FreeRider Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Hi All, I'm married to a Japanese woman, for 8 years now. Everything has been pretty good... in a way. We both have changed a bit over the 8 years. I'm very outgoing but she is very indoorsey. At least with me. Typically, on Fridays I go down to our second home in the country and ride my Harley all weekend. She will stay in the Condo indoors, and read Japanese comics all weekend. I'm not making her wrong, thats just what she likes to do to relax and I respect that. We both make very good money, each making over 100K a year. We dont have any trust issues or anything like that. However, we both agree we have absolutely NOTHING in common. I'm Christian, she is Buddist. I'm republican, she is democrat, I'm 52, she is 37, the list goes on. Some of my concerns are that now that I'm comfortable, I feel somewhat handcuffed. She has set a budget, and I'm only allowed to have my allowance of $100.00 bucks a week. I also feel like I'm being held back where if I were single, I would do more for my parents, I would see my kids more often who are out of state, I would take weekend trips on a whim. Basically, I would enjoy my life where I have worked hard all my life to finally have some financial security. There are other issues, but I dont want to go on and on, and lose your interest. Basically, I feel like we are really great roomates, and very comfortable, but the way we interact is not normal. Sometimes I feel more like a rescource than a lover. She is very OCD as well. Clean FREAK. She watches my every move like a hawk if I step into the kitchen. Everything has to be perfectly in its place. Its like I'm afraid to make a sandwhich. Anways, I feel like there are so many of her rules that I have to follow from the time I get up until i go to bed, I just dont want to do it anymore. I want to be able to do on a trip if I want, buy a new car if I want (I'm driving a peice of crap right now). I want to give my parents more money to help them out. I want to be able to take a trip on the weekend to see my kids if I want. Im not trying to make her wrong, I love her. But its not the kind of love that a exciting marriage should be. I'm thinking of ways to approach her about us. I dont really want to repair our marriage. I dont think I want to married to anyone at this point. Any advice for me I would love to hear. Thank you so much.
Hawaii50 Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Why are YOU even making a sandwich in the first place?! 2
Hawaii50 Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 On a more serious note; You're right on the cusp of a generational gap, on top of a cultural gap. It would be a tough relationship to maintain over the course of time. The rules/allowences would prove to damper, but is par for her personality. Don't break her, be nice.
Author FreeRider Posted September 7, 2012 Author Posted September 7, 2012 You seem to be perceptive, and have a sense of humor. LOL. Your right about our cultural differences and age. I dont see that getting better, and actually as I age, maybe it will get worse. On the other hand, she is Japanese, and she is extremely loyal and into me, so she may be more forgiving as I get older. However she is very controlling and OCD about everything. I dont want to be mean to her. I love her but its not like a couple love. Also, I forgot to mention. She wants kids (probably) and I dont. This may sound corny, but I dont want to deprive her of that. She deserves to have kids. I'm confused.
ace5950 Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 you married her and you dont know if she wants kids??? That's something couples talk about before marriage usually. Being OCD is a anxiety disorder that is not fun. I bet your wife hates that she has it and it probably consumes her every thought. I don't think it would be fair for you, her or your marriage for you to divorce her with out talking about these concerns. Maybe she is not aware how you feel. Often times in relationships one person is unhappy while the other person is clueless about it. Talk to your wife about these issues. She also should be seeing someone for the OCD. Its going to be much easier to walk away from a marriage that you know you cant fix rather then one that you didnt try to fix.
Author FreeRider Posted September 7, 2012 Author Posted September 7, 2012 Ace, Although your response is mildy presumptuous and slightly annoying, I do appreciate your time. I dont know how you assume we have not discussed kids from day 1. Just because I dont want kids and she does, does not mean we have not discussed it.
Art_Critic Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 On a more serious note; You're right on the cusp of a generational gap, on top of a cultural gap. It would be a tough relationship to maintain over the course of time. The rules/allowences would prove to damper, but is par for her personality. Don't break her, be nice. These were my thoughts as well after reading the original post. One thing to remember is that the green isn't always greener on the other side.. have you looked at all the positive happy things about your relationship ? You could divorce her, do all the things you want and be miserable because there isn't anyone nice to talk to..or some variate of that... In other words.. be careful what you wish for and make sure divorce is the option you desire and want. Do you think it will hurt her if you just announced that you are casting her aside rather than making her part of your future ?
KathyM Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 You married someone who is not a match for you. She's from a different generation and from a different culture. That's bound to create differences that are hard to deal with. She is in the childbearing years. You are in the empty nester years where you have already had children. You are from a more active, more entertainment-oriented culture (assuming you are an American). She is from a more passive, more conservative, highly-disciplined culture. You're not going to change those facts. She is who she is. There will always be cultural differences in your marriage, and age differences and attitude differences. You might as well accept that fact right now. You can, however, negotiate more of a compromise so you are both getting more of your needs or desires met. Invite her to go biking with you. Plan outings with her which you enjoy. Take turns planning a date night or date afternoon doing something you enjoy. You should both be trying to engage in activities that your partner enjoys so you will stay connected. When spouses only have their own activities or interests and engage in them alone or with someone other than their spouse, they grow apart. They start living separate lives. That is what has happened in your case. Sit down with her and renegotiate the budget. Negotiate outtings together, date nights, household responsibilities, etc. Negotiate some relaxing of standards in the maintaining of the house if she is too rigid on that. If you're not able to negotiate with her yourself, you may want to seek a marriage counselor who will help you both to negotiate a compromise. But you're going to have to accept those things that you can't change. You married a woman in her childbearing years. You have to accept what goes along with that. You married a woman from an oriental culture. You have to accept that she is going to be highly-disciplined and more work-oriented. You knew her age and culture when you chose to marry her, so that wasn't a dealbreaker for you at the time. Now you need to work with those aspects and come to a compromise that you both can live with. Employ the help of a marriage counselor if you can't work this out with her on your own. But don't expect her to be something she is not. Do get her help for the OCD.
GuyInLimbo Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Ace, Although your response is mildy presumptuous and slightly annoying, I do appreciate your time. I dont know how you assume we have not discussed kids from day 1. Just because I dont want kids and she does, does not mean we have not discussed it. I guess the question is more "what did you two decided on regarding children before you got married?" To me, any difference there is an automatic deal-breaker. And, you sound genuine in not wanting to deprive her of that. I'm in my early 40s and there's no way in hell I want more kids. 52? Not a CHANCE. I completely relate to you in that my wife and I have very little in common. At some point, the other person has to make an effort to try new things or develop new hobbies. To me, having someone stay home and read comics all day would be, well, annoying and immature. It's good to have separate interests, but I strongly believe you need to have at least a few common interests to keep things alive and well. Otherwise, you'll find yourself isolated from other people and experiences. Who wouldn't want to do the things they love with they person they love? I would (I currently don't.) My sympathies go out to you if this preoccupies you. I know from personal experience those same thoughts consume my life every single day and it's exhausting and distracting, to say the least. I want to agree with what Kathy said above, but you have to have feelings for her and truly WANT to do those things to repair the relationship. If it's not there, though, it's not there and you move on.
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