"Second Chance" & I'm Back Here

September 6, 2012

So, I got the "second chance" with my ex that so many hope to get with theirs. Complete with enthusiastic, sincere promises to make it work, etc. After about 10 days she ended it again. Now my heart is aching just like before. Feels like someone is squeezing it. Feels like I can't go on. Anyway, here's the more detailed rundown.

Some may remember my posts. I'd been with this girl off and on for 3.5 years. Mostly on, but last year I broke up with her, then returned to a casual relationship, which she ended after I was out of line in an argument, then forgave me about a month later, we were back together for four months...

Which brings us up to this situation. That four month stint, where things were going really well, ended with her telling me it was just gonna hurt more in the long run to draw things out and she knew I wasn't going to marry her. But adding how someday down the road she hoped it might work out. She admitted recently she had also never told her friends that we were officially dating out of fear they would judge her for taking me back. I started nc after a week of her calling me trying to be "friends". Anyway, I was quite f*cked up over that for a while. Heart throbbing, no appetite, screaming in my car, feeling like I'd never be ok again - the usual. I was writing about it on here somewhat regularly. After a week or two, the intense feelings subsided, and I began moving forward, with periods of feeling great, periods of feeling depressed, and back and forth.

Come almost exactly three months since the breakup, I'm feeling good 95% of the time, have made some awesome life moves/improvements, and have literally just started (the day before and day of) consiously feeling like I want to put myself out there and start talking to some girls. So that night, I go to a party with a bunch of family and friends, am having a great time, and feeling super content. Little did I know what fate had in store for me. As the night there is winding down, a couple buddies of mine suggest we go to my friends nearby birthday party. His girlfriend is a friend of my ex. We go there, I walk in and low & behold there she is. She sees me, gets a horrified look on her face and scurries away to the back. I'm relatively unphased, go out to the patio, grab a beer. Her friend then comes out telling me my ex is "freaking out", wants to talk to me, and that I either need to do so or leave. I give her a few "really ??"s, and of course, curious me, overcome my reluctance and go in. She hugs me tight, we start talking about our last few months apart, and she proposes that we try again.

Says she wants to so badly, has missed me so much, "knows" we can make it work, wants to do all the things we'd planned on doing, and is gonna be completely honest with her family/friends this time. We get a cab back to her house, have sex, talk for a long time and go to bed. I'm having weird feelings through, not only of fear she'll leave again, but kind of missing the freedom and sense of self I'd found. Next couple days few days she is heavily infatuated with me, tells her family and close friends (who are supportive), wants to get on planning trips, asks me about moving in, etc. I express multiple times my fear of her leaving again and she assures me it's not gonna happen. We pretty much immediately enter our old routine (wherein I'm sure some of the problem lies). It was a holiday weekend this last one, so we have a really nice day out Sunday, things seem great. Monday I go to a family party with her, during which I start to feel insecure as she doesn't seem as fully attentive and affectionate to me. I chock it up to our having smoked weed the night before and both of us being groggy. Her parents and friends are all welcoming and sweet to me. She alleviates my concern later when we get home alone, but the next day I keep having this lingering paranoia that I even express to my dad at dinner. He tells me what I've told myself, that of course I'm gonna have those fears given the circumstances, and to not worry too much. We stay at our own places that night, have a nice phone call that again reassures me. Next day (yesterday) my fears are kind of on the backburner, I've just told myself she's tired from work, is slipping back into the old way, but it's all fine. I thought about how I wanted to have a conversation on the state of things that evening and share eachothers' thoughts on the "relationship". So, on getting home from work, I get a text from her saying, "I'm in town, gonna come by your place." This is pretty abnormal as she rarely comes by my spot, so I start to fear whats coming. I call her, she sounds relatively normal, even tells me she loves me back, and will be there soon. She calls me, asks me to come out to her car, I do, she starts crying, and ends it, saying it "just doesn't feel right" or "like it used to". She adds that she feels "so f*cked up, because you've been so perfect and things are great for the most part", but insists something isn't right. She tells me she loves me, I can't say it back. I briefly argue that of course it's gonna feel different, and ask how she can't want to try working on it, and that maybe we just moved too fast and should slow down. She wasn't havin it. She'd come to her decision, and there was no reasoning. We talked again on the phone after she left, and I told her I wasn't going to answer any calls from her or talk to her if I saw her for at least years. Again she ended it, crying, with "I love you" and I couldn't reciprocate.

