LadyDesiire Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 i have a question and i'm just looking for some feedback, especially from you males out there! i've been dating this guy for about 2 months now, and we probably see each other on average about 1-2 times a week. when i'm with him, everything is great...i have no doubt that he's interested in me because of how he is around me. however, my issue with him is phone calls. i don't expect him to call me every day [i mean i don't have the time to talk to someone everyday like that anyway!] but this boy won't call me for up to 5 days! i understand he's busy.. he works night shifts 4-5 days a week.. and when he's not working, he's catching up on sleep. but i'm sure it's not impossible to find 10 minutes out of your day to call me to say wassup, especially if you haven't talked to me in 4-5 days! i usually end up calling him after that period of time, and he'll always answer my calls or call me back. but it bothers me because he'll always tell me, "i'mma call you," and i take that as he'll call within the next day to 3 days.. but no, i usually end up calling him after 4-5 days cuz HE DOESN'T CALL! it makes me feel like he's not interested in me, but when we kick it and when we're together in person, it doesn't feel like that at all. my question is.. i dunno whether or not to invest any more time into this relationship. we're not serious at all right now, it's only been 2 months and we're not official or anything.. but i want to know if it's worth it before i end up getting hurt. and GUYS, if you were in my guy's shoes, would it bother you if a girl called you all the time? i usually don't call guys because i don't want to feel like i'm bothering them. or if you told a girl on wednesday, "i'll call you to make plans to see you on friday," and you don't call her by thursday night, would you expect her to call you? because i know how some guys feel that if they tell a girl they'll call, they don't want the girl calling them. man, i dunno if i make any sense right now.. i just don't wanna make him feel smothered.. i hate how i always end up calling him after a few days cuz he never calls when he says he will [he always claims cuz he's working or sleeping].. i hate having to call him to finalize plans when he says he'll call ME to finalize them. it makes me feel pushy and i don't want him to think i'm annoying or too persistent. what to do?
dudesomewhere Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 first off let me say that I am known as offbeat...that is I am not normal hehe I call when I say. I wouldn't bother me if a girl called all the time. Unless she's some ex . All things considered, I work night shift...for only 1 more week though! Booyah! But while I did I met someone I became very fond of in a friendly way. Now she's not a night person and we aren't dating for premise sake. I don't date, don't bar hop, don't club...I will go to the book store and electronics store...she does go out to clubs...and I would never know when or what she's up to. That said, when I got off work every few days I'd give her a call around 11am or so. I make that effort and she is just a friend. I used to not, but she ended up getting hurt by not too good people, so I make sure she knows I think of her always. Yeah, basic fundamental principle is that if someone really likes you in that respectful way he/she will make that effort. And if they are interested in dating you they'll contact you likewise. Now, putting me and my friend in your spot and I am you and my female friend is your guy friend...she would not be contacting me because she is not interested in dating me and we are just friends. Just remember, I am not saying that is your situation, just giving you an example so you can use as information. She dates and I don't...cuz I'm a dork who sits at home and reads and watches DVDs
Guest74 Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 I wish I knew what to say. My ex was like that. He rarely called me, constantly stood me up and broke promises (I realize this isn't the same as your boyfriend, but it started out just not getting phone calls), etc., and finally I stopped calling him. When that happened, he started calling me three times a night to find me. Now, some would say this was a victory, but by this time I had gotten sick of him. Now I'm with a man who calls me every day on his lunch break just to say hi, and calls or emails me most nights if we don't see each other, again just to chat.
jen4 Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 and let him know it bothers you when he says he'll call and doesn't. I have learned that you need to tell your partner exactly what you are looking for and early in the relationship too. Then there is less chance of confusion later on. Good luck.
