Dating a guy who is constantly working.

[Gypsie]

There is this guy that I have been dating for two months.

 

I only get to see him once a week though.

 

Is this normal for people who work full time doing shift work?

 

He is up for promotion and has been working his but off. I have been encouraging him and telling him that I think it is great that he is taking the opportunity to get the promotion. Showing my support.

 

He had cancelled on me a few times also because of this but understood that it was because of work reasons. They were valid reasons. The last time he did hurt a bit though but sucking it up and just doing my own thing in the mean time.

 

I have also been giving him the space he needs to get there.

 

Do feel though that he is withdrawing from me a little bit while doing this. Just hope the last couple of times that I sent texts to him I did not scare him off. He says it's all good though.

 

Not totally sure where I stand with him also. He has never mentioned that he just wants something casual or just wants sex. I have gotten none of that.

 

He made a couple of comments once referring to me that I was his girl and my 'little one' when usually he just calls me 'little one' because I am a shorty. Have been told before that he just that he wants to see where it goes. Wish I had asked what he meant by that when he was making comments calling me his that day.

 

Still a bit confused though... In the mean time like I said before I am giving him his space and doing my own thing till he contacts me again.

 

Hopefully he sees this as a good thing and that I am girlfriend worthy.

 

Thoughts on this anyone? Am I going about this the right way? I really like him but if he does not want to move things further. Then not a lot I can do about it. Just don't know what I am doing wrong cause I think I have been doing everything right.

 

Apparently he is not seeing anyone else and has been messaging me every couple of days telling me how his day is going and asks about mine. Like getting those.

 

Thoughts? Opinions?

[xpaperxcutx]

Rather than looking at things from his point of view let me ask you one question, are you happy? The mere fact that you only see him once a week or so doesn't seem fair. Add to the fact, you're already walking on eggshells with him tells me you're settling for a guy who may not the right person for you.

 

Are you seeing other people in the meantime or are you planning your free time around him and hoping his schedule will clear up? Because he hasn't made you his girlfriend yet, I don't think he's entitled to have you waiting around for him. If work clears up and he makes dinner dates or visit you more often, feel free to take him on his offers. But don't sit around omoping for a guy who may or may not be ready to "officially" date you. If you bother to meet and date other people you'll be more likely to meet people who aren't workaholics and do want a deep relationship.

[Gypsie]

No. I am not seeing other people. Just doing my own thing in the mean time. Friends are saying I should keep my options open though.

 

Just hope I am not being led on. I have asked a few weeks ago if I was just a one night stand. He said no. He has never said anything about just wanting casual sex. Nothing about not wanting anything serious. Hence why I am feeling confused. He just wants to see where it goes.

 

It feels right when this guy and I are actually together in person. We have great chemistry, get along really well and we both like the same things even though I do like my own space and doing my own things at times it does get frustrating at times when we don't get to hang out much.

 

No. We did not meet online. We met in person.

 

He should see that I am being supportive with giving him his own space and encouraging him with work. I really like him and am doing the best I can in this situation. Other then this not sure what else I can do.

 

This guy's last relationship was 2 years ago. Don't know what his problem is.

 

We are also both in our 30's. Both never been married or had kids.

 

I am a pretty decent person, been told I am attractive, not over weight or anything. Have not been acting needy or clingy at all. Just don't understand why it is so hard for me to get into relationships.

Edited September 7, 2012 by Gypsie

[KatZee]

Yeah, dating workaholics is not my cup of tea. My ex was one, and it was one of the reasons I wasn't all that devastated when we broke up.

 

Instead of focusing on him and encouraging him, as the other poster said... really ask yourself... are YOU happy? I can't imagine you are, as I wasn't in my last relationship either.

 

I don't get how any woman could be happy taking a backseat 95% of the time to a guys career. Honestly, if a guy is really into you, he's GOING to make the time for you. Work or not. Seeing a guy once a week is not a relationship. I see some male friends more often than you see this guy.

 

Yes, it's great you have other things to do, and you can occupy your time with what's going on in your life, but the point of a relationship is to merge the two. With my ex, he'd bail on my family functions to go to work. He'd say he was too tired to come out with me and my friends. It became absurd. His job came before EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. Including me, and it doesn't make you feel great about yourself. It makes you feel second rate.

