Anyone else fear taking the next step?

[Janesays]

So....my boyfriend proposed last night.

 

For those who don't know my history with my ex, the story goes like this: We were together for 10 years. While I was working 80-90 hours a week, he cheated on me, cleaned out my bank accounts, retirement funds, the trust funds for my step children, stocks, bonds, cut off my credit cards...he basically raped my finances. Then, he left me for his OW. After fighting it out in court, I ended up settling for 1/3 what I was owed just because I was so sick of fighting. In my 30's, I found myself completely back to square one. I had lost my home, my belongings, my nest egg, my step children, my car, my credit cards, my health insurance.....everything that I had spent the last decade building. It was all gone in a single afternoon.

 

Needless to say, it was pretty traumatizing.

 

Now, my boyfriend is NOTHING like my ex husband. He's patient, kind, well loved among family and friends, responsible, easy going, smart as all get out, and I love him dearly.

 

I am NOT afraid of marriage. Marriage suits me pretty well. Although my ex was a jerk, I LIKED being married. I like the security, the comfort, I like having someone to build a life with.....all that good stuff.

 

But I am deeply, deeply afraid of divorce. I NEVER want to go through another one again. And if you don't get married, you can't get divorced, right?

 

Then again, if my boyfriend and I were to marry, I could finally have children of my own. I'm 33 now, so it's not too late. (I hope.) And I could spend every single day with him and have regular sex all that amazing stuff.

 

So here I am. Part of me thinking, "Once bitten twice shy" and the other part of me thinking, "This is my happily ever after."

 

Anyone else fear making a big commitment? Did you go through with it? Did everything turn out well? How did you get over your fears? And if you didn't go through with it, any regrets?

 

I guess I just need to hear some other points of view.

[TigerCub]

Congrats Janesays

 

I'm very happy for you!

 

I understand your hesitation and being afraid of things going terribly wrong like they did with your ex husband. But I would suggest that you trust your gut, if your boyfriend is as amazing to you as you wrote, he deserves a chance and shouldn't have to pay for some other guy's mistake.

 

Also, not sure if I missed it, how long have you been with your boyfriend?

 

As for fearing change: I'm kind of going through that right now.

I'm moving in with my boyfriend at the end of the month. I'm having anxiety and stress issues and it honestly has nothing to do with him. He's fantastic and like you, I look forward to what the future holds with my man, but I am having anxiety about the change and I feel like I'm giving up something. It's really hard to explain, but I've lived on my own for 10 years, so it feels really weird and sad to give up the space that was mine (I made it mine, it was my home, my turf, I controlled my environment and didn't have to account for anyone else) and now things are changing. I feel like I'm giving up some part of me - but I know that's the anxiety talking, and even if I'm closing a chapter, I am opening a better one.

 

But honestly I think when it feels right you will know and you should trust your gut. That's what I'm doing and that's why I know that after the move and everything settles, it will all be worth it.

[Silly_Girl]

I haven't made any commitments as such, except to love my boyfriend and I found it very hard. Well, easy on the one hand, he's fab, but hard. Hard to trust, hard to believe he wasn't 'like the others', hard to accept that no red flags MEANS no red flags. Just hard to let go of my security railing and jump off the edge where I would be unsafe and at risk of hurt and at risk of no 'happy ending'. In the end I either did it all, or I got out. It wouldn't have worked for him or for me if I'd tried to take a middle road.

 

I completely understand your reticence, but I hope that you manage to work through it and enjoy fully what you're lucky enough to have

[amaysngrace]

Fear can ruin your life if you let it.

 

Don't let it.

 

What's the worst that can happen? Something you have already lived through. That gives you experience in handling things if it all goes south which it probably won't but at least you've already been there and lived to tell about it.

 

Don't let fear control your life. That is no way to "live".

[Janesays]

Thanks for the encouraging words everyone! I did say yes, however hesitantly. Cross your fingers for me!

[Ninjainpajamas]

I've had a big fear of commitment which resonates from my experience going through my parents horrible divorce where I was caught too much in the middle and I struggled trying to understand who's fault it was and how the impossible came to be. It felt like my parents were my world and when they divorced even though the marriage wasn't stable by any means and there was a lot of destruction in it, It was still in a sense a safety net as a young teenager and something I never expected to end and go away.

 

Everything changed after that...and it seemed like I still had yet to see the worst my parents could be...to themselves and to each other.

