The power dynamic in dating

[ThaWholigan]

I've long since posted about this a few times, but it's better if I condense it all into one thread.

 

It came to my attention a while back that people have quite a black and white relationship to the concept of power, and is all the more apparent in people's social relationships, specifically dating and romantic/sexual relationships. A helluva lot of people in both genders seem to adhere to varying degrees of "dominate/be dominated" in the way they deal with the dating world, and this can lead to a mismanagement in expectations and desired outcomes. Hence the amount of disillusion amongst a lot of posters.

 

Now, I keep hearing the adage of "the person who cares the least, controls the relationship" and it leads me to one of the components of power in any given scenario: control. And I question whether every single dating/sexual/relationship encounter/interaction is really colored by this level of power games. Is it really too much to ask to be able to settle into a rhythm with your partner/date without having to succumb to their whims, or consequently dominating or manipulating their emotions disingenuously?

 

I don't think so.

 

I think that the only control that needs to be done, is to yourself. Personal power, personal control and personal authority - it doesn't have to be dominant over the other person. That power can then be shown, reflected or displayed in a positive and attractive light, that can even enable your partner to get in touch with their own level of power and the cycle/dynamic of your relationship can be successfully navigated.

 

Any thoughts?

[ThaWholigan]

Adding to what I wrote above, another variation on the power dynamic is the way that men give their power to women by proclaiming how easy they have it, and then being eager to prove their own theory right by surrendering to their own sexuality, rather than channeling and controlling it (not repressing it mind). And then complaining about it afterwards.....

 

I have power over these things, and as such I find the appropriate expression for it. I don't think anyone has it easy, and I don't take it all too seriously, so I am able to have fun with it, and retain my personal power, integrity and dignity. I also, as a result, will likely come off as more attractive naturally, because I don't find fault, I don't give away my power, and I don't get bitter at women for any perceived power that I believe them to have over me - which they don't.

[Badsingularity]

Many people associate being dominate with being controlling.

 

I think better wording should be used.

 

Maybe leading, caring, and protecting.

 

I think men should focus on being in controll of themselves, bettering themselves, developing inner strength and the ability to lead so that they always can when the need arises. All the while maintainig an ability to empathize, listen, and love.

 

Women often respond to a man like this by voluntarily being slightly submissive and letting him lead any many ways.

 

So realy, no one should be trying to dominate or control anyone else. It usually just naturally falls into place.

 

Now in bed. Many women want to be dominated.

[ThaWholigan]

A lot of people need power or control to feel secure. People also want their desires to be met and they feel cheated if they give to their partner without getting what they want. Most people fear investing heavily and getting nothing back. That is the danger in being too passive.

 

I agree, and it's to their own detriment a lot of the time. I notice that when people fear investment without return, they struggle with acceptance. This is one of the reasons why people become bitter, or they simply resort to power games in order to control their mates.

 

Also, I think what people are really chasing after is that moment when they can put their feet up and say: "This person is mine forever". At this point they can "let themselves go" and get lazy and sloppy because they know the other person isn't going anywhere.

 

I so agree with this too. It's that laziness that leads to relationships fizzling out. All the courting and wooing at the beginning is held off. However, my personal theory is that a lot of people get into relationships and misunderstand the cycle of how it works. In any relationship, even the most spark-filled ones - there will be a lull, a period of calm, comfort, and a dulling of excitement, predictable routine etc. But this happens, and you have to successfully navigate it with your partner. But often, this period can expose you to the other dimension or dynamic of that person you are with, and that's when a problem could potentially arise.

 

Note that cycles can go at different paces, so some couples can be up-and-down relatively quickly yet stay together for long, because that is their cycle, they recognize it and they are happy.

 

I think a big part of the problem is we don't have strong gender roles anymore. There is no standard protocol for "acceptable relationship behavior" for men and women anymore. Without those rules, every individual makes their own rules and OF COURSE, these rules and expectations clash with the rules and expectations of others.

 

This could be better or it could be worse, depending on how you look at it in my opinion. Standard protocol is probably better for people who struggle with the boundaries of their partner or their own boundaries. For people who are staunch about them, are comfortable with their boundaries, and consequently are accepting that not everybody can fit in with it, their individuality can be positive. Compatibility, chemistry and/or sparks will be of higher importance then, as well as the potential factors of consistency, loyalty, dependability etc.

 

It sucks.

 

It does suck a little if it bothers you, but there are ways to deal with it. Becoming aware of these power games, and every nuance of them, being able to defend yourself against them, and accepting that people are the way they are and not worrying about how much it sucks.

[Forever Learning]

These same themes resonate in my brain as well, Wholigan. I think about them often, and wonder if I would be better off single for the rest of my life. I am happy single. I don't want to be in another bad relationship, dictated by control via manipulation and meanness (from him). It's a dilly of a pickle, wondering about these type things. I will enjoy the input you receive on this threat. Cheers love.

[ThaWholigan]

Many people associate being dominate with being controlling.

 

I think better wording should be used.

 

Maybe leading, caring, and protecting.

