Married Males do this, WHY?

[Freckas]

Married Males do this? s friend and NOW my friend invite us and when I say INVITE I mean BEG and wont take no for an answer to come hang out with them at the stripclub. It is located in town near his friend but 20 miles from us, so cabbing it to avoid a dui is about 40 bucks each way.

 

My husband doesnt want to go, but everytime I ask him

"why dont you just tell your friend that you dont want to??"

 

My husband has freedom to do whatever he wishes but we recently agreed that stripclubs and lapdances mess with my self esteem too much.

 

he never volunteered to go to the clubs, he's content hiking, fishing with me, playing video games, and just plain relaxing not going to work.

 

So when I ask him why he doesnt just tell his friend, I do so in a calm voice, with NO attitude, and he says " you have to ruin every weekend don't you, your so crazy"

 

I then defend myself and just start falling apart because I am following the rules he created about being calm and not "over reacting".

 

now he's on the couch, im in the bedroom, trying to figure out what i did wrong?

 

please tell me what I should say is wrong?

when there is a issue, you dismiss me, and then insult me and my sanity, when I defend myself you, mock me and tell me I am being crazy...

 

the issue becomes the starting place for the next bigger issue, that you treat me like im crazy.

 

please help i cant do this much longer i feel like im being gaslighted goodness

[Freckas]

someone please help me

[2sure]

Oh god I hate that crap. It's a behavior that I've always had trouble putting into words, but you did it. Too agressive for passive aggressive, too vague to actually have a direct conversation about.

 

He doesn't want to go either way, but wants to make it your fault. He wants to be a martyr and stay home because you don't want to go.

 

Calling you crazy is just part of the entertainment or him.

 

Leave him on the couch , tell him when he's done pouting he is welcome in the bedroom. But not before.

[2sunny]

It seems as though he's mad that you won't let him go.

 

Has he gone in the past?

[Freckas]

He hasn't been himself the whole night, body language and you know when someone is mad at you they give you the silent treatment. I followed his rules and kept my cool, then he said if you had more self esteem you would be better- he said this while mocking my posture, a retort to my question.

 

I had asked him why is my valid question off limits. why is it talking in circles if I just want to alleviate any doubt to why this happens every weekend.

 

All i wanted to do was verify that he infact had told the friend no he cant go to stripclubs anymore.

 

after ignoring me Iwent to gas station to buy ciggarettes (though i quit)

and came back he was still putting a pillow on the left side of the face which blocked me from his view before i had left he put the pillow over his face in a suffocating motion.

 

This guy wow im in pain he thinks im badgering him when I request politely a polite response.

 

what do i do, i dont want to be a black and white thinker, but I dont like people who punish others for wantings to talk and understand each other, i can be with someone who deems certain subjects off limits.

 

when he said Im ruining the weekend , I asked "what did I say wrong"

he mimiced and mocked me and said raised his voice and said "what did I SAY WRONG??"

 

The look of disgust in his eyes kind of horrified me, because this is the man that is breaking all his own rules one after another.

 

the rules:

dont have an attititude

dont raise volume

dont repeat myself

 

keep in mind if I do these things which i did in the beginning of our marriage- then i learned to not be agressive because my issues were never settled he would get me on what i call "techinicalities" now that I have eleminated all those and I ask nicely, (not sarcastically) things have changed.

 

new things are happening like

if a certain subject is brought up like

"hope your friend doesn't call you at last minute as always to

come to the strip club"

he clams up and just ignores me for a hour minimum.

 

im really concerned for my mental health, I have been seeing a therapist, mostly because I was socially anxious and depressed, she is aware and says that I need to stop giving him these reactions.

 

what happens to other women when they stop giving the person reactions,

because for me its silent treatment the whole weekend which I can not stay in that environent.

 

does anyone know what I can say

Ive already told him "it was worth it for me to confirm that he asked him to not invite to the stripclub, so we dont have to have this awkwardness every weekend"

 

what kind of verbiage is used when you want the silent treatment to be overwith, i didn't know adults acted this way-me included.

