Married Males do this, WHY?

[Robert Z]

Op is not your former wife and some men go to strip clubs because they like it and feel entitled to it. Many of these men would not want their partners to have the same freedom. OP is in a bad situation looking for help. You don't have bring your vindictiveness into her thread.

 

It is a fact. Sorry if you cant take it. I didn't go to strip clubs until long after we split and then only to see what it's all about. What I said is what most any stripper will tell you.

Edited September 8, 2012 by Robert Z

[Robert Z]

You can't help someone by pretending a lie is true. She was giving a conflicting account of the facts. What you all want to do is to villify this guy. Okay, maybe he is a total prick, but then why did the OP marry him and why is she even trying? Since she's here he must have once been a nice guy. Right? So what happened? Your solution is to just blame him. That is a cop out. If the OP really wants help, the first thing is to stop allowing women to explain men's thinking.

[angie2443]

It is a fact. Sorry if you cant take it. I didn't go to strip clubs until long after we split and then only to see what it's all about. What I said is what most any stripper will tell you.

 

You seem very full of yourself to me. You come accross to me as such an angry person that I don't take what you say that seriously. There are many facts when it comes to things married people do. In this case, it's obvious that the OP is bieng treated poorly. I wonder if you're even reading her posts. It seems like you took one thing out of it, and turned it into another way to rant about women not providing their husbands with sex. You know, you can always start another thread if you need to vent more about your past situation.

[TaraMaiden]

SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT MEN BEING 9-YEAR-OLDS - !!??!

 

Nobody believes me!

Well here's LIVING proof - !!

 

People think I'm anti-men - I'm not - !!

I'm anti-men-behaving-like-petulant-spoilt-little-brats!!!

[angie2443]

Okay, maybe he is a total prick, but then why did the OP marry him and why is she even trying? Since she's here he must have once been a nice guy. Right? .

 

 

Wrong! Many abusive people know to hide their nasty side untill a commitment from their partner is made. This may be pregnancy, marriage, buying a house with them, etc. This idea that the man (or woman) must have become abusive because of something that happened with their partner is one thing that keeps women (or men) in these situations so confused and stuck.

 

I don't know if the OP's partner fits the profile above or not, but I'd be very suprised if he didn't.

[I'm nuts]

again he had all the freedom in the world with the stripclub thing if you read my first thread ever, and that resulted in me waiting in a car for hours maybe 3 and half hours, 3 am(club closes at 2 230 latest unless your buying vip's lapdances)

I go in and say hey lets go you said you'd be in just to say goodbye"

since the party or bar scene always moves next door to the stripclub.

 

and the one time I dont attend a stripclub with him he buys a lapdance for himself. a year ago I would buy them. but after that I mentioned it was messing with my self esteem that we can still join his friends but we need to cool it off, basically telling myself to stop buying him lap dances. A year later we still are going there off and on because its the only place his friend ever wants to go! its close to his friends house and has a another seperate BAR next to it where we would play pool.

 

This is an instance where I went out of my boundaries so that he can still have fun, I was attempting to be fun wife. By the way everytime I baught them for him in the past he said "NO NO" it embarrassed him. I thought this is what sexy wives do. like I said I stopped, and then a year later its like, this.

 

I had to drag him home take care of his hangovers and other things I dont even want to mention again.

 

I appreciate your input and hope you advise again because the users on here are my only hope next to marriage counseling. Im not going to call my family and ask them, and not going to throw him under the bus and tell my friends so they can give me advice they have no experience in. so thanks:)

 

Do I feel sorry for you and I'm a bloke, jeez, going to strip clubs, you're mad, strip clubs are for losers.

[I'm nuts]

Wrong! Many abusive people know to hide their nasty side untill a commitment from their partner is made. This may be pregnancy, marriage, buying a house with them, etc.

 

Yep, spot on.

 

Plus a bit of blindness and infatuation thrown in beforehand.

[xxoo]

SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT MEN BEING 9-YEAR-OLDS - !!??!

 

Nobody believes me!

Well here's LIVING proof - !!

 

People think I'm anti-men - I'm not - !!

I'm anti-men-behaving-like-petulant-spoilt-little-brats!!!

 

Not "men", tara, some men. It is insulting to men to characterize this as normal male behavior.

 

Some women are very childish, too.

[TaraMaiden]

wrong thread.....

[TaraMaiden]

Not "men", tara, some men. It is insulting to men to characterize this as normal male behavior.

 

Some women are very childish, too.

 

Some women are, you're quite right.

I wish I was wrong about the men though. But in my long and varied experience, I haven't come across a single one to disprove that theory. My brothers and dad included.

There's a "Kid" button that flicks for some reason, and I don't know what it is.

Women have different issues, I grant you.

But Men?

Men seem to manifest this all the time.

I've lived for long and steady relationships with 6 of them. All of them, without exception, reverted to this kind of behaviour. Current H. included.

I've even had one stomping his foot and storming out of the room. God, I pictured him in grey shorts and school cap....

