About my wife's actions, understanding.

[Gaprofitt]

Hi All,

 

In summary, 8 year marriage, wife left with our 10 month old son July 1st. Since she left she has denied visitation once and made it very difficult to see my son. It's just been horrible, she has been mean, will not talk much at all and admittently when she left I bombarded her with emails pleading to get back together, etc which lead to her getting a no-contact order. We didn't email each other for like a month. Now the no contact order has been lifted but I try and keep communication to a minimum and she only emails me usually how my son is doing. Lately she has been somewhat nicer in the emails, asking about our animals as she misses them, requesting me to do a video of them. The whole time she hasn't said much about our relationship and hasn't really given me much closure but I understand why she left but still feel extremely strongly about being a family and repairing our marriage. She told me the other day we have no chance for reconciliation. Then the bomb dropped I don't understand.

 

With the no contact order she drops off my son at my parents house which live next door, she drives by our house, doesn't wave or smile, just ice cold. It

breaks my heart to be honest. I then push the stroller over to pick him up a couple of acres away. I have every other weekend as per the court ordered temporary agreement but it's supervised which I can't stand but it's only temporary. My sister-in-law or mother comes over, they want to see him anyway so it's not a huge deal.

 

This weekend I am celebrating his birthday as it's Monday, I ask to be able to see him on Monday if possible. Via her attorney she said I could come to the large aquarium in our city and we would both spend 2 hours walking around the aquarium just me, her and our son while her family stays in a different area.

 

How do we go from no-contact and her being brutally mean to walking around an aquarium together? Is this a legal move, is she testing the waters to see how she feels around me? I have no understanding why she is doing this.

 

I broke down last night and told her I loved her and our family and she knows how I feel, etc. I just can't fathom why she wants to be around me.

 

Greg

[hinatticus]

My ex does this all the time. Says its because she wants our son to see us together. Has nothing to do with reconciling. Just family time. Give it time and stop thinking about her motives. I was a huge disaster during the first few months. 6 months later I feel better about myself.

 

Good luck

[Gaprofitt]

My ex does this all the time. Says its because she wants our son to see us together. Has nothing to do with reconciling. Just family time. Give it time and stop thinking about her motives. I was a huge disaster during the first few months. 6 months later I feel better about myself.

 

Good luck

 

She nixed me seeing my son on his birthday on Monday since I wouldn't pay for her hotel room when she came for visitation even though she has to pay for it anyway. I just don't get using my son as a pawn. It's just all so wrong and hurts so bad.

 

Greg

[g450]

Gaprofitt this is not healthy. THERE IS NO FAMILY TIME because there is NO FAMILY. Both you and her need to understand this. It's a sick game.

 

Sooner or later she will have a new man if she doesnt already. And from what you described she probably does have one. She wants to play house with you and your child and this is beyond delusional. It wont help your child and will only confuse him. My guess is that she either now undestands this or she has a prior engagement with her new man.

 

Either way it doesnt matter. Get your affairs in order and get a divorce started if you havent already. Painful to hear but that's the way it is.

 

Know that as bad as things seem right now, they will get better. Just keep away from her as much as possible and get this thing done and over with ASAP.

[Gaprofitt]

Gaprofitt this is not healthy. THERE IS NO FAMILY TIME because there is NO FAMILY. Both you and her need to understand this. It's a sick game.

 

Sooner or later she will have a new man if she doesnt already. And from what you described she probably does have one. She wants to play house with you and your child and this is beyond delusional. It wont help your child and will only confuse him. My guess is that she either now undestands this or she has a prior engagement with her new man.

 

Either way it doesnt matter. Get your affairs in order and get a divorce started if you havent already. Painful to hear but that's the way it is.

 

Know that as bad as things seem right now, they will get better. Just keep away from her as much as possible and get this thing done and over with ASAP.

 

It's just crazy, I love this woman, I just don't get it, I wouldn't treat anyone the way she has been treating me, it's just crazy.. I'll go to my grave never understanding her behavior.

 

Greg

[Exit]

I think you might be making this more complicated than it has to be. I think you want to believe she's playing games because it makes it seem like she is undecided and gives you hope. I can only interpret the situation from what you wrote here, but I don't see a whole lot of game playing. The simplest thing you can do for yourself right now is to believe what you are being told. There is no chance for reconciliation. She gave you a flat out answer. Don't look for ways to try to disprove what she said. Just take it.

 

I don't think the birthday arrangement was playing games or trying to spend time with you. After all, there is another aspect to this situation aside from just you and her, and that's your son. She suggested you all going together so he could see both of his parents on his birthday. It wasn't about her going back on her word about no chance of reconciliation, it wasn't about her wanting to spend time with you or send you mixed signals.