So now I'm suffering through the same terrible pain again. I try to remind myself of where I'd gotten to prior, and of my initial nagging feeling on reunion that single life had been kinda nice. It helps very little though. I'm back where I want to break down, run till I can't stand, etc. That animal heartbreak feeling that seems untreatable. Friends and fam insist that it will be significantly easier to get over since it was only 10 days, but I'm scared. I had the strength to not talk to her that night, but the hopeless romantic in me convinced myself that the risk was worth the possible reward.

It definitely wasn't worth it, especially for such a short fling. I knew this was a very possible outcome and did it anyway. I'm angry with myself for that. She was so sincere about wanting to make it work... There's no way I could resist.

September 6, 2012

Worth noting that, just like last time, my brain knows it is for the best. After a few nights just hanging out & watching movies with her, I started to feel like I was back in a pattern of stagnation that wouldn't lead me anywhere exciting. Of course all it took was kissing her to brush that thought away, but I felt it. I wish my logical thoughts about the long term could do a little more to ease the raw, painful emotion of the moment.

September 6, 2012

Worth noting that, just like last time, my brain knows it is for the best. After a few nights just hanging out & watching movies with her, I started to feel like I was back in a pattern of stagnation that wouldn't lead me anywhere exciting. Of course all it took was kissing her to brush that thought away, but I felt it. I wish my logical thoughts about the long term could do a little more to ease the raw, painful emotion of the moment.

See this is what happens. I can recall at least 4 times where my ex came back and I instantly felt the same "old" feelings that bothered me to begin.

I think the problem here is that they didn't grow at all. You sound like you've grown for the better, but much like my ex, she hasn't changed much at all.

She may also have less respect for you now for various reasons. Who knows, or cares anymore. I feel for you right now but you are lucky that it happened so quickly.

September 6, 2012

Yep. It's bad/unhealthy but at some point I just came to terms with the idea that I would have these feelings anytime we'd get back together. Just accepting that I would think "what about the other girls out there?", or "I don't think it would be right to be with her forever", or "this couple-life isn't that exciting after a few years"... But it was worth it to me because she made me feel so good & I loved being her man. And knew that should we break up again I would just want another girl to fill that space before too long, and who better than her really ? But i guess "variety is the spice of life."

I've definitely grown for the better, and she kept saying she had, but that basically came down to her exercising more and getting her **** together at work. I feel like in the interim, I faced the pain, was heavily introspective, thought exhaustively about what I want in life, and worked out like a beast, got my first real music release out, upped my work skills. I think the soul-searching and personal growth is way more important than getting exercise, getting a better job, or any of the classic **** people recommend doing. It seems like my ex just kind of gets into autopilot mode, works hard, tries to keep negative emotions away, and keeps moving forward, where as I, by nature, end up looking into my own head/heart more than I would ever even like to.

In some ways I think she actually gained respect for me, but maybe just my willingness to be with her after what she'd put me through made her lose some ? In a subconscious way... My real take on it is that she was being honest. Like we'd just swept **** under the rug, hopped back into things, and something just wasn't "right" about it. You could compare it to a drug addiction or something. Say you drank a lot, and always had lots of fun, but for whatever reason you decided to take a break. Months later, you say "f*ck it", have a few beers & acknowledge the comforting feeling, but wake up knowing it didn't thrill you in the way it once did and that those days are done.

And yeah, it's little comfort, but it is good it happened so quickly.

September 6, 2012

Yep. It's bad/unhealthy but at some point I just came to terms with the idea that I would have these feelings anytime we'd get back together. Just accepting that I would think "what about the other girls out there?", or "I don't think it would be right to be with her forever", or "this couple-life isn't that exciting after a few years"... But it was worth it to me because she made me feel so good & I loved being her man. And knew that should we break up again I would just want another girl to fill that space before too long, and who better than her really ? But i guess "variety is the spice of life."

I've definitely grown for the better, and she kept saying she had, but that basically came down to her exercising more and getting her **** together at work. I feel like in the interim, I faced the pain, was heavily introspective, thought exhaustively about what I want in life, and worked out like a beast, got my first real music release out, upped my work skills. I think the soul-searching and personal growth is way more important than getting exercise, getting a better job, or any of the classic **** people recommend doing. It seems like my ex just kind of gets into autopilot mode, works hard, tries to keep negative emotions away, and keeps moving forward, where as I, by nature, end up looking into my own head/heart more than I would ever even like to.

