strengthinpain Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 It has been a little over 3 weeks since my ex girl of 4.5 years broke up with me. I had been dealing with depression for the past 2 years without really doing anything about it and she lost attraction, and I think she lost hope that I would ever be the same. She was unhappy in the relationship because of this. I went to the doctor about a week and a half ago and I am now on antidepressants. I already feel slightly better in mood, however, I still have this broken hearted feeling everyday that brings back the depressed state of mind. When she broke up with me she told me she still loved me in a more than a friend kind of way. It makes me think there is still a chance. I am starting to feel normal again (the way I was before I was depressed) but I am not quite there fully because of this broken heart. Also, a week and a half ago her mother texted me saying that my ex cried when her parents talked to her about the break up. 3 days later I sent her a long text letting her know all of my major shortcomings in the relationship and apologizing for them that I had gone to the doctor about my depression (the doctor confirmed that I exhibited all the classic signs of depression) and at the end of the text I wished her nothing but happiness. She replied saying that the apology meant a lot to her, and that she wanted nothing but happiness for me too. So really it has only been a week of no contact since then. This coming up Saturday a mutual friend is having a birthday party/game night followed by a trip to the bar. She will be in attendance. I don't know if I should go. I want to but I also don't. What do you folks think would be the best course of action if I want to get her back? A part of me wants to go so I could go and try to have fun with my friends there. I could say hi to her or just completely ignore her. I could try to talk to her and just be friendly. Or I could just ignore her and try to act indifferent to her presence there. Am I missing any other way to act? What would be a good way to carry myself around her if I decide to go?? On the other hand, I could skip out on this event and continue going no contact. Would this be a better choice if I want her back? A majority of my good friends as well as acquaintances will be there. This guy I know likes her will also be there. Him and m ex have recently become friends again but I know my ex is not ready to be in a new relationship. He is my only potential competition if there was any. He and my ex knows I don't like him. The only thing I'd be worried about about is how I would react if I saw them flirting, if they even flirt. I don't know if they do. Any way I don't really care if he's there. I only have two goals, and that is to have fun with friends and make steps towards getting my ex back. I want to portray a message that I am moving on but that I still want her at the same time. Is this a good message to portray. Or is only one a good choice? Help a brother out. Feel free to ask questions if it helps you help me.
lil hoodlum Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 I think you should go to the party and just enjoy yourself. Do not cocern yourself about who will be there, what they may or may not do, or anything else. You can not control anyone else and have very little control over situations involving other people. I'm not really into playing games although I understand that sometimes you need to in order to protect your heart. Just be yourself. You say you are beginning to feel like your "normal" self, then let your ex "see" that side of you if she chooses. If I were you, I wouldn't persue her but if she approaches you then be friendly. Keep the conversation light and even flirty if it gets that far. Just go and have a good time and try not to sweat the small things in life. Good luck!
