n989 Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Hi, Just need some advice, I was seeing a guy for a couple of months, things were going really well- he was super keen, would message constantly and then out of the blue he started making busy with work excuses, he then disappeared completely. It has been two weeks since I have heard from him, is there any point in writing a letter? I'm not doing it out of anger, to try and bring him back or even get an apology. I don't even want answers. I guess I just want him to know how I feel and that disappearing like that is not ok. This is what I have written so far... Hope you are having a great week and everything is well with you. Was just having a bit of a think tonight and thought I would message you...you are a really decent guy and wouldn't mean to hurt anyone but I think you need to know that I was kind of upset that you would make busy excuses and then just disappear. Honestly I think you are better than that. It just makes it harder to move on when guys pull **** like that. I'm not angry at you or upset anymore but I just thought I'd let you know. As I said, you are a much better guy than that and I really enjoyed the time we spent together...
strongnrelaxed Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Skip this and move on. If he left, he did so for a reason. No one else on the receiving end of a breakup ever understands the other's reasons, but they have them. Why would you think that it is "not ok" to just stop communicating? Those are YOUR rules. Men are getting sick and tired of being judged by women for such things. Women always have reasons for being upset. The best thing to do is to dig real deep and reflect on what you might have done to push him away. This doesn't mean that it is all your fault. Just that you should think about your role in this. Men usually do not leave an awesome woman despite what women tell you. This is what women say to each other to soothe the feelings of a friend. Good luck. I would let him go. 1
Calico Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 I would not send this note. It will not give you the closure that you hope for and it will only make you feel like a fool when he ignores it. Don't do this to yourself. The "vibe" of the note also contradicts the words. You don't really hope he had a great week, and you have been thinking about this not just tonight, and you don't think he's a really decent guy but an inconsiderate jerk. You are most certainly still angry and hurt (rightfully so), and you do want him to know THAT. Then you tell him again what you think he should be like, when really, his actions have already shown what he IS like. Just let it go and try to keep in mind that you're lucky to have gotten away from someone like this relatively early on. Think what it would be like if he had pulled this two or three years into a relationship. 1
Hindsight_is_20_20 Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Skip this and move on. If he left, he did so for a reason. No one else on the receiving end of a breakup ever understands the other's reasons, but they have them. Why would you think that it is "not ok" to just stop communicating? Those are YOUR rules. Men are getting sick and tired of being judged by women for such things. Women always have reasons for being upset. The best thing to do is to dig real deep and reflect on what you might have done to push him away. This doesn't mean that it is all your fault. Just that you should think about your role in this. Men usually do not leave an awesome woman despite what women tell you. This is what women say to each other to soothe the feelings of a friend. Good luck. I would let him go. This is complete BS. My ex left ALL of his girlfriends before me (yes huge red flag), and he had excuses why everyone one was not his fault. Now I realize that it wasn't them, it was him! There are guys out there that leave amazing women because they just want to go out and **** as many other awesome women while they still can. I chalked it up to immaturity but who knows. I'm not a guy. Yes, take a look at yourself and see if you contributed to the breakup and if you did, try not to carry that over to the next relationship but by all means, do not take all the blame on yourself because "guys do not leave awesome women". Oh yes they do!
strongnrelaxed Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 This is complete BS. My ex left ALL of his girlfriends before me (yes huge red flag), and he had excuses why everyone one was not his fault. Now I realize that it wasn't them, it was him! There are guys out there that leave amazing women because they just want to go out and **** as many other awesome women while they still can. I chalked it up to immaturity but who knows. I'm not a guy. Yes, take a look at yourself and see if you contributed to the breakup and if you did, try not to carry that over to the next relationship but by all means, do not take all the blame on yourself because "guys do not leave awesome women". Oh yes they do! I am not trying to convince you of anything. You can ignore my words completely. I would not be surprised at all if you did. Women do this all the time. I understand that you are upset and looking for comfort. I also understand that some women find comfort in bashing men for their problems. I also understand that there are bad men out there. I also understand that women have a hard time finding the good ones. But despite all this understanding, women still choose their mates. They engage in relationships. And they contribute to the success or failure of those relationships. The days of blaming the evil scary men is over. You can get away with it for a few more years (1 or 2) but like old people who wish Elvis was still on the radio, you will be alone in your man-hating, old and isolated. Ignore me. I am not here to convince you of anything. But I was honest with you.
