Think my boyfriend wants me to break up with him. Sorry long post.

[Beachg]

I need some advice off you guys please.

I have only been in 3 relationships. The first for 6 months, the next for almost 8 years and my current one of 8 months, which has been the most confusing.

We had known each other as friends for 10 years before we got together. Then he had to go work in an other country.

The first 4 months were awesome. He was sweet, attentive, funny, caring, open - the perfect boyfriend really.

 

Then i noticed little changes. He seemed to pull away and became quieter. I asked if anything was wrong, he said no. Nothing improved, but i put it down to the distance and the honeymoon period being over. Things seem to get worse by May/June. So i brought up the subject with him of him being quiet. He just said his head was busy and tried to blame me for not being able to visit him, although he knew why and had said it wasn't a problem up until then. Then i suspected he was seeing another girl. Although i didn't confront him as i had no firm proof. I'm still not sure to this day if they are just friends or more. He has never mentioned her to me. I just know they are very good friends through her facebook being public.

Anyway by end of June i wasn't happy with how often we communicated. He was quiet almost all weekends, i got no goodnights texts, just little things like taking ages to reply to messages. I asked if he wanted to break up with me (by email). I told him there would be no hard feelings as i would rather know if he was unhappy then him being with me for the sake of it. I made it clear i still loved him and didn't want to finsih it. He said that he didn't want to break up and we would talk about it later that night. We didn't, he went out with friends to the movies.

 

So now it's September and i was supposed to visit last month. His brother was there and he suddenly was the one with excuses of being busy. Although he never directly said to me not a good time for a visit. So i was supposed to visit September for a few weeks with a view to moving to be with him. Now he's busy with a new training program every night, running 3 mornings, pool ( a new hobby) on another night. The last few weeks he has become more distant to the level where i receive a morning text and then a few skype im msgs in the day while we are both at work and maybe 2 texts of a night. Weekends he is usually busy and i may get a couple. So i gave him space thinking that may help, but he doesn't seem to notice anymore when i don't bother talking to him. The past week he has started making nasty little comments, that seem like he is teasing but are thinly disgiused in a peevish way. He told me he is going hiking in the alps in early spring, but not asking me if i am interested. I know this is another red flag, making future plans excluding your partner.

Oh he also told me a few weeks ago he is going to start learning another language. Surprisingly not the language of the country he's now in, but where this girl he hasn't mentioned to me is from...

 

I'm fed up of asking if he is happy. I haven't brought it up since my last email as i was scared of seeming insecure. The last few weeks i feel like he is on a major fade out. To me it appears like he is too much of a coward to break up with me and is passively aggressive trying is damndest to make me do it for him. I don't want to, although i'mm not happy with the way thihngs are right now.

So i have 2 options as i see it. 1. Break up with him. As long distance i think skype would be the best way. Although he doesn't like confrontation and i can't see me getting any clear answers. 2. Just go no contact on him and not respond to his morning text. I'm sure this is what he wants and will save him the hassle of having to lie to me about wanting to be with me, when he so obviously doesn't.

 

I know what you will all say, don't be a bitch and talk to him. I have really tried over the months. I've never been in this position before and am angry and confused that he is seemingly forcing me to break up with him by playing up to my insecurities. I feel like has treated me like a fool or just pities me, which is worse.

Any advice on how to approach this would be appreciated.

[gullibleme]

I have to say he is trying to ease his way out in a cowardly way..and passive aggressive is exactly what he is doing. My ex did it to me to....I felt exactly how you are...foolish and pitied....the humiliation will make you feel horrible in the end I still sting from it from time to time...I think ugh!!! how could I have been so stupid and not see it. Take the high road and go NC...

 

He will undoubtedly try to ease his conscience by sending you little texts now and again like how are you and blah blah blah...but don't fall for it.

 

Just remember all the things he is doing right now...you will need to remember to move on to someone better...passive aggressiveness is not what you want is it? They don't get better...they can't communicate and that in a nutshell is what it really is....you may be swallowing your pride so to speak and giving him what he is asking but it will save you the humiliation in the end...good luck and go NC!!!

[KatZee]

My ex acted this way too before he officially ended it. I think he was trying to get me to do it, but I was in love with him so it wasn't going to happen... so I guess he had to.

 

He was suddenly busy all the time. He even said to me a few times, "I have no time for you. I can't even give you one day a week for date night."

 

He then started referring to things as, "I don't know what I'M doing..." as opposed to what he used to say, "I don't know what WE'RE doing."

