OrangeSunrise Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Okay, pardon my language but how do I get the **** over this?? dated guy for a while and he broke up with me..things weren't working or he lost interest. I don't know. WHATEVER. It doesn't matter. The day he broke up with me someone else deleted my phone number off their line and I had to get a new one (nothing to do with break up). Ever since break up I have not contacted him. He can't contact me because the change of number. I tell myself if he wanted to contact me he would find a way. But I also really believe that he thinks I don't want him to contact me due to the change of number and no explanation. Basically it went from us hanging out being close and then after the break up I completely dropped out of his life without explanation. And before dating we were great friends. He said, "I HOPE, and I know it never happens, that we can be friends." I know, I know. You write off the friendship when you turn it into boyfriend/girlfriend. And that is most likely something someone says to let you down easily with no intention to be friends. I don't know what good would come out of me contacting him but UGHHH its driving me up the wall wondering....has he called....texted? I would probably be so over it by now (lies) if I had the same number and saw that after the break up he didn't try to contact me and no missed calls from him. THEN I COULD JUST STOP WONDERING!!!!! I tell myself "he continued to drag the relationship out knowing he couldn't take it to the next level and continued to have sex with you for a month and friends don't do that." (that's why I haven't contacted him and also because I've been the dumper before and know what it's like when the dumpee keeps trying to get back with you and you're not feelin' it). Another part of me says he really cares about you and tried to make it work but we were better of as friends and he misses you in his life. Should I just let him miss me? I don't think he is a bad person for breaking up with me I actually thought it the nicest thing he could have done for me, and I hope he's doing well every day. I'm so annoyed with myself. I guess I know I shouldn't be his friend because it won't make me happy and I'll wish we were more and that's a waste of time. I also know there is a possibility this person does not miss me at all or has even had a second thought about me and either way it doesn't matter. He's not here. I keep myself busy but the thought of him is still there. It's been almost 2 months. What can I do/tell myself to help myself move on from this insanity? Give it time?
Calico Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 What can I do/tell myself to help myself move on from this insanity? Give it time? It takes time, yes. Two months isn't very long, even if it seems like an eternity. When the despair, pain, neediness, doubts and self-blame surface, try and remember what you wrote in your post: If he wanted to contact you, he'd find a way. The problem with the number is a difficulty, but not an obstacle. He doesn't contact you because he's not interested and does not care. Closure is something that needs to come from inside you, not from another person. It's your power, not someone else's. I spent a lot of time with my ex talking about everything that happened, over and over, until to a point where we both got tired of even thinking about it. You'd think that provides closure, but it doesn't. Your mind will just keep coming up with more things you should have said, could have clarified, really needed to be asked. It just drags out everything, and that one talk you hope you could get will not bring the relief that you believe it would. What matters is the situation as it is, the "now". The loop never stops unless you get to a point where you occasionally feel a sense of acceptance -- that it's over, that it wasn't even really good for you, that the relationship had stagnated, that you glorify the good times, and that you deserve someone who loves you for who you are, and who appreciates and respects you. Those will only be glimpses at first, but if you hold onto them, they will become more frequent.
Author OrangeSunrise Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 He doesn't contact you because he's not interested and does not care. This really helps when I hear it from another person besides my own thoughts! It's helping me feel less "guilty" about the NC. Haha, I know that's crazy but I think lots of us have that false sense of guilt when we cut a person who really doesn't care to be in our lives any more out of our lives. Thanks to both of you!
Calico Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 I know that's crazy but I think lots of us have that false sense of guilt when we cut a person who really doesn't care to be in our lives any more out of our lives. Absolutely! I keep thinking how I really should be there for her, because I know this is not easy for her, either, and I hate knowing that she may be hurting. It's obscurely hard to remember that it was her who cheated on me, is now with that guy (after she was stuck in limbo and could not decide, so I walked away after a couple of weeks because I could not deal with it anymore and I approached a mental breakdown, so he become the "default" choice) and could, if she wanted, return to me. I'd still welcome her back and be the happiest kitty in the world. So, no, we shouldn't feel guilty for preserving ourselves and going NC at least for some time so we can stabilize ourselves a little. Plus, it's not only in our hands. If they want us back, or work out the situation, they can. I think most of us who have gone NC have made abundantly clear to our dumpers that we would be happy for them to return. So if they choose not to, then that is what they want and the only sane thing to do is to accept that -- and crawl forward to the best of our abilities.
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