Exhausted.....

[AMusing]

I was in a bad relationship for a long time now. I'll spare the details, but it left me utterly exhausted, confused, and with far lower self esteem. We've been essentially "broken up" for 10 months now, where we had no physical contact to speak of (except for some hugs goodbye), didn't speak of the future at all, but still saw each other constantly and had explicitly agreed not to date other people. He would show up at my house almost every evening after work, let himself in, and pretty much not leave until my bedtime. I had to push for every second of space, and it caused so many arguments.

 

That period of dating-but-not was only supposed to last a couple months, but it just.... Kept going. We had been each other's lifeline for several years now, and were scared to let that go. Besides, we were both so bruised from our relationship that neither of us could imagine starting up with someone new. Unhealthy, I know.

 

He went on vacation for a few weeks in August, and when he came back I finally initiated "the talk" with him. I told him how exhausted I was, how angry I still was about the past, and how badly I needed to really end our relationship and move on with my life. I told him I'd like to be good friends with him eventually, but that first I'd need some considerable time without contact.

 

He, however, had decided that he really wanted a fresh chance with me. He was heartbroken by my decision. He gave me so much guilt, reminding me of every nice thing he's ever done for me. It took a solid week to convince him that this is what I really need. I think it'd be best for him, too, but he refuses to see that. The first day we agreed to NC (this Tuesday), by that night he came by to talk more. He brought flowers. He said that it felt "unnatural and childish" to stop all contact given our long friendship, and that if I insisted on no contact that he would never be willing to be my friend again. I told him I didn't know what else we could do, but if there was a healthier solution I was open to it.

 

He finally offered to go to therapy with me (I've pushed for therapy for a couple years) so we could figure out the best way to handle this. I told him I'd call a few people & schedule an appointment, but in the meantime I needed real space. Wednesday & Thursday he was ok, sent a few texts but nothing compared to what he had been doing. This morning, he sent a big box of chocolates from my favorite store, which happens to be located across the country. It was the sweetest gift, and it broke my heart.

 

I need to be working today, but I am a complete mess. I am so angry at him for not letting me go, so confused about my decision (my mind KNOWS it's the only thing to do, but my heart...), and so exhausted from thinking about him or talking to him constantly for so long. I don't know what to do. None of the therapists have called me back for days, I don't know why. I feel trapped, desperate, and heart broken. He won't give me time to process the loss of our relationship, and won't let our relationship go. I am completely miserable. I hope someone here can give me some advice.

[geegirl]

I'm hoping someone can give you sound advice. I'm a little lost. But it looks to me like you give out mixed messages.

 

One moment you tell him you want to end the relationship. The next you're looking for counselors. One moment you are heart broken. Next moment you're mad he won't let go.

 

You have to set clear boundaries for yourself and decide what you truly want because you're as confused and co-dependent as he is.

 

If this was the "bad" relationship you've had for a long time, why are you still contemplating being a part of it? It left you exhausted, confused and with a broken self-esteem and it's doing the same thing now, and you're not even in it!

 

I don't think he's the only one that's hanging on. I think in some strange way, even when you say you don't want it, you sorta like the drama and attention and you thrive on it. Toxic relationships will do that to you.

[AMusing]

No, you are completely right. I am giving off mixed messages because I am deeply confused. I'm all over the place right now. I KNOW our relationship needs to end, but following through seems to be nearly impossible for some reason. I've never struggled this much before.

 

To clarify, I don't want to go to counseling to bring us back together. I am strictly interested in figuring out the best way to transition "us" into being friends, rather than a couple. It is especially important because we do work together. My thought was that "no contact" for a few months (or low contact, only at work) was the best way to go. He thinks that's an immature attitude, and that we should be able to be immediately friends with no time apart. He's basically threatened that if we go my route without talking to anyone, he will never speak to me again. We've agreed to do whatever the therapist advises in this regard--if we can ever find a therapist.

[geegirl]

To clarify, I don't want to go to counseling to bring us back together. I am strictly interested in figuring out the best way to transition "us" into being friends, rather than a couple. It is especially important because we do work together. My thought was that "no contact" for a few months (or low contact, only at work) was the best way to go. He thinks that's an immature attitude, and that we should be able to be immediately friends with no time apart. He's basically threatened that if we go my route without talking to anyone, he will never speak to me again. We've agreed to do whatever the therapist advises in this regard--if we can ever find a therapist.

 

This is the most bizarre thing I've ever heard. Seeing a counsellor together to try and be friends? Think about it.

 

There are people who work together that end relationships. They don't have the option of NC. So they keep it strictly work. That's the only way how and the only mature way to deal with things.

 

You cannot be friends with someone that you have an emotional tie with. Period. The only way is to have NC, or limited contact in your case to slowly detach emotionally.

 

Just because he thinks it's immature, you follow suit. The only reason why he threathens not to speak to you if you go that route is because he wants to have control of things and over you. He wants to manipulate a path that will benefit him. He has a motive to keep contact and that is not to be friends but to make you go his way. I can't understand how you don't see this. But then again you want to be friends too so you both are on a downward spiral. Your self-esteem is shot. Maybe you should be seeing a counselor for yourself to fix you, and then you can fix the situation based on what YOU want and the boundaries YOU decide and not because of his threats.

 

If this man was bad for you in a relationship, chances are he's not good for you as a friend.

 

He's too afraid to let go and so are you. You're hiding under the "friends" facade as well. I hope you find therapy, whichever way you can, individually or as an "item".

Edited September 7, 2012 by geegirl

[mgce]

AMusing,

 

I 1,000% agree with everyone's suggestions. What you need to do is crystal-clear.