Charles Grey Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 It has been a little over 3 weeks since my ex girl of 4.5 years broke up with me. I had been dealing with depression for the past 2 years without really doing anything about it and she lost attraction, and I think she lost hope that I would ever be the same. She was unhappy in the relationship because of this. I went to the doctor about a week and a half ago and I am now on antidepressants. I already feel slightly better in mood, however, I still have this broken hearted feeling everyday that brings back the depressed state of mind. When she broke up with me she told me she still loved me in a more than a friend kind of way. It makes me think there is still a chance. I am starting to feel normal again (the way I was before I was depressed) but I am not quite there fully because of this broken heart. Also, a week and a half ago her mother texted me saying that my ex cried when her parents talked to her about the break up. 3 days later I sent her a long text letting her know all of my major shortcomings in the relationship and apologizing for them that I had gone to the doctor about my depression (the doctor confirmed that I exhibited all the classic signs of depression) and at the end of the text I wished her nothing but happiness. She replied saying that the apology meant a lot to her, and that she wanted nothing but happiness for me too. So really it has only been a week of no contact since then. This coming up Saturday a mutual friend is having a birthday party/game night followed by a trip to the bar. She will be in attendance. I don't know if I should go. I want to but I also don't. What do you folks think would be the best course of action if I want to get her back? A part of me wants to go so I could go and try to have fun with my friends there. I could say hi to her or just completely ignore her. I could try to talk to her and just be friendly. Or I could just ignore her and try to act indifferent to her presence there. Am I missing any other way to act? What would be a good way to carry myself around her if I decide to go?? On the other hand, I could skip out on this event and continue going no contact. Would this be a better choice if I want her back? A majority of my good friends as well as acquaintances will be there. This guy I know likes her will also be there. Him and m ex have recently become friends again but I know my ex is not ready to be in a new relationship. He is my only potential competition if there was any. He and my ex knows I don't like him. The only thing I'd be worried about about is how I would react if I saw them flirting, if they even flirt. I don't know if they do. Any way I don't really care if he's there. I only have two goals, and that is to have fun with friends and make steps towards getting my ex back. I want to portray a message that I am moving on but that I still want her at the same time. Is this a good message to portray. Or is only one a good choice? Help a brother out. Feel free to ask questions if it helps you help me. If you want her back then you have to win her heart and get her back. The only way to do it is by attending the said party and by talking to her...
Author strengthinpain Posted September 7, 2012 Author Posted September 7, 2012 lil_hoodlum, Charles Grey..I like the advice y'all (I'm from Texas) have given me. I know lil_hoodlum that I shouldn't sweat the petty things in life but at the moment I can't help it. What should I do about saying hi to her when I or she gets there? I could give a verbal hi, a handshake we both like and thought was funny that we used to have that we got off Jenna Marbles, a regular handshake, a one armed hug, a two armed hug. I am leaning more towards the handshake or hugs. Should I get there earlier or later than her? Maybe I shouldn't even think about what time I should get there. Should I buy a small present for the birthday girl? I normally haven't in the past because I never considered her a close friend, just a mutual friend of closer friends really. I'm thinking I'd rather just bring alcohol or a bottle of wine I've seen her drink often. If there are any woman reading this I would really appreciate advise on all of the above from y'all as well. I know I just have to be confident and be myself and have fun. I am responsible for my own happiness, but it is hard with this heartbreak feeling I still have. I know I can push this heartbreak aside but I just have to really prepare myself mentally. I had the confidence and great mood earlier today but I let my thoughts about the loss and a bit of jealousy get to me because I am alone and I've been thinking too much. I have to rid myself of jealousy. The more advice the better. Thanks folks for reading. I very much appreciate it.
Author strengthinpain Posted September 7, 2012 Author Posted September 7, 2012 Just had a thought, if I chose to go for a hug, I don't know if it'd be better to go high in the shoulder blade area or low in the small or her back/waist? Again thanks in advance!
TaraMaiden Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 158..... Personally, I wouldn't go. Have some self-respect, and stay No Contact (see the "All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide" link, in my Signature). It' a setback for you, and a disregard for her feelings, for her. Don't go near her. And forget this stupid "How should I hug" business. You shouldn't go within a mile of her. You should keep your distance and make as little contact - eye, verbal or physical - as is humanly possible. The whole point of NC is not to engineer things in a way to get someone back. it's to renew yourself as a person, and start a fresh page, for yourself, and your betterment, For YOU. The decision to come back, is entirely hers to make. You can't force her, convince her, show her prove it to her or insist you will/can/have changed. I'd avoid the party until you are able to see her, with another man's arm around her waist, and kissing her, with it having no impact on you, at all. If I were her, I'd be pretty upset to see you at the same party. My stomach would flip, and I wouldn't enjoy it.
Author strengthinpain Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 I posted in second chances for a reason... I am fully aware of the pain that can possibly come from hanging on but I am emotionally ready (or I am pretty good at pretending) to see her and I want to go hang out with my friends. I will not pursue her.