[angie2443]

Not "men", tara, some men. It is insulting to men to characterize this as normal male behavior.

 

Some women are very childish, too.

 

Actually, now that I have children, I find it insulting to use the word "childish" to describe such pathetic behavior from adults. Even my smallest boy, not yet four, has a sense of decency and a desire to help and do what's right. Yes, he has his moments, but he is still growing up. From most other kids I've seen, I think this is the norm. As far as these adults who manipulate with lies and threats and other controlling behavior, they know what they're are doing.

[TaraMaiden]

I've had children too. Which is why I recognise "Childish" behaviour.

 

But you're right about some children being older than their years"....

[angie2443]

I've had children too. Which is why I recognise "Childish" behaviour.

 

But you're right about some children being older than their years"....

 

I think there is a big differance between an adult stomping their feet to get their way, and a child doing the same. The adult knows what they are doing. They know that certain tactics can intimidate, confuse or lower another's confidence and they use these so called "childish behaviors" (tactics) for that reason. Children, on the other hand, often haven't learned to handle their feelings. Also, they don't know the long term consequences of some of their behaviors, an adult does.

 

I'm not talking about older kids who have become bullies. These kids usually learn their behavior from one of their parents or other family members. I'm thinking of normal, child like behavior.

[xxoo]

Some women are, you're quite right.

I wish I was wrong about the men though. But in my long and varied experience, I haven't come across a single one to disprove that theory. My brothers and dad included.

There's a "Kid" button that flicks for some reason, and I don't know what it is.

Women have different issues, I grant you.

But Men?

Men seem to manifest this all the time.

I've lived for long and steady relationships with 6 of them. All of them, without exception, reverted to this kind of behaviour. Current H. included.

I've even had one stomping his foot and storming out of the room. God, I pictured him in grey shorts and school cap....

 

That makes me wonder if you and other women in your family tend to "mother" your male partners.

 

Sitting outside a strip club as the designated driver, for example, and then going in to tell him when it is time to go home (as the op did) seems like stepping into "mother" role to me.

[BetheButterfly]

Married Males do this? s friend and NOW my friend invite us and when I say INVITE I mean BEG and wont take no for an answer to come hang out with them at the stripclub. It is located in town near his friend but 20 miles from us, so cabbing it to avoid a dui is about 40 bucks each way.

 

My husband doesnt want to go, but everytime I ask him

"why dont you just tell your friend that you dont want to??"

 

My husband has freedom to do whatever he wishes but we recently agreed that stripclubs and lapdances mess with my self esteem too much.

 

he never volunteered to go to the clubs, he's content hiking, fishing with me, playing video games, and just plain relaxing not going to work.

 

So when I ask him why he doesnt just tell his friend, I do so in a calm voice, with NO attitude, and he says " you have to ruin every weekend don't you, your so crazy"

 

I then defend myself and just start falling apart because I am following the rules he created about being calm and not "over reacting".

 

now he's on the couch, im in the bedroom, trying to figure out what i did wrong?

 

please tell me what I should say is wrong?

when there is a issue, you dismiss me, and then insult me and my sanity, when I defend myself you, mock me and tell me I am being crazy...

 

the issue becomes the starting place for the next bigger issue, that you treat me like im crazy.

 

please help i cant do this much longer i feel like im being gaslighted goodness

 

I am sorry. That is horrible that he is attacking you and insulting you just because you are not comfortable with him going to strip clubs.

 

It's one thing to call someone crazy as a joke, but it's totally another for calling someone crazy and saying you ruin the weekend. This is just a mean-hearted stab at you.

 

If I were you, I'd tell him, "Fine, go even though you say you don't want to go. As for me, I'm going to my parents' house. When you're ready to go to counseling with me in order to work on our communication skills, call me. If not, feel free to start the divorce papers."

 

Then I would start packing. See how he reacts. If he gets violent, call the police. If he wakes up and apologizes and shows he truly loves you, then make sure to acknowledge that neither of you are perfect and that he is an amazing husband, to listen to you and care for you more than for going to a strip club with guys.

[Sauron]

Freckas:

 

You heard counseling, one said you should dump him and get a divorce, kind of extreme I would say. My reccomendation to you is next weekend, go to an ATM get a couple a hundred bucks, get a taxi or limo lined up tell your husband you have a mystery date, dress up as sexy as you can, maybe a little slutty and take him to the strip club yourself. Buy him shots and let him get a little wasted, YOU pick out a stripper or 2 and buy him a lap dance and while you watch you whisper something carnal in his ear about what you would like to do with him, while she is grinding on him, most likely turn you both on so much that if he's not to drunk by the time you get home, you will have great sex. Plus it's cheaper and less time consuming than counseling or divorce. I would imagine when he wakes up the next morning he will be in a completely different mood, and pretty much be in awe of you.

[angie2443]

That makes me wonder if you and other women in your family tend to "mother" your male partners.

 

Sitting outside a strip club as the designated driver, for example, and then going in to tell him when it is time to go home (as the op did) seems like stepping into "mother" role to me.