 

If she wanted to play games with you, she would never say something as firm as "no chance". She'd just be sabotaging her own efforts if she says stuff like that. I think she would only say that if she meant it and you should believe it. If she wanted to string you along or make you think there's a chance, she's a woman, she'd know how to mess with you head. Telling someone they have no chance if you want to keep them strung along is not a likely tactic.

 

I'm not saying any of this is your fault, but you are now responsible for your own safety and emotional well-being, so you need to step your guard up instead of analyzing everything she says and letting it decide if you are going to have a good day or a bad day. The sooner you take what she said at face value, that there's no chance, you can grieve the loss and start to worry about yourself.

 

How she can only be 10 months into bringing a new life into this world and then decide that she no longer wants to be with the partner that she created that life with is beyond me. I don't care what you think you might have done wrong in the relationship, people who break up families like this are what is wrong with the world today. It would be a little different between two people with grown children, 18 years since you created that life together and can't work things out anymore, but 10 months? Why bring a life into this world and then bail on the partnership? Very immature and damaging to everyone involved.

 

I would say 1) accept that it is done. If she ever comes to her senses, that's her problem to take care of. You don't need to struggle to keep yourself in this position where you're waiting to see what happens. She told you no chance, so start acting like it. If she ever changes her mind, it will be her job to bring you back into the partnership, not your job to sit around and wait it out. And 2) start analyzing your interactions with her from the perspective of what would be good for your son and not you. The thing with the birthday at the aquarium should have never been allowed to change into "is this about us? does she want to see me?" in your mind. That's being kind of selfish. It was about your son.

 

And although she says it is all over, yes there still should and will be "family time" where both parents are around, unless you absolutely want to only have shared but separate custody where all 3 of you will never be together at once. So you'll have to figure out how to handle it and you'll have to understand that it doesn't mean she wants to get back together just because there is an opportunity to all be together at once.

[Gaprofitt]

I think you might be making this more complicated than it has to be. I think you want to believe she's playing games because it makes it seem like she is undecided and gives you hope. I can only interpret the situation from what you wrote here, but I don't see a whole lot of game playing. The simplest thing you can do for yourself right now is to believe what you are being told. There is no chance for reconciliation. She gave you a flat out answer. Don't look for ways to try to disprove what she said. Just take it.

 

I don't think the birthday arrangement was playing games or trying to spend time with you. After all, there is another aspect to this situation aside from just you and her, and that's your son. She suggested you all going together so he could see both of his parents on his birthday. It wasn't about her going back on her word about no chance of reconciliation, it wasn't about her wanting to spend time with you or send you mixed signals.

 

If she wanted to play games with you, she would never say something as firm as "no chance". She'd just be sabotaging her own efforts if she says stuff like that. I think she would only say that if she meant it and you should believe it. If she wanted to string you along or make you think there's a chance, she's a woman, she'd know how to mess with you head. Telling someone they have no chance if you want to keep them strung along is not a likely tactic.

 

I'm not saying any of this is your fault, but you are now responsible for your own safety and emotional well-being, so you need to step your guard up instead of analyzing everything she says and letting it decide if you are going to have a good day or a bad day. The sooner you take what she said at face value, that there's no chance, you can grieve the loss and start to worry about yourself.

 

How she can only be 10 months into bringing a new life into this world and then decide that she no longer wants to be with the partner that she created that life with is beyond me. I don't care what you think you might have done wrong in the relationship, people who break up families like this are what is wrong with the world today. It would be a little different between two people with grown children, 18 years since you created that life together and can't work things out anymore, but 10 months? Why bring a life into this world and then bail on the partnership? Very immature and damaging to everyone involved.

 

I would say 1) accept that it is done. If she ever comes to her senses, that's her problem to take care of. You don't need to struggle to keep yourself in this position where you're waiting to see what happens. She told you no chance, so start acting like it. If she ever changes her mind, it will be her job to bring you back into the partnership, not your job to sit around and wait it out. And 2) start analyzing your interactions with her from the perspective of what would be good for your son and not you. The thing with the birthday at the aquarium should have never been allowed to change into "is this about us? does she want to see me?" in your mind. That's being kind of selfish. It was about your son.

 

And although she says it is all over, yes there still should and will be "family time" where both parents are around, unless you absolutely want to only have shared but separate custody where all 3 of you will never be together at once. So you'll have to figure out how to handle it and you'll have to understand that it doesn't mean she wants to get back together just because there is an opportunity to all be together at once.

 

What bothers me the most isn't really going to the aquarium, it's the principal of her deciding I couldn't go because I wouldn't pay for a hotel she has to pay for anyway for visitation. My whole family just doesn't understand it at all.

 

Greg