Need advise....Ex seems to be acting weird

[Jai]

Well I have an update to my last post and want some advise as to what exactly might be going on.

 

My ex broke up with me about 3 weeks ago and I have not seen her the entire time. We have talked a little but not too much. The weird part is that I was on messenger the other day and she came on after 5 days no contact. I didn't say anything to her and then she started messaging me so I chatted with her a bit. I wanted to keep it short and sweet but then she started talking about the relationship. She always tells me that she doesn't want to hear about it when I talk about the relationship but yet she started talking about it. So we talked for a while and at the end I said to her "I miss you". She told me not to say that. She tells me it is over for good but I don't get that vibe from her at all. I want her back but I think she is seeing someone else right now. What I want to know is if someone wants there space...why do they contact you. She said it is because she still cares how I am doing but I see more motive then that. Keep in mind that we were together for 6 years and we were eachothers first true love and I was her first partner. I also told her that I had moved on with my life and the first thing she said was "Who is she?". I explained that there was no one else but then she asked me again the other day and I responded the same answer and explained that people do not have to start seeing someone else to move on. I explained that I had moved to a point where I do not NEED her to be happy but that I wanted her in my life. For some reason it does not feel like we are done.

 

Any advise because I really want her back.

 

Thanks,

 

Jai

[popvix]

She's moved on and knows she can dip back into you when she wants some emotion or closeness, but your reciprocating makes her back off instantly since it brings it back to her what you expect of a relationship with her. Your sitting about waiting for her to dangle a carrot in front of you, hoping that eventually your gonna hook up with one another again and be together again.

 

The only way to test the relationship is to break off contact and let her know you havent been put on the earth for her to cherry pick a relationship on her terms with you.

 

So many of the posts on here are the same thing, but different circumstances, so your not alone... I know the feeling...

[Jai]

I agree....seems breakups are all the same. I mean she tells me that because I was raised differently then her (I was poor and she was rich) that we will never be able to make it work. Funny thing is that we want the same things in life and she just keeps telling herself that we want different things. I also ask about the other guy and she tells me that she doesn't know what is going on with him but she likes the fact that he takes her places and stuff and that is what she wants. I liked to take her places but since I work 2 jobs (reason was to start a future with her) to save enough money to have the things she wanted I did not have the time to see her as much. She called me today and we were talking about the relationship again. I didn't want to but she keeps talking about it. She seems like she is trying to hide her true feelings hoping that they will go away. Personally I know that this doesn't work as the more you bottle things up the more they come back to haunt you later. I am not really chasing her right now as I said I have moved on with my life but I sense that we are not done and that this summer fling is for her to experience someone else.

 

I do love her a lot though and would take her back but can anyone give me a read on what her problem is.

 

Is it a control thing? or does she want me back and is beating around the bush to see how far I will go to get her back?

 

Thanks,

 

Jai

[simplybrill]

Hmm, I dont know what her problem is. But she sounds like my ex-boyfriend. Every now and then he will send me a text message that says "How R U"...but does not have the guts to call. Either he doesnt care to call and this is his weak attempt at being the adult in the situation and keeping contact open ....or he really misses me and is afraid to call, because he's afraid he'll beg me to come back to him.

 

It IS a control thing. It sounds like she's pulling the strings to your heart, because you're letting her have the control. I understand its tough, because you care for her still.

 

I know you're open to wanting to be back with er, but im sorry she may just be playing with your emotions because she knows that you're still holding a torch for her luv.

[faux]

If this girl was talking to you every so often, and not talking about her new relationships, your past relationship, or "moving on", I'd say... Fine. Go ahead and talk every once in a while. Seeing as she is making it blatantly obvious she is with someone else, and she keeps bringing up the past, I don't think it's a good idea to keep speaking with her. This situation is obviously confusing you, and you've no need for that after you have worked so hard to move on.

[Jai]

I wouldn't say she is rubbing her new man in my face. She is constantly telling me that she doesn't know about him because it is weird to be in a relationship with little to no feeling in it and she is just having fun going places with him because he actually has time to do all of these things with her. She is also constantly trying to fight with me when we talk. It ends up that I say to her "If you can not speak to me in a respectfull tone then I do not want to talk to you", She says "Fine" and I say good bye and hang up. I really think she still wants me or why else would you do these things. I just think that she is confused about herself. How should I deal with this? I don't want to lose her by not talking to her but I am nobodies bitch and I will not put up with bad talk seeming that we are not together anymore. Is anyone reading into this the same way I am?