In some ways I think she actually gained respect for me, but maybe just my willingness to be with her after what she'd put me through made her lose some ? In a subconscious way... My real take on it is that she was being honest. Like we'd just swept **** under the rug, hopped back into things, and something just wasn't "right" about it. You could compare it to a drug addiction or something. Say you drank a lot, and always had lots of fun, but for whatever reason you decided to take a break. Months later, you say "f*ck it", have a few beers & acknowledge the comforting feeling, but wake up knowing it didn't thrill you in the way it once did and that those days are done.

And yeah, it's little comfort, but it is good it happened so quickly.

Yeah, but a relationship shouldn't be like addiction to alcohol.

Maybe you didn't change in the way she wanted you to or changed too much. She probably felt guilty.

I personally can't wait to be completely over this. My old ex's don't matter to me at all.

September 6, 2012

mate mate mate........................yo yo yo yo........don't do it again....

move on my friend, your killing yourself......LET IT BE!....

September 6, 2012

well, first, welcome back, glad you are here. and second, of course, sorry to hear that it didn't work. if you can, go easy on yourself, that you tried for something you believed in is an important personality trait, you did good regardless of outcome. this phase got in and got over pretty quickly, and at least she was honest with you in the end and wouldn't cave, give her that.

My takeaway in reading this was if the chance ever happened with me, that I would really want to make her work to prove it, vs just picking right back up. I've got some serious tears, sweat, and blood into my almost 3 months now that I *will not* ever give up for someone. In the end the result may be the same, but I need to do it much differently next time if ever regardless of who it is with.

Glad you are posting again, and btw there was a RogerWallace in my ex's family, I freaked when you first posted thinking that I knew you lol.

September 6, 2012

Yeah, but a relationship shouldn't be like addiction to alcohol.

Maybe you didn't change in the way she wanted you to or changed too much. She probably felt guilty.

I personally can't wait to be completely over this. My old ex's don't matter to me at all.

It definitely shouldn't be that was just my shot at an analogy.

And I don't think it had anything to do with changing on either of our parts as much as a difference in context and feel after a year filled with 3 breakups. Coming off of that, to make it work, you need a kind of increased passion that, if at all forced, can be tangible. I can acknowledge that there was some "offness", just not to the point that I'd want to end it or not keep working on it. She has a more fragile idea of how things should be, where as I just think, I love this girl, she makes me happy as f*ck, that's that.

And yes, all I look forward to is being completely over it. About 12 days ago I was pretty much there. That's really frustrating to me.

She's my first real love so it's a bitch and I have nothing to compare it to.

September 6, 2012

It definitely shouldn't be that was just my shot at an analogy.

And I don't think it had anything to do with changing on either of our parts as much as a difference in context and feel after a year filled with 3 breakups. Coming off of that, to make it work, you need a kind of increased passion that, if at all forced, can be tangible. I can acknowledge that there was some "offness", just not to the point that I'd want to end it or not keep working on it. She has a more fragile idea of how things should be, where as I just think, I love this girl, she makes me happy as f*ck, that's that.

And yes, all I look forward to is being completely over it. About 12 days ago I was pretty much there. That's really frustrating to me.

She's my first real love so it's a bitch and I have nothing to compare it to.

Well, that's where my problem comes in. I've been through 2 other big relationships so this last one was almost everything I ever wanted from a woman.

Just seems like I may never get those qualities in one place again. Maybe its a good thing, but right now it hurts.

September 6, 2012

well, first, welcome back, glad you are here. and second, of course, sorry to hear that it didn't work. if you can, go easy on yourself, that you tried for something you believed in is an important personality trait, you did good regardless of outcome. this phase got in and got over pretty quickly, and at least she was honest with you in the end and wouldn't cave, give her that.

My takeaway in reading this was if the chance ever happened with me, that I would really want to make her work to prove it, vs just picking right back up. I've got some serious tears, sweat, and blood into my almost 3 months now that I *will not* ever give up for someone. In the end the result may be the same, but I need to do it much differently next time if ever regardless of who it is with.

Glad you are posting again, and btw there was a RogerWallace in my ex's family, I freaked when you first posted thinking that I knew you lol.

Yo Mike! Thanks. I definitely had thoughts throughout that I should be making her work more to prove her commitment. She told her good friends, parents and sister that we were back together and trying to work on things by the second day, which I put a lot of stock in, considering she'd had trouble being honest with them about our status in the past. And for the first several days, she reiterated how she "knew" we could make it work, reassured me regularly of how much she loved me & how happy she was we had another chance. I'm a pushover of sorts I suppose, and after I woke up in her bed the first morning, I was eager to be there again that night. Stupidly, taking it slow didn't cross my mind until I started to sense her pulling away, at which point it was too late. In fact, we both acknowledged that we were immediately spending tons of time together and just chocked it up to the passion of the reunion.