 

He's a workaholic now and that's not going to change. It's been two months. What you see is what you get. Trust me you're not going to be happy months down the line. You're eventually going to want this relationship to actually GO somewhere... and it won't. Right now this guy has one thing on his mind. Career.

 

So you can sit around and wait, and be disappointed time and time again, or, you can find someone who you're compatible with.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I didn't reach much of the post or comments because this always goes the same way.

 

He's unavailable..

 

Once a week is not enough time to maintain a relationship IMO, not even close. Which leads me to believe that...a relationship is not what he's looking for.

 

Also you never know what he's really doing with his time, a man who's always busy means he always has a good excuse to cancel and not to see you...a good cover for seeing and dating other women since he's trained to accommodate this as an explanation regardless or what he's actually doing.

 

Going out for a beer with the guys...It's ok, I'm just busy at work

Seeing another woman...It's ok, I just got a promotion and working my butt off

Emotionally unavailable...It's ok I'm just too busy at work but it's coming along because I'm throwing you a few pieces of bait every now and again to show you I'm somewhat interest

Lack of communication...It's ok, I'm busy with work and have a lot of stress to deal with...no time to communicate with the likes of you

 

You really think a guy is going to tell you that you're a one night stand? or that you're just casual sex? HA! hilarious.

 

Men aren't going to tell you crap, they're just going to led it ride till you rub those two light bulbs together and figure out somethings not right here and I feel like I'm being lead on...but don't worry, It was because he was busy at work!...I swear man, the crap women settle and believe is astounding, could you look any more desperate do you think?

 

It's ridiculous that women think men need space in the beginning of a relationship or dating where they really like and want to be with someone...the beginning should be the most intense!!! What do you think this is going to pan into?

 

You know...I'm not sure why I waste my time asking women in these situations logical questions, clearly they are in "seeing where it goes" mode...It's ridiculous that your expectations and requirements are this low for a man who is supposedly interested in you and worth your time, you must have no standards or self respect for a developing relationship, and women wonder why men do these things? because you let them, you sit on your hands trying to be a good gear, trying not to scare the big bad man away so instead you just wait and wait and wait like a little puppy at the back door sitting in the rain, thinking once he lets you in that'll be the last of your rainy porch days....yeah right.

 

The questions you are asking or not pertinent in this situation, you should be requiring more time and emotional investment from this man...all women should, but no no, take your time, see where it goes, because that always works in the end you and you totally don't feel like a fool or like you were strung along.

 

Just sit around and give him vagina whenever he calls on you for it and remains unclear of what he wants, at least you're needed for something right?

[monkey00]

 

He had cancelled on me a few times also because of this but understood that it was because of work reasons. They were valid reasons. The last time he did hurt a bit though but sucking it up and just doing my own thing in the mean time.

 

I think for dating 2 months, you guys should be nearing relationship status. I think in the pre-relationship period, it's okay to see each other 1x a week. After the status, you guys should see each other more...not set in stone, but hey.

 

Speaking from a personal standpoint, I work 1st and 2nd shift every week. Some nights I get off at 9. I'm dating someone who's pretty busy with classes and work too, but we always make time for each other around our crazy schedules. We've never once canceled on each other.

 

I'm not sure what that guy's line of work is or how hectic his hours may be, but I don't think it's cool for him to have canceled. If he really is that busy with his career, then it doesn't like he's ready for a relationship. But in the past though I admit, my late work schedule has caused me to fail miserably in the dating scene...I lost many prospects/opportunities. If this guy's story is true, I feel his pain. Maybe you should have a talk since you guys have been dating so frequently, it's good to be understanding for someone who has a hectic schedule.

[KatZee]

I think for dating 2 months, you guys should be nearing relationship status. I think in the pre-relationship period, it's okay to see each other 1x a week. After the status, you guys should see each other more...not set in stone, but hey.

 

Speaking from a personal standpoint, I work 1st and 2nd shift every week. Some nights I get off at 9. I'm dating someone who's pretty busy with classes and work too, but we always make time for each other around our crazy schedules. We've never once canceled on each other.

 

I'm not sure what that guy's line of work is or how hectic his hours may be, but I don't think it's cool for him to have canceled. If he really is that busy with his career, then it doesn't like he's ready for a relationship. But in the past though I admit, my late work schedule has caused me to fail miserably in the dating scene...I lost many prospects/opportunities. If this guy's story is true, I feel his pain. Maybe you should have a talk since you guys have been dating so frequently, it's good to be understanding for someone who has a hectic schedule.

