janetl Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 I am happily divorced since almost 4 years. I have not met anyone worthy since then and I am not desperate. I am picky I joined a new job few months ago. I work with this guy, more and more closely every week. He's smart, very smart. He is kinda aloof, says he's not very social. And he's married with a small kid. I am more and more attracted to him. I see lot of similarities and mutual respect, even admiration. He's very casual, leans in quickly to edit stuff on my computer when we are working together, does not bother about being careful with maintaining personal space - but it's just the way he is. What we do share is a great understanding on intellectual level. That's such a turn on. Initially I ignored it; but now it's getting to me. He rarely talks about wife/family. Here's the most intriguing thing. He does not wear his wedding ring everyday. I have carefully noticed in last few weeks; and he wears it only once or twice a week. I tried to find a pattern; but could not. I know what you all are going to tell me; so go ahead! May be I just want to vent out. But I am dying to find out what he's thinking. Is he on the verge of breakup? I know he likes me; because he has talked good things about me to other people, and we have really good eye contact. I mean, really good. Even though I have been single and meet plenty of smart, attractive (and married) men everyday at work; I am not this attracted to anyone.... What's going on in his head?
canuckprincess Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 I am happily divorced since almost 4 years. I have not met anyone worthy since then and I am not desperate. I am picky I joined a new job few months ago. I work with this guy, more and more closely every week. He's smart, very smart. He is kinda aloof, says he's not very social. And he's married with a small kid. I am more and more attracted to him. I see lot of similarities and mutual respect, even admiration. He's very casual, leans in quickly to edit stuff on my computer when we are working together, does not bother about being careful with maintaining personal space - but it's just the way he is. What we do share is a great understanding on intellectual level. That's such a turn on. Initially I ignored it; but now it's getting to me. He rarely talks about wife/family. Here's the most intriguing thing. He does not wear his wedding ring everyday. I have carefully noticed in last few weeks; and he wears it only once or twice a week. I tried to find a pattern; but could not. I know what you all are going to tell me; so go ahead! May be I just want to vent out. But I am dying to find out what he's thinking. Is he on the verge of breakup? I know he likes me; because he has talked good things about me to other people, and we have really good eye contact. I mean, really good. Even though I have been single and meet plenty of smart, attractive (and married) men everyday at work; I am not this attracted to anyone.... What's going on in his head? I would tease him about not wearing the ring, And see how he reacts. Say things like why can't I meet a nice guy like you, too bad your married and see how he reacts. Maybe he's just the flirty type or maybe he cheats but if you can avoid an affair with a mm I would suggest you do, they can be alot of work and quite painful. 3
truthbetold Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Relationships should not be that complicated that you should twist yourself wondering what this or that means. If you need to do that, you should just move on. There shouldn't be so much game playing and hidden agendas. I don't think it's good for you to look for reasons why he does or doesn't wear his wedding ring. The fact he is married should tell you he's off limits period. The fact that even if he was contemplating a divorce and you view it as a "break up" that he should just get over in a couple months and be able to move on tells me you don't hold much value to a marriage. Men typically have a difficult time with a divorce than women. Men don't like to fail at anything. But some men have entitlement issues that will have no trouble entertaining some fun on the side at work. Couple that with most men that will cheat are conflict avoiders if they weren't they'd divorce on their own before involving someone else. For most women the fact that he's married means you don't cross that boundary even in your mind. You need to ask yourself why that doesn't matter to you and why you're willing to potentially hurt another to get what you want. 2
truthbetold Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Random comment: My dad never cheated on my mom, not once. He never wore his wedding band on days he had to do certain tasks at work because he didn't like the way it made it 1. potentially a safety hazard or 2. the way his finger felt after using a certain brand of soap that they used at his work. You've never seen a more devoted husband. So it's very possible that although you can't discern a pattern as to why he doesn't wear it sometimes, it doesn't mean that there isn't a legitimate reason. Already people are painting this guy as someone ready to cheat, and he isn't the one posting here, she's just attracted to him and wondering if there is some subtext, there may be, there may not be. Asking is the best plan. Frankly I do think she IS putting to much emphasis on things and reading into the his invading her personal space and the eye contact. He may very well have zero intentions on cheating. My point is it shouldn't matter one whit why he does or doesn't wear a ring. He's married period. I'm only playing devil's advocate and saying "if" he is thinking of cheating it still shouldn't matter to her if she has strong boundaries. I look at both sides. I recently learned that that's one thing affair partners have in common. They are unable to do "big picture" thinking. They only think in the here and now and that's a huge mistake. I want her to realize even "if" he does divorce there still may very well be a very hurt wife left in the wake. There's a small child she mentioned, how would she ever accept her down the line? Sure it's WAY to early to be thinking of such things at all, but that's the point. They need to be thought of because there a very real part of this guys life. And something she has likely not bothered to think about. So basically why invite all this drama into her life? It's not even an affair yet, but clearly her posting here makes her of the mindset that she would like it to be. She's better off figuring out why she would even accept any advances SHOULD THERE BE ANY. Most women wouldn't they'd be turned off, "if" he decided to make a move.