 

Think about the options: (Sorry I like to analyze everything)

 

1) If it was really OVER why would she still want to talk to me?

2) Why tell me that she doesn't know about the other guy?

3) Why fight with me? If it is OVER what is the point?

4) Why tell me that it is weird to be in a relationship with no feeling?

5) Why contact me? I went 5 days with no contact and was on MSN one day and she initiated contact.

 

It is like she wants to experiment but wants to do it without guilt. We all know that guilt is caused by things we do that we know in ourselves that we don't want to do. Seems like she is trying to block me out but she can't because I was so amazing to her. I never did anything to hurt her.

 

Jai

[faux]

Originally posted by Jai

I wouldn't say she is rubbing her new man in my face.

 

What business does she have bringing him up in conversations with you? That, to me, is something I wouldn't want to hear about when talking to an ex, at all. To me it's disrespectful. Do you really want to hear about her new intersts?

 

She is constantly telling me that she doesn't know about him because it is weird to be in a relationship with little to no feeling in it and she is just having fun going places with him because he actually has time to do all of these things with her. She is also constantly trying to fight with me when we talk. It ends up that I say to her "If you can not speak to me in a respectfull tone then I do not want to talk to you", She says "Fine" and I say good bye and hang up.

 

The fact that you two end up fighting is not a good sign.

 

I really think she still wants me or why else would you do these things.

 

If she wanted you, she would be with you. She is not with you, ergo she most likely does not want you as much as you may hope. People do irrational things which defy logic. She does not necessarily have to have a true reason for doing the things she is doing.

 

I just think that she is confused about herself.

 

I agree that she is confused, which definitely makes it obvious to me that you should not waste one moment more on this girl.

 

How should I deal with this? I don't want to lose her by not talking to her but I am nobodies bitch and I will not put up with bad talk seeming that we are not together anymore. Is anyone reading into this the same way I am?

 

To me, you have already proven that you WILL be her bitch, and that you WILL take her game playing, bad talking, and quite a few other things. I think she knows this, and perhaps she is just confused, or perhaps she is getting her kicks out of how much control she holds over you. Think about it. Your situation does not sound pleasurable to be in, and does not sound healthy for you to be in.

 

Think about the options: (Sorry I like to analyze everything)

 

Over-analyzing things is never good, especially in situations like this. The truth of the matter is that people are not rational beings, and rationalizing, or analyzing such situations, never leads to the answers that you want or need.

 

 

1) If it was really OVER why would she still want to talk to me?

 

Maybe she is confused. Maybe she is enjoying the reaction she is getting from you.

 

2) Why tell me that she doesn't know about the other guy?

 

To get a reaction out of you, perhaps. Maybe she simply views you as a friend now, and is confiding in you as she would any other close friend of hers.

 

3) Why fight with me? If it is OVER what is the point?

 

People will fight, no matter what the type of relationship. She could be taking her anger from another situation out on you. She could be frustrated for many reasons.

 

4) Why tell me that it is weird to be in a relationship with no feeling?

 

Why not tell you something like that? She views you as a friend, and she will probably say far stranger things as long as you allow her to keep this up.

 

5) Why contact me? I went 5 days with no contact and was on MSN one day and she initiated contact.

 

You did not have to talk to her. Why wonder about why she contacted you? Perhaps she was bored and had no one else to talk to. Maybe she feels she has some form of unfinished business. I could speculate all day, and it would get the both of us nowhere.

 

It is like she wants to experiment but wants to do it without guilt. We all know that guilt is caused by things we do that we know in ourselves that we don't want to do. Seems like she is trying to block me out but she can't because I was so amazing to her.

 

Jumping to conclusions about if she felt you were amazing to her, or how amazing you were in her opinion, is not wise. Additionally, assuming she is feeling some type of guilt is not wise. Unless you ask her bluntly as to her feelings in this area, you cannot know.

 

I never did anything to hurt her.

 

To the best of your knowledge you have not hurt her. However, you two do end up fighting quite frequently now, so perhaps you are in fact hurting her in a way that you cannot at present understand.

 

I believe it would be best for you to ask her these questions you listed above, and have her answer them. Be certain that whatever responses that you get cannot possibly be misunderstood or misinterpreted, and that she confirms you understand her without any doubt.

[popvix]

1) If it was really OVER why would she still want to talk to me?

