Gracie22 Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 I originally told the boyfriend of a year that I wouldn't move in until I had a committment. But I know he loves me. I know I love him. I'm certain that we will get married (it's been discussed). I have been anxious (I've posted about this before) about him not yet proposing....but what if I give a little and move in (he wants me to)? I was afraid to move in because his last ex-girlfriend did and that didn't work out. And I have friends who moved in with thier boyfriends and are still waiting for a committment...years later. Any insight? I've never lived with someone I wasn't engaged to.
KatZee Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 It's typically not a good idea unless you've gotten engaged... too many guys use this excuse, "I need to see what living with you is like before I know if you're the one." I personally think that's BS. Depending on how long you've been together, if you've taken long vacations together, have spent nights over together... he knows your quirks, and your living situation and your habits etc. I'm kind of not fooled by that excuse of moving in together. It's been shown also through statistics that those who cohabit before engagement are more likely to split. Guys can also drag this out for years, as you've noticed with friends. They want the feeling of a wife, without actually committing. And I also need to say, NEVER compromise your beliefs, and your standards for someone else. At the very least, have a discussion in which there is a date marked on the calendar. At that date, you two will be engaged. If that date comes and goes, move out. 3
KatZee Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 If you're living together he's committed, you won't get anything extra by signing an easily annulled contract. So not true. A lot of guys just want someone to wipe their as$ for them. They cohabit for convenience. Not necessarily because they're "so committed."
the ill-made knight Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 In life, I've found it's always bad to second guess ourselves. If your first instinct is to not do it, I wouldn't do it.
KatZee Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Those guys marry for the exact same reason. Touche. Plus 10.
KatZee Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Because it has the magical ability to cause women to gain weight and dry up like the Sahara. Which comes from bearing children, the overall fact that women hold more weight than men + getting older = lower metabolism to remain looking like some supermodel for our entire lives. And HORMONES. I'm not sure if this response was a joke, but it's quite ignorant. 2
RiverRunning Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 I'll just give my perspective. Boyfriend and I were dating about 2 1/2 years when I moved in. Lived together for a while...close to another year-and-a-half before we got engaged. I did get impatient and angry (and in my opinion - rightfully so. Don't tell me one thing and do another). I think in a lot of cases, living together first delays a commitment. You'd think it would HASTEN it, but a lot of people do have the mentality, "I have everything I need, so why bother?" That said, it does tend to go faster for people who marry first, then move in - but I also know that if getting a woman to move in/getting to have sex/etc. is the incentive for marriage, it often doesn't work out or there are a lot of problems. Gracie, what I would do is this: sit down and talk to your boyfriend. About everything: how you plan to manage bills, housework, family, etc. Then I think you both need to discuss timelines on when you would LIKE for things to happen. You really need to know his timeframe. Does he want to get engaged in the next year, but you would prefer it happened now? Is that something you can flex on? Then you need to set your timeline. This is not a threat and it's not an ultimatum - it's one you keep to yourself. You both say to each other, "Sure, a year (or whatever) sounds reasonable." And when that year comes, you leave if you do not get what you want out of the relationship. It's all a matter of how much time you're willing to put into it. In the meantime, find other things to distract yourself from the idea of marriage. You don't want to spend the next year of your life focusing on getting married and not on the relationship you have (and oftentimes, folks who are totally marriage-centric ignore red flags in the relationship because they're excited about getting married). I'd say move in with him - but not without FIRST setting your limits and boundaries, and sticking to them.
KatZee Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 It comes from the perceived security of having a signed legal document, this feeling of security makes women give themselves permission to let go of any notion of keeping their mate happy. By staying thin, not cutting their hair short and by not being a bitch. You know, this is the mentality that guys seem to have... but look at it from the logical perspective. Once a woman gets married, her next step is to have children. That's just how it goes. Women don't set out to get knocked up by boyfriends and to start families with boyfriends. It happens once marriage has occurred. So you're trying to say that the marriage is what makes her gain weight? No, it's the fact she's now bearing children and becoming a mother. A woman can EASILY tack on 50-100 pounds while pregnant and going back to pre-pregnancy body is DAMN hard, and many can't even get close. It has nothing to do with taking advantage, or not desiring her husband, or being lazy or feeling "comfortable." It's because pregnancy KILLS our bodies, and we go through that FOR YOU MEN. Which you never seem to understand? And there are so many pigs out there who then move on and leave that woman for the next piece of young as$ with a perfect figure. I'm not sure why men think pregnancy is so easy, and that we should just go right back to how we were. This won't happen. Our hormones, and bodies are now changed forever. Yet, it's held against us.