 

Yeah, I mean it's fine for her to be understanding of it, but that doesn't mean she should stay with him. They clearly want two very different things, and that's not going to change. His mentality is not one of "I'm so invested in relationships!"

 

He's already shown he cancels on her and puts working above her. If that's his prerogative, fine. But I don't think it's in OPs best interest to stay with him. She needs someone equally as invested. It's going to be a very unbalanced relationship with her always giving and sacrificing, and him always putting work above all else. It only leads to unhappiness and resentment.

[Ami1uwant]

This is just 2 months in....this is casual...so once a week is fine. If you were at a point of a serious relationship and it was once a week then there would be concenr.

 

I would assume he is dating others.

 

Its also possible you are categorized as option B...where he cancels on you to date others to see if there is something better.

 

If there is distance between you or he is working two jobs then once a week is understandable.

 

As others have said he could be a workaholic...or he is just working more to save money...i dont know.

 

What is his career? Some work extra because they love what they do or for oither reasons.

 

one woman I dated she was a nurse but in her regular job it was more of an administration job. Then on the weeknds she would work shifts as a nurse to have the time in to maintain her practice license. It made dating very difficult which is why it didnt work out between us...but I understand why she did it.

[monkey00]

Yeah, I mean it's fine for her to be understanding of it, but that doesn't mean she should stay with him. They clearly want two very different things, and that's not going to change. His mentality is not one of "I'm so invested in relationships!"

 

Well, they're not in a R yet. Would it be fair for him to quit his job and find something with a more 'normal' schedule so she can be happy and they have more time for each other?

 

He's already shown he cancels on her and puts working above her.

 

I think the worst part of working shift jobs or working late is many times you don't know when you can leave work. Or when you might actually be finished with work to actually leave earlier or on time. In the past I had to reschedule dates last minute to later at night, or reschedule another day because I was stuck at work and it was killing me I had to do it. Most people are not that accommodating and understanding and will usually brush you off if you do that - most would assume the person rescheduling is blowing them off..which isn't always the case.

[xpaperxcutx]

I think for dating 2 months, you guys should be nearing relationship status. I think in the pre-relationship period, it's okay to see each other 1x a week. After the status, you guys should see each other more...not set in stone, but hey.

 

Speaking from a personal standpoint, I work 1st and 2nd shift every week. Some nights I get off at 9. I'm dating someone who's pretty busy with classes and work too, but we always make time for each other around our crazy schedules. We've never once canceled on each other.

 

I'm not sure what that guy's line of work is or how hectic his hours may be, but I don't think it's cool for him to have canceled. If he really is that busy with his career, then it doesn't like he's ready for a relationship. But in the past though I admit, my late work schedule has caused me to fail miserably in the dating scene...I lost many prospects/opportunities. If this guy's story is true, I feel his pain. Maybe you should have a talk since you guys have been dating so frequently, it's good to be understanding for someone who has a hectic schedule.

 

Im exactly the same way. I go to school full-time and my boyfriend works two jobs back to back. Yet we've been able to spare what little we have exclusively for each other.. More often than not my f will drive out to see me after a full day working at the hospital, and even though he's dead tired he'll still be happy to see me. Also to emphasize ninjapajamas point, i also agree that the courtship of a relationship are usually intense. When i got together with my nd, we saw each other almost everyd y and contacted each other incessantly. Yes we were Google with the flow but we never thought the pace we were going at was strange or extraordinary. It was fast and intense but still incredibly right.

[Ami1uwant]

Speaking from a personal standpoint, I work 1st and 2nd shift every week. Some nights I get off at 9. I'm dating someone who's pretty busy with classes and work too, but we always make time for each other around our crazy schedules. We've never once canceled on each other.

 

 

More info is needed on him as to why.....

 

It can be difficult for people to be together if they work different shifts like one is 9-5 and the other works 1-9.

 

Sometimes relationships dont work.

 

You say you happen to be able to make time for each other...but it depends on each others routines and how far apart you two are.

 

If he is 5 min away from you then no big deal...but a half hour away will burn you out over time.

 

If the Ops BF work is heavy labor then he may be exhausted when he comes home and not up for driving.

