I have never felt so miserable... reality has hit me hard!

[Adamgem]

After 15 months of being together 24/7 it seems it is now me that is taking the role of second best.

 

No phone call tonight. He is out with his family... mother, childern and ex(?) I know I must get out of this situation but I have no idea how.

 

We are very connected and unless I move to the other side of the world he will not leave me alone. I must be smart about how I do this.

 

He doesn't see anything wrong with keeping both of us in his life. I told him he needs to decide. He says she will not let him have his assets or access to his children if he leaves - she told me, more or less, the same thing.

 

Yet, he will not let me go. He gets angry and tells me I don't want him to see his children in their 'familiar' environment. He says I want him to give everything up for me. This is not true.

 

Now I just want out. I am afraid he will destroy me if I leave..... any suggestions?

[Adamgem]

I am sorry but I do not understand what you are trying to say? What have I done to anybody?

[AnotherRound]

I'm not familiar with your story, but can you clarify what you mean by he will "destroy" you if you leave? I don't want to jump to conclusions on this one, but that sounds pretty serious????

 

Bottom line is, the relationship that he is offering you falls WAY short of what you want, and what you deserve. There are a few people in this world that would be satisfied with that set up, but you are obviously not one of them.

 

It's always hard to walk away from someone you love and care about when they aren't meeting your needs. That's why so many people stay married, and so many people stay in marriages and other relationships far beyond when they are healthy. You get, well, entangled.

 

If you think that it will be too hard for you to do, then it will be. You have to reach down deep and find that strength that you have, the reserve strength for situations exactly like this. The tough situations, the situations that are about love and not logic. And you have to have boundaries. This is a classic example of someone not respecting your boundaries... but you letting them. You have to figure out what your boundaries are exactly. Exactly what do you want in a relationship and exactly what won't you accept? And then, make that clear, and stick to it.

 

Don't let someone else, love or not, push your boundaries around. It's unhealthy, and it will leave you feeling badly about yourself in the end. I'm not saying it is easy, bc it's not. But, if you put your mind to it, you will be able to do it. And, after some time, you will be able to find some peace and some happiness, and your self esteem will benefit from protecting those healthy boundaries.

 

Good luck to you... and my suggestion if "destroy" means what I think, or he truly won't leave you alone if you asked him to? Restraining order. That's not healthy behavior from a grown man in any way, shape, or form. I would be very concerned with any grown man who seems to have so little respect for the boundaries of others. I would tread very carefully if I was you.

 

Again, good luck. And I would just ignore the hateful comments. I am new here, but understand that there are BSs on here too, you are probably going to get some venom just from mentioning that the relationship has another person in it. Ignore (that's a healthy boundary too! )

[Adamgem]

Thank you for your post. Your words are very kind. It is true I need to keep my boundaries strong. I hadn't thought of it like that. I must remember your words when I see him next.... he will try everything to keep me stuck there.

 

It is very complicated but I can not get a restraiing order.... My experience with law enforcement has always been very disappointing and ineffective - I no longer have any faith in it.

 

I hope you keep posting...

[Summer Breeze]

After 15 months of being together 24/7 it seems it is now me that is taking the role of second best.

 

No phone call tonight. He is out with his family... mother, childern and ex(?) I know I must get out of this situation but I have no idea how.

 

We are very connected and unless I move to the other side of the world he will not leave me alone. I must be smart about how I do this.

 

He doesn't see anything wrong with keeping both of us in his life. I told him he needs to decide. He says she will not let him have his assets or access to his children if he leaves - she told me, more or less, the same thing.

 

Yet, he will not let me go. He gets angry and tells me I don't want him to see his children in their 'familiar' environment. He says I want him to give everything up for me. This is not true.

 

Now I just want out. I am afraid he will destroy me if I leave..... any suggestions?

 

You see somethin wrong with him keeping you both in his life. It isn't his decision -- it's yours. I know you may feel like you have to move around the world to escape it but I can't believe that's true. What do you mean he'll destroy you? Are you saying he'll have a vendetta and will seek you out to destroy you or that it will destroy you to not be with him? Either way, if you put your mind to it, neither will happen.

