Dying

[debber01]

So after 25 years, hubby drops the bombshell that he doesn't love me anymore. Wow. Just wow. We've had ups & downs like everyone, and there were times that I questioned whether I did really love him still or not. But I never said those 5 words. I don't love you anymore. Because I knew how much those words would hurt and I know how permanent they are. This is day 4 since I've heard those diabolical words, and it's worse now than when I actually heard them.

 

It's been coming for a while, so I don't know why I'm surprised. The pulling away, not sharing our lives, never doing anything together. Hubby had a construction business that the economy decimated in 2007. I'd quit a very lucrative job in IT to do his paperwork, taxes, etc. for the business in 2005 because he just couldn't do it all anymore. But I fell into IT at exactly the right time in 1995 when companies were looking for bodies. If you knew what you were doing, it was enough. These days it takes a 4 year degree plus 4K in Microsoft certifications of which I have neither. And they can get 2 kids fresh out of college for what I was making.

 

Anyway. After we'd struggled for 2 years without much business, he found a job working as an estate manager (in 2009) but it involved working and living onsite 5 days per week. It was either that or lose the house at that point. He took it. He/we had to do something and going back into IT was off the table at that point. And still is. No degree or certs means no job. And he's working for a multi billionaire family. Not the M word. Not millionaire. Billionaire. Which certainly changes his perspective on life after being only 70K a year people with both of us working.

 

He still comes home 2 days a week, but we have literally been living as a separated couple for 3 years now. As we've drawn further and further apart, I've been trying but he isn't. He 'cares' about me but doesn't love me after 25 years. Bull****. If you care about someone, you generally love them as well. No love. No caring.

 

He's killed me this year. Heart attack in late January. After he was released from the hospital, he chose to go back to the city (where he lives for his job) rather than come home and let me care for him. A month later, billionaire employer sends him on a vacation to Aruba with another male co-worker. Aruba. Alone. Without his wife. Granted. This person married for money and has always taken vacations alone without the spouse because, well, it was always about money and not the love. So the mentality of his employer is to go on separate vacations because it isn't about love or a relationship anyway. it's all about marrying into tons of money.

 

I'm a dog lover/rescuer. Have saved 42 Siberian Huskies in the last 12 years. I've lost 3 of them in 2 months between June and August (old age) and one of them was my once in a lifetime dog. So we have the heart attack hurt,the Aruba hurt, the 3 dogs that have passed on in 2 months hurt, and now my husband doesn't love me anymore after 25 years hurt. Oh. Did I mention I'm also going through friggin menopause?! It's just too much. I just can't handle it anymore.

 

It's so comforting to see that others have been through this enormous gut wrenching pain and have come out of it ok on the other side. Thank God for this forum right now. I've been reading all week and it's been consoling to know that I'm not the only one. Because it sure felt like it for the first few days. And I swear the pain in worse now than it was 4 days ago. How can that be?

[Ami1uwant]

Sorry this happened to you....

 

but yes people can drify apart.....you can care for someone but not love them anymore....not wish ill on someone but not love them anymore.

 

I went through divorce myself. My ex pulls something like that where it happened out of the blue.

 

Was there a reason why...probably....what it was ...not enough info. Could he have been cheating--possibly. Could it have been the heart attack--very much so. Why...he felt like he has a second chance on live and wants to live it and to him that means without you. Why?? you have to ask him.

 

What happened to be....the issues was financial. she had a medical issue for 6 months but got better...i supported her through this. this was about 2 yrs into the marriage. Then she didnt want to work. We didnt have kids so there was no reason for her not to work. It wasnt a thing of her making a minimum salary...just working.

 

I also did 95% of the housework.

 

The issue was she needed to work and contibute for things to change. Instead she planned on trying to surprise me with a divorce. I discovered this. I was going to be out of town with work when shed move out and do who knows what with the stuff in the house. The divorce was done in about 3 months (my state has dissolusion of marriage). From the time I found out it was a week before I saw her for the last time...she moved back to her parents.

 

I think...but dont know for sure....she emotionally cheated through some online relationship.

[2sunny]

I'm sorry for your pain...

 

Have you checked to be sure he's not cheating?

[debber01]

I truly dont think hes cheating. I know everyone says that. But he's so adamant about never getting married again and never getting involved with anyone that I don't think that's the issue at all. Could be. Never say never. But I don't think so.

