. I'm just floored by this statement, and tell her to call me. She balks at a call at first but we talk for a few mins, and I briefly tell her I had a surprise getaway planned for us and that i was really working on improving my communications. She doesn't seem real receptive but says she will call me that night. I get no call, and head out to meet a buddy for some food. We head back to his place and wake his wife up around midnight by being a little too loud. She informs me that my girlfriend has changed her status to single on Facebook, and that they chatted for a few minutes early in the night and that she said she was done with the relationship because she never saw me changing. I was absolutely floored to find out this way. I make no contact all week and am just trying to stay busy. Late Saturday the 1st, I get a Google chat message from her. We chat for a few and she asked if I want her van (I have her van, she has mine currently). I say that is the least of my worries, and she asked how I'm doing. I tell her my heart is pounding, she tells me her heart is broke. I tell her we should work on this, and she says "I don't know". I go over some of the things I have been working and we chat for a while longer. It went decent and ended with her saying, "Well, we will talk more, but i have to go to sleep. Goodnight." I leave her alone for a day, and then invite her out to the air show saying it would be a good chance for me to go over some of the issues I had been working on. She ignores txt for a long time and responds with "Sorry, I already plans". I send her a few emails/txt just letting her know I'm still thinking about her, and let her cool off for a few days. Late on the 5th I see her online and message her asking when we can sit down and chat. 10:16 PM me: Hey my favorite exlover... Any chance we can get together and talk or Google chat? 10:18 PM Her: Sure. What's up? 10:21 PM me: I have a lot of things that are weighing heavy on my heart and would like to sit down and chat. 10:22 PM Her: Do you think it would make you feel better even if I don't react how you want me to? 10:25 PM me: I love you and I am hoping for the best, but have no expectations. 10:28 PM Her: I'm going to bed now, maybe tomorrow? 10:32 PM me: Do you want to meet somewhere after work for a few? Next morning I get: 9:34 AM Her: Sorry I fell asleep last night. I can't do anything today though. Hopefully soon. I felt like she was being receptive, so early yesterday morning I send her an email telling her a little more about the work I had done the previous months and I was planning on surprising her with it. I ask her to pack her bags and I'll pick her up after work and we can head out of town to have a nice refreshing weekend away from all the stress here and talk about things. I get no response to the email and send her a collage of all these great pictures of us over the last few years. She txt back, "I appreciate that you are trying to show me how you felt. I need you to understand thought that this is not making anything better. I need space. Please try to understand how I feel." I txt back saying that I want her to understand that I have actually done some serious work on myself and I want to show her that I made great strides in getting to the bottom of my communication issues, and that this isn't a one week deal for me where I force myself to communicate for a while, and resort back to closing up. I get no response and have have made no contact since. I'm very confused, and feel like we both totally flip flopped in the last few months. I really feel like if I would have just sat down before she moved out we would be well on our way to fishing our communication issues. I also don't know what to do now with our vehicle situation, or all of the stuff that she left her in the house? I'm guessing she found somebody else recently that is giving her some emotional support and she is just ignoring our relationship so she doesn't have to deal with the pain. So I realize it's over and she moved on, I'm just having a difficult time dealing with the fact that I actually wanted to get this relationship moving forward and right as I do it vanishes right in front of me. Literally the day before I had planned to roll out a good foundation for us to start on. During all of this we had a lot of outside stress that was really weighing us down. Both of our families have a lot of issues going on, we moved in with my dad a year ago to help him out, she was worried about school, her age and the way her body was changing, and our sex life totally vanished for the prior 3 months. And my lack of communication was just the icing on the top. I just wanted to make the girl happy, and I finally found out what my major hold up was in the communication department and I feel really terrible about everything now. I think I need to NC from here on out right, but what about the vehicles, and stuff left here? I'm trying to come to the realize that I have no shot with this girl anymore, but is there anything else I can do beside NC? Any words of wisdom or advice? Thanks TL;DR I was horrible at communication, formulated plan to get better, but it was too late she already gave up.
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