Annelie Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 I'm away from my partner right now, for a few months because I'm back home visiting my family. We have been struggling financially, due to a website shut-down. We're basically living from one paycheck to the next - paying rent, his kids' school fees, and our credit card bills. We still make sure we have enough for food and to go out, sometimes. I came back during this time because my mother had a heart attack. In the last few days, things have changed a bit and I think I'm taking it way too personal. He hasn't said 'I love you' in three days (we normally say it every day, every few hours) and other small, petty stuff (realizing it now that I'm writing it down). He said I'm being selfish (all I wanted was to hear him say, I love you - ok, maybe I am selfish ) and these were the messages he sent me: It is sad how you look at our relationship now - it is sad to admit how selfish you can be, without even knowing it yourself! Your insecurities are what holds you back and they prevent you from noticing the bigger picture. You say and think these things while you know I am struggling at the moment, with deep, very deep personal issues and the only way you know how to "support" me is to make it worse with all your doubts and fears! You think you are there for me - offering support but you are not! You are only interested in your own, personal struggles. Trying to find fault with me, your partner, in any way possible. Please do not come back if you, yourself are not sure and if you still doubt me, and us. I thought our relationship was the ONE thing I could count on, and you are the ONE person I can depend upon! I thought that was rather harsh, but I don't blame him, as he is going through some things. We have a business together, which I am working while I'm visiting my family. Besides making sure we have the money to pay rent and other responsibilities, he's dealing with his past demons and his relationship with his mother. Thing is... I thought I'm showing him support... by asking how things are, working to make sure money comes in (although I should work harder), telling him that I'll always be there for him (it would be a lot easier if I were there but at this moment, I can't just pack and leave).... Obviously, I want to make things better... so, how do I make things right? How do I show him the support that he needs? We've been together almost 3 years and we've known each other for over 6 years. Thanks!
ja123 Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 (edited) It sounds like what he expects, needs, and perceives is different from what you expect, need, and perceive. These things need to be ironed out with communication; however, the timing for such communication needs to be right, and the tone, and the intent needs to be right. You need to have a calm and structured way to communicate respectfully and productively. I don't know what he does for you, or what you do for him; but, what I do know is that just because someone 'loves' someone or 'worries' about them isn't enough at the end of the day when there are big problems to deal with. It's possible to feel emotionally drained on the other person's behalf, but at the end of the day: how have you contributed to alleviating the other person's burden? He's not saying he loves you right now, most probably because he doesn't feel that you have his back. He's probably feeling really lonely right now, and resents feeling guilty because you're insecure that he hasn't said I love you. He's probably feeling that that's an unreasonale pressure and demand. Under a lot of stress, who really feels the 'love'? If he were to say it now, then it would probably be lip service only. In his mind, he's got bigger fish to fry and you're not there in the ring fighting next to him. If you're in a couple, then someone one takes the load for the other and vice versa from time to time, providing that your longer term goals as a couple nuture each individual. You are clearly, each of you, under a lot of stress. Now is the time to pull together and prioritize and come up with effective solutions. If neither of you can see the forest for the trees, then get outside help; i.e., financial advisor, counsellor, etc. They can help you with making a plan. Establishing boundaries and working on a good game plan together will help you feel like you both have some control over your lives, get you to feel and act like a team, and see some light (hope!) at the end of the tunnel. You'll also need to find some alternatives to getting help for your mother (do you have siblings?) so that you can be more available to him. But take some time in all of this to take care of yourself, too, eh? You can't effectively be of much help if you're run ragged. There's a good kind of selfishness, you know. And if you're in better shape, then you'll have a much better chance of contributing to the lives of those you love, and vice versa! It's a two-way street and everyone has to pull some weight. Edited September 9, 2012 by ja123
Author Annelie Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 It sounds like what he expects, needs, and perceives is different from what you expect, need, and perceive. These things need to be ironed out with communication; however, the timing for such communication needs to be right, and the tone, and the intent needs to be right. You need to have a calm and structured way to communicate respectfully and productively. First, thank you so much for replying. I was about to give up on Loveshack when I kept checking for replies but there were none. In fact, I didn't bother to check until now, and I saw your reply - THANK YOU. You've helped a lot. I agree that what we expect and need from one another is different. I would like to sort this one out, but I don't know how to do it. I don't even know when the right time is, and if I had to wait until I go back, it would just become even more difficult. I'm only going back home in November, as I already have a few things that need to be settled here. I don't know what he does for you, or what you do for him; but, what I do know is that just because someone 'loves' someone or 'worries' about them isn't enough at the end of the day when there are big problems to deal with. This is very true! People, some people anyway, always say that love will counter everything or love is enough, but I have come to realized that love/loving someone is just not enough when you are dealing with a lot of things, especially when it involves finances. It's possible to feel emotionally drained on the other person's behalf, but at the end of the day: how have you contributed to alleviating the other person's burden?/quote] I know for a fact that I haven't really contributed enough in helping him alleviate his burden. Thinking back, I really think I have a problem... or at least, my expectations are just too high. I expect his kids to respect me and at least, think of me especially on Mother's Day (a few months ago, that is) because I have done a lot for them. I mean, they didn't even wish me, but their grandmother did... was that petty of me to feel upset? Trust me, there were other issues that his daughter and I had, mostly created by his daughter, but we have talked about it (and while there are still some issues, I ignore them because I didn't want to make a big deal about them). He's not saying he loves you right now, most probably because he doesn't feel that you have his back. He's probably feeling really lonely right now, and resents feeling guilty because you're insecure that he hasn't said I love you. He's probably feeling that that's an unreasonale pressure and demand. Under a lot of stress, who really feels the 'love'? If he were to say it now, then it would probably be lip service only. In his mind, he's got bigger fish to fry and you're not there in the ring fighting next to him. Damn, you're good! Yes, now that I think about it, I would rather he not say it at all, especially if he's just saying it to please or make me shut up about it. He's lonely - yes, I get that, but even though I'm surrounded by family, I still feel lonely because I need him... but it's hard to make him see it... If you're in a couple, then someone one takes the load for the other and vice versa from time to time, providing that your longer term goals as a couple nuture each individual. You are clearly, each of you, under a lot of stress. Now is the time to pull together and prioritize and come up with effective solutions. Yes, we each have our issues... if I had to prioritize them, it would, of course, be financial first. While we are not broke, we do need to make sure our rent is paid on time (as we have been late in the last few months) and his kids' fees, and our credit cards. I think what I'm afraid of is that.. when times like this come up.. I tend to feel less loved (it's me.. not him) and I don't know how to deal with that. If neither of you can see the forest for the trees, then get outside help; i.e., financial advisor, counsellor, etc. They can help you with making a plan. Establishing boundaries and working on a good game plan together will help you feel like you both have some control over your lives, get you to feel and act like a team, and see some light (hope!) at the end of the tunnel. He's doing that right now. He's seeing someone to help us in terms of prioritizing our finances. You'll also need to find some alternatives to getting help for your mother (do you have siblings?) so that you can be more available to him. My siblings are a huge help, but seeing that, I'm the only one that is not married, I feel it would only be right for me to take care of my mother. I am staying with her while I'm visiting.. and whenever my partner and I are free, we would communicate via Skype or email. I would send emails to let him know that I'm thinking of him or that I'm here if he needed to talk. But take some time in all of this to take care of yourself, too, eh? You can't effectively be of much help if you're run ragged. There's a good kind of selfishness, you know. And if you're in better shape, then you'll have a much better chance of contributing to the lives of those you love, and vice versa! It's a two-way street and everyone has to pull some weight. Thank you I try my best to make sure I'm taking care of myself, as well
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