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Question for the OW (please answer NO judgements here I promise) I want to understand

miz_barby

By miz_barby
in The Other Man / Woman

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miz_barby

miz_barby

Posted
Posted

Okay I have a question for all the OW out here on the board (no judgement on my part I promise).

 

After reading ALL These posts from OW involved with MM or taken men I have a serious honest personal question (maybe this will help us all NOT in the situation to understand where you're coming from)

 

 

What made you decide to get involved with your MM knowing he was married what was the thing/s that made you go ahead and go through with starting the affair?

 

If you didn't know he was married what made you stay after you found out?

 

 

Please answer if you're a OW I seriously want to understand where all the OW are coming from so maybe it won't be seen in such a negative light!

vanandme4him Member

vanandme4him

Posted
Posted

my bf is not married, but has been in a relationship for 8 years. When I got involved it was NOT a romantic relationship. I mean, he was an old bf whom I hadn't spoken or seen since we were kids. he would tell me about his gf and how he loves her (quite a bit) but it wasn't a romantic love. he felt comfortable with her, etc (and all that other bs they usually spew out in the begining). I felt sorry for him. In my (stupid) mind I thought he lived such a tortured existence, not really being "in love" with his gf. well, we maintained our friendship (via e-mail only) platonic for all of three months. Then the first time we saw each other...we were hooked.

i had no intention of having an affair with him. it just happend. and in the back of mind i thought he would drop her after him and i became an item. well, it's been since Feb 2003 and he's still with her.

yes, i love him. why do i stay? i don't know. maybe because it's convenient. i don't have to deal with a "real" relationship with an available man.

his gf knows about me and she's ok with it. they have a sort "open" relationship. I'm not ready for that yet. The thing that scares me is, will i ever be ready to let go of my bf and try to have a "normal" relationship.

i'm not sure if i've been any help.

 

BTW, i've been the wife who was cheated on too. I'm sorry you are going through what you are going through. i remember when i found out, i almost lost my mind with hurt and anger.

 

good luck.

Kizzyfur Established Member

Kizzyfur

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by miz_barby

What made you decide to get involved with your MM knowing he was married what was the thing/s that made you go ahead and go through with starting the affair?

Short Version:

His wife pushed him into getting to know me. NO JOKE!!! She told him he needed to get to know me cause we (me and him) had so much in common. So he started talking to me. The more we talked, the more we liked about one another. I knew his marriage was basically over before I even met him, they just hadn't filed for divorce. No, I'm not basing this on just what he says either. For quite awhile I did always tell him he needed to try to work things out with her though it was obvious there was really no point. Then he told her he wanted a divorce in October 2003. He asked me out in November. It's been a roller coaster ride from hell since. But he finally filed a couple weeks ago.

 

I would never have even considered being with him if I didn't think there was no hope for his marriage. Like I said, I'm not basing that on just his words that it was bad. I've known them as a couple for 2 years. I witnessed first hand how she treats everyone in her life (husband, kids, friends, family, and his friends and family...). I've also met his friends/family back in his "home" state where he grew up. Heard a lot of stories there too as well as from friends/family here. Her own family has told her that if they ever got a divorce it would be her fault. To be honest, I'm under the impression she pushed him into getting to know me because she knew her marriage was over and needed someone else to blame it on. Why else would she have started accusing us of having an affair before we'd even started talking???

CurlyIam Established Member

CurlyIam

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by vanandme4him

 

BTW, i've been the wife who was cheated on too. I'm sorry you are going through what you are going through. good luck.

 

Well, as far as I know, miz_barby is in her early twenties and she has a great relationship with her bf. So I don't think it's her situation, it's simply something she wants to understand.

 

I thought I might clear this up.

dbee New Member

dbee

Posted
Posted

Well...in my situation, we became friends first. I knew his wife and him since college and knew what she did to him on a daily basis. They should have never been married. It was a "we graduated, what now..OK now people get married! He stayed because he felt that if he left her he was a failure in his families eyes. It really was not something that we went after it just happened and i would like to think that I made his days better and easier to deal with her. He could talk to me openly about problems and I never basis my opinion or sided with him just to say what he wanted to hear. From there our relationship developed. Now he is divorcing and I am trying my best to help him, as a friend. I am also greatful that he can come to me. We will see where things go from here. Even if it doesn't work out, we still will always be friends, so it is a good thing for both of us.

