Author RogerWallace111 Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 I don't know how tough I am but I do like to think I have conviction. Like going nc, last time, I was definitely suffering and going through personal hell, but i rarely had any urge to contact her as it was clear to me it wouldn't be beneficial in any way. It helps that I can kinda see that realistically, I wasn't that happy to be back with her. Not as happy as I should have been, considering having your lady back like that, if it were "right", should ideally make you feel better than almost anything in the world. I felt really happy, but not quite blissful. The pain I've been experiencing this time is not "holy ****, i've missed my one chance, who knows if i can love again ?"... It's more just that I will miss the bond we had, the fun of being around her, and having someone caring about me so deeply. The "passion" had leveled out a while ago. The sex was good, and I enjoyed it, but it didn't spark me up too crazily. I look forward to the feeling of something fresh with other girls. In fact my whole life is feeling more "fresh" now, even if it's at the cost of being a little lonely. I can handle it ...
weallfalldown Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Yeah ^ ..... I'm making sure to avoid compromising and spending time on just any good-looking girl out of impatience or loneliness. Not that I won't hook up with an attractive but unintelligent girl, or hang out some with a cool but less attractive one. But if I'm gonna open myself up and be sacrificing dat precious time she's gotta be fully up my alley... Gonna give it time and keep furthering my own sh*t... don't you mean fully up her alley?.......come on!!!!
Author RogerWallace111 Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 Felt a little depressed for the first 10 minutes after waking up. About half over her and half just over having to go to work... Felt fine once on the road. Feel fine now, 1.5 hours later. I'm sure the fact that I only got a few hours sleep after going to a show, drinking and smoking weed/cigarettes hasn't helped my mental state. I only smoke anything occasionally, but am not gonna at all for a month or so, and limit my drinking to weekends (and moderate a bit more). Being in a state where you already feel kinda sh*tty isn't helpful to the situation. Cool thing is that my hopeful thoughts and feeling of liberation always trump any sadness or regret that I start to feel. It actually feels like it's for the best this time. Last time I only knew it. 1
Crila16 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 I don't know what to say. Maybe subconsiously you were holding back out of fear of getting hurt again (you were proceeding with caution), and she was sensing that. You probably weren't giving her 100% emotionally. She probably felt that and after getting back with you, realized you weren't going to get over it and were going to hold it against her forever. It's tough when you realize you want to be with someone and take it back to where it was, and emotionally they just don't have it to give anymore, because of self preservation. It's like a part of that person you loved died. 1
Joaquin Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 (edited) Sometimes people need to go back for more to get that final confirmation into their head that it's just not gonna work. Believe it or not it's not the worst way to end. You got no lingering what ifs anymore. Your done. You can move on in the knowledge that you did your best. What more can ya do. Edited September 11, 2012 by Joaquin 1
Author RogerWallace111 Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 I don't know what to say. Maybe subconsiously you were holding back out of fear of getting hurt again (you were proceeding with caution), and she was sensing that. You probably weren't giving her 100% emotionally. She probably felt that and after getting back with you, realized you weren't going to get over it and were going to hold it against her forever. It's tough when you realize you want to be with someone and take it back to where it was, and emotionally they just don't have it to give anymore, because of self preservation. It's like a part of that person you loved died. Mhmm. I've thought about that type of stuff. Holding back some out of fear of getting hurt again, some out of deep down feeling myself that it had run its course, and all of that subtly but tangibly affecting the dynamic of things. I don't know if she thought as far as specifically worrying i was going to hold it against her, but at least sensed the change. I think it felt kind of forced. It felt a bit like that for me, but as I've said, I'm kind of an in-the-moment, practical type and was simply happy to be enjoying her company. The last couple sentences are very true. You can only break up so many times. All counted up this final one is the 5th we'd had. The first two were early on, each lasted under a week, and seemed to actually strengthen things. After that, not so much...
Author RogerWallace111 Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 (edited) Sometimes people need to go back for more to get that final confirmation into their head that it's just not gonna work. Believe it or not it's not the worst way to end. You got no lingering what ifs anymore. Your done. You can move on in the knowledge that you did your best. What more can ya do. Yep yep. Someone pointed out the same thing to me right after it went down. At least you've exhausted the possibilities. For her, the final confirmation came by way of it feeling like it was past it's time, and just wouldn't be the same again, for whatever specific reasons. For me (and it's a blessing in the long run), I came to a place before trying again where I was content/optimistic on my own, and could look at the relationship very realistically upon it's return. If it had happened several weeks earlier, I would have been so eager to stop the pain of freshly being alone that there's no way I would have been able to see things objectively, the way I did and do. That objectivity that being pretty comfortably single gave me allowed me to really see that I could/would be happier in a different relationship at this point in my life, as it wasn't that amazingly thrilling to be back with her. I was able to see us as two independent people coming together instead of as some ordained entity that was intrinsically crucial to both of our happiness. Which it can feel like after a long time with someone. Can't help but throw in another quick drug addiction analogy. Not too profound, but it's like how within a few weeks of ceasing use of any substance, youre going to be super vulnerable to the temptation using it again. As you've yet to clear your system and psyche to the point of seeing that life can/will be perfectly great without it. But after a while of seeing this, you can know you don't need it; and though in low points you will crave the comfort, you might have strong enough resolve to not turn back to it. Edited September 11, 2012 by RogerWallace111
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