 

He's only turned into an ******* since his heart attack. I've never had anything in life that I want and never done anything that I want bla bla blah. It's bull****, but it's the way he's feeling right now. He resents the fact that I've been overly protective and caring since his heart attack. Which is probably true. We all take things for granted until. Eh? Things just go on in the normal way for years and years until something like a heart attack happens and you're faced with your own mortality. He faced it. And is now an 'it's all about me' kind of person. I faced it and thought 'Holy crap. We aren't 25 anymore. Better start appreciatiating what you have, while you have it.' But I'm getting blamed for the changes that I've made since then. If you realize that changes need to be made, and you make them, why should you get blamed for making them? Sometimes it takes a major life event to open your eyes. It's easy to go on and on for 25 years and become complacent. And a major life event like a heart attack opens your eyes. But I'm being blamed because it TOOK a heart attack for me to get out of my complacency.

 

I just don't understand. There have been times in the last 25 years that I've questioned. Don't we all? Do I still love him or not? But even when I thought I didn't, I never said I don't love you anymore. Because I know how much those 5 words hurt and how permanent they are.

[2sunny]

Usually those words are said because its someone else they NOW love.

 

Why aren't you checking? Hire a PI... Or is it even something you want to know?

[amaysngrace]

I am sorry that you hurt right now.

 

I think you should hire a lawyer as soon as possible. I know when I went through my divorce, having someone to explain things to me and be on my side made me feel not so alone.

[Larj87]

It doesn't sound like he is cheating, and after being married to him for 25 years you would know him better than anyone. But there is always that slim chance. It sounds like he is being selfish, to be offered an Aruba vacation without your wife and actually taking an Aruba vacation without your wife are two different scenarios. But like you said you have been "separated" for 3 years now, that is a LONG time to drift away from one another. It sounds like he took the job with good intentions, to take care of you and keep the house, and then living 5 days at the job a week caused a drift. I am sorry for the pain you are going through and don't know what to say besides counseling and keeping close family and friends near by for moral support. Good luck to you!

[strongnrelaxed]

WTF! Why does a man falling out of love mean that he is cheating. But when a woman falls out of love it is because the man failed to meet her emotional needs.

 

Come on already!

 

That is patently unfair. Please stop making thinly veiled accusations without any proof. The OP said she doesn't think cheating was involved. Leave it at that. Stop trying to convince her of this.

 

He is out of love. Let it be and move on.

[debber01]

You know. I actually had an epiphany. Dave has changed a lot in the last 2 years. The old Dave was kind,thoughtful, loving, caring, generous....the new Dave is cold, selfish (per his own admission), has no sympathy or empathy, thoughtless...Ive been fighting to get the old Dave back, but the old Dave is dead. I think that finally clicked and now I'm mourning the loss of the old Dave. And I don't love the new one. Who could?

[shiftman]

He cares about me but doesn't love me after 25 years. Bull****. If you care about someone, you generally love them as well. No love. No caring.

 

First off, I am very sorry that you are having to experience this type of pain. I know it can be tough.

 

That said, someone can definately care about an ex without loving them the way a spouse should love his/her spouse. I know, I experience it every day.

[TaraMaiden]

......And I swear the pain in worse now than it was 4 days ago. How can that be?

 

Because the shock factor has worn off and the reality has set in. It's like injuring yourself when your adrenalin levels are high. You don't feel it until the levels are down...

 

By the way - Kudos to you with the dogs.

I'm a Dog Behaviourist and - in a contest between humans and dogs....?

 

Well....

[Atlantico]

... and there were times that I questioned whether I did really love him still or not. But I never said those 5 words. I don't love you anymore. Because I knew how much those words would hurt and I know how permanent they are.

 

So in a nutshell you never did truly love your husband and stayed in the marriage just not to hurt him....looks to me that the outcome of your marriage is the expected one, at least statistically...He new that and pulled out when he got his "ah" moment...

[debber01]

So in a nutshell you never did truly love your husband and stayed in the marriage just not to hurt him....looks to me that the outcome of your marriage is the expected one, at least statistically...He new that and pulled out when he got his "ah" moment...

 

That's absolutely untrue. I'm saying that there are ups and downs in a marriage and during the down times, you start to question whether you still love each other or not. I'm sure it's been the same for him at times as well. The difference is that we used to respect each other enough to keep those horrid words to ourselves, because as with most marriages (or relationships for that matter), the pendulum inevitably swings the other way again, and you are grateful that you didn't speak those words that could have shattered your spouse's world.

[debber01]

Because the shock factor has worn off and the reality has set in. It's like injuring yourself when your adrenalin levels are high. You don't feel it until the levels are down...

 

By the way - Kudos to you with the dogs.