 

Know what you don't want him to see the kids in their familiar environment because now he is not part of that environment. He needs to see that the kids must see his environment and together they need to make it a place they eventually find familiar as well. You don't want him to give everything up for you, you want him to find a compromise.

 

If his W is now an x then you need to set boundaries for YOUR R with him. He lives with it or he doesn't. You need to get some sanity and control for you now.

 

Good luck

[Summer Breeze]

I'm not familiar with your story, but can you clarify what you mean by he will "destroy" you if you leave? I don't want to jump to conclusions on this one, but that sounds pretty serious????

 

Bottom line is, the relationship that he is offering you falls WAY short of what you want, and what you deserve. There are a few people in this world that would be satisfied with that set up, but you are obviously not one of them.

 

It's always hard to walk away from someone you love and care about when they aren't meeting your needs. That's why so many people stay married, and so many people stay in marriages and other relationships far beyond when they are healthy. You get, well, entangled.

 

If you think that it will be too hard for you to do, then it will be. You have to reach down deep and find that strength that you have, the reserve strength for situations exactly like this. The tough situations, the situations that are about love and not logic. And you have to have boundaries. This is a classic example of someone not respecting your boundaries... but you letting them. You have to figure out what your boundaries are exactly. Exactly what do you want in a relationship and exactly what won't you accept? And then, make that clear, and stick to it.

 

Don't let someone else, love or not, push your boundaries around. It's unhealthy, and it will leave you feeling badly about yourself in the end. I'm not saying it is easy, bc it's not. But, if you put your mind to it, you will be able to do it. And, after some time, you will be able to find some peace and some happiness, and your self esteem will benefit from protecting those healthy boundaries.

 

Good luck to you... and my suggestion if "destroy" means what I think, or he truly won't leave you alone if you asked him to? Restraining order. That's not healthy behavior from a grown man in any way, shape, or form. I would be very concerned with any grown man who seems to have so little respect for the boundaries of others. I would tread very carefully if I was you.

 

Again, good luck. And I would just ignore the hateful comments. I am new here, but understand that there are BSs on here too, you are probably going to get some venom just from mentioning that the relationship has another person in it. Ignore (that's a healthy boundary too! )

 

Excellent advice on many fronts here. I see we asked some of the same questions too.

 

The bolded. Just don't forget that many BS are great advisors here and have excellent advice and will make you think. That's not a bad thing. Also remember that some are still freshly wounded, as are you, and lash out at anyone who can stand in the place of the OW in their situation. Have patience unless it's a personal attack. At that point don't just ignore, alert the mods.

[Adamgem]

Basically I live with him and spend almost all my time with him. Suddenly out of the blue his ex starts calling and I found this outrageous so I called her.

 

I wanted to know what she was doing. She said that yes it was over and she knows he loves me very much but now she had changed her mind and wants him back. She said she would never give up.

 

I said to him I would not fight over any man. If he wants to be with me - he will and if not - I do not want him.

 

Now he has her back in his life and I am sitting here wondering wtf happened?

 

I went crazy yesterday and told him that he feels nothing for me if this is what he wants and expects. How dare he? What does he think I am? Maybe his ex is willing to put up with anything but I am not.

 

He is angry with me for making these demands! I told him to go back and stay with her - obviously she is willing to let him do what he likes - a better deal for him!

 

The problem is I know he is a dangerous person and is able to cause me a lot of trouble if I leave.... I am just not sure how dangerous the situation is.

[AnotherRound]

Summer... thanks. And yes, I realize that. But I truly hate that some people cannot self soothe at all and only find some relief by bashing others. It's so unhealthy... for them and for the person that they are bashing.

 

I was a BW many years ago, and I remember that pain well. But that situation was very different than the one I found myself in as an OW. And, in that time, I did not bash my exHs OW, she had not made me any promises. And I know all too well (tmi, but bc of what I do) that the OWs are rarely the "chasers" in these situations. So, it just seems so emotionally immature to me that any BS would attack the AP, even though I know it happens a lot. But, for a BS to attack someone else that wasn't involved directly in their issue? Very unhealthy, very emotionally immature, and just a waste of energy that could be used to become healthy. Imo, obviously.