[Ami1uwant]

Im exactly the same way. I go to school full-time and my boyfriend works two jobs back to back. Yet we've been able to spare what little we have exclusively for each other.. More often than not my f will drive out to see me after a full day working at the hospital, and even though he's dead tired he'll still be happy to see me. Also to emphasize ninjapajamas point, i also agree that the courtship of a relationship are usually intense. When i got together with my nd, we saw each other almost everyd y and contacted each other incessantly. Yes we were Google with the flow but we never thought the pace we were going at was strange or extraordinary. It was fast and intense but still incredibly right.

 

Another aspect of this is how old you are.....

 

usually someone in their early 20s seems to have more time available....but if you are 40 you tend to have more responsibility and you need more rest so you dont have as much time to do thi.s

[KatZee]

Well, they're not in a R yet. Would it be fair for him to quit his job and find something with a more 'normal' schedule so she can be happy and they have more time for each other?

 

More reason for her to cut out now. He doesn't have to adjust his life, and she doesn't have to compromise her values. Win/Win for both.

 

 

 

I think the worst part of working shift jobs or working late is many times you don't know when you can leave work. Or when you might actually be finished with work to actually leave earlier or on time. In the past I had to reschedule dates last minute to later at night, or reschedule another day because I was stuck at work and it was killing me I had to do it. Most people are not that accommodating and understanding and will usually brush you off if you do that - most would assume the person rescheduling is blowing them off..which isn't always the case.

 

And that sucks, but again, there's no reason OP should deal with this if this is NOT the kind of relationship she's trying to be in. If they're not even official yet, there is little chance of this changing or getting better. He deserves to live his life, and has his job as he wants it and she's also entitled to find a relationship which best suits her. Dating a workaholic is NOT fun, regardless if they're intentionally blowing their SO off or not. It just flat out sucks.

[carhill]

Too busy and personally focused for a healthy intimate relationship or, and this is predicated on the contact of the once a week dates, you're a weekly liaison, if the recent dates include sex. Your mention of 'one night stand' causes me to include the latter part.

 

'Busy' people can be busy at many things. Work is just one of them. Transparency of their personal and work lives goes a long with towards verification of their words via actions. Good luck.

[xpaperxcutx]

Another aspect of this is how old you are.....

 

usually someone in their early 20s seems to have more time available....but if you are 40 you tend to have more responsibility and you need more rest so you dont have as much time to do thi.s

 

Well my bf is 32 and he does have responsibilities like paying rent and utilities but he tries to make time for me. Prior to us getting together he often went out of his way to see me, take me out etc. I don't see how age and job can really affect anything aside from the fact that if a guy is truly interested he will try yo make things work. Its another ting too, he's willing to sleep with OP but still haven't bothered to call her his Gf.I do believe he's keeping his options open because she's already made herself available to him. At any given time he can decide things aren't working and he can easily walk because they weren't a couple.

[Gypsie]

We are both in our 30's. I am 33 and he is 35.

 

We don't just have sex. Make sure that we spend time getting to know each other and go out on actual dates as well. He pays for everything and is willing to do that when we have the time.

 

Get messages every couple of days. Even on weekends he will always message first. most times. If he knows I am going out he will be like. Enjoy your night. Be safe.

 

The guy does live half an hour away. He is the only one who has a car though.

 

Yes. I work the normal 8am to 5pm hours and he does rostered shift work every couple of days including some weekends. 7pm to 7am.

[carhill]

So, has he ever met you for a bite during his meal break on graveyard? See where I'm going with this?

[mortensorchid]

I would make time for the person. If there is something that is occupying your time/energy, that's understandable. But if I wanted to be with someone I would make the time to see them, even if it's just a phone call and tell them that I was sorry about our not being able to see each other.

 

I'd move on honestly if this continues to be a problem.

[Andy_K]

Guys who are in love with their career's often don't have enough left to be in love with a woman too.

 

It's up to you whether you learn this from other people's advice, or do it firsthand.

[strawberryshortstack]

There is this guy that I have been dating for two months.

 

I only get to see him once a week though.

 

Is this normal for people who work full time doing shift work?

 

He is up for promotion and has been working his but off. I have been encouraging him and telling him that I think it is great that he is taking the opportunity to get the promotion. Showing my support.

 

He had cancelled on me a few times also because of this but understood that it was because of work reasons. They were valid reasons. The last time he did hurt a bit though but sucking it up and just doing my own thing in the mean time.

 

I have also been giving him the space he needs to get there.

