Ebony123 Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Hi everyone, I've been reading the threads here for a while now, but only tonight's events have pushed me into registering and posting one of my own. Here's my story: I'm 18 y/o 2 years ago I got my first job, and there I met a guy who was 20 (22 now.) I was so infatuated with him (only realize it was infatuation looking back at it now, always thought it was love.) He seemed perfect to me. He was coming out of a very long term relationship back then and I was always there to listen to him, give advice etc. and when his ex fell pregnant after a one night stand with some random guy, and then told him she wanted him back, I was the first person he came crying to. It was a messy situation, but because of her all along he told me he did not want a relationship any time soon. He made that very clear. But of course we flirted, we both felt the chemistry.. and although I'm not the type of girl who would even consider sleeping around, and always imagined losing my virginity to a serious boyfriend, I slept with him. I didn't tell him I was a virgin, and I agreed to a 'no strings attached' sexual relationship. I was so naive and just craved any attention and affection I could get from him. Sleeping with him made me feel loved I guess. Even though I knew I was being used, I just wanted to be close to him. Fast forward a year, he left the place we both worked at and we remained in contact. We spoke every single day. He finally cut all ties with his ex (who he had been constantly seeing and trying to get back with whilst sleeping with me.. he just couldn't get over her.) But he still said he didn't want a relationship, and always treated me as just a 'friend' and made sure I knew of that. So thinking I had no chance with him, I went on 1 date with a different guy, in the hope of getting over guy number 1. This didn't work. But when guy #1 found out, he wasn't happy. We arranged to meet up and he confessed that he had feelings for me etc. (But still wasn't ready for a relationship..) I was confused, couldn't believe what I was hearing - this guy I was madly in love with, would have given the world to - had feelings for me in return! I was overwhelmed. That night we didn't sleep together, just cuddled up and spoke about what we were feeling. He seemed genuine. So a couple months went by of us texting every day, being extremely close, and meeting up once or twice a week. However, I think that because I had such difficulty believing he actually LIKED me (after a year of trying to get it into my head that we had no future together) I always doubted him. I feared and dreaded the day that he woke up and thought 'no, I don't want her.' So there were a lot of arguments. I got jealous over his female friends and he got jealous over my male friends. Also it emerged that several months ago he had slept with some other girl, and she was now pregnant. I stuck by him through it, and was there for him.. yet again. Even though it broke my heart. Why wasn't I the one pregnant with his child? Yes, I knew I was too young.. but deep down I couldn't help but think, I wish I was the mother of his baby. Anyway, I always felt like he didn't want to see me quite as much as I wanted to see him - he was always super busy with work etc. and said he didn't want to go out on a weekday as he was too tired after the gym and had work early the next day, and then he saw his friends at the weekend.. so whenever he DID see me, I felt like I should be thankful to him for fitting me into his 'busy schedule.' I KNEW full well I liked him more than he liked me - but I put this down to the fact that I had fallen in love with him since the moment I laid eyes on him, so it would take some time before his feelings were that strong too. Then one day a girl posted a message on his Facebook - I asked who she was and he said 'just a friend.' so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. 2 weeks ago, he told me he didn't have feelings for me anymore. He said the arguments pushed him away, and he now liked someone else. That same girl who posted on his Facebook. I was heartbroken, in denial, never felt so much pain in my life.. but deep down I still thought 'No, I can't give up on him - I've been there for him through so much, this is just another bump in the road. He will realize he wants me again soon.' But no such thing happened. We stayed in touch, spoke every day as 'friends'.. but I couldn't do it. Each night when I'd ask what he was doing he'd say 'I'm going out with Ellie' or 'I'm going to Ellie's' or 'Ellie and I are going out with some friends.' I felt so unbelievably upset. He was seeing her almost every day, on week nights.. he never did that for me. He even said he could maybe see a relationship with her, but wasn't sure as she was going away to university soon. The night he told me it didn't bother him if I were to be with someone else, just pushed me over the edge. I cried and cried, then deleted his number, deleted him from Blackberry Messenger, from Facebook, Twitter etc. I had tried to delete his number before but always ended up getting it back off a friend. But this time it was different - I knew I had had enough. This was 5 days ago. I'm feeling very upset tonight, I just miss him. This guy was my first everything.. yet I know I got used, I know full well I meant nothing to him.. that would have been fine if that was how it was all along, but NO.. he had to tell me he had feelings for me, and he had to get close to me and make me feel like we were finally getting somewhere. Just to rip all that hope away from me. I feel stupid. I just want to be over him, but right now I don't even find any other guys attractive. I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest, and for some advice on NC.. it has definitely already made things easier, but does it really work in the long run? It's strange, because even knowing he's not a nice person (for using me, taking advantage when he knew full well I was younger and vulnerable, the way he reacted to the other girls pregnancy, some other terrible things he did etc..) I still see him as some amazing guy who I'd be lucky to have. Just some reassurance please. I know he won't come back, and I know it's my fault his feelings changed (I initiated most the arguments.) So please don't point out what an idiot I am - trust me, I know this!! Just some general advice on moving on, coping, and most of all accepting that it's over would be appreciated.
Calico Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 No one here thinks that you're an "idiot" or that it's your fault that his feelings changed. They are HIS feelings. You cannot be someone who you are not just to keep someone else around, even if that was a guarantee that he'd stay "forever" (it really isn't, and it wouldn't make you happy). You already realize (on some level that isn't yet strong enough to affect how you feel) that he "used" you and that you invested more than he did. Now also remember how he handled the current situation. How quickly he replaced you. How inconsiderate he was when you tried to be his "friend". How little he cared for your pain. How little he appreciated you. And yet you want him back. Why? If a friend told you about this, what advice would you give her? You deserve better. Right now you may not see or feel that, but you do deserve to be loved, treated respectfully and cared about. You deserve someone who is considerate of your feelings and of your needs. Start by liking yourself a little more, that is, stop blaming yourself for crap other people did. 1
atarisboy86 Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Hi, I can relate to your post on a few levels. Many times we stick with someone that isn't the healthiest person or relationship for us because of memories or because of comfort or they were our 'first'. I hope that you stay NC and slowly but surely it'll get better. I hope you know you can always post here and many others are glad to help. We all make mistakes. I'm going through something similar and LS has surely helped me with this. Just keep in mind that you do deserve better than to be "used" and you will in time find that person, sticking with the wrong person in a toxic relationship/friendship will make it so that other opportunities pass you by. Stay strong.
Gab09 Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Ebony, don't beat yourself up. We can't control what we feel, and I'm sure most people here would understand that the mind can't control the heart. You were new at this and he took advantage. He doesn't deserve you, go find somebody else who is worth your time and who will return what you dish out. You seem like a very special person, and I can't be told you won't ever be happy. Just trust in yourself and stick to that NC, I'm sure he'll try to contact you when he starts having trouble with his relationship, I sure hope you're strong enough at that point to turn him away. Best of luck and godbless, from a broken heart to another
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