joschmo Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 (edited) I've been with my boyfriend for two years and we are moving in together. I finished my med school residency and have 250k in student loans and will be making six figures. My boyfriend is currently looking for a job in the finance sector. Normally I'd be okay with my boyfriend not paying half the rent since he is looking for a job. But in this case I'm not sure since his family is wealthy. They have almost 10 million dollars in liquid assets. My family is broke and I have student loans that will take me years to pay off. The problem is that my boyfriend has too much pride and hates asking his family for money. He wants to be more self-sufficient. I don't want to put him in a position where he has to ask for money, and I guess his parents' money isn't really his, and he is looking for a job, but at the same time, I don't see why I should pay the entire rent when his family is rich. What do you think? Edited September 8, 2012 by joschmo
TaraMaiden Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 I agree with carhill. But that said, if you guys move into a rental property, and both your names are on the agreement, then he has to pay all bills - including rent - down the middle. Simple. If he doesn't have sufficient personal funds to enter a venture like that - then you shouldn't do this. *Remember Judge Judy!!* 1
january2011 Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 I think that you need to draw up your budget so that you see your finances in black and white. Ask him to do the same. Get together and talk about what you can each afford based on what you've calculated. Discuss how you are going to split the bills while you're living together. Also look for areas where you can cut back. You'll each have a different idea of what's fair. Hopefully, your ideas are compatible. Agree to review the situation on a regular basis. It's his opinion that matters. Not ours. And until you talk to him, you're jumping the gun by assuming that he's going to ask you to pay all the rent. 2
Author joschmo Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 I wouldn't move in together just yet. Everything else about the relationship is great.
Author joschmo Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 I think that you need to draw up your budget so that you see your finances in black and white. Ask him to do the same. Get together and talk about what you can each afford based on what you've calculated. Discuss how you are going to split the bills while you're living together. Also look for areas where you can cut back. You'll each have a different idea of what's fair. Hopefully, your ideas are compatible. Agree to review the situation on a regular basis. It's his opinion that matters. Not ours. And until you talk to him, you're jumping the gun by assuming that he's going to ask you to pay all the rent. I have talked to him about this. At first he said that he would pay "what he could," but now he's saying that he's going to pay half no matter what. I have been looking at really cheap rental properties, so it's cheap on any salary. I'm somewhat relieved but also concerned that I'm being too hard on him. But then again I know that his parents would help him easily and without hesitation, and I think, they can afford to more than I can. 1
TaraMaiden Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 That's immaterial. If everything is great, why put it under a strain? You have your answers. Don't move in unless he can pay his half. It's the road to resentment, animosity and division. LISTEN!! 2
Author joschmo Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 That's immaterial. If everything is great, why put it under a strain? You have your answers. Don't move in unless he can pay his half. It's the road to resentment, animosity and division. LISTEN!! I wouldn't resent it if he didn't come from an extremely wealthy family. But he does, so it makes me feel as if he should pay half regardless. But his family's wealth isn't his, although they would help without hesitation, so I don't know if I'm thinking the right way.
Author joschmo Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 Where's he living now? He was living with roommates but moved back home after he lost his job.
CarrieT Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 He was living with roommates but moved back home after he lost his job. He should stay there until he can afford to pay his own way. Why should you have to pay for his way just because he can't? 2
january2011 Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 For what it's worth, I think that you need to stop focusing on his parents. If he decides that he wants to do this on his own without his family's help, then you need to respect his decision. Sit down and look at your joint finances in black and white. If you've not done this, then I agree with the others about not moving in together. You need to both be honest about your situations and the best way to do this is to see it all in black and white. If you can't afford a decent place based on your joint finances, then I agree with Carhill and TaraMaiden, do not move in together.
Author joschmo Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 For what it's worth, I think that you need to stop focusing on his parents. If he decides that he wants to do this on his own without his family's help, then you need to respect his decision. Sit down and look at your joint finances in black and white. If you've not done this, then I agree with the others about not moving in together. You need to both be honest about your situations and the best way to do this is to see it all in black and white. If you can't afford a decent place based on your joint finances, then I agree with Carhill and TaraMaiden, do not move in together. He's agreed to and I trust him to do what he says he will do. I know he's saved up some money from his job, but they also give him money every year and put it in a savings account. I'd rather not ask him about intimate details about his finances since I think they are locked up with his family's. I mean, I think they have set up trusts or something for him, and I think it's TMI if I butt in and ask him about it since it's not strictly under his control. I know he can pay if he says he can pay. He's always been extremely frugal, so I know he's saved up most of what he earns. I trust him completely to do what he says. I'm just questioning whether I'm being too harsh on him and whether I should let it go until he finds a new job. If I were in his position, I know that I'd appreciate if he didn't force me to pay the rent. But, I'm also not loaded.
