Chelle0582 Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 I am so confused! My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 3 years and I just recently told him that I needed a break in our relationship. This isn't a "cop-out" or an "easy let down" and there is nobody else that I wan to be with. I just need some time to fix some things about myself. I don't even know who I am anymore! I need to "Get back to me". He needs this too he just doesn't want to realize it. He say "what are you going to do what and if we get married, take a temporary divorce"? I know he is saying that because he is hurting and that kills me. But the problem is that I have been hurting him for the past year and a half and I don't want to do it anymore. In the past year and a half I have shut every door that has ever been opened in my heart and now I have become basically cold, emotionless. I don't talk about how I feel or the things that are wrong with me. When he tries I get very short and pissey with him. He doesn't deserve that! He is a wonderful man and any women would be lucky to be with him. That is why I told him that he didn't have to be my "stand by boyfriend" and put his life on hold. But I don't want to loose him. I also think that he has dealt with my attitude for so long that he has forgotten who he is and what he deserves. I was discussing this with a friend of mine the other day and and she asked me a very important question. She asked " do you 2 bring the best out in each other"? I didn't understand what she meant. She said " when one of you is down does the other person do any and everything they possibly can to pick the other up"? I said "yes, he does all of the time" but I couldn't think of one time in the past year and a half that I took the time out to do the same for him. Well I told him about that when we were talking about the break and he said he had realized that. He said he could tolerate that, he just couldn't take it when I say hurtful things. How horrible is that? He doesn't even understand that that is not a healthy relationship and if he does he doesn't care. I don't want to be this way towards him anymore. He even thinks I have/am cheating on him. He asks if you aren't showing me who you are (fun, loving, caring.....) Then who are you showing that side to? I also think he thinks that is why I want this break. I mean I guess he would when his other ex's said they needed a break they really were doing it for other reasons. I'll tell you though I love him with all of my heart and soul. I could never even think of cheating on him! I have thought of telling him I did so he would hate me and then I wouldn't hurt him anymore and he could find someone that was there for him. But I am a terrible lier! What am I doing? Am I even doing the right thing by taking a break? Am I just hurting us more? How can I let him know I am doing this for us and no other reason? uuuhhhhh!
Guest74 Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 Show him this post. Then take your break. Don't ignore him, but don't lead him on, either. You need to do what's best for yourself. If he wants and makes the best use of the time, then you know he's the one for you. If not...well, you'll have your answer either way.
nikkicam71 Posted July 22, 2004 Posted July 22, 2004 I can't take it. He's the greatest guy and anybody would be lucky to have him...you don't want to lose him...you "value" him so much....so you break his heart???? How is that love? Life happens...with or without someone else. Time and space are reasonable, especially if you have issues you need to work on, but since when is hurting the person who cares for you most an acceptable method of dealing with your problems? Is it one of those misery loves company kinda things? And you seem to really expect that he will still be there when you finally decide you're done "fixing" things? Your ex is right...married people don't take temporary divorces. If you love someone, you don't take advantage of the fact that they care for you...you don't dump them, blow apart their entire world, create HUGE trust and security issues, and then hope they'll still be there whenever you come out of it. By the way, this time and space for "self-improvement" never seems to have any concrete, definable time frame...is it gonna be two weeks for this tuneup? two months? two years?? No offense, but you don't deserve to have him waiting in the wings. If you're at a place where you're immature enough and self-absorbed enough to believe that you need to hurt someone who genuinely loves you in order to make yourself and your life better, than you're right, you don't need to be in a relationship. Let him go and let him find someone who will value him.
Author Chelle0582 Posted July 23, 2004 Author Posted July 23, 2004 Nikkicam71: Okay first let me say that I posted this up here to get advice not to be told what I do and do not deserve! I understand that I am going to not always hear what I want to hear but I do not appreciate being attacked. And before you start saying anything you should get your facts straight. I didn't say that I wanted him to wait for me in fact i said (wrote) that "I didn't want him to put his life on hold and be my stand by boyfriend". and to answer your question about is this some kind of misery loves company thing? No, it isn't ! Obviously you have never had to go through something like this so you shouldn't even be commenting on this situation. Besides taking that time apart was the best thing i could have done for us. We have realized that we don't need to see each other everyday if we don't want to. We can go out with friends with out each other and that we don't have to be with each other every waking moment of the day. I just needed that little bit of time to get some stuff straight and figure some stuff out. We are bake together and we have been having so much fun together we also have found away around our "communication barrier". And thank you for the advice from the first response i did show him this and it helped him a little bit more. I guess when you write it down someone really can't interrupt, huh?...lol. thanks again!