EC Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 Here's the deal girl. You have to remember your not official. You can't expect anything of him right now. Have you and him engaged in sex yet cuz that could change things? But I suggest if hes really intrested the next time he doesn't call you for 5 days don't call him. If he calls you wednesday and makes plans for friday then don't call thursday and see what happenes. See if he makes the effort to see you and talk to you. I know excatly how you feel. When I met my Bf and we were just "talking" not official...I would never call him becuase I didnt want to smother him and he wouldnt call for 3-4 days and then call to make plans and when we would hang out we had the best time. I never pushed him to call me though or complained I just acted normal let things flow. Eventually he asked me to be official and now he doesnt stop calling me lol. I say don't call him and see if he will make the effort. If you see that like two weeks have gone by though I mean you can get the picture.
faux Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 Depending on the situation, it might bother me if a girl called me "all the time". I have had past situations where two girls called me "all the time". By "all the time" I mean the following: I would be on the phone with one of these girls, and say I had to go eat dinner, then watch some TV and relax for a while, but that I'd phone her when I was finished. I'd come back an hour later, sometimes even just half an hour later, and I would have fifteen messages on my answering machine. Definitely what I think is too much, and very freaky. Another one would just call me when I said I'd call her back, if I didn't get in touch with her in half an hour to an hour. She would never let me go when I wanted to just be alone at home, and would phone me very shortly after we got off of the phone again. Both girls would try both, or all three, of my telephone numbers to attempt to reach me. Much too much, I think. I don't mind if someone calls me once a day, or if someone phones me if I have gotten busy and failed to call them back when I said I would. If someone is calling me "too much" I will tell them, and reassure them that I will call them back when I am not busy, and that I enjoy talking to them. Some people don't get the idea, however, like those two other girls when I had multiple conversations with them about the constant phone calls. If you call this guy every few days, I don't think it would be such a bad thing. Just let him know, firstly, that you're irked he never calls you back and you'd really appreciate it if he'd make the effort. You have a right to feel the way that you do. Additionally, if you want to phone him, you ought to be able to ask him if the frequency of your phone calls bothers him at all. It's entirely up to you if you wish to invest more time in this man or not, as I believe you are justified in your concerns. I'd want to know that someone wanted to talk to me, and would reach out to phone me as well. Seeing as you have been very casual for two months, he may not understand your need for him phoning you. Maybe you could discuss getting a little more serious with him, and see how his attitude changes.
clia Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 IMO, if he was that into you, he wouldn't let five days go by without a phone call.
HoldOn Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 I think the bigger issue here is that he tells you he will call and then he doesn't call. I know guys supposedly have a different concept of time, but that's bulls***. If you make a promise you should keep it. But otherwise, perhaps he just isn't a phone talker. Make sure your plans are made for your next date and then leave him alone. So, I guess you have two options: 1.) Talk to him about this problem. Tell him that it makes you uncomfortable that he can't keep his word about calling you. 2.) Don't talk to him about the problem and stop calling him. Either he'll realize that HE has to call you or he doesn't care enough to call. Good luck!
Curt Posted July 21, 2004 Moderators Posted July 21, 2004 I've said it before in a previous thread, but... I shall reiterate: We guys are awful with that telephone. General conception with us guys is that we hate that bugger of a machine. We'd rather talk in person anyday. Sure, some guys also love the phone. BUT, in general ... I think the majority of us abhor that thing! I have no research to point to but, if as males we are more "visual", we would enjoy the visual stimulation of the gal whose presence we so enjoy. Females are supposedly more relationship/discussion-centric, so I should imagine that telephone would be fantastic, as far as gals are concerned. Anyways ... Judge yourself accordingly. But keep in mind what I said. That being said, when committments are broken, people are stood up, etc., that points to a much bigger issue. BUT, IMHO, Intermittent or poor calling habits on the part of guys, do NOT necessarily = Little/no interest in the gal in question. Curt
Author LadyDesiire Posted July 21, 2004 Author Posted July 21, 2004 thanks for all your advice and replies.. to answer some of your questions and to clear up somethings and to update ya'll on what's happened since my post.. -no, this guy and i have not had sex yet. i'm not planning on having sex with him until we're official [for many reasons] and he doesn't ever pressure me. -2 days ago, he tenatively made plans to see me today, and i told him to call me to finalize them, but he never called. however, he finally called this morning to "see what i was doing" and when i mentioned that i thought we had plans, he was like, "yeah, i thought we did, too." wtf?!! -i've told him how i felt about the whole phone call situation, he keeps making excuses ["i work all the time," or "i'm always sleeping when i'm not at work."] but assures me he constantly thinks about me.. which i find hard to believe if he doesn't call! -he's told me that he's been the problem in all his past relationships because he has a weird schedule due to his work, and females always claim he doesn't have time.. i take that as a sign that maybe things wouldn't work out between us.. but he keeps trying. i don't understand why he'd try to spend time with me and everything if nothing's going to happen.. so i have some hope that maybe it might work out.. but i dunno, i might be stupid.
clia Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 Intermittent or poor calling habits on the part of guys, do NOT necessarily = Little/no interest in the gal in question. But Curt, when you really like a girl aren't you dying to talk to her? Aren't you dying to call her? Isn't it going to be a priority to call her? I mean, as opposed to someone you are just iffy about.