Author janetl Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 Thanks all, as I said, I knew what you all would say. I needed to hear that I hope I will get over this. Talking and listening helps. But I don't agree that I shouldn't be thinking of him even in my mind. Isn't it just normal? I am not justifying anything... But having gone through a horrible marriage, a painful divorce and struggle to find and live my identity; it is really rare for me to find a man, a good man, I really like and am attracted to. Enough said!
truthbetold Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Thanks all, as I said, I knew what you all would say. I needed to hear that I hope I will get over this. Talking and listening helps. But I don't agree that I shouldn't be thinking of him even in my mind. Isn't it just normal? I am not justifying anything... But having gone through a horrible marriage, a painful divorce and struggle to find and live my identity; it is really rare for me to find a man, a good man, I really like and am attracted to. Enough said! If you are thinking of him, IMO it's a slippery slope it's where you ALLOW yourself to develop feeling even in your mind so it would make each boundary crossed easier to cross and dismiss. If you have that thought you would acknowledge it yes, but remind yourself it's wrong because he's married and move on to something thing else. Yes, it can be difficult to find a "good" man. But in this case it would be an oxymoron because a "good man" doesn't cheat. They have more respect for themselves and others and wouldn't put people in a mess that would eventually cause hurt to someone. They deal with people with honesty and integrity in ALL not just "some" aspects of their lives. Good men ARE out there you just have to weed through and be patient and be content on being happy within yourself. If anyone cause you confusion in any way, you simply NEXT them. Not wasting precious time on the wrong people is how you open your heart to be available to finding the right one. 1
whichwayisup Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Thanks all, as I said, I knew what you all would say. I needed to hear that I hope I will get over this. Talking and listening helps. But I don't agree that I shouldn't be thinking of him even in my mind. Isn't it just normal? I am not justifying anything... But having gone through a horrible marriage, a painful divorce and struggle to find and live my identity; it is really rare for me to find a man, a good man, I really like and am attracted to. Enough said! You will get over this if you want to. Sure, you may have found a good man, but he is married. If you respect marriage and marriage vows, (and hopefully he respects his own vows and his wife) then you won't lust after him. At the end of the day it really doesn't matter what he thinks or feels towards you because he is a married man with a young child. Don't lower yourself, your standards just because you've felt a connection/attraction to someone. There are plenty of fish in the sea! And I'm sure eventually you'll find a (single) man who is available to date you openly and honestly. 1
Author janetl Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 You will get over this if you want to. Sure, you may have found a good man, but he is married. If you respect marriage and marriage vows, (and hopefully he respects his own vows and his wife) then you won't lust after him. At the end of the day it really doesn't matter what he thinks or feels towards you because he is a married man with a young child. Don't lower yourself, your standards just because you've felt a connection/attraction to someone. There are plenty of fish in the sea! And I'm sure eventually you'll find a (single) man who is available to date you openly and honestly. Thanks for the wishful thinking
whichwayisup Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Thanks for the wishful thinking Need to ask? What do you mean wishful thinking? Do you not think that can happen? Janet, you WILL find another guy who will rock your world. And it's good to be picky, but don't go after MM, even if they (he) turns you on like crazy! You deserve better than to be second fiddle! Remember that okay. 1
whichwayisup Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Originally Posted by canuckprincess I would tease him about not wearing the ring, And see how he reacts. Say things like why can't I meet a nice guy like you, too bad your married and see how he reacts. And this how the game starts..The cat and mouse game until an affair begins because boundries and lines get crossed. Janet, because you work with this guy, ALL the more reason not to 'go' there with him. You're putting your own reputation at risk, and possibly your job too, depending on work place policies. Do you want to be known as the woman in the office who chases married men? And be gossiped about? Don't let ego get in the way of right and wrong. You know what's what. 1
Author janetl Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 I meant: I think it might happen; but until it does; it's still hope, and wish. Not a prediction "it'll sure happen"! That's the truth and reality. Not optimism neither pessimism
whichwayisup Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 I meant: I think it might happen; but until it does; it's still hope, and wish. Not a prediction "it'll sure happen"! That's the truth and reality. Not optimism neither pessimism What? You mean one day you'll meet someone else and feel a wonderful connection, or do you mean that something *might* happen between you and this married man?
Author janetl Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 What? You mean one day you'll meet someone else and feel a wonderful connection, or do you mean that something *might* happen between you and this married man? The former; except I say "might" not "will" meet someone ...
veryhappy Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 He's thinking that it feels so nice to have his ego stroked by the attention you're giving him. He's also picturing you in any position possible. How much do you want to keep your job? Having an affair at work is not the way to go. You make things impossible for yourself. If you are okay with putting your job in danger, go ahead and inquire about his wedding ring and marriage status.