Yeah this is the lesson-teaching incident. 3 months from now I will not give my NC up either... I was even hesitant to this time, but she was so f*cking genuine in the beginning.

September 6, 2012

there's no blame at all in what I wrote. you did what you thought was right, and I agree with what you saw in the signals. it's always 20/20 from this side of the story, but I have done exactly like you described as well. But I always try to take something away from what people post that might help me at some point, was the gist of the direction of my post.

September 6, 2012

Well, that's where my problem comes in. I've been through 2 other big relationships so this last one was almost everything I ever wanted from a woman.

Just seems like I may never get those qualities in one place again. Maybe its a good thing, but right now it hurts.

Yeah I could see that being quite sh*tty, and the downside to having worked through a few. The bad part of not having any comparison is the irrational fear that it was simply a one-time thing.

Something that says a lot about my situation is that I rarely fixate on being unable to "replace" her personality traits or physical characteristics. It's like I know there are more unique, funnier, deeper-thinking girls out there, who are objectively more attractive (though she was beautiful and quite fine). 90% of what I miss and fear trying to replace is simply our personal connection. How I could make her laugh, make her happy and vice-versa. And just how f*cking much she loved me.

September 6, 2012

there's no blame at all in what I wrote. you did what you thought was right, and I agree with what you saw in the signals. it's always 20/20 from this side of the story, but I have done exactly like you described as well. But I always try to take something away from what people post that might help me at some point, was the gist of the direction of my post.

I wasn't interpreting it as blame, man, I could just see what you were saying and have had similar thoughts. But like you said, taking it slow and making her earn your trust would quite possibly just prolong the inevitable.

Oh and Roger Wallace is just a random name that came to mind when I signed up hehe

Edited September 6, 2012 by RogerWallace111

September 6, 2012

WHY did this have to happen again......???? I am ****ed up. My heart is throbbing, I've cried a few times, and all I've stomached down since it happened yesterday afternoon is a little cottage ****ing cheese. This is the hardest lesson I've ever learned. I'm in that all too familiar back-against-the-wall spot where I can't imagine anything helping me feel better and am seriously tripping myself out. If I didn't love life so much I'd say I was borderline suicidal.

September 7, 2012

It WILL get better. I to had another chance with my ex & she wiped the floor with me. Literally!!! In a year or so you will be hurt it may even leave a scar but you will go from wanting only her to wanting anyone but her.

Just wait it you get angry over it, that's when the roller coaster starts. Only thing to do now is NC and move forward. Let time work on the hurt while you work on reaching some goals for you as a man.

September 7, 2012

keep talking. your monkey brain is playing the tapes on full volume. I used to have to count slowly to 10 in a very loud voice in order to drown out the tapes, repeat as necessary. look into tapping and emdr as a way of getting some logic into the emotions that are going to be pouring out for the next little while. hang in there you can do it, just 1 day, 1 hour, 1 minute, 1 second at a time. stack small success onto small successes

September 7, 2012

Thanks guys. I know it'll get better. By about 2.5 months after the last one it was easily tolerable & I was pretty close to over it. I'd like to think that since it was such a blink of an eye this time it won't take as long. Plus I was kind of hesitant to abandon the freedom of my newly comfortable single-life, so I have the return of that feeling to look forward to. Family/friends I talk to insist it won't take as long, but we'll just see.

I feel relatively ok this morning, just a little bummed out. And of course skeptical that I'm not more upset, and fear it kicking in. Sucks when you feel ok or even great in the moment but find yourself reminding/questioning if you should. I remember that from the last time .

Hung out with friends last night, had some beers, laughed lots, etc. That was good. I had only inklings of negative thoughts for a whole few hours. That definitely wouldn't have been the case last time, so maybe it's a good sign. I'm prepared for the worst to "hit me", but I really hope it's not that bad. I'm not making any hypothesis. Speculation about future pain and all the questions of "how long will it take to get over this ?" are the goofier things I see people bring up on here, as it's almost completely unknown.

It is really crazy to know that less than two weeks ago, I felt 90% detached from her memory, and am now dealing with it again. I hate that.

Mike I will definitely take a look at those. Got a book from a friend that looks like it'll have some worthwhile insight too...