 

I think men should focus on being in controll of themselves, bettering themselves, developing inner strength and the ability to lead so that they always can when the need arises. All the while maintainig an ability to empathize, listen, and love.

 

Women often respond to a man like this by voluntarily being slightly submissive and letting him lead any many ways.

 

So realy, no one should be trying to dominate or control anyone else. It usually just naturally falls into place.

 

Now in bed. Many women want to be dominated.

 

Exactly, and those traits should be supplementing their core nature and natural expression as well. It's important to have these down.

 

And I'm sure I will have enough EXP soon to verify the bedroom theory, but I do tend to believe it .

 

These same themes resonate in my brain as well, Wholigan. I think about them often, and wonder if I would be better off single for the rest of my life. I am happy single. I don't want to be in another bad relationship, dictated by control via manipulation and meanness (from him). It's a dilly of a pickle, wondering about these type things. I will enjoy the input you receive on this threat. Cheers love.

 

Thanks. I think that happiness while single is imperative, even if one wants to be in a relationship. It is a bit of a pickle wondering who the person is and whether they are trying to dominate you or manipulate you somehow with power plays and mind games. The best you can do is educate yourself and accept that many people, on some low or high level, will partake in these games to varying degrees. Not a vast majority, but a lot of them.

[carhill]

'Power' is more of a prominent component when one has a 'taker' personality. 'What's in it for me?' is job #1. This isn't overt, rather running in the background. The person can be smooth and convincing but it is a mask.

 

The person with greater social status/popularity/attractiveness generally always has more social power. Their personality style determines whether that portends for equitable and healthy relationships or unbalanced and unhealthy relationships.

 

As I'm typing this, I'm watching 'Inglorious Basterds'; great insight on the dynamics of power.

[threebyfate]

My theory on power is that those who want power should be the last to be given power. This is why it's become cliché that power corrupts since results appear to validate this cliché.

 

But is it possible that power doesn't necessarily, although it can corrupt but that those who seek power have very little to no personal power so they seek to crush resistance by gaining power?

 

As it relates to sexuality, ever notice that many domineering men become submissives in the bedroom?

[Badsingularity]

ever notice that many domineering men become submissives in the bedroom?

 

 

No no I have not.

 

 

Can't blame me though. I have never been involved with men in those situations:lmao:

[ThaWholigan]

My theory on power is that those who want power should be the last to be given power. This is why it's become cliché that power corrupts since results appear to validate this cliché.

 

Ironically it is those who want/seek power who least understand it in my observations.

 

But is it possible that power doesn't necessarily, although it can corrupt but that those who seek power have very little to no personal power so they seek to crush resistance by gaining power?

The perceived lack of power and control in their own lives leads them to want to control others. It's probably the most common expression of abuse of power that I've seen. I have close friends who demonstrate this to varying degrees, each for different reasons.

 

As it relates to sexuality, ever notice that many domineering men become submissives in the bedroom?

Indeed, they vastly overcompensate in their professional lives, and their personal in some ways, but their deepest desires are rooted in the shame of their actual perceived lack of power. Funny that .

 

It's amazing how much [some] women talk

[Freckas]

what one thinks of my predicament, it is quite the power struggle. I am maybe too naive... When you are in the thick of it like I am your perspective is skewed. I dont know what is right anymore what is normal, but If I could take myself out of the situation I and advise myself with out being partial to my side I would.

 

I too would be interested in all your replys to your thread very helpful thank you.

[Emilia]

What I strive for is finding someone who is comfortable enough with himself and me to be himself in the relationship and not be pre-occupied with power and domination. I suppose that comes down to trust in the end and what I am learning currently with someone who is very special is establishing this trust before formally starting a relationship.

 

It also comes down to some intelligence at least and the ability to take a step back and put every day aspects of the relationship into perspective.

[GLDheart]

ThaWholigan,

 

I agree with the premise of your thread. I associate the "power dynamic" with "playing games". That is one thing I absolutely refuse to do... and I truly enjoy "the game" of dating, being single, and available.

 

This is where the terms "playing games" and "having game" are completely different in my view. "Playing games" is to me a manipulation of the other party. "Having game" is about having control over yourself, eminating confidence and sexyness.

 

My take on it is simple. Take me as I am because if we end up in a relationship, that's what I will be like. No surprises. No "It took living together to see what he was like" etc. What you see is what you get.

 

In the end, it is all about control over yourself. The power to enjoy life alone and also to enrich it with the company of others. My stance will always be that the "game playing" and power struggles can be part of someone else's realtionship. Life is too short to get bogged down in that crap.

[Bristolius]

All relationships have a power dynamic. They also have other dynamics, like cooperation, companionship, intimacy.

 

For balance, you need to acknowledge the power aspect. Problems arise when one or both partners over-emphasize the importance of power while neglecting the rest.

[EasyHeart]

The perceived lack of power and control in their own lives leads them to want to control others.

I think this is the core of the issue.

 

People who seek power over others try to control them. And control issues are rooted in insecurity and low self-esteem. If you think the world is a bad place and the worst is always going to happen, then it makes sense that you think that you have to have control over everyone and everything.