 

its pathetic

[carhill]

How long have you been married?

 

Married males engage in this behavior because it was/is how they were socialized and it has been validated enough as an adult to become their default behavior pattern. Absent sufficient impetus to change, he'll die with the behavior pattern.

[2sunny]

I'd state my feelings clearly.

 

IF I were married to a man that taunted me and mimicked me for wanting to have a decent conversation - id divorce him for treating me so poorly.

 

He wants to go

You want to control him

He wants to resent you for controlling behavior

 

 

It's all a power struggle.

 

It's a no win situation.

 

I'd guest counseling.

[rcgj]

im 23 yrs old i been to a bunch of strip clubs.but because my friends tell me to go not because i want to...i dont want to be a "sell out"...i just dont see the point..my what is ex gf now..always tried to make me go to the club and stuff like that but ill rather just stay home.

 

 

i on the other hand tell her to go to the club with her friends...but deep down inside me i dont want her to go..

 

maybe you really dont want him to go but dont want to seem like youre trying to control him or tell him how to live his life..you dont want to seem like a bad person to avoid arguing..etc

[threebyfate]

Consider past and current patterns. Has he always acted like a child rebelling against his mother? Were you always the caregiver/maternal figure in the relationship?

[I'm nuts]

Didn't you know he likes to go to these kind of joints & shows this kind of behavior before you got married?

[standtall]

Freckas, it sounds like a control thing to me.

[Robert Z]

My husband has freedom to do whatever he wishes but we recently agreed that stripclubs and lapdances mess with my self esteem too much.

 

he never volunteered to go to the clubs, he's content hiking, fishing with me, playing video games, and just plain relaxing not going to work.

 

So when I ask him why he doesnt just tell his friend, I do so in a calm voice, with NO attitude, and he says " you have to ruin every weekend don't you, your so crazy"

 

I am hearing double-talk, so I think you need to be more honest with yourself. He is free to do what he wants but agreed not to go to stripclubs. You don't see a contradiction here? Why did he have to agree if he is free to do what he wants? Then you have a problem when you mention strip clubs. Hmmmm, I don't suppose 1 + 1 = 2?

 

My guess is that you have put a leash on him and he resents it. Some men get addicted to clubs. Or, clubbing may be the only real connection that he has with his friends and you have isolated him.

[Robert Z]

Men don't act this way for no reason. For some reason he resents you. And I don't hear you being honest. I think you are trying to pretend clubbing isn't the problem, when by all appearances it is.

[Robert Z]

Here is another clue about strip clubs. Lap dances are for married, not single men. Generally speaking, men want lap dancers when they are sexually unsatisfied at home. It is the closest thing to cheating, without actually cheating.

[angie2443]

Didn't you know he likes to go to these kind of joints & shows this kind of behavior before you got married?

 

I have no idea how her husband acted before they were married, but many people are on their best behavior untill they feel they have the other person hooked (marriage, pregnancy, whatever) and then they let their real self out. Also, certain "single" behaviors naturally fade whan people become married and grow up a bit. Well, they fade for most.

[angie2443]

Here is another clue about strip clubs. Lap dances are for married, not single men. Generally speaking, men want lap dancers when they are sexually unsatisfied at home. It is the closest thing to cheating, without actually cheating.

 

 

Op is not your former wife and some men go to strip clubs because they like it and feel entitled to it. Many of these men would not want their partners to have the same freedom. OP is in a bad situation looking for help. You don't have bring your vindictiveness into her thread.

[angie2443]

It's borderline abusive and you have "rules" about the way you can speak to him? Yeah, um no. I'd leave his stupid @ss for that. It's not healthy.

.

 

I looked at the OP again after reading this. This man is abusive. Abuse is a way to obtain control over another, and this is the purpose of his manipulative words and "rules" about how you can speak to him. Men like this rarely, rarely change and staying with him could eventually destroy who you are.