 

Your story really speaks to me because it somewhat reminds me of my own story, perhaps from the other side. My ex and I broke up 10+ months ago. I initiated it. She, too, was exhausted and had unhealthily low self-esteem. After three months of NC, she got back in touch with me and we both attempted to redeem a close friendship. And boy was that a learning experience for me.

 

Like you, we had formed mutual expectations of keeping in touch. Like him, I attempted to reinvest emotionally. Like you, she wanted/needed space, and resented any actions I took that challenged that space. Like you, she harbored a lot of anger about the past. I didn't understand the depth of the hurt I had caused by breaking up, and how important it was to her to have recovered from that. And how easy it was to smother her. When she communicated that clearly to me, I backed off. But it usually wasn't remotely clear, so there were many times I attempted to show care and affection in what I thought was a respectful way, that she reacted very negatively to.

 

The entire "friendship" proved fundamentally volatile and unstable. It ultimately contributed months of ongoing harm to both of us, which finally ended 3 months ago when we initiated NC for good. And I can't begin to express how healing these last 3 months have been, and how clearly I've been better off in spite of me still being sad over what was lost. The wounds have finally been allowed to heal. That is *so* important.

 

The moment there's volatility, conflict, and confusion, as there *clearly* is in your case, you are fundamentally at a point where you cannot be in touch. Period. If you start realizing that and he actually *challenges* your perspective, that makes the decision 3x more clear. *Nothing* good can come out of anyone challenging your feelings, ever. It doesn't matter if he's malicious or just well-meaning and confused. That *must* be a decisive deal-breaker for you.

 

If there was ever real substance between the two of you, and you ultimately respected and cared for each other, you will have your friendship one day, so there's no need to reach for it now. That's good, because you're not risking your future relations as you take and commit to the important steps you need to engage in now, which are to focus on *yourself* and what's best for *you* for being confident and well and strong and happy again. It doesn't matter what he says or thinks, AMusing. He cannot be in your life in any way (in or out of therapy). He has to be cut out completely, and you have to give up all thoughts of friendship. Only revive those thoughts when you know you're in a much better and sustainable place. And it's going to be a long, long time until you're at that place, so, really, you need to let those thoughts and not hold onto them.

 

I know this is far easier said than done. I have nothing but empathy for everything you're going through, and how difficult this will continue to be. You have all of our support here.

[Sav]

I don't get it. I mean you still like him do you not? O.O? That's the part that confuses me

[AMusing]

You all are right, thank you for replying. I know you are right, other people in my life have told me the same thing, and yet I still haven't managed to DO it. Haven't insisted on doing what I know I need. Enough.

 

Mgce, what you wrote is EXACTLY what I needed to "hear." I think I've read it 3-4 times already, and will read it again and again I'm sure.

 

Sav, I don't like him anymore. There are things about him I dislike very deeply. I do love him though, and that's the confusing part.

 

We are having the last talk tonight. By midnight tonight, I will not be contacting him at all, for the foreseeable future, except for the minimal necessary work interactions. I am honestly scared though. He tends to turn very nasty during arguments, and in the past I have done somersaults to avoid that nastiness. But tonight it ends, whether it ends badly or amicably. Wish me luck.

[mgce]

Good luck. I'm really impressed by your maturity and level-headedness, AMusing, in spite of all the emotion and confusion. Good luck to you as you continue through this. And no matter what and how you feel and how your feelings fluctuate, make sure to treat yourself gently. You're human. This isn't supposed to be easy. That's okay.

[Sav]

Good luck. I hope you know what you're doing . It seems you had it all figured out.

[AMusing]

Well, I can't say that was a fun night, but it was a productive night. For the first time in the entirety of our relationship, I think I can finally say we are on the same page.... He finally acknowledged how much our relationship hurt me (which isn't to say I was faultless, because I certainly wasn't), and accepted that the only thing I could do at this point is to stop contact.

 

We at least left each other on good terms, and that is all I can ask for. This has been a weight on my back for such an unbelievably long time; today I'm finally mourning what has been over for months, and yet a part of me feels lighter than I have been in recent memory.

 

Anyway, thanks all... I will probably post again when I am feeling much less accepting of all this and need reassurance that I made the right call.... But for now, thank you for helping me through this stage.

[AMusing]

He won't leave me alone. He said he understood and would give me what I needed.... But won't leave me alone for even one day. It's exhausting, I'm desperate for some calm in my life. I don't want to hurt him. But anything I say will hurt him, because all he wants to hear is "Of course I love you and want to be with you."

 

He's throwing everything I've said or done in the past in my face, making me feel like a completely awful person. He showed up twice at work today (he works in the same building) and wouldn't leave my office, then showed up again today at my house. He has said he blocked my phone number, which is fine, but now he can't reach me by phone so he just shows up unannounced. I can't live wondering when he's going to show up and expect hours of talking/arguing.

 

I have been so confused for so long, I know I've sent him mixed messages in the past. But I've finally accepted how things need to be and he won't give me even a moment of peace. I've been here twice before; I decide I absolutely need to move on, and then he makes my life miserable until I agree not to move on and to give "us" one more chance. I can't succumb to that again, it's so unhealthy and so unfair to both of us. But the intensity with which he pursues me, the intensity of the fights and the nasty things he says about me.... God I can't deal with that again, either. The last time I very seriously considered moving just to get away from him. But I don't want to move, that's not fair to have to leave my career just to get away from this guy.

 

Please, does anyone have any advice on what to say or how to handle this? I don't want to cause him excess pain, I love him, but I am sure I made the right decision by initiating no contact. In the moments he's not phoning, texting, emailing, or coming by to talk I am so much happier, like a weight has been lifted off me. Then he contacts me, and I'm back to square one. I just need to hear some advice on how I can handle this.