travelbug1996 Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 I met a guy 4 months ago that is in the final stages of his divorce. The process has been going on for about 18 months and separated almost 2 years. We are attracted to each other but he made it clear that he didn't want to pursue anything with me while he has "restrictions". Most men would be all over me trying to rush into something while still married. Not this guy and I'm like "where did you come from"? He is very kind and decent. He came over to put a piece of furniture together and didn't try to make a move other than a hug. I have not tried to throw myself on him and its not my style anyway. Here's the thing. I'm all for waiting for sex until the divorce but I would at least like a kiss. He said he wants to take things really slow and he's not seeing anyone else. Ok slow is fine but I can kiss without having sex. What say you LS'rs??
MissBee Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 He seems like a respectable guy and even if I was a bit bummed about kissing...I'd quickly get over it and focus on knowing him otherwise and be glad he wants to go slow. Kissing often leads to more, esp if you're not virgins, so I can understand why he'd want to postpone that. I think it's commendable. I kinda like a man who will make me wait a little...when we finally do stuff, whether kiss or go all the way, it's usually that much better as by then I know they really like me and I know they're not just horny and willing to do anything that moves, but they are actually sharing themselves with me. What are you looking for? Sex or a relationship? If you want sex then maybe he's not your guy, but if you want more, I'd respect his wishes and see it as a great thing he'd rather wait to pursue you until he was 100% free. If it's not working for you though, then you're free to decide his stipulations aren't to your liking...nothing wrong with that. 2
Author travelbug1996 Posted September 7, 2012 Author Posted September 7, 2012 I want to be in a serious loving, trusting relationship with an available man. I will respect his wishes because if he kisses me after the divorce is final it will be all the better. If I initiated a kiss I'm sure he would reciprocate but I want him to do it after the divorce. I just really enjoy spending time with him. You are correct in that kissing could possibly lead to more that we are not ready for. I respect the institution of marriage and would never settle for being the OW. I am worthy of a man that is available.
whichwayisup Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 I met a guy 4 months ago that is in the final stages of his divorce. The process has been going on for about 18 months and separated almost 2 years. We are attracted to each other but he made it clear that he didn't want to pursue anything with me while he has "restrictions". Most men would be all over me trying to rush into something while still married. Is he living on his own, moved out of their marital home? Do they have children? I can understand why he doesn't want anything to happen until he's officially divorced. You don't know him that well yet, four months isn't long at all. And, he may need a bit of time to adjust once the D is final (that is if he hasn't moved out of the house yet) to just be alone and find himself again before getting involved with you. Just be a friend and enjoy the times you do have together. Time will tell how things go. 1
Fitz Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 One of the handiest rules in relationships as well in other life arenas is this: If it doesn't make sense, then it usually isn't true. Which is to say you should stop looking for complex explanations. By searching for complex explanations you are really just looking for ways to rationalize your behavior (in spite of your gut warning you something is wrong). Deep down, you know its quite possible that you're being lied to or that he is omitting the full truth. In fact, not just possible -but likely. But you'd rather not accept that possibility, because you'd rather embark on a romantic relationship (without having guilt) with a man you are sexually attracted to. Hence, you are on a forum searching for answers (rationalizations) to validate your choice. Realize that what you're doing (rejecting the simple explanation in order to accept a more complex explanation) is logical fallacy. It is driven by desire (and not logic). It is the what many here call the "fog." And it is a huge red flag. If a hot-blooded heterosexual male doesn't want to at least even kiss you, then clearly he's aknowledging/respecting an established boundary. Bottom line (wife or whatever else) is that he deems you to be (morally, ethically) off limits. Proceed at your own risk. 5
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 I'm suspicious. I'm pretty unsympathetic to the affair-havers around here in general, but I am a divorced woman. I know it varies by state, but where I lived, it was 91 days after papers were filed and divorce was final … IF both parties were on board. I was not ready to date during that 91 day period of time, but even though the word of law had not deemed the marriage dissolved - it WAS dissolved. I WAS not married to my ex husband any more. I don't know about a 2 year separation and being 18 months into the process of divorce, but I do wonder … why does this guy consider himself to be a married man at this stage? It seems that there is something fishy, or else maybe he really isn't that interested in you? 1
Silly_Girl Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Not even a kiss? That's just weird. If he'd moved on emotionally and was 'in' to his new life he'd manage to plant one on you. There's much more to it, I reckon, and I would suggest backing right off. 1
seren Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 The piece of paper that says the the world you are divorced is the simple bit, the untangling of feelings, emotions, feelings of loss, remorse or just taking time to adjust to being a single person, rather than one half of a couple takes far longer. It might be that he didn't want to divorce, in which case it might take him longer before he adjusts his head to thinking single man again. You don't say if he initiated the divorce, it might be that if he didn't he isn't ready for anything else at this moment. If you really like him, why not just take time getting to know him, even becoming friends first. Or maybe, being cynical, he hasn't finished with his marriage yet. It's probably nothing to do with you why he hasn't made a move, but all to do with him and where his head is at.