 

That always resonated deeply within me and marriage has always been a big fear factor even though it wasn't my personal relationship experience that inspired it, I harbor the same kinds of anxieties and fears that many probably fear in terms of trust. I never want to experience vulnerability like that again, so I always try to maintain some control, to make sure that the train never blind sides me again that drags me through the rails for the next X amount of years.

 

It's a difficult thing for me to overcome, in fact I was surprised to find how big of a role It played in my life when I first even realized it. However I came to a conclusion that there was rational fears and irrational fears, and If there wasn't any kind of rational fear I'd create one in order to distance myself and give myself some separation and control so that I wouldn't feel so vulnerable.

 

It's extremely hard to build trust in a relationship when that trust that is trying to be built isn't necessarily about the other person...the other person can be prefect, never given you a reason not to trust them....as was with the majority of my relationships, at least the serious ones. When I was younger there were a few infractions, before I became a "cheater", however those infractions blew up big...they were clearly wrong and undeniable and I think that's what led me to doing what I did, before that I was strong to my word, it was my bond, but when I realized others didn't play by the rules it put a bad taste in my mouth....so to try and maintain some control and resist the vulnerability by depending on just one person...one person who may hurt me very deeply, even though they have not done anything yet, I was surprised and taken off guard the last time with my parents divorce and these other infractions in my early teen relationships that It gave me enough fuel to the fire to put up my walls...and high.

 

I know I try to rationalize things to convince myself to trust and tell myself I should take leaps of faith in certain aspects...I think it's partly true however I realize that pushing myself to do something I am not truly comfortable and ready with only increases the anxiety and stress for me after I make the decision...I don't get this sigh of relief or reach this emotional place I would hope I would get because no matter what is "proven" to me, I'm always worried about the snake popping out of the hole to get me...the one thing I didn't see or notice.

 

People always say that you don't know the future and you can't predict the future...however I've found that an unreliable consolation, and I fear that people often make any excuse they want in order to go down the road they want to...even If they know it's a bad idea. I think we all try to convince ourselves something is better or more different than it actually is, because emotionally we want to believe that some miracle can come into play and everything will be ok. Some people are far more compromising in their happiness and other facets of themselves in order to attain one thing that makes them feel more complete in the big picture, and that's why I think people typically settle...It's unfortunate when that fire dies out in the end for something by choice IMO, as If everything you believed in and fought for in the past was just a false reality and expectation. Maybe I'm just stubborn for not giving up on certain beliefs.

 

At any rate...in my life so far the things that have been resolved in my life that were tough issues always took hard work to overcome, lots of communication and expression, and a development of understanding your mistakes even If that takes you making more. Developing self-awareness and being able to search within yourself for the answers instead of waiting for someone or something else to fix you...or even worse, a miracle that never comes.

 

I'm not a man of great faith because I know If I want to cross a river the bridge isn't going to build itself just by wishing for one to appear, or hoping someone will build one for me, or the water will subside or maybe the current. I don't wish for miracles, I know things in life taking a grueling effort, often times to the point where you feel like you can't do it and you fail over and over again before success. But having a plan, pushing yourself out of your comfort zones, and communicating your deepest fears and insecurities with your partner is not only necessary IMO but also healing and moving you further along the path to understanding yourself.

 

I don't wish to salvage a relationship by having to be something or someone else in it to maintain it. I want the person to accept me and understand me for who I am, and I have to try and do the same for them so we can help each other, that is the true core of a relationship to me. If I can't truly do that and express truly how I feel and who I am out of fear of not being accepted for it, then that is a relationship that won't last...eventually the bottom is going to fall out.

 

I'd recommend seeking counseling/therapy for your past issues, increasing the bond, communication and trust with your partner by not hiding or keeping secret your fears...you have to give him a chance to understand, you and your emotions are not a burden, it may take a while for things to click and understand each other but It will change the way you feel in your relationship and you will understand each other on a level that will be truly different than likely your past relationships. And that will bring you comfort, security and trust...not a title, marriage or some other thing that can be either here nor there one day.

[Forever Learning]

I could finally have children of my own. I'm 33 now, so it's not too late. (I hope.)

 

 

It's not too late! I had kids at 34 and 38, after having gone through thyroid cancer. And, the guy I picked at age 26, who I finally divorced at age 42, is the one I had kids with (married 16 years, bad marriage).

 

Guess what? I made a mistake.

 

He was the wrong dude.

 

But guess what else?

 

It's all good.

 

My kids are the best thing ever. I mean, FOR REAL.

 

It's not always easy, life usually is not a cake walk. But you do your best, that's all you can do.

 

Go for it! You have nothing to lose, you are using your best judgment, it's all you can ever do.