 

Do feel though that he is withdrawing from me a little bit while doing this. Just hope the last couple of times that I sent texts to him I did not scare him off. He says it's all good though.

 

Not totally sure where I stand with him also. He has never mentioned that he just wants something casual or just wants sex. I have gotten none of that.

 

He made a couple of comments once referring to me that I was his girl and my 'little one' when usually he just calls me 'little one' because I am a shorty. Have been told before that he just that he wants to see where it goes. Wish I had asked what he meant by that when he was making comments calling me his that day.

 

Still a bit confused though... In the mean time like I said before I am giving him his space and doing my own thing till he contacts me again.

 

Hopefully he sees this as a good thing and that I am girlfriend worthy.

 

Thoughts on this anyone? Am I going about this the right way? I really like him but if he does not want to move things further. Then not a lot I can do about it. Just don't know what I am doing wrong cause I think I have been doing everything right.

 

Apparently he is not seeing anyone else and has been messaging me every couple of days telling me how his day is going and asks about mine. Like getting those.

 

Thoughts? Opinions?

 

I'm going through a somewhat similar situation myself. We've been seeing each other for 15 months now. My boyfriend works full time, and goes to school part time. His school is 90 minutes away (each way) from where he lives, and I live 30 minutes away from him by car. However, I don't drive, so I have to take a train to see him. That's at least an hour each way and $12 round trip, and I'm an unemployed full-time student, so he doesn't push to see me often out of respect for my financial situation and school schedule. Our days off don't coincide, so I have to see him on nights he works (and he works until 11pm) and then has to work the next day. I should mention that I live with my parents, and that's why he doesn't come to visit me.

 

His only days off from work are Tuesday and Wednesday...and he's in class both of those nights...again, 90 minutes away. So he drives there Tuesday afternoon and stays overnight at his father's house, then drives back Wednesday night. I'm in class all day/evening on Mondays and Wednesdays.

 

Now, if that sounds difficult, let's fast forward a few weeks from now, when he'll be starting a new schedule at work - Thursday through Monday, 8pm to 4am. So on his only days off from work, he'll be an hour away, where I can't get to him because the train doesn't go that far. And it's far too much driving for me to ask him to drive to see me.

 

This development is new, so we're trying to find a way to make it work, but it will be hard. I stay at his house Tuesday nights because he has a companion bird and doesn't want to leave her completely alone (he CAN take her with him, but he'd prefer that I watch her.) We may be able to see each other Tuesday mornings and Wednesday nights, but like I said, it's still a recent development, so we have to see how things go.

 

It sucks. I'm not happy about it. But neither of us wants to end the relationship over it, so it's essentially going to be a LDR (without the actual distance.)

 

To be fair to him, he has never actually cancelled on me... he just intentionally doesn't make plans unless he knows he can keep them. It can be frustrating, sure. And it isn't always easy for me to be understanding, but I know it's not something he's doing to push me away. It's also not permanent. He'll be getting his degrees next semester, which will open up his free days a bit.

 

I guess my point is that it may have nothing to do with him not wanting to see you, he may legitimately be busy. But I understand your pain, and knowing my own situation, I would suggest giving it some time and seeing how things go. It's only been two months, and the relationship is still new for both of you. Look at how often he cancels...if it's only occasionally, it may be legit. If it's every other time, it may be cause for concern. Of course, you know your relationship better than I do, so the end decision is up to you.

 

 

Also, before my current boyfriend, I dated another guy who, after about a month of dating, constantly rescheduled our dates....I finally confronted him about it and he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship, so I said goodbye and moved on. That may be something to keep in mind as well. Everyone is different, his cancellations MAY be legit...but define your limits and stick to them. Talk to him if he reaches them and go from there.

 

Good luck to you, I hope it works out!

[KatZee]

Guys who are in love with their career's often don't have enough left to be in love with a woman too.

 

It's up to you whether you learn this from other people's advice, or do it firsthand.

 

I can attest to this. My ex had this mentality. I supported him when he went away to school out of state to get his master's to advance his career. He came back and he was home all of 2 months before he dumped me. For the two months he was home all I did was take a backseat to his career. Never saw me, put everything and anything above me. The career always won out and was on top of everything in the end.

 

He even said as he was breaking up with me, "I want to focus on my career. I have no time for you" blah blah blah. Kid had absolutely NOTHING left for a relationship. And I was punished for it after standing by him for almost three years. Hate him.