 

I confront things head on, and with the person that I have an issue with. I do expect that from other adults, as that is the appropriate way to handle these things. And judgment? Pffft. As if any human being has the right to judge another's actions, esp without being directly involved in that situation. Delusional.

 

Anyway... I'm reading a lot, and having a lot of thoughts, so here I am... venting on a board. I should be working on paper work, but I'm procrastinating... lol.

 

Sorry to t/j!

[Summer Breeze]

You didn't judge her because you reserved te rigt to do the same. You couldn't do that if she did wrong. She did do wrong and so did you. Anyone knows that. Why is it so hard for OW to get support do you think? If they were lily white they'd be on pedestals for rescuing the poor guy.

 

You might want to clarify this because I can't make any sense out of it at all and it also seems like it is not remotely on topic.

[AnotherRound]

You didn't judge her because you reserved te rigt to do the same. You couldn't do that if she did wrong. She did do wrong and so did you. Anyone knows that. Why is it so hard for OW to get support do you think? If they were lily white they'd be on pedestals for rescuing the poor guy.

 

My whole point JadeEyes is that you, and some others, come into a board that is clearly titled OW/OM, start reading, get hurt, and begin to throw judgment around like it's the Apocalypse. It's not healthy. Have you seen me come to the Marriage board and post on your threads? Why would I do that? I don't want to rub salt in your obvious wounds. Why would anyone want to do that?

 

It's not healthy, and it's emotionally immature. The fact that you have to make so many clicks to respond on this board shows that you are CHOOSING to wallow in your pain. I guess, if that's what you need, but truthfully, I'm trying to tell you, it's unhealthy and only keeping you there even longer and harder.

 

I have read some of your posts on the Marriage board, but I don't respond. I don't want to hurt you, or make you feel worse, and although I was once a BW, and could probably offer you some insight, you have deemed my input as having no value bc I also once carried the label of OW. That's fine. But then you come here and judge, judge, judge.

 

Are you lily white? Are you on a pedestal? You are NOT beyond reproach, NO human being is. Not even Mother Teresa was, and that's coming from someone with a GREAT respect for MT and what she did in this world. You are human, like all of us. Is there a hierarchy of sin? Perhaps, but it is NOT your job to dole it out. You are not god, you are just one little female human being in this big world. You are no better, and no worse, than any of the rest of us. We are all equal in our human-ness. You've made mistakes in your M, don't act as if you haven't. Once you realize that, I think you will be a LOT better off in that a M doesn't break down of it's own accord and without influence from everyone involved.

 

The victim mentality is debilitating. Yes, something was done "to" you by someone that you love. Now, what can you control in that? Only your reaction to it. That is all. You can't make it unhappen. You can't control him (even though you are trying VERY hard to do so), and you can't control the OW. You only have control of yourself. So, choose how you are going to respond to this occurrence in your life. Is it fair? No, but a lot of things in life aren't fair. We just have to pick up and carry on, in one way or another.

 

I don't want to bash you, but I don't appreciate you coming onto this board and jabbing at people just bc you are hurting. It doesn't excuse your bad behavior, any more than your H feeling neglected or whatever excuses his A. It only makes you appear immature and worthy of pity. Please, get professional help and learn to aim your anger and frustration where it belongs. Stop kicking the kids bc you're mad at your H, it's senseless.

[DBella]

It's really up to you to allow that man to continue manipulating you and having control over you. Do you see yourself as happy living the rest of your life like this? Most likely not, so it is time to cut him off. Tell him that don't wanna be in the middle of this mess anymore. He wants to destroy you??? How the hell so? You knew there was another woman when you came into the picture, so it is time to wear your big girl's panties and deal with the consequences of your actions.

[AnotherRound]

I don't think that the other woman was in the picture when she came in. I believe that it was an ex of her boyfriend who is now BACK in the picture???? I could be wrong... but I think that's what I gathered from it.