manalive2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 I have these off days where I doubt my relationship with my wife, specifically why she is with me. There were some trust issues at the beginning of our relationship. but we have progressed. I find myself feeling down because I feel these feelings of jealousy about things and I really let them bother me. I never tell her how I am feeling because I don't want her to be concerned or push her way. Why would I feel these insecurities and how can I stop them. I know they come from me, not from her. She asked me immediately when she got home. "what happened to you today, you look so sad." I made the excuse that I am tired, but what actually happened is that I started thinking in circles where I am always inferior and everyone else is better than me and maybe she will leave with one of them. It has happened before in my life. It is a terrible way to feel and it makes me feel she may leave me even though that has never been suggested or even talked about. However, my behaviour is strange and I don't want her to start thinking I have some EA going on or something because of this. Am I just mentally screwed up? Depressed? In need of medication?
BetrayedH Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 I have these off days where I doubt my relationship with my wife, specifically why she is with me. There were some trust issues at the beginning of our relationship. but we have progressed. I find myself feeling down because I feel these feelings of jealousy about things and I really let them bother me. I never tell her how I am feeling because I don't want her to be concerned or push her way. Why would I feel these insecurities and how can I stop them. I know they come from me, not from her. She asked me immediately when she got home. "what happened to you today, you look so sad." I made the excuse that I am tired, but what actually happened is that I started thinking in circles where I am always inferior and everyone else is better than me and maybe she will leave with one of them. It has happened before in my life. It is a terrible way to feel and it makes me feel she may leave me even though that has never been suggested or even talked about. However, my behaviour is strange and I don't want her to start thinking I have some EA going on or something because of this. Am I just mentally screwed up? Depressed? In need of medication? You sounds like a good candidate for IC (individual counseling). Once you start finding your footing there, suggest marriage counseling to your wife. You meed to be open and honest with your wife or it's a recipe for disaster. Find out what is going on with you and share it with her.
tpandrews Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 I was going through the exact same situation and I feel your pain. I'm not going to offer you advice but just tell you my story. I've always been very confident but I found this girl that was a challenge, she was smart & beautiful, very outgoing. She goes to an old friends funeral and she's been with some of these guys when she was in her teens. I go to pick her up and she's saying goodbye and lingers a little too long on this one guy. She realises, breaks contact and comes to me. She was drunk so I kept telling myself there's nothing to it, just ignore it. Anyway we were a pretty sexually active couple and suddenly I found myself out of favour in the bedroom. We went through a 3 week dry spell and I got it in my head she was cheating. I searched sites for signs she was cheating and one of them was 10 signs she's cheating. She matched 9/10 and I got really paranoid but there was a paragraph at the bottom of that page to say she probably isn't cheating but the more she matches the signs then start to be more assertive and question things. I didn't, I let it go. I moved out and said we should still see each other but give it some space. Whilst i was away I needed to build on my self esteem and this random girl got in contact. I chatted to her on facebook purely for an ego boost. As soon as she mentioned about anything like meeting up, I broke it off and told her not to contact me again. Anyway long story shoert, the confidence boost did me good, me and my gf were getting on better than ever. That is until she found the messages on fb. She left me. Then, and only then did I find out she wasn't cheating, I was just being paranoid. It was too late but that was the moment I realised she was the woman I wanted for the rest of my life. It lifted a huge weight off my shoulders she wasn't cheating but now I carried the burden of being in the wrong and screwing up something special. What I'm saying is women on the whole are a very faithful bunch. It's a stereotype but it's kinda true. Don't let your insecurities ruin this for you. The last thing you want to do is end up where I am now because trust me, it's worse than the insecurity she might be cheating! You've gotta conquer them. Go and get yourself some release, have a night out. Maybe a couple of beers with one of your friends that doesn't know her too well, just in case you start rambling when you get drunk!! The most important thing here and I can't stress this enough, DO NOT LET YOUR INSECURITIES GET THE BETTER OF YOU. If it gets so bad, then a little light investigative work can be done but you must cover your tracks because as soon as she discovers you don't trust her, she'll go ape****! One last paragraph, to really try and drive the point home. I realise I said I wasn't going to offer advice but I started writing and got passionate! Insecurities won't go away over night, you need to conquer them yourself. Remember, she hasn't given you too many reasons to believe she's being unfaithful so it is most likely she is not cheating. You are the only one in her life. Don't over analyse things, your first impression was probably the correct one. You've gotta restore some confidence. From what I've learnt, although times have changed, life structure is very much the same. Women like strong men. Not necessarily big muscle bound Neanderthals, but strong in the head. Smart & funny. Those are the main two characteristics required to keep a woman happy. I want to come and have a beer with you so badly buddy, I really do feel you're pain. I just don't want you to feel mine.
Author manalive2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Author Posted September 7, 2012 Hi tpandrews, Thanks for those helpful words. It really sums up the situation quite well. Even the fb thing, which is something that she was doing that sort of changed my perspective of who she is for a while. I do know that nothing materialized from that and I do believe her that her intentions were not to have an EA, but I guess that sort of triggered my insecurities back then for about two weeks. However, that was quite some time ago and I find it hard to believe that it is related to what is happening recently. I am wondering if people go through phases of insecurities during their relationships? Is it something that may develop for a while, then fade away? Is the individual counseling a worthwhile endeavour? I would enjoy that beer btw, but only if my spirits were a little higher at the moment.
tpandrews Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Listen bud I know it's a dark place but I've never been a fan of individual counselling. My opinion is that they are conversational prostitutes. They'll drag in on for as long as possible to squeeze every last dollar they can!! Just believe in yourself. Believe in your fellow man. She's most likely not cheating, believe in your heart you are her only one. If you can't build yourself up to this after a few days/couple of weeks then you're gonna need to scratch that itch by checking her phone or her fb. It's bad but it's the only thing that will help you. I genuinely wish you well on this one bud. Take it easy on yourself.
Recommended Posts