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 23, 2004 Posted July 23, 2004 Your ex is right...married people don't take temporary divorces. But they do separate.
miggsbucks Posted July 23, 2004 Posted July 23, 2004 chell stop having a go at nikki. she's took the trouble to read your post and taken the time to write a reply to you.... yes you might not have liked what she said, but she's right. its horrible being in the position your ex is in. i know i've been there. you can't control your own future and it hurts. it really does sound to me that you don't want to be with this guy. i have been on both sides of the fence, and yes it seems as though its harder when youre the dumper. but it aint, its a million times worse being the dumpee. i can understand what you are going through, and you are being compassionate enough to consider what is best for him. but believe me - being in limbo, like he is right now is the worst possible thing for him. and only you have the ability to get him out from there. you need to make a clean break with your guy, and let him move on. OR get back together with him. you must make a decision one way or another. just how many successful relationships ever have this sort of thing happen with them? hardly any methinks.
j5h1978 Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 My girlfriend of 1.5 years did the exact same thing to me. All you are doing is sending mixed signals and screwing with his head. That is what she recently did with me. If you want know how it feels to be on the other end, post an email address or something so we can talk.
HoldOn Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 I think you should break up with him and move on. Your feeling for him obviously aren't very strong. But I also wanted to comment on "We have realized that we don't need to see each other everyday if we don't want to. We can go out with friends with out each other and that we don't have to be with each other every waking moment of the day. " I think it is a misconception that couples have to spend every ding-dong day together and couples can't do things separately. I see my bf 2-4 nights per week and I go out with my friends at least once a week (by myself). Even when you are married you need alone time.
Author Chelle0582 Posted July 28, 2004 Author Posted July 28, 2004 I want to thank everyone for their advice! I really respect everybody's point of view. Just to let you know my boyfriend and I are doing great we have been having a ton of fun with each ! I honestly think that taking that short amount of time has help us out in a huge way. I am very sorry j5H1978 that you have to go through that! I would like for you to know that I was not messing with his head at all! and I have been on the other side and I do know how bad it hurts that is why I was very upset about it all. Fortunately for us it was the best thing for our situation. It may not be the answer for everyone else's situations. But I would be glad to talk to you about it more. "I think it is a misconception that couples have to spend every ding-dong day together and couples can't do things separately. I see my bf 2-4 nights per week and I go out with my friends at least once a week (by myself). Even when you are married you need alone time." I couldn't agree with you more HoldOn! But unfortunately we had to go almost 3 years before we realized it. It is better late than never right?..lol. I guess it was because I was only 19 when we started dating, so every where I went it was with him because I couldn't get in by myself. Again Thank you!
HoldOn Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 I couldn't agree with you more HoldOn! Hey Thanks! When you are in a good relationship, you can maintain your independence while strengthening your relationship with your guy. Make sure to have your own life and your relationship will improve ten fold! Good luck! I hope you always try to keep your bf's feelings in mind.
Author Chelle0582 Posted July 28, 2004 Author Posted July 28, 2004 I have totally realized that now! and it definitely makes a world of difference in a relationship! Just like you I see him 3-4 Times a week go out with my friends once and take a gym class on the other. That is another thing I started this great class and I tell you when I am done all stress that I have gets worked out of me !! I totally recommend going to the gym when you feel stressed or down in the dumps about something. Even if you don't feel like it, you will feel so much better when you are done!!!!