TaraMaiden Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Listen very carefully: This - is business. This is nothing to do with your relationship, and although I know it's difficult to separate the two, it's something you should try to do: It's a business arrangement. it's a joint contract between two individuals which, if this was somebody you were just considering moving in with, as a room/flat mate, you would consider carefully on matters of principle. It's a legal agreement. The moment you both decide to commit to a legal agreement, then you are both liable for whatever financial input is necessary. If he states he can afford this, and you feel it's viable, then sign the agreement. But you should perhaps yourself, take the necessary precaution of creating an agreement between the two of you that neither one will be held liable or responsible for debts, arrears or the financial input of the other. It cuts both ways. 2
january2011 Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 I'd rather not ask him about intimate details about his finances since I think they are locked up with his family's. I mean, I think they have set up trusts or something for him, and I think it's TMI if I butt in and ask him about it since it's not strictly under his control. It sounds like you are not ready to move in together. The answer to your questions in the last paragraph of your post aren't going to be reliable until you have a clear picture of his finances. That is, how are you going to know if you are being too harsh if you don't even know what he can and can't afford in cold hard math? I would not join my finances by moving in with someone whose financial health is unknown to me. 1
darkmoon Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 his "pride" about not going to his family hasn't made him "self-sufficient" as you are thinking of paying for him, replacing his parents by doing so
darkmoon Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 his "pride" about not going to his family hasn't made him "self-sufficient" as you are thinking of paying for him, replacing his parents by doing so - be careful, i mean, would you marry a man with no income?
carhill Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 My rental agreements, very typical of ones most any lawyer will provide, hold co-tenants jointly and severably liable for all rents due. In other words, if a tenant is listed on the lease and signs the lease, then that person is liable legally for all rents due, no matter what arrangements they have made with a co-tenant. I really don't care as long as the money received each month matches what the contract calls for. Like TM stated, it's business. A landlord will absolutely not care who said what to whom and what backroom or legal deals were struck between tenants. IMO, if you're going to live together in an equitable situation, there should be a 'household' account which you each agree to contribute to at a specific rate/amount for payment of household expenses. It doesn't matter where the money comes from; employment, savings, gifts, bla, bla. If it's not possible to address this issue in an open and reasonable manner, then you're not ready to live together, IMO. 1
TaraMaiden Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Money - joint funds, pulling your weight, lack of it - is one of the main major stressers in a relationship. The others are sex, family ties/commitments, religious views and wanting/having children. If you cannot ask questions - and expect straight answers - on this issue, at a time when clarity, openness and honesty is at a premium, then it's shaky ground. This is no time to be 'precious' about it. If you're entering into a financial venture which requires commitment from you both - then you deserve transparency, as appropriate. You're not asking him to reveal details of his grandfather's Swiss bank account. You just need to know - for sure - that you can rely on him 100% to keep his side of the bargain. 1
denise_xo Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 I would leave his family out of the equation. The relationship is between the two of you, and he has clearly stated that he doesn't want to rely on his family. Personally, if I were at the stage of a relationship where I was ready to move in with someone, I would also be happy to pay the rent (provided, of course, that I could afford it in the first place) while my partner was unemployed and looking for a job. This would assume that I trusted that he was actively seeking work and not looking to take advantage of the situation. In a committed relationship, I think that's what you do for each other - just as I think he should be prepared to take on a bit more of the rent if I were the one who was unemployed and he was making good money. Alternatively, based on what you wrote below, I would also be fine to go ahead with a split down the middle agreement if I trusted that he could come up with his part of the rent: I know he can pay if he says he can pay. He's always been extremely frugal, so I know he's saved up most of what he earns. I trust him completely to do what he says. But overall, I kind of get the same feeling as january and carhill - that your communication about finances is not really at the level where you are ready to move in together.
Author joschmo Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 Thanks for all the advice so far. About the household account. I'm not sure I want a joint account. I guess we can withdraw cash and put it in a pool somewhere. Even if we get married someday, and we're thinking about it, I don't think joint accounts are a good idea. This is just based off what I've seen in others' marriages. I also like the idea of making and having my own spending money without getting consent from others about how I should spend it. For our entire relationship we have paid for ourselves when we go out. I prefer it this way, so I'm not sure that I would ever want a joint account. I think that his parents might still have control over most of his accounts even though he has been working for awhile. It's complicated, but I do not feel comfortable asking him about the details since his family will get the wrong impression, that I'm a gold digger or whatever. I'm only looking at places that I can afford on my own. I know for a fact that he can afford half of the rent at these places, but I'm looking at cheap places just in case. Plus, I'd prefer saving more to spending more on rent.
Silly_Girl Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 He should stay there until he can afford to pay his own way. Why should you have to pay for his way just because he can't? This. In capitals, bold and italics. Lit up with fireworks if need be. 2
Author joschmo Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 This. In capitals, bold and italics. Lit up with fireworks if need be. My job is in another state from his parents'. He used to live in the same state as me but now that he's moved back home it's become LDR. I guess in a way it's also about paying for companionship.
Silly_Girl Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 My job is in another state from his parents'. He used to live in the same state as me but now that he's moved back home it's become LDR. I guess in a way it's also about paying for companionship. LDR is not fun, but it can be managed well. Living together with one leeching off the other builds enormous resentment and emotional barriers. I really think he needs to make a call as to committing to you/future/bringing in a wage, or... not, and things remain the same.
Author joschmo Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 (edited) LDR is not fun, but it can be managed well. Living together with one leeching off the other builds enormous resentment and emotional barriers. I really think he needs to make a call as to committing to you/future/bringing in a wage, or... not, and things remain the same. I've met a lot of couples where one party "leeches off" the other (one works and the other doesn't). It seemed to me that it was accepted by society and "shouldn't" cause resentment. Or maybe it depends on gender? I'd only feel resentful because of his family situation. Edited September 8, 2012 by joschmo
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