 

God bless and all the best to you.

[todreaminblue]

So....my boyfriend proposed last night.

 

For those who don't know my history with my ex, the story goes like this: We were together for 10 years. While I was working 80-90 hours a week, he cheated on me, cleaned out my bank accounts, retirement funds, the trust funds for my step children, stocks, bonds, cut off my credit cards...he basically raped my finances. Then, he left me for his OW. After fighting it out in court, I ended up settling for 1/3 what I was owed just because I was so sick of fighting. In my 30's, I found myself completely back to square one. I had lost my home, my belongings, my nest egg, my step children, my car, my credit cards, my health insurance.....everything that I had spent the last decade building. It was all gone in a single afternoon.

 

Needless to say, it was pretty traumatizing.

 

Now, my boyfriend is NOTHING like my ex husband. He's patient, kind, well loved among family and friends, responsible, easy going, smart as all get out, and I love him dearly.

 

I am NOT afraid of marriage. Marriage suits me pretty well. Although my ex was a jerk, I LIKED being married. I like the security, the comfort, I like having someone to build a life with.....all that good stuff.

 

But I am deeply, deeply afraid of divorce. I NEVER want to go through another one again. And if you don't get married, you can't get divorced, right?

 

Then again, if my boyfriend and I were to marry, I could finally have children of my own. I'm 33 now, so it's not too late. (I hope.) And I could spend every single day with him and have regular sex all that amazing stuff.

 

So here I am. Part of me thinking, "Once bitten twice shy" and the other part of me thinking, "This is my happily ever after."

 

Anyone else fear making a big commitment? Did you go through with it? Did everything turn out well? How did you get over your fears? And if you didn't go through with it, any regrets?

 

I guess I just need to hear some other points of view.

 

 

You can either do two things live in teh past o rgo with the phrase history never repeats its a song by split enz....lol....a bit ironic with the word split....hmmm ok.....anyway im tengenting history doesnt have to repeat it will if you let it....love is a risk like diving into deep water....but that water i so cool and its hot

the deeper you dive the cooler the water on your skin....so i suggest dive in its summer....and i am a huge chicken but i do love the water especially one ocean i want to swim in....;0)..deb

[Woggle]

I was very much afraid of marriage the second time around but at this point I really am glad I took that plunge. My current wife is not my ex and your current man is not your ex either.

 

Getting over my fears was not easy and they still creep up every now and then but I wouldn't trade what I have now for anything.

[SJC2008]

Marriage is a serious thing. Many people are too casual about it IMO and that's why the divorce rate is so high. The only reasons for divorce should be cheating and doing a 180. When you marry someone you vow to them that you are commiting to them for LIFE. Sound scary? Well that's what marraige is. If your both willing to be loyal to eachother and work through the ups and downs then go for it?

 

How long have you all dated?

[mortensorchid]

At first when I heard that you were proposed to, I thought that your bf is/was your now ex husband until I continued reading that thread! How relieved I was to read otherwise!

 

First, congratulations.

 

Second, commitment is serious business. People enter them lightly and without much concern. It is important to take the time out to get to know one another, and you sound like you have done that. It's not an easy thing to do either. We all have things from our past that haunt us. You have to go into each day with hope, because that's all we have. We can't let things from our past prevent us from doing something now, because that's the past.

[Steadfast]

I won't bore you with my story, but because of it I too have 'next-step-itis.'

 

I'm closing in on three-years with my girlfriend. She has more than once asked where we were headed, and recently suggested we set some long-range goals. I love her and she's nothing like my ex, but those words made me want to run. She asked that two-weeks ago and I've only seen her twice since then. She's no dummy. She can feel me pulling away and rightfully, she's doing the same thing. I think we may be calling it off soon.

 

I can't go through it again. But because of that I seem to be going through it anyway. Still, it's not divorce. I gave all I had in my marriage and trusted that person with my heart. It's like I don't have one to give anymore.

 

Happy for you. I guess some of us get to the edge, look over and shiver, others (like me) fall over the side. Don't look back if you don't have to!

[Mme. Chaucer]

This is my one year anniversary!

 

I too had a terribly traumatic demise of my first marriage, ending in an awful divorce.

 

I still have periods where I irrationally have fantasies (for want of a better word) of my husband turning out to be a bad guy. I have even had some nightmares about it. I do NOT let those things taint my feelings for him or my overall happiness about sharing my life with him.

 

You know … one of the things that astounds me about LoveShack is the number of people here who seem to be committed to allowing their past hurts or even imagined ones dictate all the rest of their lives.