Author n989 Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 Why would you think that it is "not ok" to just stop communicating? Those are YOUR rules. Men are getting sick and tired of being judged by women for such things. Women always have reasons for being upset. If you have dated for awhile then the polite thing to do is to tell a person to their face that you no longer want to see them- not disappear or make up busy excuses. That kind of crap makes moving on a whole lot harder. Men usually do not leave an awesome woman despite what women tell you. This is what women say to each other to soothe the feelings of a friend. I think some men just don't realise when they have an awesome woman in front of them, how subjective is an awesome woman anyway? One mans trash is another mans new girlfriend. I guess my reasoning behind the letter is that I don't want him to think, wow that was easy to get away with. I havn't called him or hounded him or stalked him, I think I have handled it with dignity but is really it so much to want a guy to maybe feel a little remorse for the inconsiderate, hurtful way he ended things?
Author n989 Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 I would not send this note. It will not give you the closure that you hope for and it will only make you feel like a fool when he ignores it. Don't do this to yourself. I'm not sure I would care so much if he doesn't reply. I just feel like I want to get this off my chest. I want him to know he hurt me Just let it go and try to keep in mind that you're lucky to have gotten away from someone like this relatively early on. Think what it would be like if he had pulled this two or three years into a relationship. Well I am very grateful for that!
strongnrelaxed Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 If you have dated for awhile then the polite thing to do is to tell a person to their face that you no longer want to see them- not disappear or make up busy excuses. That kind of crap makes moving on a whole lot harder. I think some men just don't realise when they have an awesome woman in front of them, how subjective is an awesome woman anyway? One mans trash is another mans new girlfriend. I guess my reasoning behind the letter is that I don't want him to think, wow that was easy to get away with. I havn't called him or hounded him or stalked him, I think I have handled it with dignity but is really it so much to want a guy to maybe feel a little remorse for the inconsiderate, hurtful way he ended things? I can imagine a whole boatload of reasons why one person should leave another with nothing said. I do not know your situation, but you might want to reflect on anything you might have done to contribute to this. Do you harp on him a lot. Do you effectively stalk him and follow him around demanding answers to questions, only to criticize him for being honest? "How DARE you say that" and "How could you say that to me" are hallmarks of this sort of behavior. I don't know how more clear I can make this. Increasing numbers ( and I mean overwhelming numbers) of men are just walking away. We have been raised with a set of horribly inaccurate beliefs and assumptions about relationships. Those myths no longer exist, except in the rarest cases. More men are just realizing that marriage is not worth it. Arguing with an emotional person (of either gender) is an insane waste of time and effort. Trying to change another person does not work. And the notion that one's own gender makes one culpable for the evils perpetrated by others no longer works. For these reasons, there are many men like me telling tens of millions of young men to stop. Do NOT get married. Get strong. Get settled. Get smart. Get protected. Get relaxed. Then and only then will they be ready for marriage. The problem is that marriage, as it is currently conceived in America is a joke. So men should NEVER get married until the marriage and divorce laws are more just to all concerned. I do not see that happening any time soon. This may be what your man was thinking when he walked away. Let him go. To do otherwise is to prove me right about all of this. Think very carefully about what I just said.
strongnrelaxed Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 I'm not sure I would care so much if he doesn't reply. I just feel like I want to get this off my chest. I want him to know he hurt me Well I am very grateful for that! Yes, I agree. Be grateful for getting away from him. I would imagine that he likely already knows how much he hurt you. Mission accomplished. Move on. I am not trying to belittle or marginalize your pain here. I have just seen so many one-sided comments that I am no longer letting this slide.