 

This sounds more like a servant role to me. Most mothers I know do not sacrifice their self worth to give their sons things they know they don't need.

[BetheButterfly]

Freckas:

 

You heard counseling, one said you should dump him and get a divorce, kind of extreme I would say. My reccomendation to you is next weekend, go to an ATM get a couple a hundred bucks, get a taxi or limo lined up tell your husband you have a mystery date, dress up as sexy as you can, maybe a little slutty and take him to the strip club yourself. Buy him shots and let him get a little wasted, YOU pick out a stripper or 2 and buy him a lap dance and while you watch you whisper something carnal in his ear about what you would like to do with him, while she is grinding on him, most likely turn you both on so much that if he's not to drunk by the time you get home, you will have great sex. Plus it's cheaper and less time consuming than counseling or divorce. I would imagine when he wakes up the next morning he will be in a completely different mood, and pretty much be in awe of you.

 

She wrote, "My husband has freedom to do whatever he wishes but we recently agreed that stripclubs and lapdances mess with my self esteem too much."

 

People are diverse. She does not feel comfortable with him visiting stripclubs and having lapdances. I understand because I am the same way. I would not marry a man who wanted to stripclubs. Thankfully, I have a husband who doesn't go to stripclubs and doesn't have friends who peer pressure him into going. He also doesn't accuse me of being crazy or ruining his weekend.

 

My husband is in awe of me and loves and adores me because we have a wonderful connection and have fun together. Because he loves me and knows me very well, he would be very concerned if I pretended to be someone I'm not and pretend to have a date with someone else and take him to a lapdance. Why? He knows I'm not like that. Now, he also knows I want to take belly-dancing lessons in order to dance for him. I don't need to do what you suggested for my husband to be in "awe" of me. She doesn't either. If he truly loves her, he will understand her and accept her for who she is.

[Sauron]

If you only knew how and what we husbands really think...I suppose counseling and divorce are much better suggestions.

[BetheButterfly]

I've never personally known an adult male to act like that. Mocking, pouting, behaving like a petulant child.

 

Agreed. Adult females shouldn't act like that either. if I behaved like that, I wouldn't want to be married to myself! My husband and I both make sure not to insult each other or be rude to each other.

 

He wants to go to the strip club. He's pouting because he isn't getting his way. If you want to understand his thinking imagine he's 12, because that's how he's acting... but no, don't get sucked into thinking that all married men act like this.

 

Agreed. Today in fact I asked my husband not to watch something that he was watching because it bothered me. I didn't force him not to (I can't... he's 220 muscly lbs and taller than me lol.) He didn't call me crazy or that I ruined anything, he just said, "Ok" and did something else. Now, he could have kept watching, but he knew that I was bothered (it was about black magic and I don't like hearing about that kind of thing) ... he was interested in learning about it even though he doesn't believe it exists. However, he knew it bothered me when I told him, and he doesn't want to hurt me in any way, so he turned it off and started drawing (he is a very creative artist in his spare time.)

 

When I do things that bother him, he tells me and I try not to. For example, it bothers him if I eat at night. So, I try not to. Why? I know he doesn't want me to gain weight and eating at night is something that he considers to be bad for my health.

 

Marriage = commitment to each other where communication and consideration is very important!

[TaraMaiden]

That makes me wonder if you and other women in your family tend to "mother" your male partners.

 

Is that to me....?

For my part?

 

God forbid! My H. Had a mother, and frankly If I fulfil that role, it's in his eyes - not mine!

I've had my kids, and that was enough, without me resorting to that as well!

[angie2443]

If you only knew how and what we husbands really think...I suppose counseling and divorce are much better suggestions.

 

You do not represent most men. It would be an insult, in my opinion, to all the decent men out there to think that they all think like you.

[TaraMaiden]

I think there is a big differance between an adult stomping their feet to get their way, and a child doing the same. The adult knows what they are doing. They know that certain tactics can intimidate, confuse or lower another's confidence and they use these so called "childish behaviors" (tactics) for that reason. Children, on the other hand, often haven't learned to handle their feelings. Also, they don't know the long term consequences of some of their behaviors, an adult does.

 

I'm not talking about older kids who have become bullies. These kids usually learn their behavior from one of their parents or other family members. I'm thinking of normal, child like behavior.

No, I actually believe there's a part of men that actually never grows up.

 

 

This is just me, just my experience, just my theory.

Unfortunately for me, I haven't been proven wrong yet.

[Sauron]

Most men are like me, if they still have there testes, you just never here about it. The tell you they don't go to strip clubs, but when they are out of town, they let there inner child riun wild, especially the repressed ones that have naggy, controlling wives. Hopefully the OP is not one of those.

[xxoo]

I don't agree with abe's whole post, but I do agree with this:

 

Just say "no". "No honey I do NOT want you to go to strip clubs anymore, period." There, you see? It has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with his friend.

 

Have you ever said just that, Freckas?

 

If not, why not?

 

And why have you bent so far backwards to be ok with the strip club thing (to the point of waiting for him in the parking lot as a dd), when you aren't ok with it?