Former OW with questions...

[AnotherRound]

I typed a long post, and accidentally deleted it. I am a former OW, ended the A in April of 2011. In February of this year, my exMM and his wife got divorced (they are in process). He now wants to be with me again. Have any of you ever been in this situation? There's a lot more to this story, but since I just deleted a really long post, I'm all typed out... If you need more details to give me an objective response, just ask. Thanks...

[Summer Breeze]

Welcome. I'm going through something very similar. I ended it with MM a few years ago and I recently found out he left his W before Christmas and his D will be final in about a month.

 

I had some great advice on here from both OW and BS alike. I'm taking it slow and he's letting me guide the speed of it all. That's really important to me so I can keep things at a pace that I don't jump in too quickly. We've spoken a few times but we're not meeting till after the D is final. Part of me wants to say the heck with it and go to him now but I know myself and that I'd be in too deep too fast.

 

You will get some great advice. Mine to you. Don't rush it and make sure you treat the R as an R and not as an A. Make sure he does as well. Have patience and keep your wits about you.

 

Good luck and it's good to see someone here going through kind of what I am. Keep posting!

[Owl]

OK...so he wants to be with you...what is it you want out of this?

 

Do you truly believe his description of his current situation is true and accurate?

[Summer Breeze]

There are a couple people facing similiar situations to yours right now posting. Summer is one, and will probably have some great advice for you.

I think a lot really does depend on what it is you want.

 

ON another note.. that sucks about your post getting deleted. I do that ALL the time, probably once a day... only on this site, must be something with the way the pages work, and find it very frustrating.

 

I'll wait to read more of your story when you feel like sharing it, for now I'll suggest you sit down with a pen and paper and write down every pro and con you can think of both for being with him and then against it.... and then I'd stack rank them in terms of importance to you.

See how it measures up on paper and see how that makes you feel and decide from there.

 

LFH was one of the posters with great advice! Follow your heart but guard it basically. I like it.

[AnotherRound]

I don't even know what I pushed to delete it? It was some random button as I was finishing it up and it just went back to the main page... and it was SO long!

 

I'm just nervous, and of course, wondering if he is trustworthy. I think he has been very honest with me regarding his marriage and the entire situation. We live in a very small town, and have many mutual friends (who are also friends with the wife, you know how small towns are), and everyone is telling the same story.

 

I'm also concerned bc his wife knew about me all those years. She is a bury her head in the sand kind of girl though, and despite stalking me a little, she would never confront me. But since the divorce proceedings have started, she has been poking at me a little when we are in public. So, I'm also nervous about that. I'm not afraid of her at all, I just don't want to deal with the drama... that was one of the main reasons that I ended the A in the first place, bc I felt like both exMM and his wife were behaving like cowards and being childish in not handling their business.

 

I don't want to rush it... and I think he has tried, over the past 7 months, to stay somewhat in touch with me, but he has said again and again, "I need to get my head straight". He has done a lot of soul searching in the past 7 months, and he did try to reconcile for a while, in an honest effort to right his wrong. He now tells me, it's just not going to work. The problems that he had with the marriage are always going to be there. I really do think it's a classic case of two people who were wrong for each other from the get go (like my exH and I, but thankfully, we did not have children before we figured that out).

 

So now... I'm just nervous. I have moved on... but was never "over" him. I love him, and have always loved him. We just click on so many levels. We can spend hours just talking, about everything. We have hashed out a lot of stuff recently, including where his head is now. He says he is done trying to reconcile, that it just isn't going to work, and he feels good about the effort he put into that, even though he feels terrible about not handling the issues prior to our A. I think he's in a good place emotionally, and I think he has his head on straight. But I hadn't even considered he and I being together. I just assumed that he would be enjoying his single life, and I was really okay with that. I was dating, not really finding anyone I was very interested in, but I was okay with that too.

 

And he's being honest with me still, as far as I can tell. He isn't promising me a fairy tale, he never did that anyway. He's just saying, hey, we have this connection, we have feelings for each other, I tried to fix my marriage, it didn't work, I'm ready to move on and be happy, and I think you could be someone that I could be happy with.

