Michael Johnson Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 I think we differ on the split of blame (between Ap/Mp) mainly because we do have different views on what a parent's obligation and responsibility is. So - since we already agreed to disagree on that, I'll leave it at that. As for the rest... You are correct - often times when the Ap finds out that they have been duped and that they are involved with an MP, by then its too late and they are already attached to them and love them and still hear stories of how its going to end. I'm not excusing it at all, just explaining. Too late for what? To end it? Since when was controlling their sexual urges ever out of their control? How can one love someone in a deceptive arrangement? Aps in those cases, didn't ask for this situation, but there they are - and now they have to figure a way out of it even if it breaks their heart. They didn't ask for it but most of them knew that the person they were seeing was with someone else, and didn't care about that fact for their own personal gain. So I don't see how this is in any way romantic or have anything to do with love.
2sunny Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 This is very relevant to what scares me at the persepective to be with her. She has most of what you described as symptoms: - Delicate and cute seducer (especially at the beginning of the A). - Push-pull constantly (Unconsistent): When I ignore her she wants me badly, when I am kind and loving, she pulls back and becomes mean (she says I have too much expectations and bullsh like that..) - Scared by abandonment. Would prefer having someone lined and ready before she leaves a R. - Blame shifting ALL the time : she had the nerve to blame me for not being together. For her it is ALL my fault - Never satisfied : Nothing you do as a man in your life is good enough in her eyes. - Needs constant attention but loves her freedom. Never tell her what to do... - Self-centered : it is ALL about HER, how she feels, how anything would impact her comfort, her life, her money etc... - Addiction to drama : everything becomes a big deal and she starts fighting and eventually ends up crying. - Loves romance and fantasy. Is able to daydreaming, writes wonderful love poetry, says fantastic words, makes romance plans but rarely takes actions to make them real. - Becomes enthusiastic to make (various) plans but once they become real she loses interest. hmmm..what else did I forget?... And I'm left wondering why this type of person is evenly remotely attractive to you? You should be running from her and blocking all forms of her contacting you! Why even consider her? 1
denise_xo Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 This is very relevant to what scares me at the persepective to be with her. She has most of what you described as symptoms: - Delicate and cute seducer (especially at the beginning of the A). - Push-pull constantly (Unconsistent): When I ignore her she wants me badly, when I am kind and loving, she pulls back and becomes mean (she says I have too much expectations and bullsh like that..) - Scared by abandonment. Would prefer having someone lined and ready before she leaves a R. - Blame shifting ALL the time : she had the nerve to blame me for not being together. For her it is ALL my fault - Never satisfied : Nothing you do as a man in your life is good enough in her eyes. - Needs constant attention but loves her freedom. Never tell her what to do... - Self-centered : it is ALL about HER, how she feels, how anything would impact her comfort, her life, her money etc... - Addiction to drama : everything becomes a big deal and she starts fighting and eventually ends up crying. - Loves romance and fantasy. Is able to daydreaming, writes wonderful love poetry, says fantastic words, makes romance plans but rarely takes actions to make them real. - Becomes enthusiastic to make (various) plans but once they become real she loses interest. hmmm..what else did I forget?... Right. And you would like to be with this woman because...?? But the bold is really as absurd as it gets.
Owl Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 You have chosen to put the blame on your xMW and distance yourself from her. It is not a surprise then that when she contemplates making one of the most difficult decisions in her life time that she doesn't dare to take the leap. I'm not saying it is your responsibility to support her but at least it doesn't help to do the opposite. If she's got to "contemplate" that difficult choice for several years, all the while keeping both her marriage and her affair relationships going...that's a choice in itself. A lot of folks just don't/can't recognize that. Those that can often stop waiting on that person to stop "contemplating" and start "doing". They realize the "doing" isn't likely to happen...ever. 6
jlola Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 Leaving the marriage some time, even years, after the EMR has ended seems to be a quite common occurrence. Apparently it does take time for some WS to reach a decision. The decision usually comes when they are ready and they face the least amount of consequences. Always about ME!!! 2
Author East7 Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 The decision usually comes when they are ready and they face the least amount of consequences. Always about ME!!! Ditto to that ! The AP forgets that he/she is always an option. Not a priority. Sometimes there are legitimate reasons like impact to the children, long distance.. but whatever it is, it always boils down to ONE point : you are not a priority for them! 3
Author East7 Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 And I'm left wondering why this type of person is evenly remotely attractive to you? You should be running from her and blocking all forms of her contacting you! Why even consider her? I know it sounds absurd to love someone who has so many flaws, but I just loved her or I loved the image I had of her in my head. I thought that with me she would be happy and a better person. I was naive. Love and infatuation makes you BLIND. Experience has shown me by now that people don't change whatever partner they have. 1
Owl Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 Ditto to that ! The AP forgets that he/she is always an option. Not a priority. Sometimes there are legitimate reasons like impact to the children, long distance.. but whatever it is, it always boils down to ONE point : you are not a priority for them! Precisely.
Owl Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 Making a decision before you're ready is likely to expose others to a whole lot of flip-flopping. Sounds unwise to me. Waiting years, or even decades in the vague hope that someone will(maybe) eventually make a decision seems more so to me. 5
Owl Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 I agree, which is why you should be enjoying a relationship for what it is, not waiting for it to become something it isn't. You know...that I can agree with. 1
Author East7 Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 Making a decision before you're ready is likely to expose others to a whole lot of flip-flopping. Sounds unwise to me. What is unwise is to make priority someone who makes you an option. Maybe one day you will wake up old and alone and realize that your wonderful Nemo was just a matrix 3
Author East7 Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 I will have loved. I will have lived. I will not regret anything. Ok good luck. We have a different definition of Loving & Living. 4
TigerCub Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Too late for what? To end it? Since when was controlling their sexual urges ever out of their control? How can one love someone in a deceptive arrangement? They didn't ask for it but most of them knew that the person they were seeing was with someone else, and didn't care about that fact for their own personal gain. So I don't see how this is in any way romantic or have anything to do with love. Can't your first question be asked of the BSs that continue to love and stay with a serial cheating spouse? I was talking about the people that went into a relationship NOT knowing the person was with someone else and fell in love with them over time, only to find out later that they are cheating or with someone else. To that Ap, they didn't go out wanting to be an AP, they didnt know the person they fell for was cheating, so why can't their love for that person be romantic or real?
Michael Johnson Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Can't your first question be asked of the BSs that continue to love and stay with a serial cheating spouse? No. I was talking about the people that went into a relationship NOT knowing the person was with someone else and fell in love with them over time, only to find out later that they are cheating or with someone else. Doesn't matter. Affairs are inexcusable. To that Ap, they didn't go out wanting to be an AP, they didnt know the person they fell for was cheating, so why can't their love for that person be romantic or real? Most APs are not innocent.
Justinkar Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 So, what happened? Curious because I am shadowing this to a point?
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