September 7, 2012

Well , sure enough, all it took was a victorias secret reference in some song i was listening to put me in panic mode (she had just bought some new panties/bras from there that looked so f*cking cute on her)... Oh how I hate this sh*t. To think that not long ago even the thought of her sleeping with another guy, though unpleasant, didn't really bother me.

September 7, 2012

Well , sure enough, all it took was a victorias secret reference in some song i was listening to put me in panic mode (she had just bought some new panties/bras from there that looked so f*cking cute on her)... Oh how I hate this sh*t. To think that not long ago even the thought of her sleeping with another guy, though unpleasant, didn't really bother me.

See, I bought her a ton of really sexy stuff from there and now some douche gets to see it. That's the part that really pisses me off.

But you cant think that way. Move on. There will be more asses that look good in expensive panties.

September 7, 2012

^ very very helpful post. thanks man.

September 8, 2012

Felt surprisingly good most of yesterday, after the underwear thing, which tree_salmon's reminder that there will be more asses mostly remedied. Felt more of the pinch yourself, how do I feel so ok ? type feelings. I had some dark thoughts in the early evening, and at a couple points during the night. Was out with friends, laughing tons, drinking lots of beer, but that good old panic managed to slip through a few times.

I think having come to a point where I was getting comfortable and optimistic about being single before our brief reconnection is the main factor in my not feeling nearly as destroyed or hopeless as the last time. Then, the assurance that I'd "be fine in time", though I believed it deep down, was abstract and hard to put faith in. Now I've experienced it. Recently. I still have pangs of that "oh f*ck. how the f*ck can this be and how will I ever be ok ?" type sh*t. But it's not consuming me like the last time. It will come in cycles just like before, but it's a bit more tolerable now and I'm extremely thankful for that.

Also good to remind myself of the fact that I didn't feel completely right about being back with her. I loved the familiar comfort but also felt disappointed to lose the freedom I'd just started to feel and actually embrace. I suppose many with that feeling, in my position, would have been compelled and had the courage to end it themselves. What feels good in the moment isn't necessarily the best in the long run, and I know down the road I'll be glad it happened this way.

Edited September 8, 2012 by RogerWallace111

September 9, 2012

Felt surprisingly good most of yesterday, after the underwear thing, which tree_salmon's reminder that there will be more asses mostly remedied. Felt more of the pinch yourself, how do I feel so ok ? type feelings. I had some dark thoughts in the early evening, and at a couple points during the night. Was out with friends, laughing tons, drinking lots of beer, but that good old panic managed to slip through a few times.

I think having come to a point where I was getting comfortable and optimistic about being single before our brief reconnection is the main factor in my not feeling nearly as destroyed or hopeless as the last time. Then, the assurance that I'd "be fine in time", though I believed it deep down, was abstract and hard to put faith in. Now I've experienced it. Recently. I still have pangs of that "oh f*ck. how the f*ck can this be and how will I ever be ok ?" type sh*t. But it's not consuming me like the last time. It will come in cycles just like before, but it's a bit more tolerable now and I'm extremely thankful for that.

Also good to remind myself of the fact that I didn't feel completely right about being back with her. I loved the familiar comfort but also felt disappointed to lose the freedom I'd just started to feel and actually embrace. I suppose many with that feeling, in my position, would have been compelled and had the courage to end it themselves. What feels good in the moment isn't necessarily the best in the long run, and I know down the road I'll be glad it happened this way.

This is the way most of us feel.

Concentrate on feeling and looking good and chances are you'll attract a good one this time.

I'm doing the same.

September 10, 2012

Yeah ^ ..... I'm making sure to avoid compromising and spending time on just any good-looking girl out of impatience or loneliness. Not that I won't hook up with an attractive but unintelligent girl, or hang out some with a cool but less attractive one. But if I'm gonna open myself up and be sacrificing dat precious time she's gotta be fully up my alley... Gonna give it time and keep furthering my own sh*t...

September 10, 2012

At work and just got a text from her about some possessions, and saying that she'll always care about me. Got my heart rate up, but after about 2 minutes reminded myself "f*ck it", and that being single feels pretty damn nice. Fine again. I responded briefly finishing with "take care, really."

September 10, 2012

At work and just got a text from her about some possessions, and saying that she'll always care about me. Got my heart rate up, but after about 2 minutes reminded myself "f*ck it", and that being single feels pretty damn nice. Fine again. I responded briefly finishing with "take care, really."

You seem to have some good conviction. You're tough. I'm glad this is happening for you.

Just stick to what you feel is right.

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