MissBee Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 I am happily divorced since almost 4 years. I have not met anyone worthy since then and I am not desperate. I am picky I joined a new job few months ago. I work with this guy, more and more closely every week. He's smart, very smart. He is kinda aloof, says he's not very social. And he's married with a small kid. I am more and more attracted to him. I see lot of similarities and mutual respect, even admiration. He's very casual, leans in quickly to edit stuff on my computer when we are working together, does not bother about being careful with maintaining personal space - but it's just the way he is. What we do share is a great understanding on intellectual level. That's such a turn on. Initially I ignored it; but now it's getting to me. He rarely talks about wife/family. Here's the most intriguing thing. He does not wear his wedding ring everyday. I have carefully noticed in last few weeks; and he wears it only once or twice a week. I tried to find a pattern; but could not. I know what you all are going to tell me; so go ahead! May be I just want to vent out. But I am dying to find out what he's thinking. Is he on the verge of breakup? I know he likes me; because he has talked good things about me to other people, and we have really good eye contact. I mean, really good. Even though I have been single and meet plenty of smart, attractive (and married) men everyday at work; I am not this attracted to anyone.... What's going on in his head? I don't know what's going on in his head...and the "evidence" is far too vague to tell you anything definitive. I'd advise that until this guy makes it apparent that he is into you...don't make any moves on him. If you're the one who has to try to decode whether or not he likes you...then it's too much room to get into an awkward situation. If he likes you and if he's "ont he verge of a breakup" then wait until he does/says something concrete about that. I'd also suggest that since you're new to the job...focus on your job and not possibly ending up in an A with your new colleague, as that could become very awkward.
ThatJustHappened Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 I would tease him about not wearing the ring, And see how he reacts. Say things like why can't I meet a nice guy like you, too bad your married and see how he reacts. Maybe he's just the flirty type or maybe he cheats but if you can avoid an affair with a mm I would suggest you do, they can be alot of work and quite painful. If there was a dislike button, I would click it for this post. You're completely contradicting yourself. First you're encouraging her to flirt with him..then you say if you can avoid an affair, you should. Why would you tell her to flirt with the guy and then tell her to try not to have an affair..and what do you mean IF? Anyone can avoid an affair..it's as easy as keeping your legs closed.
canuckprincess Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 If there was a dislike button, I would click it for this post. You're completely contradicting yourself. First you're encouraging her to flirt with him..then you say if you can avoid an affair, you should. Why would you tell her to flirt with the guy and then tell her to try not to have an affair..and what do you mean IF? Anyone can avoid an affair..it's as easy as keeping your legs closed. I'm saying I wouldn't come right out and ask him because if he's just flirting then she may embarrass herself if he's not really into her. And yes avoiding the affair would be best cause it can be heartbreaking.
truthbetold Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 (edited) I'm saying I wouldn't come right out and ask him because if he's just flirting then she may embarrass herself if he's not really into her. And yes avoiding the affair would be best cause it can be heartbreaking. Why even engage then? It's just stupid childish behavior if it has no potential. If she doesn't want to embarass herself, she wouldn't even engage in unprofessional behavior at the workplace. And to say things like "how can I meet a guy like you and too bad you're married" makes one look incredibly desperate for companionship therefore easy "prey" for someone looking for an affair. Edited September 9, 2012 by truthbetold 1
ThatJustHappened Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 I would give her a pass. Sometimes former OWs go back into OW mode. Old habits are hard to break. Lame. By that logic you'd also have to give passes to drug addicts, rapists, and serial killers.
Author janetl Posted September 20, 2012 Author Posted September 20, 2012 (edited) An update if someone is still reading. I am so proud of myself, and feel extremely relieved. Hope someone in similar situation would find it helpful. A couple of days ago, after we were wrapping up a meeting; everybody had left. I and him were the last ones to leave the room. As we finalized the notes, we had a moment. I ignored it (yeah, it was hard). But when we started leaving; instead of opening the room door for me (it's a door that closes automatically unless held open); he blocked it. It felt like he was struggling with something. I so was struggling inside to control myself and not say or do anything stupid. He just said "You think I don't know what's going on between us?" It was so hard to not get carried away; and it took me all the strength I had. I only said "You are married and have a kid. There can't be anything going on between us." After what appeared to be ages; he said "I'm glad you said that. Thanks!" And we walked out. Things are little bit weird still; we are maintaining distance. I was going crazy thinking "what if..."; asking all sorts of questions. But it could not have been otherwise; and I feel a HUGE weight is lifted. At least I came out clean. Thanks for listening and reacting, Edited September 20, 2012 by janetl
2sunny Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Good work! Now - change jobs or ask to be assigned to work with someone else... Unless you want continual temptation - and acting on it could get you fired.
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