[xxoo]

now he's on the couch, im in the bedroom, trying to figure out what i did wrong?

 

You married a child.

 

Either he wants to go to the strip clubs, and is too much of a child to tell you that directly, so he uses his friend as an excuse.

 

Or he is too much of a child to put his wife first, and disappoint his friend.

 

The silent treatment is more childishness. I don't think I could tolerate it.

[Freckas]

How long have you been married?

 

Married males engage in this behavior because it was/is how they were socialized and it has been validated enough as an adult to become their default behavior pattern. Absent sufficient impetus to change, he'll die with the behavior pattern.

 

I am new so forgive my ettiquette on the reply title I am replying to your question, and thank you for taking the time to help

 

We have been married 5 years and friends for 7.

This is a a reaccuring theme. Ive done research and looked up communication methods there is one marital site that has you say what you think the partner means then verify its empathetic listening aswell. but yes its still happening.

 

the issues change BUT the way we handle them does not.

Hes not a macho macho guy hes your average guy he doesnt forbid me from speaking my mind but when we discuss he aut declares it a fight, when he says something that I said or did he feels is the reason or cause and I rebuttal that Im going in circles. and its a vicious cycle.

 

I want to defend certain points only the ones that are worth it and that prove that Im only talking about them to clear the air. thats just how my brain works its closure. he is content on me showing up with a smle 10 minutes later acting like nothing happens.

 

I want to discuss some things like this stupid stripclub deal because it happens everyweekend to me I feel like if we understand each other its worth talking about so I dont have to look at him strange when we are at a movie and his friend is ringing his phone and texting saying " come out to _ _ _ _ ies, with me man"

 

The whole argument is "its not your fault your friend doesn't get the hint, but why don't you answer it and just tell him like you said you told him already NO"

[Freckas]

You married a child.

 

Either he wants to go to the strip clubs, and is too much of a child to tell you that directly, so he uses his friend as an excuse.

 

Or he is too much of a child to put his wife first, and disappoint his friend.

 

The silent treatment is more childishness. I don't think I could tolerate it.

 

wow this is how I feel, because when the last time he went I stayed in car for hours, came in and said " I want to go home" I was the default DD here.

 

he looks to his friend and his friend could see my anxious ness more than he could, cause he was drunk probably. and his friend told him "go man its ok"

 

damn right its ok you let me sit out in a car, while I waited on you to say goodbyes and here you are getting lapdances and shooting the ****??

 

so yeah he listend to his friend, and yea he wont tell his friend I dont believe he has told his friend that its ruining our marriage, with late night invites to the stripclub.

[Freckas]

Oh god I hate that crap. It's a behavior that I've always had trouble putting into words, but you did it. Too agressive for passive aggressive, too vague to actually have a direct conversation about.

 

He doesn't want to go either way, but wants to make it your fault. He wants to be a martyr and stay home because you don't want to go.

 

Calling you crazy is just part of the entertainment or him.

 

Leave him on the couch , tell him when he's done pouting he is welcome in the bedroom. But not before.

 

If I did leave him on the couch he would be content ignoring me all weekend its almost like a game to him but I dont want to accuse him of doing that cause it could be me, that why I need help if I let it go it wont work... maybe thats the truth if you let something go and it doesnt work it wasnt good anyways? I dont want to leave just because our communication skills arnt working, we have a very passionate relationship, and its just so strange that he can literally throw me away at the drop of a dime or mention of this.

 

It DOES sound like Im talking it to death I know that but when you want to clear the air with spouse and they refuse you that what can you do but be mistunderstood.

[Freckas]

Here is another clue about strip clubs. Lap dances are for married, not single men. Generally speaking, men want lap dancers when they are sexually unsatisfied at home. It is the closest thing to cheating, without actually cheating.

 

again he had all the freedom in the world with the stripclub thing if you read my first thread ever, and that resulted in me waiting in a car for hours maybe 3 and half hours, 3 am(club closes at 2 230 latest unless your buying vip's lapdances)

I go in and say hey lets go you said you'd be in just to say goodbye"

since the party or bar scene always moves next door to the stripclub.

