I told him I cheated to keep him away and he's back 4 months later

[awesomeXness]

Ok, so my ex and I had a very tumultuous relationship for almost 2 years. He was a pretty bad boyfriend for most of that time, but I loved him and couldn't leave. 6 months into the relationship, I cheated on him, but didn't go through with the act and ended up crying hysterically instead of having sex. I never told him.

 

A year later, he breaks up with me because of my trust issues and because I went psycho girlfriend on a friend of his. We also had a lot of problems, always fighting and never happy. He told me he still loved me and wanted to be friends. He couldn't make up his mind about whether he wanted a break or to break up but eventually chose to break up with me.

 

We tried to be friends, but he hurt me again 2 months after the break up and I wanted him out of my life so I said some horrible things to him, one of which being the fact that I cheated on him.

 

We cut off all contact and 4 months later he contacts me and tells me he wants to take me to see my favorite band for my birthday. We meet up and he says he misses me, he wants to be friends, and to see what happens... And then he says he just didn't trust me right now.

 

I loved him like crazy. I regret what I did and now I feel I have a second chance and I don't want to screw it up. We've been hanging out on a regular basis for a month, but no talk of the relationship has happened and it's driving me crazy. How long should I wait to bring it up?

[robaday]

If it was a bad relationship, why would it be better this time?

 

Ive had an on off relationship with the same girl for a number of years, and honestly it just got worse and worse and worse....it wasnt great to begin with!

 

Guess what Im telling you, is that even if you love someone, do you think you can handle the drama and toxicity that a relationship with them brings? I loved her, but it was toxic and we were going to kill each other.

 

If he doesnt trust you, then you have to earn back that trust, simple. Hes stuck his neck out to reconnect, and if you want it to work, you both have to listen to each other. If theres no trust, its really pretty risky trying.

 

Why did you cheat on him? could that situation ever happen again? Im afraid its nearly impossible to get over that, especially considering you told him to hurt him.

[awesomeXness]

Thanks for responding Robaday!

 

I get what you're saying... but I think it'll be different this time around, just because circumstances have changed.

 

Him and his family were having a lot of financial issues with hours getting cut and homes getting foreclosed and members leaving the country, so instead of focusing on the relationship, he focused on those things and I wasn't too happy about being neglected. And he actually warned me about this and didn't even want to date me because he felt he wouldn't be a good boyfriend and whatnot, but I kept pushing. So most of our issues stemmed around this.

 

Because of all this and being neglected and him not being ready for a relationship, we would fight a lot and one day I didn't hear from him for about a week. At that point, I was fed up and wanted to break up with him and ended up getting drunk and thought "Hey, if I'm going to break up with him either way, why not have some fun?" Turns out it wasn't fun and I felt so bad I couldn't even go through with it and decided to pretend it never happened.

 

Now that he's gotten back in touch with me, he's been doing all the things I always wanted him to do but he never could or would and also without me asking him to. We haven't had sex or even really breached the subject of getting back together, which is a complete 180 from when we first met. When we first met we ended up having sex the day after we met (initiated by me) and got serious 2 months (also my doing) later. We never really developed a foundation for the relationship.

 

I'm trying very hard to take things slow and not pressure him, but it's very hard for me because I get anxious. I honestly do believe we can work things out only because it's so different now and he's actually making a real effort.

 

But I don't know what to do to help the situation. What can I do to make him trust me? So far, I haven't responded to any of his hints about a relationship. I just stay quiet and don't respond to any comments. I'm just afraid to say the wrong thing and ruin it. Other than those awkward moments, we've been having an awesome time together and usually hang out about 2-3x week.

 

And also to help you understand our crazy dynamic more, before me he hadn't had a relationship in 10 years. In high school he had gotten a girl he loved pregnant and she ended committing suicide because she didnt want to have a baby and this traumatized him very badly. We also both have serious family issues that deal with alcoholism and addiction and just straight out ****ty parenting...

[soccerrprp]

Cheating aside, you don't have a good relationship to go back to. Why would you want to go back to something that you describe was unhappy for the most part?

 

In the end, you both need to talk about what changes need to occur, if not, you're walking back into the same "stuff" you left. As for trust, tell him the truth, that you didn't follow through on the cheating (ie. sex) because you had such strong feelings for him. May or may not help, but the truth here is a start.

 

Any case, if you both are doing fine right now, enjoy it. Be patient. When and if he is ready or when you two decide to resume sexual relations, perhaps then you should bring it up.

Edited September 7, 2012 by soccerrprp

[awesomeXness]

The last half of the relationship was good. He had decided he wanted to try and we were pretty happy. It wasn't until the last few months that things got rocky again.

 

I did tell him about what really happened, but he said it doesn't matter. Cheating is cheating. I think there's more to it than that, but that's me.

 

Im just scared that I'll get attached to him again and end up getting hurt. Although I cheated and I seem like the bad person, I tried everything to make it work, but it was just the "wrong time," as he likes to say. He's hinted that if we lived together, I would be his first priority and things wouldn't have turned out the way they did.

 

I want to know what amount of time to wait before even talking about a relationship (not even starting, just discussing). I just don't want to wait 3 or 4 months and get attached to him and have him tell me that he'd rather just stay friends. Im already falling back in love with him... Ok, I'm lying, I already love him and just dont want to get hurt again.

 

I also don't know if it's be better to not speak about it and "let's see what happens" or if this is something that needs to be discussed on a regular basis. I feel like itd kind of be a buzzkill to talk about all these things so soon. It's only been about a month since contact resumed...