 

He stopped coming out when I invited him to my family dinners. He stopped inviting me to HIS family's functions.

 

The communication pretty much stopped. I would get a couple texts a day, whereas before he couldn't get enough of me, we'd talk 24/7 he'd call just to hear my voice. Now I was lucky if I could get him for 5 minutes on the phone.

 

He was snippier with me, criticizing me a lot...

 

I think your boyfriend is definitely checked out. And definitely being cowardly about it. I think the only way he'd end it officially is if he knew for certain something would come of his new "close friend."

[Beachg]

I have to say he is trying to ease his way out in a cowardly way..and passive aggressive is exactly what he is doing. My ex did it to me to....I felt exactly how you are...foolish and pitied....the humiliation will make you feel horrible in the end I still sting from it from time to time...I think ugh!!! how could I have been so stupid and not see it. Take the high road and go NC...

 

He will undoubtedly try to ease his conscience by sending you little texts now and again like how are you and blah blah blah...but don't fall for it.

 

Just remember all the things he is doing right now...you will need to remember to move on to someone better...passive aggressiveness is not what you want is it? They don't get better...they can't communicate and that in a nutshell is what it really is....you may be swallowing your pride so to speak and giving him what he is asking but it will save you the humiliation in the end...good luck and go NC!!!

 

Sorry you went through a similar thing gullibleme. Makes you wonder why they do it to us doesn't it? I made it clear from the outset i don't play games and i'm upfront. He even told me to tell me all my worries as he wanted us to be 100% honest with each other - lol!

I can only assume this tactic is used as they don't want to deal with us being upset, and in their heads they think they are doing the right thing by us....

 

The humiliation sucks. I now think how long has he been checked out for and gritting his teeth while he says he loves me. Yeah i'm the same, i can see so many red flags now. Him chucking me crumbs and telling me stuff duplicitly. God i feel stupid for ignoring those gut feelings and warning signs. Why he couldn't have just been honest months ago?

 

No you're right. Who wants the passive aggressive treatment? The worst thing is he is normally such a nice guy, although i can see he will have used this before on his ex's from what he says to me, making himself look like the badly done by one.

I know in the long run i need to do what he wants for my own happiness. No point dragging this out any longer Thanks for the good luck. If only they had the balls to man up and do the right thing we wouldn't find ourselves feeling so bad.

[Beachg]

My ex acted this way too before he officially ended it. I think he was trying to get me to do it, but I was in love with him so it wasn't going to happen... so I guess he had to.

 

He was suddenly busy all the time. He even said to me a few times, "I have no time for you. I can't even give you one day a week for date night."

 

He then started referring to things as, "I don't know what I'M doing..." as opposed to what he used to say, "I don't know what WE'RE doing."

 

He stopped coming out when I invited him to my family dinners. He stopped inviting me to HIS family's functions.

 

The communication pretty much stopped. I would get a couple texts a day, whereas before he couldn't get enough of me, we'd talk 24/7 he'd call just to hear my voice. Now I was lucky if I could get him for 5 minutes on the phone.

 

He was snippier with me, criticizing me a lot...

 

I think your boyfriend is definitely checked out. And definitely being cowardly about it. I think the only way he'd end it officially is if he knew for certain something would come of his new "close friend."

 

Thanks for taking time to reply KatZee. There seems to be a few spineless guys around who try to force us to do their dirty work when we are still in love with them.

Our boyfriends or ex's (to be) seem to be very similar. I'm getting the i'm busy doing this or that or the other. Or tired from all the training he's doing. Or at work having lots of deadlines etc, when i can tell he is on skype chatting to other people.

Also instead of we i'm getting i'm going camping in a few weeks, or i'm doing this...No more we.

Yep ditto with the communication almost stopping. He used to blow up my phone if he hadn't heard from me within the hour, or apologise if he was being quiet because he was at work or out or whatever. I was fine with that as he at least had enough respect for me then to care about my feelings.

 

I'm not getting the critisicism yet, and don't intend to. He has become obnoxious enough lately, verging on rude. Amazing how he has changed really. Although i have noticed the love you's have tapered off from often to rare and now he doesn't seem to bother checking in with me much.

Although i'm gutted, he has been checking out on me for a while so i am kind of getting used to him not being there so much. Although it still hurts and i'm angry at myself for not doing something months ago. But that's what love does i guess, makes us blind to theor actions or make excuses for them.

 

I have a feeling that because it may be becoming serious with his new close friend, which may be why he's now becoming more in your face about his true feelings for me