mysteryscape Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Hope this not too much a duplicate of other threads, it is about my own puzzlement. Am new to OLD after many years where dating wasn't an issue. In the old days I was used to dating one person at a time -- it never occurred to me to try to have more than one romantic relationship at a time -- I mean romantic, not necessarily involving sex. I learned young that it led to disaster, hurt feelings, one or more person feeling really lousy, just awful unless I made myself really callous. OLD seems like a multidating nightmare, just the opposite of what is by now ingrained in me. I'm interested in women who want to have a serious relationship, not just a fling or hookup. Some of these women make it clear that they are interested only in "serious dating," but most, if they talk about it at all, seem to expect to date multiple people, and in turn to be multidated themselves, I guess. Some talk about multidating as fine if they are "dating people as friends." Others talk about "exclusivity" only coming with "commitment" and meanwhile the relationship is apparently "open." This may involve no expectation or reality of sex, but then I wonder what level of physical initimacy is expected/tolerated. Is it really OK to make out with four different people a week? Of course, that and much much more has been going on for a long time, have been there and hated it, but I'm talking about people who expect a certain level of integrity in their relationships --I guess I'm quite old-fashioned. I have little idea what these code words mean these days. What is "dating as friends"? What is commitment? When does this come? What do these women really want? In my experience, women wanted commitment/exclusivity a lot faster than most men, not excluding myself much of the time. Do people doing OLD really do this full-flledged multidating or is it all just a lot of words? I can see meeting up with multiple people for coffee, but can't see doing that with real "dates" for very long. So the whole idea of multidating seems very alien to me. As I imagine it applying to my life in the old days, it would soon drive me crazy. Is there some kind of re-education camp I need to go to in order to do the OLD thing? In fact, the whole OLD business seems unromantic, cold, like a flea market or meat market where the crudity of it all is far less masked than back in the real world, where it was crude enough as it is. Insight, advice, anecdotes very welcome.
AlexCross Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Ever hear the saying "don't put all your eggs in one basket?" There is a big difference between dating someone and going on dates with someone. You can go on a date with a woman and there be no chemistry. It is a numbers game. You have to find the right one where there is chemistry. If you are dating someone, meaning you are intimate, mutual chemistry then seeing others without communicating can be maddening. Being old fashioned doesn't really work in the soft white underbelly of OLD. 1
Lobouspo Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Online dating is a pure numbers game. In terms of expectatations, don't have any whatsoever, or you will be disappointed. The reality is that any decent looking woman that does not have a ton of baggage gets bombarded my messages from men. Now having said that, I did meet my ExGF OLD. The whole multidating aspect of it comes with the territory. If you meet a girl you really like and have good time with, she probably has dates lined up with other guys, so if you don't hear back from her, don't take it personal. Just have fun with it, but keep your expectations low.
SJC2008 Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Don't worry about all these titles you listed. OLD is SUPPOSED to narrow the field and help you meet someone. Instead of hoping that girl you asked for a number at a bar is a christian and likes to travel and wants kids, you just go online and look at profiles of women that meet your criteria, message them and ask for dates. Like I said that's the way it SHOULD be. But what happens is that these women get more attention than they ever have and from better looking men than they ever have so all of a sudden they are too good for you, even thoug they'd give you their number IRL in a flash. Anyway, they go out with these great looking men, get led on, pumped and dumped, men are jerks, rinse and repeat. Look at all the OLD threads here. They are men not getting responses, and women getting pumped and dumped or the guy won't take his profile down. That being said there are SOME women who are aware of this and aren't looking for the hottest, wealthiest guy and want to meet someone right for them. I met one but it didn't work out and I was crushed. Multidating: I'm not a multidater but OLD can throw you into that ring. Say you have a good resonse rate to a "round" of messages and 3 out of reply, you're gonna have to do some logistics. It's 2012 so if a few dates overlap I'm ok with that but after the 3rd date with someone I won't feel right about it. Do what feels right for you.
Author mysteryscape Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 SJC I'm sorry you got "crushed" it sounds like by someone decent. What you describe sounds like a horror, the worst of real life multiplied by at least 10. You make it sound like the women try to play the multidating thing to their advantage, but do all the games with looks -- theirs and men's -- and money, etc. -- and end up getting the F+D treatment even worse than ever. I'm in a different situation, older middle aged man. Even if I go 20 years younger in my age preference -- a stretch in OLD but not so much in real life -- we're still talking well into middle age. The problems are different, but not completely. There are still a lot of good lookers, especially if your eyes and experience are of a certain age. The profiles of the 20 somethings and even 30s read like children. A quite decent response to my profile -- but then tortured by the hazards of either playing or being played -- there is certainly a temptation to take advantage of the multidating business, just like the young men, maybe relive youth -- and a fear too of being taken advantage of. As for not putting everything into one basket -- have dealt with this by not actually meeting anyone, lol! But have sifted the whole universe of the site I'm on, I know who is interesting and where. Now have to figure out what to do with that. Guess I'm just old-fashioned, as I said, and not really comfortable with all this, will have to negotiate according to my own, personal, older values -- thanks for the feedback.
Author mysteryscape Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 there is a "favorite girl" -- but too recent to avoid other difficulties -- old guys in 2012 have trouble adjusting -- I suppose should not complain too much.
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