Summer Breeze Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 I think you should count yourself lucky he's holding off. Not many men want to be alone, even if they're figuring out their own minds. The guy can't win. If you were in here saying you were worried because he was trying it on all the time people would be warning you that he was M and to stay away. Now people are saying it's weird he hasn't kissed you. Maybe he's one of life's good guys and he's doing the right things by you and his STBxW. If you're confident he's not leading a double life then wait till the D is final and see what happens. If he holds back then you might need to look at your situation and figure out what happens next for you. Maybe you pull back and let him have his space. No matter what, do not lose yourself and your power in it. 3
Author travelbug1996 Posted September 7, 2012 Author Posted September 7, 2012 He does not live in the home with her (he lives alone) and I have been to his place briefly. They do not have children or anything that would tie them together for ever. She found out after he filed for the divorce that she is very ill. I asked him if he was supporting her financially he said he was up until about 6 mos ago because he felt sorry for her. Is it possible that he is just a good and decent person? I know this is hard to phathom for people who feel they have to settle for someone's spouse.
Author travelbug1996 Posted September 7, 2012 Author Posted September 7, 2012 As I said before, I am NOT interested in becoming sexually involved with him while he is still LEGALLY married. That is never gonna happen. He said that he wants to go slow and not make the same mistake that he made with the stbxw. I really can't blame him. I've been married before and I know how difficult it is to go through a divorce. The process is dragging on because she keeps going into court with outrageous demands about medical insurance and spousal support since she is ill.
Fitz Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 I think you should count yourself lucky he's holding off. Not many men want to be alone, even if they're figuring out their own minds. The guy can't win. If you were in here saying you were worried because he was trying it on all the time people would be warning you that he was M and to stay away. Now people are saying it's weird he hasn't kissed you. Maybe he's one of life's good guys and he's doing the right things by you and his STBxW. If you're confident he's not leading a double life then wait till the D is final and see what happens. If he holds back then you might need to look at your situation and figure out what happens next for you. The fact that he won't kiss her does not necessarily reflect poorly on the guy. And it doesn't mean "the guy can't win". So the real problem is not his reluctance per se but that the story does not add up. In other words, it seems that the complete truth is missing. So the alarms in our guts are going off... Sure, maybe he's a good one. Maybe he isn't. Either way the logical tain of thought is missing a piece here. And either way, I agree with your bottom line: its time for the OP to take a deeper look at the situation, before jumping in. 1
TigerCub Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Either he's a good guy or a really gooooooooooooooooooooooood playa that knows how to do it. Here's the thing: - he's technically still married - She's ill (totally a reason to go back & not divorce) - He's not making the move on you, but spending a lot of time with you and making YOU want HIM. The sexual tension is building and if you make the first move then you came onto him. I dunno, he's gooood. But my less cynical side that still believe in good people out there wants to actually believe that he could be a gentleman, but why is the divorce taking so long? (I don't know all the divorce laws), but I thought it took less than 18 months (generally). I'm sorry if I'm a downer and maybe its because I've been fooled by a guy that was "separated", so I didn't want to date him, but we spend a crap load of time together, attraction and sexual tension built up. Its the anticipation that blinds a person sometimes. Tread carefully and call his bluff: Don't do anything physical until he's divorced. 1
Summer Breeze Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 The fact that he won't kiss her does not necessarily reflect poorly on the guy. And it doesn't mean "the guy can't win". So the real problem is not his reluctance per se but that the story does not add up. In other words, it seems that the complete truth is missing. So the alarms in our guts are going off... Sure, maybe he's a good one. Maybe he isn't. Either way the logical tain of thought is missing a piece here. And either way, I agree with your bottom line: its time for the OP to take a deeper look at the situation, before jumping in. Maybe he isn't a good one but man he's doing everything right. Everyone always says not to get involved with a separated man and HE is actually keeping the boundary a little more strongly than she is. She knows he's not living at home. He isn't pushing for as little as a kiss. Are we all so cynical that we have to believe he's up to no good even when there really isn't any evidence to support it? I just don't see anything there to raise any alarm bells. If he was groping you every chance he got then I'd think differently. I'm all for believing the gut but from what's here I see a guy doing the right thing and all sorts of paranoia swirling around. I hope I'm right but who knows. Just like with every R just be careful and don't lose yourself. 2
Jadotch Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 (edited) My first post! Anyways, from a guys point of view. How messy is his divorce? He maybe trying to protect his assets legally. That is what it sounds like to me, having to do with legality, and does not want to mess up what ever is going on in court. But that is just my two cents. Edited September 7, 2012 by Jadotch 1