 

Don't get me wrong, we had our own issues... mostly my frustration with him not handling his business, but all in all, it was a really good relationship. We love to talk about certain subjects, and banter back and forth. We have similar outlooks on life, and similar beliefs. We just really enjoy each others company, and not just sexually. We can sit for hours and just talk and laugh at each other. Just last night on the phone I called him a douchebag, and he laughed and said, "Yeah, I kind of am"... lol. It wasn't about anything serious, he was just being dorky, lol.

 

So, I do love him. And in all this time, I haven't found anyone else that I would seriously consider dating, but I don't want to feel like I'm the backup. You know? I don't want to be the last choice. I don't think I am, but I'm afraid I will feel that way???? I mean, I think if he had known a way to disentangle from the marriage, he would have. I honestly do believe that. I think what happened was that it got to the point where they just couldn't ignore their issues any longer, and he had an exit affair after I ended it with him. I think he was, in a twisted way, trying to make something happen bc he just couldn't bring himself to do it himself.

 

Just a lot of thoughts in my head right now, and a lot of feelings. I always thought that had we met under different circumstances, we would have made it. I know that there isn't just one person in the world for everyone, and we can love more than one person in a lifetime... but, I do believe that those that we are truly compatible with are few and far between.

 

I have been reading and reading on here, trying to see if I can get some insight. I appreciate the feedback and will be checking out your story Summer. Thanks again

[Snowflower]

I don't even know what I pushed to delete it? It was some random button as I was finishing it up and it just went back to the main page... and it was SO long!

 

I'm just nervous, and of course, wondering if he is trustworthy. I think he has been very honest with me regarding his marriage and the entire situation. We live in a very small town, and have many mutual friends (who are also friends with the wife, you know how small towns are), and everyone is telling the same story.

 

I'm also concerned bc his wife knew about me all those years. She is a bury her head in the sand kind of girl though, and despite stalking me a little, she would never confront me. But since the divorce proceedings have started, she has been poking at me a little when we are in public. So, I'm also nervous about that. I'm not afraid of her at all, I just don't want to deal with the drama... that was one of the main reasons that I ended the A in the first place, bc I felt like both exMM and his wife were behaving like cowards and being childish in not handling their business.

 

I don't want to rush it... and I think he has tried, over the past 7 months, to stay somewhat in touch with me, but he has said again and again, "I need to get my head straight". He has done a lot of soul searching in the past 7 months, and he did try to reconcile for a while, in an honest effort to right his wrong. He now tells me, it's just not going to work. The problems that he had with the marriage are always going to be there. I really do think it's a classic case of two people who were wrong for each other from the get go (like my exH and I, but thankfully, we did not have children before we figured that out).

 

So now... I'm just nervous. I have moved on... but was never "over" him. I love him, and have always loved him. We just click on so many levels. We can spend hours just talking, about everything. We have hashed out a lot of stuff recently, including where his head is now. He says he is done trying to reconcile, that it just isn't going to work, and he feels good about the effort he put into that, even though he feels terrible about not handling the issues prior to our A. I think he's in a good place emotionally, and I think he has his head on straight. But I hadn't even considered he and I being together. I just assumed that he would be enjoying his single life, and I was really okay with that. I was dating, not really finding anyone I was very interested in, but I was okay with that too.

 

And he's being honest with me still, as far as I can tell. He isn't promising me a fairy tale, he never did that anyway. He's just saying, hey, we have this connection, we have feelings for each other, I tried to fix my marriage, it didn't work, I'm ready to move on and be happy, and I think you could be someone that I could be happy with.

Don't get me wrong, we had our own issues... mostly my frustration with him not handling his business, but all in all, it was a really good relationship. We love to talk about certain subjects, and banter back and forth. We have similar outlooks on life, and similar beliefs. We just really enjoy each others company, and not just sexually. We can sit for hours and just talk and laugh at each other. Just last night on the phone I called him a douchebag, and he laughed and said, "Yeah, I kind of am"... lol. It wasn't about anything serious, he was just being dorky, lol.