grace22 Posted September 1, 2004 Posted September 1, 2004 chelle~ Just to let you know, I read everything from start to finish with your posts and repiles. This is what I have to say about it. I think that you are in a pickle. Im not trying to attack you or anything so dont get your panties in a wad. This is why they have these forums in the first place...to hear things that others have to say. I know your kind, I was you about a year ago. My man and I spent every waking moment together and I felt the same as you said you did. And this gets freaky...I told everyone things were great after my few days apart from him and told them we were doing fine. I wanted to believe that so badly and I thought if I kept telling myself that , that things would actually get better. I also met my man when I was 18. He treated me so great and I loved him to the stars, but as time went on I became numb to his charm. I was tired of feeling like I was" just there" while thinking there might be a bettter plan for my life. I ignored those thoughts and we ended up moving in with eachother, which at first was gerat because it was both of our firsts with moving out away from our parents. I am 22 now going to be 23 in December, and it took me about 3 months to realize that after moving in with him that things were still not good for me. I wanted to tell him so badly but I didnt want to hurt him again and not to mention sticking him in a situation of haing to move back in with his parents because he could not afford our place alone. I did love him, but not like I should...it was more of a friend thing. He was a drinker and that didnt help. He was never mean to me when he woudl drink but it was so annoying that I was embarassed to hang out with him around my friends or family because he was an A** hole and didnt even realize it. Yea sure, it was funny sometimes but it had a huge effect on how I looked at him. I told him how I felt and he said that he was sorry I felt that way, but he really did want me to be happy so he let me go. We still talk and are friends. He has a room mate so he is in our old place still. I moved in with a friend of mine and things are sooooo much better now. I am actually happy now. I thought that few days was enough for me to explore myself and figure out who I am and who I wanted to be in life, but OMG...no it was not even long enough. It has been about 6 months now and things are really starting to look up for me. Him too, he found this great girl and I am so happy for him. He needs to have someone though, as where I have realized that untill I am happy on my own I will never be happy with anyone else and I dont want to depend on a guy to make me feel good about myself. so this is my advise to you. Stop pretending that thigs are OK, you ae wasting your time. I have this gift of reading between the lines with people I dont know, and Im telling you to take a good look inside and really do some soul searching to see if he is really right for you. Dont think about how it will hurt him, or what other people will think if you are not with him. Think about yourself for a few seconds. It seems like you really are too concerned on what other people think and how you can help them when they need you. You need you right now, so listen to that. Be there and listen to your head. I will never understand why people always say "follow your heart". That is the sillyst thing I have ever heard. how are you supposed to do that when the problem lies within your head? You can control who you love. Love is a choice. You choose to love this person. You choose to start talking to him and then choose to give him your number to call you so you can talk some more and get to know him better, and you choose to see him every day. Follow your head is what Im saying. I think something is still there that is bothering you about it all and I suggest you take care of it now before things get worse and harder to let go. Let me knwo what you think about it:) Grace22
snilljente Posted September 1, 2004 Posted September 1, 2004 I don't think that it is fair to post on here for "advice" and then get mad when someone gives you their opinions...the whole point of a place like this is to do just that, share opinions. You are taking a risk by letting him go..you could work on yourself while you are with him (i.e. individual counseling), not risk losing him and not break his heart. As someone who is divorced and wanted more than anything to work out my marriage, I would never intentionally risk losing such a good thing. That's only my opinion!!
Author Chelle0582 Posted September 2, 2004 Author Posted September 2, 2004 Well I would like to thank you guys for reading my posts. There is some really good advice. My boyfriend and I are doing fantastic. I still think that the space apart was a good thing. I have definitely I take allot of my stress out on our relationship and it wasn't fair. I would also lie to give you guys a little bit more understanding to what I mean when I say stress! If you read the first post you will see that I keep mentioning a "year and a half". Well I am referring to how long it had been since my Mother passed away. She passed away suddenly on Easter Sunday of 2003 and that really took a toll on me. Not only had I lived with her up until I was 18. I still saw her almost everyday, She was my best friend. So I get very emotional around birthdays, holidays or when I just simply miss her. At the time that she passed away I was living with my BF and his family and had been for about 7 months prior. After she passed away my Father felt that he needed to take care of me. So he bought a home close to me and I moved in with him. I mean that is great and all but I hadn't lived with my father since I was 2 years old. Neither has my older brother or my 2 younger half siblings. Soon after I moved in with him I realized that he was not that father I knew him as. He had no clue how to be a friend, father, and parent and the fact that I was a girl didn't help that. I also realized that we were two totally different people. He was always angry never happy with anything. So being around that constantly it started to bring me down also and there were allot of other things too. Like the fact that he drank allot. So you never really knew what kind of mood he was in. I mean PLEASE don't get me wrong I love him very much, we are just different people. Also at the time I wrote the post my older brother got called up for active duty and was going to be leaving for Iraq for at least a year. Now this is the one person that understood exactly where I was coming from and he was leaving and possibly could never come back. On top of that he has a 2-year-old son, which absolutely adored him. So this really scared me! Then I had just gotten out of the hospital for chronic chest spasms later to find out were caused by stress. So with all this going on I was clearly overwhelmed. My plate was full more like overflowing!!! So it wasn't that I didn't want to be with him it was that I just wanted to be alone. Everything is soooooo different now (in a good way). We talk so much more now. I tell him when I am felling sad and he helps me through it. And instead of assuming that he won't understand how I feel because he hasn't gone through what I have. I give him a chance to try to understand and realize that he has gone through it, with me. We just moved into our new home together (yesterday) and we have been having so much fun. I want to thank you again for all of the advice (even though I didn't like some...lol...SORRY!) I hope you understand a little bit more about what I have gone through and why I chose things some people don't necessarily think is right. Thank you all for reading this
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