katy1151 Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 I really would love some advice. My boyfriend (now ex) met at college last fall. We were friends for about three months before we began dating. I started living in his dorm room about 3-4 months into the relationship then summer came and we both went back to our families. By the end of the summer, we had been together for 9 months. We had a wonderful relationship. No fighting, and couldn't get enough of each other. A few days before he moved back in, I figured (my fault) that he would come and see me before he got busy with packing, moving in, and a retreat he had to go on. I hinted that he should come over but I didn't want to pressure him into it. He ended up not coming over and I was a little upset at him, which he gathered from me not answering his call later that night. The next day he came over and I apologized (I may have been PMSy...). After I apologized he broke down crying saying he needed some space and that he wasn't sure about our relationship. I got him to explain why he was panicking. He didn't mention the "space" thing again and instead talked about how he felt bad that I didn't click with his friends since we have different interests and how I didn't like to party. (Even though several weeks earlier he said that he didn't want to party or drink anymore. When he told me this I said that I was open to going to more parties with him. I just didn't want to get drunk. However he insisted that he didn't want that lifestyle anymore). After we talked about this we decided that we could work through it. The next day he told me he felt terrible and didn't know what came over him that day. For that next week I visited him at the school (I didn't move in for a few days), and everything seemed great. He talked about our future like my birthday this month and about living together after we both graduated, which was normal. However I did notice that he didn't call or text me as much. I just figured he was catching up with friends. Then one morning after I visited him he texts me saying that we needed to talk and that he wanted to meet me at a coffee place. I called him up instead and he broke up with me. He didn't give me a reason and then started going off about how I was a great person so I hung up on him. I am crushed. I have no idea what happened. He always said that we would be together forever and that I was the love of his life. He said that the night before he broke up with me! I talked to him a day after I moved in because I couldn't handle seeing him everywhere. We live in the same dorm. Plus a mutual friend told me that he said that I was too good for him. I needed answers. He told me that he didn't know where he was going in life and that he needed some space. Since he is my best friend I told him that I wanted to give him space and talk to him in a few months to see where he stood. He told me not to wait for him since I didn't deserve him after he led me on for a week (which did make me mad). We talked for about an hour and both cried the whole time. He said he was too afraid to come and talk to me and it hurt him every time he saw me as well. He still almost hides whenever he sees me. He means so much to me. I feel conflicted because I love him and want him to sort everything out so we can be together again. What we had was so special. We knew it. Everyone around us knew it. Speaking of, everyone was shocked when they heard since we where the "going to last forever" couple. But then I feel like I shouldn't wait around for someone who would just leave me like that. I know that he young (we are only 20) and has maturing to do, so I keep on telling myself that he is going to figure out that he does want me and come back. But I know that this is really unhealthy way of thinking because it will cause me not to move on. Does anyone even think that he may come back? Anyways, I was hoping I could get some advice. I would really appreciate the help.
Calico Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 But I know that this is really unhealthy way of thinking because it will cause me not to move on. Does anyone even think that he may come back? Anyways, I was hoping I could get some advice. I would really appreciate the help. First, here's a *kitty hug* -- sorry this is so difficult and painful for you. You're not alone with those feelings. It's difficult to offer advice, because no one can really predict the future and no matter what you choose to do, there will always be a strong sense of doubt and regret. Based on what you wrote, I feel that your ex does care a great deal about you (that's good!), but that he has fallen out of love. This is NOT because of anything you did or didn't do -- certainly not because you don't enjoy drinking! --, and the reasons why it happened don't actually matter because they have no impact on the situation as it is now. This part is not so easy to wrap your mind around, because even though you know it's true, it is met with a lot of resistance and denial: He's young. He wants to explore what relationships with other girls are like. He wants to "hunt" a bit and enjoy the thrill of it, he desires to feel desired. It's "normal", and his urge for freedom is probably very strong. Keep firmly in mind that this does not mean that there is anything wrong with you or that you could have prevented it. It's hard to really "get" that, but what happened here has nothing really to do with you. It's about him, his changes, his growing up process. You're quite possibly ahead of him in emotional age; you're more mature. He may or may not come back to you, but as you already realized you can't really wait for that to happen. It may take years, it may never happen -- and you have your own life to live, and you deserve to be loved by someone who wants you. I think that for now, it's best for you to cut contact with him as well as you realistically can. Don't cling to him, don't keep telling him how much you love and need him (it'll just push him away and also hurt yourself), don't wait. It's a very difficult situation and there's a lot of pain. The bad news is that it will not get better fast. It'll take time and it'll get worse before it gets better. But, and that's the good news, it WILL get better. The less contact you have with him, the faster you'll heal. It's not fast-fast, but it will gradually improve, with some bumps. He won't "forget" you if you are not around and right now you could at most "force" him to be with you, and not only would that not last, it's also not what you want.
Author katy1151 Posted September 7, 2012 Author Posted September 7, 2012 Calico: Thank you so much for your advice. It's hard to grasp that he has fallen out of love with me when there were hardly any warning signs. It seems like a week ago we were still madly in love. I am worried about having no contact. I see him at least twice a day since we go to a small school and live in the same dorm. I'm NOT going to beg for him back though. But, the fact that I can't talk to my best friend kills me each time I see him. It's hard going from being each others everything to nothing. Being back at school is extremely difficult as well. This place is filled with triggers that remind me of all of the wonderful times we had together. Sleeping alone is also awful. However I am trying to distract myself by spending a lot of time with my great support system of friends and family. One thing that I do find odd (even though you mentioned that the reason why he left isn't important, which I understand but am having a hard time grasping) is that I have friends that say he isn't flirting with any girls at parties. Also, when I stopped by his room it was still filled with things that were ours, like stuffed animals we won at the fair. Maybe it's different for girls, but I removed everything that reminded me of him. I don't know if this means he is so over me that it doesn't even matter, or he isn't over me at all. I also realize that I shouldn't even be thinking about this. Instead just trying to move on... easier said then done I guess!
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