 

So, I do love him. And in all this time, I haven't found anyone else that I would seriously consider dating, but I don't want to feel like I'm the backup. You know? I don't want to be the last choice. I don't think I am, but I'm afraid I will feel that way???? I mean, I think if he had known a way to disentangle from the marriage, he would have. I honestly do believe that. I think what happened was that it got to the point where they just couldn't ignore their issues any longer, and he had an exit affair after I ended it with him. I think he was, in a twisted way, trying to make something happen bc he just couldn't bring himself to do it himself.

Just a lot of thoughts in my head right now, and a lot of feelings. I always thought that had we met under different circumstances, we would have made it. I know that there isn't just one person in the world for everyone, and we can love more than one person in a lifetime... but, I do believe that those that we are truly compatible with are few and far between.

 

I have been reading and reading on here, trying to see if I can get some insight. I appreciate the feedback and will be checking out your story Summer. Thanks again

 

That is a bummer about your original post being lost.

 

Re...the bolded...when I read your post I read a lot about him, him, him and his marriage, and his thoughts and feelings. That's what I bolded to kind of bring your attention to it.

 

What about you and your thoughts?

 

See, what gets me about these MM like yours is that they often use another woman for emotional stability as they exit their marriage. Sure, they say nice things and probably mean them at that moment in time, but when it is all over...many of these men decide to embrace the single life instead and the loyal woman who held their hand through all the turmoil (you?) gets left behind.

 

Why does he have to go on and on about his failing marriage and impending divorce? Personally, I would find that distasteful and rude if I were you. What is going on in their marriage is their business and for him to finish by himself. Wouldn't you rather build a relationship with him on its own merits?

 

My advice to you...tell him to get the divorce finished, wait a year to sort his emotions out (and get used to being single again), THEN look you up. At that point, you and he can begin a completely separate relationship. I hate to see you used as an emotional dumping ground by him.

[AnotherRound]

I guess that's how our entire relationship has been. By profession, I listen to people, so, I'm very good at it. And it doesn't bother me to talk about all of these things with him, honestly. It gives me really good insight into him, his thoughts, and his beliefs. That kind of information is handy to have, and it's also why I think he really is a guy that is being honest with me. Because we can talk about all of these things.

 

All the times I ended it with him and dated SG's, we talked about that too. What needs I had in those relationships that were met, and which ones weren't met. We are VERY open with one another about our feelings and thoughts, and honestly, I need that in a relationship. We are both talkers.

 

Now, I'm not saying that he isn't "using" me as emotional support... surely he is, but he always has, and I always have him. Are you saying that shouldn't be happening now bc of the divorce? I can see why you would say that, but I'm not sure that we could change that about our relationship with one another. It's one of the reasons that I think we were so into each other, we both need that from our SO.

 

I also know that he has been talking to others about this, a lot. He even went so far as to have several counseling sessions with professionals. So, he's not ONLY talking to me, but explaining his thought processes, his perceptions, etc.

 

What do I want? Well, I'm not sure. Off the cuff, I have ALWAYS wanted to be with him. I just wasn't a HOW. It never sat right with me, and we had many arguments about his lack of action regarding his life and his happiness. I never told him to leave, but I did often say, you need to handle it! I'm not going to lie, I would love to give a relationship with him a chance without the black cloud of it being an A hanging over it. I really think it could work for us. But, I am also nervous about it. All the old adages come to mind - once a cheater, always a cheater. I fear that he would not "handle his business" with me either on some levels. He and I communicate extensively, which is his biggest complaint about his marriage. And, we have only had very brief contact over the past 7 months while he attempted to reconcile with his family.

 

Like I said, I'm confused. I'm trying to give a detailed picture of him bc I'm wanting feedback. But, I don't know exactly what type of feedback I want or need? I'm just feeling a bit off kilter about it all bc I'm surprised, and yes, hopeful? And, it doesn't help that I have dated extensively, and have just not been interested in anyone else on any comparable type of level. Usually bc men are not "usually" talkers, and like I said, that's a quality I require in any man that I am intimate with.

 

So, maybe I'm just venting? I'm really not sure. Sorry to sound so flaky... but I guess I'm just trying to get my brain (and my heart) around all of this. And I know that nobody can tell me what to do, and that every situation is unique due to the people involved. So, not really sure what I'm "looking" for... ????