TaraMaiden Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Well, let us know how that works for you.....
Author strengthinpain Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 The party was chill. We did not speak. However, I wasn't myself there. I was rather quite than usual and felt a bit depressed and could not stop thinking about her. I am pretty stubborn at times and I tend to learn from my own mistakes. You are right Taramaiden. I shouldn't have gone...
TaraMaiden Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Well, I'm sorry you had to learn the hard way.... But maybe learning that way, was the only way. Sometimes, taking other peoples' word for it, isn't enough. You actually have to touch the fire to see it burns. Back to square one. No Contact. But now - You KNOW it makes sense.
AlexfromBoston Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 Contrary to what others may say, I think you should go and enjoy the party. Life is too short my friend. Be mature about it, say hi and let her enjoy her night as well. This is actually the perfect time to show her that your spirits are up and that you don't need her in your life to have a good time. What ever you do, DO NOT ignore her. Say hi, make it brief and be the bigger person. If she ignores you then so be it...she's just making herself look immature. Smile, wish her a good night and move on with confidence. Confident will kill her before NC ever accomplishes that goal. I am very much against the NC rule unless you simply cannot get your emotions in check to cope with a breakup. To me, NC is an immature way to deal with a problem.
TaraMaiden Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 Alex - read. The party has come and gone....
Author strengthinpain Posted September 17, 2012 Author Posted September 17, 2012 Contrary to what others may say, I think you should go and enjoy the party. Life is too short my friend. Be mature about it, say hi and let her enjoy her night as well. This is actually the perfect time to show her that your spirits are up and that you don't need her in your life to have a good time. What ever you do, DO NOT ignore her. Say hi, make it brief and be the bigger person. If she ignores you then so be it...she's just making herself look immature. Smile, wish her a good night and move on with confidence. Confident will kill her before NC ever accomplishes that goal. I am very much against the NC rule unless you simply cannot get your emotions in check to cope with a breakup. To me, NC is an immature way to deal with a problem. I agree with you. No contact is a tool to heal ones self after a break up. I am not completely emotionally ready to see her with someone else but I would like to build my confidence and eventually be her friend again and show her the me she used to know. The confident me. When we broke up I made it known that I did not want to be her friend. That I could not be her friend. And that is probably the major reason that we aren't friends at the moment; she has always been very respectful of my space, something I have been at fault of not giving. I have been thinking for this past month since we broke up about all of my faults and how I can work on them for myself and future relationships. I think I may have put too much emphasis on the physical part of the relationship and not enough on the friend part. Mentally, I wasn't well and I did not have the motivation to really work on myself until recent weeks. I want to be her friend again. I will never ask her to take me back. But I would like to be her friend again, and at the same time show her a good time and possibly build attraction by allowing her to see that I have changed/am still changing for the better. All relationships start out as a friendships, so I think it'd be the best way to start over. Though I am still in some emotional pain, ultimately I respect her decision to end the relationship and I feel I am (once I rebuild my confidence, which I can do in a couple weeks) emotionally mature enough to be her friend. All the while, I want to meet new people and rekindle old friendships with other girls I used to talk to as well. Though I will feel weird at first, I really need to put myself out of my comfort zone to build confidence. Her birthday is next week. Though I doubt I will be invited to the festivities, I'm wanting to get her a small gift. I was thinking her favorite Mexican candy in a gift bag, and including a card with something personal and most of all friendly! I want to call it a never ending bag of candy (I know the humor she likes after 4.5 years, she likes this cheesy stuff) and put another card/message at the bottome of the inside of the bag. Something along the lines of her catching my trick and suspecting that its not really a never ending source of her favorite candy but mentioning that it could have been...or that it could be..if you catch my drift (ok maybe this is a bit too much hinting and I write something else). Is a small gift a good idea for my intentions? Not really sure if I am thinking the right way or the best way for myself. I still love her. I feel that her feelings for me are also still there but I am not banking on it either. Thoughts?
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