Broke up with Baby's Mom but I feel like I got dumped?

[DuvalDown]

Ok I gotta give yall a little background but I promise it's not boring just to let you understand the situation.

 

I met my 'gf/baby's mom/whatever" in 2010 in a drug rehab. I was in cause I was selling drugs outa moms house, **** hit the fan, etc. I was an 'alcoholic' her drug of choice werAe pills (mainly xanaxs and painkillers).

 

Anyways sweet petite girl, was an army medic 16 months older than me. We hit it off and she called me two weeks after we both got out. A week later I bought a room in Jax for two nights and obviously we hooked up.

 

Well fast forward 3 months and she's living with me. At first I'm supporting us both with dope money but she gets a job as medical assistant. 6 months later I get a job as waiter. Somewhere in between, she winds up pregnant. Not only that, We're all living at my moms house (2 bedroom duplex).

 

Anyways, we're living together and were both functional addicts. Then she'd lose a job, I'd pick up the slack I get fired and her VA money starts coming in as well as her unemployment. The baby is born about 3 months before I lose my job. I haven't worked since, until I got hired as a dishwasher a month ago.

 

To make the story even more ****ed up, I've caught two cases since we were together. One was an agg assault w a firearm where she was the only witness but no one was injured the victim a 3rd party, was not injured outside of the battery they also got me for. Without her testimony those charges wouldn't have gotten reduced and I'd be eating chow in a prison line in about 5 hours. This was at the end of 2010 about 4 months after she moved in.

 

Then in June I got a domestic where she was the victim. Just keepin it real and hate on me if you want to. I don't support hitting women and I never hit her. The drugs/ withdrawals and jealousy that filled our relationship made it a roller coaster. She wasn't above putting her hands on me and I wasn't above eliminating the threat but i never threw blows at her. I shoved her into the fridge and she called the law. whatever. The charges got dropped and I regret everything. Again just fillin yall in.

 

With no victim contact we were apart for about 2 months and I started reading jesus calling, getting on my knees, etc. I stopped using. When she came back to me I tried to tell her that the drugs had to stop with her too. To make a long story short, that didn't work. I told her that she had to get her finances under control because at this point she was spending her whole VA check in a week. Again, to no avail.

 

Well we've been trying here since last night and finally I told her I didn't want to be with her anymore. It was a spontaneous thing but when I saw her get emotional I stuck to my guns and tried to leave little doubt that it was over. Her dad came down picked up her and my son and they went back home (160 miles away).

 

So last night I didn't feel so bad, I had some friends over and whatever. Today was smooth cause I was working but I got home and her and my son being gone really hit me. I was sitting watching the game and I felt the urge to call her. I did. She didn't pick up.

 

I'm not one to blow up anyone's phone because even if I do miss her dearly and wonder what she might be doing to get over this pain, I can't show all my cards by leaving messages to call me back. But not making contact just adds to my anxiety.

 

I guess I'm wondering why I'm the one who feels so lonely, miserable and anxious when I was the one who truly (at that time) didn't want to be with her and called the thing off.

 

She stuck with me through the felonies, through the domestic abuse, when I had no job, everything. When she was here I swear to God I was the love of her life. She loved the **** out of me to the point where I always knew that and did take advantage of it but I never cheated on her or anything scandalous. She was crushed when I told her.

 

I expected her to run to her phone when I called tonight, but then again I'm sure she's surrounded by her friends who are telling her to do just the opposite.

 

I want my family back and it hasn't even been 24 hours.

 

Any feedback is much appreciated.

[SoleMate]

I'm having a hard time believing this story. It's pretty far out.

 

Do you have a specific question?

[DuvalDown]

What don't you believe. I can get into the details if you'd like but I figured if people saw a 40 paragraph post they wouldn't even bother to read it.

 

My question basically was, why do I feel like I got dumped even though I was the one that told her that it was over? What can/ should I do. How do I deal with the anxiety of the unknown, that she's emotional over this with her friends back home and what is she doing to deal with it. My anxiety over her not picking up when every time I call she answers by the third ring and is constantly phone checking me whenever we're apart for more than an hour?

 

Yeah, I met her in rehab. We exchanged numbers. She called. I let her move in with me and my mom. She got pregnant. We both 'abused substances' pretty much throughout our relationship. She's stuck by me through two different serious arrests, one of which she was the 'victim'. We have a ten month old son together.

 

Yeah it does sound like it could be turned into a movie but I swear to you it's true.

 

If there's anything you'd like me to clear up for you I'd be more than happy to do so.

 

I'm just looking on some feedback because I know there have been other people who were in serious long term relationships who have called it quits with a partner they knew was head over heels in love with them and then they were the ones who felt miserable afterwords.