Jadotch Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 (edited) It depends which state you live in, if you live in a "no-fault" divorce state it should not matter (legally). However, some states still take adultry into consideration for alimony. But that is only half of it. If the person being divorce does not like the thought of the ex dating again, they can make the process very messy. Edited September 7, 2012 by Jadotch
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 I think that regardless of where he is in his divorce proceedings, he is NOT emotionally available and he's not going to suddenly become so one day because some papers get filed. Basically, he might start dating you some day in the future. Right? If you want to spend your time on this in the hopes that things are going to become completely different than they are right now, that's your choice. From your post, though, there are no hints that you ought to be expecting this extreme turn around. 2
Author travelbug1996 Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 Tiger we don't spend a lot of time together and that is on purpose because we have set a line and won't cross it. We see each other at a local place in the city that we both frequent with our non mutual friends. He has called a couple times and texts me everyday. I will likely see him tomorrow and we'll talk and smile and get to know each other more. I asked if he was seeing anyone and he said no and asked me if I was (which I'm not). I am amazed at what a gentleman he is and I won't take the lead and try to push things further than they are. He actually compliments me and asks questions about my life. We also give each other really nice hugs when we greet and part ways but that's it. He tells me that he looks forward to dating me properly and that he likes everything about me. I am really inspired by his seeming goodness and decency. I get hit on a lot by men so to have a man that actually wants to take things slow and get to know me is refreshing. I don't take myself to fantasy land when it comes to relationships so my eyes are completely open. I'm willing to just see where it goes. Thanks everyone for the feedback.
TigerCub Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 Tiger we don't spend a lot of time together and that is on purpose because we have set a line and won't cross it. We see each other at a local place in the city that we both frequent with our non mutual friends. He has called a couple times and texts me everyday. I will likely see him tomorrow and we'll talk and smile and get to know each other more. I asked if he was seeing anyone and he said no and asked me if I was (which I'm not). I am amazed at what a gentleman he is and I won't take the lead and try to push things further than they are. He actually compliments me and asks questions about my life. We also give each other really nice hugs when we greet and part ways but that's it. He tells me that he looks forward to dating me properly and that he likes everything about me. I am really inspired by his seeming goodness and decency. I get hit on a lot by men so to have a man that actually wants to take things slow and get to know me is refreshing. I don't take myself to fantasy land when it comes to relationships so my eyes are completely open. I'm willing to just see where it goes. Thanks everyone for the feedback. From what you've said here, I'm getting more hopeful that you did in fact meet a really nice and honest guy. I'm glad that you're going into this with a level head and eyes open. Really hope it works out Good luck 4
Author travelbug1996 Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 Ok everyone. We are starting to really get serious. He officially asked me to be his woman and that he wasn't interested in anyone else. There was a court date this week and he reported that she is not signing papers. So the divorce is still not final. We see each other a couple times a week and things have gotten hot and heavy but we are still agreeing that we want to wait until things are final. He is still kind, sweet, thoughtful and takes me out on really romantic dates. Its just getting really frustrating seeing him and not being able to get closer. We've been seeing each other about six months now. But things have gotten more serious in the last couple. I want to wait but its been a year since he filed and its still not done. Ugh
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 I thought his wife was ill? Is she all better now? I say, just enjoy his company and keep things simple and go slowly until his D is final. No reason to rush into this.
Author travelbug1996 Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 I think she is in remission. I found her face book page because I looked up his court case in public records. She seems to be really active in the cancer survivor community and appears to be doing well. I just hate that we have gone to 3rd base and I probably shouldn't have allowed it to go that far.
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 I think she is in remission. I found her face book page because I looked up his court case in public records. She seems to be really active in the cancer survivor community and appears to be doing well. I just hate that we have gone to 3rd base and I probably shouldn't have allowed it to go that far. Why not just ask him instead of fb lurking her? I still think you need to protect your heart. Not saying he's going to change his mind but he is basically ending a marriage and starting a new life with you so quickly..His focus not too long ago was on his wife, her health and looking after her, now less than a few months later he's with you and divorcing her. I can see why she is holding back and doesn't want to sign the D papers..
Author travelbug1996 Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 He said that he has no communication with her and doesn't know how she is. They separated about 6 months before she was diagnosed so he has never been there for her while she was ill. He said that she has a bf that looks after her. However I don't know that for sure.
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