geegirl Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 I'm not sure I would care so much if he doesn't reply. I just feel like I want to get this off my chest. I want him to know he hurt me Well I am very grateful for that! Don't send it. You think he doesn't know his behavior is bad. He knows but he doesn't care. And in that sense doesn't care that it hurts you. So, whats the point in telling him it hurts you? If he cared he would have had the decency to be upfront. Don't waste your energy on a guy like this. Move on. 1
strongnrelaxed Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 This is complete BS. My ex left ALL of his girlfriends before me (yes huge red flag), and he had excuses why everyone one was not his fault. Now I realize that it wasn't them, it was him! There are guys out there that leave amazing women because they just want to go out and **** as many other awesome women while they still can. I chalked it up to immaturity but who knows. I'm not a guy. Yes, take a look at yourself and see if you contributed to the breakup and if you did, try not to carry that over to the next relationship but by all means, do not take all the blame on yourself because "guys do not leave awesome women". Oh yes they do! You are clearly upset. I understand. Women are the weaker sex for a variety of reasons. Equal in terms of human and civil rights, but very unequal in terms of accountability. At least in America. It is virtually impossible to refute this. The only exception might be pregnancy - they are accountable for that ultimately... but that too is heavily balanced by current laws against men in this regard. Very very harsh on men. Look it up and you will see. Women do all sorts of sick and bizarre things to men and they think it is perfectly acceptable. In fact, in popular culture (movies, tv, etc) they laugh regularly at things like: - Men getting kicked in the genitals - Genital mutilation (circumcision) - Physical violence against men - Emotional abuse against men Think about this. Think about how many movies in which a man gets slapped in the face, or kicked in the nuts by a woman (or another man) and that is sort of like the slapstick punchline to the scene. Imagine now, if you will, a man kicking a woman right between the legs and all the men in the audience laughting. How funny is that now? Jolly good fun. Right? This happens in THOUSANDS of subtle ways in every day relationships, and women can't get it why men leave. After all, "I am a good woman." Sure you are punkin. Men - pay attention to the way she says "he had excuses why it was not his fault" Remember when you engage in a relationship with a woman, she sees the interaction very differently than you do. If you leave for any reason, you are "making excuses" in her view. Don't think it is only the OP. Many women feel this way. And it is not necessarily her fault. These are the assumptions under which she was raised. This is why it is so hard to fix. Think about the subtext here men. Your reasons for leaving have to pass muster with the woman you are leaving. Think about what that implies. "You may NOT end this relationship unless I TELL you you can leave. I am a good woman and no man should ever leave me because of my awesomeness. I can laugh about bizarre acts of disgusting violence against men and even little boys, I can berate you, and torment you under the tyranny of my emotions and if you can't deal with it then you should 'Man up'." They hold all of these assumptions that make you feel bad. You cannot put a finger on it, but something is just wrong. If you don't like it, and you choose to leave, then you are just another example of the evil in all men. Pay attention men. It is very subtle subtext here and you will miss it if you are not paying close attention.
Author n989 Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 A bit confused by your response there strongnrelaxed. If you leave for any reason, you are "making excuses" in her view. Don't think it is only the OP. Many women feel this way. And it is not necessarily her fault. These are the assumptions under which she was raised. This is why it is so hard to fix. I have no issue with him deciding to leave the relationship, it is how he went about it that was insulting. Your reasons for leaving have to pass muster with the woman you are leaving. Think about what that implies. "You may NOT end this relationship unless I TELL you you can leave. I am a good woman and no man should ever leave me because of my awesomeness. Absolute rubbish. If a guy wants to leave a relationship he is welcome to at any time but after a certain period of dating there comes a point where it is inappropriate to just disappear, send a text or an email to end it. 'you can have the guts and courtesy to tell a woman to her face that you no longer want to see her, call me crazy but I think you can make a point of ending your relationship in a manner that doesn't include an email, a doorman or a missing persons report. I think you can all get over your fear of looking like the bad guy and actually have the uncomfortable break up conversation because guess what, avoiding that, is what makes you the bad guy! Most women aren't angry irrational psychos, we just want an ending to a relationship that is thoughtful and decent and honors what we had together.' Carrie Bradshaw.
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