Gem81 Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 (edited) Hi all, this is my first post here . Hoping you guys can help... I'm 31 and my boyfriend is 32, and we've been together just on 3 years now. The problem is my that he tends to be very very critical of others. Not just of their faults and mistakes, but elements of their lifestyle if it conflicts with his ideals. He does it with everyone, but especially me. (I guess I should add here that, though we both have our flaws, he's probably the stronger half of the relationship). I've become used to the constant nit-picking, and a lot of the time it's justified. But I've also noticed lately that he just seems to be doing it more and more, especially in front of his mates or people we know. To me this is where the crisicisms become extreme and turn into put-downs. It's like he's trying to make an example of me and make himself look good by putting me in the spotlight of blame. When it's happening around his mates then he tends to treat me coldly and abruptly. Sometimes I even think that his actions are totally uncalled for, though he still treats me like I'm the one in the wrong. For example, what happened about an hour ago. He invites his mate Justin over who has brought a female friend Becca who is rather young and attractive. My bf knows I have very deep insecurity issues and jealousy that is guaranteed to rear its ugly head and cause chaos. So you'd think he'd watch his tongue in this sort of situation right? Wrong. The boys wanted some ice for the esky so Becca offered to go down to the servo down the road and grab some. She asked "does anyone want anything from the servo?" and my bf says "not til you geat back" and gave her a pointed look (which I interpreted as flirtatious). As soon as she left I said to him "excuse me, but what the hell was with that?" and he had this smart-arsed look on his face and told me that I'd misinterpreted the whole thing and that what he meant was that he'd probably remember if he needed something by the time she got back. Righteo.... and now he's being short with me and all three of them are pretty much ignoring me while I sit in my room typing this... Any advice? Edited September 8, 2012 by Gem81
Pasttense Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Tell him that this behavior makes you feel uncomfortable and ask him to stop. If he doesn't change his behavior dump him. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 He's got his own issues and insecurities however he projects that unto others...as long as he's on the offensive then it's always a good defense and he doesn't have to reflect inwards or critique himself...It's a distraction. Plus he's pushed the limits in this relationship to see how far you'd let him disrespect you, but you're still sitting around and taking it so he loses respect for you even more, and pushes it even more...partly because you don't speak up for yourself and partly because he just feels justified in his criticisms but likely doesn't accept them in the same way. He wouldn't treat someone like this that he knew he couldn't get away with it. He likely doesn't see what he's doing or how he is acting...demonstrating how he acts and speaks to you by projecting it on him when there's something wrong may help him see it or recording his behavior on camera without his knowledge so he can see how he acts and what he sounds like If he gets really bad. However he likely already knows that...someone has likely treated him this way in his past, ask him about someone who use to put him down and make him feel disrespected and worthless or critical and how did it make him feel. Remind him in situations that when he's doing something it is serious and you are very offended by it, pointing out specifically the act, he needs to learn to apologize and not be prideful, or immature about it. All in all you need to stand your ground or it will get worse, he's likely had some abuse in his background which is what makes him critical and defensive towards others, putting others down makes him feel in control. He needs to start looking at the world through a different light and concentrate on his own faults, he may be an angry/miserable person and that projects in everything he views...he may feel extremely critical because he feels genuinely a lack of respect for these people and their situations...which honestly everyone does to an extent but some of it's extreme, therefore he feels entitled and better than them and refuses to listen to opinions that would otherwise make him feel in the wrong. Reacting negatively and angrily only helps him retain this stance of indifference because it's a path of resistance...you need to speak with him calmly about this and express your feelings and how it makes you feel in detail and how it hurts you and exacerbates your insecurities...then you really need to enforce a consequence whether it's to leave or walk away and go into a room until he really starts to think about this, at this point you are just enabling the behavior and now that you're fighting him over it he doesn't take anything you say with much value or understanding and he will continue to do so until he takes you seriously or can see and accept his behavior. If he doesn't want to change then you have to decide If It's going to be something you can be happy with in your relationship and accept, otherwise you can't change him, he'll need to grow up on his own...you staying around just makes him feel like he can treat anyone like this he's with, unless of course she's one that wouldn't deal with it...but then again he'd probably never choose a woman like that.
january2011 Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Dump him. It's been going on for a long time and he's not just doing it to you. He's doing it to his friends and everyone else. His friends are also enabling his behaviour, thus he thinks it's acceptable. This is his personality. He's unlikely to change it unless a significant life event makes him change. Contempt for your partner, especially in public, is a sure sign that the relationship is going downhill. He doesn't respect you or anyone else. I'd move on or suffer many more incidents like this where you get sidelined and feel alone in a room full of his friends. 2
coolheadal Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Sounds like he's a fair weather boy friend to you. Not really the type of guy that will stand by you. Drops you for his mates instead of you. This is not the right type of guy to be around. First off what the heck are you standing around putting up with this type of BS. You need to learn some self respect. He doesn't have your best interest in heart also. If he did he would respect you and not play or say this non-sense in front of you and his mates. Don't put up with it. Just pack up your stuff and move out.. Go live with your sisters or family while this guy learns some respect for you. There are other guys that won't do this to you. If you want this to play out more you'll have to live with it. He's not getting the message. You can tell him to he's blue in the face he's not listening..
bluegreen Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 And you took this for three years ? NO girl is that ugly stupid or worthless to take that kind of treatment and neither you are doll so do yourself a favor and along when his friends start leaving tell them they forgot to take something with them "their looser" buddy ...
joschmo Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Give him a taste of his own medicine. Then dump him.
KatZee Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 It's emotional abuse. To put it bluntly. He's criticizing you and hoping to modify you and your behavior. My ex pulled this with me toward the end of our relationship. I pointed it out to him on numerous occasions. Told him he made me feel like a piece of sh*t all the time. He said he'd try harder, but he only got worse. At the end of our relationship, due to his constant criticizing, I had no self-esteem. No confidence. And I had no love for myself. Looking back on conversations we had at the end, I'm embarrassed with how weak I sounded. Constantly telling him I'd be better, and that I'd change for him. I wish I could go back in time and beat myself, and then beat him. No one deserves that. Bring it up. If he doesn't stop. Leave. You will die a little more on the inside each time this happens, until you're nothing but a shell. 1
FitChick Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 It sounds like he is tired of you and the relationship so does what many men do -- act horribly so you leave. Is he a Virgo?
utterer of lies Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Any advice? He won't change, and your life will not improve until you fix this yourself.
LZ2000 Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 On a level headed perspective, it is perfectly fine to feel some amount of discomfort and possibly some discontent towards the unideal things in one's life. But it can be hard to handle, stomach or socially manage one's reactive behavior that displays such disgust, and it can get ugly. Possibly, your boyfriend is really upset about some things in his life or has a deep seated issue that is making him act like this. I'm just making a guess here, so if I'm wrong please correct me. My 2 cents.
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