 

and the one time I dont attend a stripclub with him he buys a lapdance for himself. a year ago I would buy them. but after that I mentioned it was messing with my self esteem that we can still join his friends but we need to cool it off, basically telling myself to stop buying him lap dances. A year later we still are going there off and on because its the only place his friend ever wants to go! its close to his friends house and has a another seperate BAR next to it where we would play pool.

 

This is an instance where I went out of my boundaries so that he can still have fun, I was attempting to be fun wife. By the way everytime I baught them for him in the past he said "NO NO" it embarrassed him. I thought this is what sexy wives do. like I said I stopped, and then a year later its like, this.

 

I had to drag him home take care of his hangovers and other things I dont even want to mention again.

 

I appreciate your input and hope you advise again because the users on here are my only hope next to marriage counseling. Im not going to call my family and ask them, and not going to throw him under the bus and tell my friends so they can give me advice they have no experience in. so thanks:)

[Freckas]

I've never personally known an adult male to act like that. Mocking, pouting, behaving like a petulant child.

 

It's borderline abusive and you have "rules" about the way you can speak to him? Yeah, um no. I'd leave his stupid @ss for that. It's not healthy.

 

He wants to go to the strip club. He's pouting because he isn't getting his way. If you want to understand his thinking imagine he's 12, because that's how he's acting... but no, don't get sucked into thinking that all married men act like this.

 

Im trying to stay and it looks like I can if I dont bring up things that are contraversial

[xxoo]

wow this is how I feel, because when the last time he went I stayed in car for hours, came in and said " I want to go home" I was the default DD here.

 

he looks to his friend and his friend could see my anxious ness more than he could, cause he was drunk probably. and his friend told him "go man its ok"

 

damn right its ok you let me sit out in a car, while I waited on you to say goodbyes and here you are getting lapdances and shooting the ****??

 

so yeah he listend to his friend, and yea he wont tell his friend I dont believe he has told his friend that its ruining our marriage, with late night invites to the stripclub.

 

Freckas, there is something very off about you sitting in a parking lot, outside a strip club, as your own husband's designated driver to the club. It is the height of disrespect from him toward you, and also from you toward yourself. Why would you agree to that?

 

He doesn't respect you. You need to respect yourself enough to say, with no wavering, "This is not acceptable to me. Either we go to marriage counseling, or I am leaving."

[Freckas]

Op is not your former wife and some men go to strip clubs because they like it and feel entitled to it. Many of these men would not want their partners to have the same freedom. OP is in a bad situation looking for help. You don't have bring your vindictiveness into her thread.

 

No my husband has actually warned me: when you lose weight now don't go thinking your going to wear crazy @$$ clothes like these girls do bending over and showing thier @$$HOLES when they take thier garbage out.

 

I even asked him what would he think If I became a stripper since before my weight gain since( I was naked all the time and an exhibitionist so to speak.

 

When we met he told me to cover up my cleavage because it looked as attractive as mens asscracks. That was back then, and its true I wore really low cut shirts when I was single and when I was out at a bar, because I was younger and that was the fashion and to attract men.

 

its sad when I read my quotings of my husband it does sound like he is a hypocrite controlling person. Sadly im willing to give up that major point and realization for someone that will just be an adult when I approach them on subjects.

 

Its truly a sad day when you start to think you outgrew the love of your life.

 

We could live a happy life, but if disagreements arise, it doesnt matter how passionate we are. cause the arguments are standstill killers like they just plain ruin the day time consuming.

 

What should I do write a pros and con list on my own husband.

 

I love him but he doesnt love me enough to give me the time aday unless he's on board with the subject.

 

has anyone attended marriage counseling is it strange to have to throw each other under the bus ?? and then leave and go home like that leaving the counselor and carrying on throughout the whole week, it feels like that would really be painful to me mentally and emotionally