HoldOn Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 Sounds like your guy just wants you do to all the work. How annoying! I personally would go hard core on him. 1.) Don't call him. 2.) Don't allow "tentative" plans. You either have plans or you don't. 3.) If he doesn't call you one day in advance, make other plans.
Curt Posted July 21, 2004 Moderators Posted July 21, 2004 Originally posted by clia But Curt, when you really like a girl aren't you dying to talk to her? Aren't you dying to call her? Isn't it going to be a priority to call her? I mean, as opposed to someone you are just iffy about. Oh, for sure! It definitely becomes a priority to talk to her! BUT... When I feel that need, I would (unless it's just too darn inconvenient/impossible at the time) go see her directly, so that I could not only enjoy talking with her, but see her smile, enjoy her touch, scent, etc.) Now, you know Clia, that's just me ... you know me and my love of the tactile. Curt
rolo Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 I'm a guy. I called my now (as of this morning, after dating ~3 months) ex-gf once in a while...maybe every 5 days or so. I think she wanted me to call more, but I thought once in a while was often enough. This is because I would chat with her every day on y! messenger for anywhere between 30 minutes - a few hours (she worked nights and i'd relax at the computer after work). We'd also see each other 2-3 days during the weekends. If I didn't have internet chat with her, I would have probably called her every other day or so.
Author LadyDesiire Posted July 24, 2004 Author Posted July 24, 2004 it doesn't seem to matter even when i bring up to the guy how much this phone call issue bothers me. i called him today and we talked for a little bit, then he said he'd "talk to me later"...i told him to call me at a certain time, and he was like "okay, i will," and never did. i really don't see this going anywhere if he can't keep his word this early on.
HoldOn Posted July 24, 2004 Posted July 24, 2004 Not a good sign, this is what I am talking about on Miz Barby's thread. You have to look for red flags at the beginning of a relationship. If he can't remember to call you when he says, then will he ever keep his word. Next time he calls, don't answer the phone! I could really accept the no-calling aspect, but why does he say he's going to do something and then not do it. Come on!
Author LadyDesiire Posted July 26, 2004 Author Posted July 26, 2004 so i haven't heard from this boy since friday morning [the same morning when he told me he would call me back at a certain time and never did].. i think the best thing for me to do is just not call him anymore. if he calls, he calls.. if not, it's his loss. i always end up calling him after a few days cuz he never calls.. but i don't think i want to do that anymore. he makes me feel like he isn't interested, which is confusing because whenever we're together in person, he is so affectionate with me and when we're together in person, it feels like he's very interested. so do ya'll think this is the best idea? to just not call him again and wait to see if he calls?
HoldOn Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 Don't call him. It is the best way to find out if he is REALLY interested in you. Take it one day at a time and try to fill up your days with other activities.
Author LadyDesiire Posted July 26, 2004 Author Posted July 26, 2004 well, he called me last night while he was out with his boys.. he was buzzed when he called, and he kept telling me how much he missed me and wants to see me.. why does he do this?!! he's so confusing!
HoldOn Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 why does he do this?!! Because if you don't do all the work, it will force him to do call you. see?? Don't call him and just keep waiting for him to call you again. Also I don't think you should tell him to call you at a certain time, because that just sets you up for disappointment. If you want to be with him, you have to let him set the pace, let him make the plans, etc...
ehmehm Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 Lady Desiire, He's not into you. Stop calling him. Stop trying to figure him out. Start focusing on yourself. Go to the movies. Make plans with your friends. Learn how to cook. Whatever you do, stop focusing on him. His life is obviously full. You will find someone else who is into you in no time.
Recommended Posts