 

- as much as the physical relationshipo between you is over, inside she still wants an emotional connection with you. Women are like this. (i mean no disrespect by that statement)

 

 

2) Why tell me that she doesn't know about the other guy?

 

- she's probably telling the truth. She doesnt know about him emotionally.... but the reason she is with him is for the reasons she isnt with you.

 

3) Why fight with me? If it is OVER what is the point?

 

- fighting with you is a way of making contact, and connecting with that person on some level. Sometimes if people cant be together in a loving way, they communicate with anger instead. Its very screwed up but some people are like that and will initiate an argument in order to get an emotion out of the other person.

 

4) Why tell me that it is weird to be in a relationship with no feeling?

 

- Probably part of wanting an emotion out of you. She sounds like she needs the feeling of being desired and wanted by anyone... including her ex boyfriends. When someone can finally find a source of attention or otherwise something that fills that void inside them that you fill - they will move on.

 

5) Why contact me? I went 5 days with no contact and was on MSN one day and she initiated contact.

 

Same reason all people who break off relationships do,... they like to dip back into the relationship in order to give themselves a soft landing out of things... it lets the dumpER get back what they want from you while not needing to give you commitment or be "with" you.

 

 

 

My observations anyhow.

[Jai]

Firstly she doesn't bring up the boyfriend to me....I ask....like I said I have moved on to the point where I am happy with or without her. I love her and I want her....not NEED her. Like I said...I think she is confused. We were together for 6 years and since she was 15 to 21 we were together which means she did not have a chance to experience life without me for her whole teenage years. I do not doubt that she cares deeply for me but wants to see the greener grass on the other side to distinguish whether or not I am the one she wants to be with. Her telling me it is over is a way for me to leave her be while she is doing this in order for me to not get hurt. She told me she likes to go out and stuff.....then I told her about what I had planned for her b-day and she really got upset and was like Really?. As much as you all say that I should just forget about it you do not know how I feel and I know where my heart lies. We had something special and I really think she is confused because she really didn't get to experience life without me. I feel as if it is not over between us and from what I get from her she does not want me gone...and she knows that we will never be able to be FRIENDS so to speak. I care for her a lot but I can not be friends with her because I want more from her. I mean she can't even see me right now because she knows how she feels for me.

 

I appreciate all the advise whether I agree or not. More advise would help if you all can spare some more.

 

Thanks,

 

Jai

[simplybrill]

why are you so sure that she still feels the same way?

[Jai]

I know her that well like I said we had an amazing relationship....always talked a lot with eachother lots of love and affection and solid communication. I can tell the way she acts towards me and the things that she says.

 

Jai

[nikkicam71]

Originally posted by popvix

1) If it was really OVER why would she still want to talk to me?

 

- as much as the physical relationshipo between you is over, inside she still wants an emotional connection with you. Women are like this. (i mean no disrespect by that statement)

 

 

I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with whether or not the dumper is a woman...my ex dumped me hard and unexpectedly. After two weeks I got an email...he was so sorry for what happened, for hurting me. He'd been thinking about us and what we were and I didn't deserve any of it, this wasn't a farewell letter from him, it was something he had to do before it was too late... he understood if I never wanted to talk to him again.

 

I told him to call if he wanted to talk...what I meant was if he wanted to talk about "us". I got 10 million excuses about how it wasn't me or us and I am such a wonderful girl and an awesome person and it wasn't fair that he broke up w/ me, but STILL...all he wanted was friendship. Time check here...two weeks dumped, emails me, calls two days later...

 

He proceeded to call me six times in five weeks...actually seven, but I missed a couple of calls. Once or twice a week. We would talk for at least 45 min each time, often longer. All about his life and what's going on. NOTHING about us, etc. He got his emotional fix while I couldn't move on b/c HE KEPT CALLING ME. He didn't want me, just like this woman, but he LIKED the emotional security blanket I provided.

 

July 1st, after one particularly long conversation, I called back and put an end to the madness. i told him not to call me unless he missed me and wanted to see me, if he wanted to see where things might go w/ us. I told him I can't be friends. Today will be day 21, no contact. SHE IS NOT CONTACTING YOU B/C SHE WANTS BACK. She is contacting you because she is selfish, self-absorbed, and BECAUSE SHE CAN.

 

Sorry...but the sooner you understand that, the less likely you will be to delude yourself for as long as I did. False hope is much worse than grim reality.

 

~Nikki