I'm a Dog Behaviourist and - in a contest between humans and dogs....?

 

Well....

 

That's part of it I'm sure. Until recently we've had 12 rescues and a foster at all times. A year ago, my once in a lifetime dog was diagnosed with hepatocellular carcinoma of the liver. Did the surgery but 3 months later the cancer reappeared. A month later it had metastasized to her lungs with fluid and tumors in the lungs. It got to a point last December where I couldn't even leave the house. Her care became that intensive. It was 24 x 7 geriatric care. It got to a point where her liver couldn't process toxins at all and she went on Lactulose, a laxative. The runs at least 3 times per day, and then there's the concern about dehydration so she needed tons of water and I had to take her outside 12-15 times per day to pee. She lost her sight and her ability to stand up and move around by last June so I was carrying her 62 pound butt outside 12-15 times per day, plus cleaning up after her constantly, etc. She could still get to her feet but was not able to get around well and finally fell and shattered her knee. But she got the 24 x 7 care that she needed. I'm sure H felt left out and slighted. But the sad thing is, I would do the same for him, or for any family member or pet.

 

Had to put our 15 year old Malamute down on June 8th, then finally my once in a lifetime dog on June 18th, then another old Siberian that had degenerative myelopathy on August 4th, and also on August 4th, our 12 year old Siberian that had a nerve sheath tumor needed surgery to remove a tumor. Went to court for bankruptcy at the end of July, and did I mention that I've been going through that hormonal hell called menopause for a year? And now this. I don't love you anymore. Not looking for sympathy. God, I hate that more than anything. Just stating the facts. It's not been a very good year. :-( Especially without a lot of support from the best friend I was married to for 25 years.

[PoopHappens]

A lot happens in 25 years, so much so that you'd think you'd have so much Karma and unpaid debt between each other that you could never dream of it ending, no matter how bad it got. I too am at the magic 25 year mark and looking at a divorce. I stay for my daughter for now. I am told this is foolish and that more hurt will only come of it. Perhaps, but for now I am willing to take the pain for my daughter. I too, got the "I care but don't care" talk. There was the "I need space" line. That one almost gave me a heart attack. The thing is we actually get along. Spend lots of time together etc. I just hurt myself and can't keep up right now. So she found another person to do things with. I'm lost is space. I can't go forward and can't go backwards.

 

I hope you find some peace.

[debber01]

A lot happens in 25 years, so much so that you'd think you'd have so much Karma and unpaid debt between each other that you could never dream of it ending, no matter how bad it got. I too am at the magic 25 year mark and looking at a divorce. I stay for my daughter for now. I am told this is foolish and that more hurt will only come of it. Perhaps, but for now I am willing to take the pain for my daughter. I too, got the "I care but don't care" talk. There was the "I need space" line. That one almost gave me a heart attack. The thing is we actually get along. Spend lots of time together etc. I just hurt myself and can't keep up right now. So she found another person to do things with. I'm lost is space. I can't go forward and can't go backwards.

 

I hope you find some peace.

 

 

OMG poop. (can I call you that?!) I totally understand. Fortunately, my kids are 21 and 23 so I can't imagine staying together for the kids at this point. But the advice you have gotten is good to a point. If you stay for the kid(s), and you are bickering/arguing/fighting all the time, that's the example you set for your daughter for her future relationships. She's going to think that's normal. But it's not normal. That's a bad bad thing, because the example that she sees is what she's going to think is normal and it's going to reflect in all of her future relationships.

 

We have the unpaid debt for sure. Bankruptcy to the tune of almost 1/2 mil (hubby's failed business. Not his fault. Not much call for the construction industry since 2007). We kept the house out of the bankruptcy filing, but still. Between the payment to the court and the house payment, its still over 3K per month. How can we split up when we both need to contribute? House is underwater, like most people's these days. What do you do?

 

I get it poop. (again. Can I call you that?!). It sucks so much, because you entwine both of your lives together, for so long, that it's difficult to unwind it all. Peace to you. Hope everything works out for you.

[PoopHappens]

That's the thing Debber. We go into life together fighting for each other, watching each others backs, taking sacrifices, bringing new people into the world and making more sacrifices so they end up healthy and happy and all the time wishing things were a little better. Knowing that we are likely not giving our partners everything they deserve but also knowing we are not getting what we deserve either. Good people try to balance this and hope the others in their life can see this. How in anyone's imagination, can they expect to be happy all the time, and when they are not, blaming it on a relationship with so much depth in makes the Pacific look like a frog pond? Damn it I'm mad.