[Sanman]

'Power' is more of a prominent component when one has a 'taker' personality. 'What's in it for me?' is job #1. This isn't overt, rather running in the background. The person can be smooth and convincing but it is a mask.

 

The person with greater social status/popularity/attractiveness generally always has more social power. Their personality style determines whether that portends for equitable and healthy relationships or unbalanced and unhealthy relationships.

 

As I'm typing this, I'm watching 'Inglorious Basterds'; great insight on the dynamics of power.

 

 

Power, I think, is inherent in any relationship and, as Carhill mentioned, has to do with social status. In most relationships (not just romantic), there will be a power structure. Those with the most social capital tend to lead. Why? because they have the most options. Similarly, in a relationship, the one with more options/social capital/financial capital will always have the power. How they use that power determines the success of the relationship. Example, I am more social and talkative than my gf. While I love her and have no interest in dating anyone else, it is no secret that now that I am setup in my career and starting to be more successful, there is a lot more interest in dating me among people I know. While I have assured her that I have no interest, I still need to take the extra step of ensuring that her decisions about us are not due to pressure she feels from this. It is easy to feel insecure when things like this happen. OTOH, I also need to check myself. The knowledge that there are plenty of women knocking on the door can often make it easy to puff out your chest and stand on pride at the cost of your relationship. I think power dynamics will always be in play, but a smart and caring person can be mindful about how to handle them. A person that basks in the power and takes advantage can truly hurt the person they are with.

 

EDIT: a great quote about power and social capital: What is a leader without followers? Just a guy taking a walk.

[fortyninethousand322]

I've long since posted about this a few times, but it's better if I condense it all into one thread.

 

It came to my attention a while back that people have quite a black and white relationship to the concept of power, and is all the more apparent in people's social relationships, specifically dating and romantic/sexual relationships. A helluva lot of people in both genders seem to adhere to varying degrees of "dominate/be dominated" in the way they deal with the dating world, and this can lead to a mismanagement in expectations and desired outcomes. Hence the amount of disillusion amongst a lot of posters.

 

Now, I keep hearing the adage of "the person who cares the least, controls the relationship" and it leads me to one of the components of power in any given scenario: control. And I question whether every single dating/sexual/relationship encounter/interaction is really colored by this level of power games. Is it really too much to ask to be able to settle into a rhythm with your partner/date without having to succumb to their whims, or consequently dominating or manipulating their emotions disingenuously?

 

I don't think so.

 

I think that the only control that needs to be done, is to yourself. Personal power, personal control and personal authority - it doesn't have to be dominant over the other person. That power can then be shown, reflected or displayed in a positive and attractive light, that can even enable your partner to get in touch with their own level of power and the cycle/dynamic of your relationship can be successfully navigated.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Meh, I don't like the concept of "controlling" a relationship either, but I do think that a lot of times there are inequalities in a relationship that make it easier for one party to manipulate the other party in certain ways. I wouldn't say it's a majority of relationships but it's certainly many that fall into this category.

 

Generally, if you feel like if the person you're dating turns into a total waste of space and time for you, that you could go out and find someone more to your liking, you will act a certain way in your relationship that is distinctly different from someone who doesn't think this way. If both parties have that attitude, the relationship will be on more equal footing. If not, somebody will get walked on.

[todreaminblue]

I've long since posted about this a few times, but it's better if I condense it all into one thread.

 

It came to my attention a while back that people have quite a black and white relationship to the concept of power, and is all the more apparent in people's social relationships, specifically dating and romantic/sexual relationships. A helluva lot of people in both genders seem to adhere to varying degrees of "dominate/be dominated" in the way they deal with the dating world, and this can lead to a mismanagement in expectations and desired outcomes. Hence the amount of disillusion amongst a lot of posters.

 

Now, I keep hearing the adage of "the person who cares the least, controls the relationship" and it leads me to one of the components of power in any given scenario: control. And I question whether every single dating/sexual/relationship encounter/interaction is really colored by this level of power games. Is it really too much to ask to be able to settle into a rhythm with your partner/date without having to succumb to their whims, or consequently dominating or manipulating their emotions disingenuously?

 

I don't think so.

 

I think that the only control that needs to be done, is to yourself. Personal power, personal control and personal authority - it doesn't have to be dominant over the other person. That power can then be shown, reflected or displayed in a positive and attractive light, that can even enable your partner to get in touch with their own level of power and the cycle/dynamic of your relationship can be successfully navigated.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Self awareness is key.Domination of one leads to the decline of the relationship for both.Your post was succint and i do believe in bringing something to a relationship that enhances the chance of personal growth.No one is exactly the same and sometimes its the best relationship when you can both learn something new from each other.Doesn't have to be any submission or domination just has to be........and grow....my new motto is just be.....and stuff it i find that one amusing...no relationship and arguments that occur are because of differences.....but making up is a good positive thing to think about while arguing.....if you can remember what it was you were arguing about while thinking that...im kidding maybe not.....stuff it....just being...tangent girl...all i meant to write was i agree with your post and thanks for posting........deb