 

I know you aren't one of them.

 

Just deal with your fears as they need to be dealt with, and keep going towards happiness. Trusting takes a lot of courage!

 

And very best wishes to you.

[RiverRunning]

You don't need to be married for kids, but bringing kids into a situation when you're unmarried is almost certainly to cause troubles if you live in the US - a lot of folks are very traditional and that will usually put pressure on the marriage. Not to mention that I'm not sure about the OP's religious beliefs. I'm an atheist and I wouldn't want to have kids while unmarried because I KNOW about the stigma and the external stress that comes with it.

 

Not to mention my personal feeling that if a guy doesn't want to commit to you, will he commit to fatherhood? Both are lifetime jobs, even if your kids are grown.

 

Congratulations on the engagement, OP. I DO think you want to get married and none of your fears seem to focus on your boyfriend (which is a very positive sign as far as getting married). Your fears are focused on your ex-husband and something traumatic that happened to you in the past, which is totally normal given that you're facing a similar situation (getting married) again. That's what the brain does - it makes connections. The first time around, it said, "I got married and x, y and z happened. Therefore, marriage is bad."

 

But a lot of this is breaking the problem down. Were there warning signs with your ex-husband before you married? What was his personality like - and you say it's not similar to your current boyfriend's personality? How long were you with each man before you married? Have you talked to your current boyfriend about how devastating your first marriage was? Opening that line of communication may enable him to help you more, OP.

[Janesays]

Man, you guys are great. I'm really starting to feel a bit better! Like, Mme. I was having nightmares that my current boyfriend would morph into my ex. *shudders

 

I guess what bothered me so much about my divorce wasn't so much that my marriage was ending, but the feeling that I lost control of my life. I was completely blindsided, and while I've always thought of myself as a strong person, there I was in my 30's....being victimized. If my ex would have came to me and said, "Listen, this isn't working, so let's figure out a way to end this amicably together" it wouldn't have been so traumatizing. Honestly, I could have felt positive about the situation because I was a participant in outcome of my own life. Instead, my divorce wasn't something that *I* was participating in, it was something that was just happening to me. I had no say in the matter. My money was gone, my input wasn't requested, and suddenly I had no idea what was going to happen to me. I mean, I found out that my husband wanted a divorce when I went to get gas and my credit cards where cut off! It was terrifying. Does any of this make sense?

 

I have talked to my boyfriend about this. In fact, when we first started seeing each other, I made it clear that I was still wounded by what happened and was still picking up the pieces of my destroyed life. He was pretty understanding. I can't count how many times I felt like I was getting too close to him and I pulled away in fear and he just patiently soothed me.

 

For those who are asking, I've known my boyfriend since the 2nd grade. In fact, he was my very first crush. My grade school diary is packed full of declarations of love for him. I always joke and say that he was my first and last great love.

 

We have been dating for about a year and 8 months. My only concern with him is that he was a virgin before he met me. Yes, in his 30's as well. I didn't mind it, but a part of me wonders, "What if we get married and he realizes that he wants to know what it feels like to be with another woman? Will he cheat?"

 

Part of me feels like it's unfair of me to suspect him strictly because his lack of past sexual partners, but part of me thinks it's a valid concern. I spoke to him about it, and like always, he soothes me and says he has no desire for anyone else but me. But still.....

 

Other than that, he's perfect on paper. I couldn't ask for a kinder, smarter, more loving man. And we get along so well. Even when we argue, there is no name calling, screaming, disrespect....it's nothing like my ex. And I love his family and we want the same things in the future.

 

Anyway, he moves in next week, so hopefully things will still be awesome after he does something like leave his wet towels on the floor!

[Eddie Edirol]

We have been dating for about a year and 8 months. My only concern with him is that he was a virgin before he met me. Yes, in his 30's as well. I didn't mind it, but a part of me wonders, "What if we get married and he realizes that he wants to know what it feels like to be with another woman? Will he cheat?"

 

Part of me feels like it's unfair of me to suspect him strictly because his lack of past sexual partners, but part of me thinks it's a valid concern. I spoke to him about it, and like always, he soothes me and says he has no desire for anyone else but me. But still.....

 

Not to ruin the smoochfest, but this is a valid concern. He hasnt experienced temptation as a non virgin yet. Are there any other red flags that are niggling at your side that could potentially cause a problem?

[Janesays]

No, that's really the only one. But it still bugs me.

[CptSaveAho]

Oh no....

 

So I guess 3rd marriage is a charm? at 33....