KatZee Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Just as many that do get back into shape, some women don't. Not all women have the luxury of doing absolutely nothing with their lives besides living at a gym or having a personal trainer. Most women these days have to go right back to work, have to raise a child, have to run a household, has to juggle friends/family and has to take care of her husband. <--- on top of all that we're supposed to find an hour a day to hit up a gym to make sure we look like models for you still? :lmao:
veggirl Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 OP in your situation I would not compromise on this. You can spend more nights with him a week or something but I wouldn't move in. There is no reason to. Your feelings on wanting more committment (engagement) before moving in haven't changed so why pretend they have? I would remain firm on this one if I was you.
Author Gracie22 Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 Fantastic advice, all. thank you! OP in your situation I would not compromise on this. You can spend more nights with him a week or something but I wouldn't move in. There is no reason to. Your feelings on wanting more committment (engagement) before moving in haven't changed so why pretend they have? I would remain firm on this one if I was you. Good point. My feelings are the same... It's been shown also through statistics that those who cohabit before engagement are more likely to split. Guys can also drag this out for years, as you've noticed with friends. They want the feeling of a wife, without actually committing. And I also need to say, NEVER compromise your beliefs, and your standards for someone else. At the very least, have a discussion in which there is a date marked on the calendar. At that date, you two will be engaged. If that date comes and goes, move out. Brilliant. Normally this is my stance...I'm just bending a bit this week. thanks for the reminder that these are my beliefs and I should not have to compromise them! Gracie, what I would do is this: sit down and talk to your boyfriend. About everything: how you plan to manage bills, housework, family, etc. Then I think you both need to discuss timelines on when you would LIKE for things to happen. You really need to know his timeframe. Does he want to get engaged in the next year, but you would prefer it happened now? Is that something you can flex on? Then you need to set your timeline. This is not a threat and it's not an ultimatum - it's one you keep to yourself. You both say to each other, "Sure, a year (or whatever) sounds reasonable." And when that year comes, you leave if you do not get what you want out of the relationship. It's all a matter of how much time you're willing to put into it. You are right...I need to set a timeline. Good idea. Lots of smarty-pants on this post. You all helped me remember why I said "no" in the first place. Thanks! 1
Author Gracie22 Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 Because it has the magical ability to cause women to gain weight and dry up like the Sahara. Hmm...I was married for 9 years. I didn't get fat but he sure did. And lazy. Sorry if your wife got fat and didn't want to have sex. Maybe it's not her; maybe it's you? 1
Quiet Storm Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 I have three kids was able to shed the baby weight. It doesn't take hours at the gym to stay in shape. I just do 15 minutes of squats, planks or lunges every night. And I watch what I eat. I limit my sugar and carb intake. It's really not that difficult. Unless you have health issues, most people can lose weight if they make an effort to. As far as moving in, make sure you aren't compromising your values. If he wanted you to move in, and you said no because you want a commitment, maybe you were hoping that your refusal would prompt him to propose. Since it didn't, you may be rationalizing away your true feelings in order to take what you can get. That's not really staying true to yourself. The reason I think that unmarried live in couples split up is because living together magnifies each person's negative qualities. I think having that piece of paper makes each spouse more tolerant. Why didn't him and his other live in GF work out? 1
weallfalldown Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 OP...i keep reading this..... How the hell can you even think about marriage before you've even worked out wether you can live together???? Get a grip!.
Author Gracie22 Posted September 7, 2012 Author Posted September 7, 2012 OP...i keep reading this..... How the hell can you even think about marriage before you've even worked out wether you can live together???? Get a grip!. I can live with him - it's not an issue of "can", it's an issue of "will"...I just don't think that living together first works out in most cases (see other posts that support this notion). Plenty of people through out history and today have gotten engaged or married before moving in. Why didn't him and his other live in GF work out? Well, apparently he didn't love her and they parted ways when they both decided to relocate to different places. Don't ask me why he let her move in, I've asked several times and all he says is he regretted it the moment he brought it up to her. I totally have issues with this. This is another reason I said "no" w/o a committment. I'm trying to protect myself while sticking to my beliefs.
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