 

How about being single, that usually helps in overcoming the fear of the next step. You are about to unleash 3 truck loads of baggage onto a "good" guy whom in my personal opinion is a "sucker" for putting himself in this situation.

 

While I do come off as a bit of "real life duh" I have a friend in your shoes, 2 marriages down at age 32 and about to do the same thing again.

 

Because crushes in 2nd grade = real love. I think the appropriate term for this is a long term back burner of a "nice guy" I read some of your other posts youve started, hes paying for crimes he didnt commit.

 

By the way, your very first paragraph....

 

 

For those who don't know my history with my ex, the story goes like this: We were together for 10 years. While I was working 80-90 hours a week, he cheated on me, cleaned out my bank accounts, retirement funds, the trust funds for my step children, stocks, bonds, cut off my credit cards...he basically raped my finances. Then, he left me for his OW. After fighting it out in court, I ended up settling for 1/3 what I was owed just because I was so sick of fighting. In my 30's, I found myself completely back to square one. I had lost my home, my belongings, my nest egg, my step children, my car, my credit cards, my health insurance.....everything that I had spent the last decade building. It was all gone in a single afternoon.

 

 

Not over the ex.....

Edited September 9, 2012 by CptSaveAho

[Janesays]

MMy first marriage wasn't a real marriage. Legally, yes. But emotionally, we both knew and treated it as the sham it was. We lived together for 4 months until I was able to save up for my own place and then I moved out and didn't see him again until our divorce 3 years later. I was 15 when we married and 18 when we divorced. The marriage was my mother's idea. She wanted a legal way to get me out of her house and care. She was a disturbed woman.

 

My second marriage was a real marriage. We lasted 10 years together. Not happy years, mind you, but years

 

So please don't paint me into this serial monogamist who marries bad boys and jerks. My ex was a software developer who golfed on weekends and spent hours tinkering with computers. He was not some no good, motorcycle riding drug addict. Unless, of course, you consider pricey bottles of wine a drug.

 

I suppose I do have baggage, but don't we all? That doesn't make me a bad person. I still try to be kind and work hard. I treat my boyfriend well. I don't nag him or boss him around or disrespect him. I love him and I do want him to be happy.

 

I'm not sure what you're implying about me. I have no history of infidelity and most of my ex boyfriends speak well of me. Even my ex husband says I was a good wife to him and admits he did what he did out of greed. I treat people well, so I have no idea why you would call my boyfriend a 'sucker' for being with me.

[Woggle]

Just because he doesn't have much experience does not mean he will cheat. There are guys who slept with tons of women that still can't stay faithful.

[Janesays]

Yes, any second now I'm going to go crazy and flip out. I'm pretty much a loose cannon.

[Negative Nancy]

I harbor the same kinds of anxieties and fears that many probably fear in terms of trust. I never want to experience vulnerability like that again, so I always try to maintain some control, to make sure that the train never blind sides me again that drags me through the rails for the next X amount of years.

 

It's a difficult thing for me to overcome, in fact I was surprised to find how big of a role It played in my life when I first even realized it. However I came to a conclusion that there was rational fears and irrational fears, and If there wasn't any kind of rational fear I'd create one in order to distance myself and give myself some separation and control so that I wouldn't feel so vulnerable.

 

It's extremely hard to build trust in a relationship when that trust that is trying to be built isn't necessarily about the other person...the other person can be prefect, never given you a reason not to trust them....

 

so to try and maintain some control and resist the vulnerability by depending on just one person...one person who may hurt me very deeply, even though they have not done anything yet....

 

I don't get this sigh of relief or reach this emotional place I would hope I would get because no matter what is "proven" to me, I'm always worried about the snake popping out of the hole to get me...the one thing I didn't see or notice.

 

People always say that you don't know the future and you can't predict the future...however I've found that an unreliable consolation.

 

I want the person to accept me and understand me for who I am, and I have to try and do the same for them so we can help each other, that is the true core of a relationship to me. If I can't truly do that and express truly how I feel and who I am out of fear of not being accepted for it, then that is a relationship that won't last...eventually the bottom is going to fall out.

 

I'd recommend seeking counseling/therapy for your past issues, increasing the bond, communication and trust with your partner by not hiding or keeping secret your fears...you have to give him a chance to understand, you and your emotions are not a burden, it may take a while for things to click and understand each other but It will change the way you feel in your relationship and you will understand each other on a level that will be truly different than likely your past relationships. And that will bring you comfort, security and trust...not a title, marriage or some other thing that can be either here nor there one day.

 

 

Another brilliant posting by you. The bolded parts apply to me too...