Mr Spock Established Member

Mr Spock

Posted
Posted

I was extremely sexually attracted to this person and made bad decisions when I was extremely hammered-then of course he started to contact ME and it was flattering. Eventually I turned to the relationship for fufillment emotionally, and that was the start of my long slide down into misery, obsession, heartache and dysFUNction.

CurlyIam Established Member

CurlyIam

Posted
Posted

Would you do it again?

Mr Spock Established Member

Mr Spock

Posted
Posted

Ouch curly....no holds barred....would I do it again? I can never say never. Would I do it differently? Yes. I would always keep in my mind "What's in it for me? Sex?" I can get that anywhere. If he couldn't give me a better answer I'd have to decline.

CurlyIam Established Member

CurlyIam

Posted
Posted

Just curious... no judgmental person here :) !

Mr Spock Established Member

Mr Spock

Posted
Posted

No I know it's just funny-I like how you came right out and asked, plainly :laugh:

CurlyIam Established Member

CurlyIam

Posted
Posted

Well, I do agree at times I am completely tactless!!!

 

I dared to ask because you seem to really love your MM. So if you had to do it all over again, would you prefer to loose his love and not hurt so bad or take the pain and experience his love... regardless of whom he is,wheather he's a bad person a good one.

 

I think love has unique way of touching all people's soul... I was just wondering how you deal with the pain, really, not how you handle the situation.

Mr Spock Established Member

Mr Spock

Posted
Posted

That's a very good question Curly. I don't know if I'd do it again with my ex MM(I thought you were asking if I'd do it again, with anyone)

 

Although I cared deeply (yes even loved)for my MM, it was completely one sided. Oh, I'm sure he liked me. And I made him cry when he broke it off (I am a b*tch, grinningmaniac)but the depth of feeling was on my part. Do I miss the contact? Yes, the funny emails, enjoying the company-but I don't miss the obsession, the fact that my emotional state was tied in to if he talked to me or not that day. Really....it was quite freeing. Horribly hurtful, but freeing. And I don't know if I want to do that again.

ICantStopLovinHim Established Member

ICantStopLovinHim

Posted
Posted

Why did I do it??? Knowing he had someone? simple I didnt know.....he told me in the first few hours, but by then i was hooked.....He was the one i was meant to spend the rest of my life with no doubt about it.....Why didnt it work out? Because he had a realtionship for 8 years of conveinience and he thought he truly loved her ( untill he met me) or so he says.

 

He tried to leave her he said the guilt made him stay..... did he love me as much as i loved him? Yes he wanted to be with me the rest of our lives he just wanted me to be patient enough to wait for him to leave her.

 

And i wasn't. I couldnt wait......the pain hurt too much and i thought leaving him would make it stop hurting........guess i needed someone there to tell me leaving.....only makes the pain hurt worse.....

miz_barby

miz_barby

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by CurlyIam

 

 

Well, as far as I know, miz_barby is in her early twenties and she has a great relationship with her bf. So I don't think it's her situation, it's simply something she wants to understand.

 

I thought I might clear this up.

 

 

Thanks CurlyIam for clearing that up for me. :D Just like she said, no I am not in the situation of being cheated on, I'm 23 and very much in a loving, healthy relationship.

 

The reason I started this post is because (with me included) I have read and posted to a lot of "OW" posts NOT understanding WHY they do what they do so I wanted to see if by the responses posted here I might open my mind a bit and see where "OW" are coming from and why they do it.

 

I realize now more than ever that we tend to let emotions and personal feelings over run our judgement either good or bad!

 

I still wanna hear more responses from all you "OW" as I said I'm doing this for personal "mental growth" and in no way to judge any of you!

Liss77 Member

Liss77

Posted
Posted

Well, I didn't intentionally get involved with him "being married" we were both married felt an uncontrollable attraction and force between us and before u knew it I was getting a legal seperation from being unhappily married and he was leaving his wife to be with me. Yes I hate the fact that he is still married and I am waiting for him to leave. It sucks that he is all I ever wanted and he had another life before me as did I.

 

Good question hope this helped ;)

2Confuzed Member

2Confuzed

Posted
Posted

The MM i am seeing works with me. We have worked together for about 4 years. The moment I met him, I felt something different. We became good friends. He told me all of his problems and I told him all of mine. He told me (and several other people) awhile ago (before me and him got together) that he wasn't happy and wanted a divorice.

 

As time went on, there was an attraction (emotional and physical) that we both could feel. Neither one of us ever thought it would progress so quickly, but it has. And I do believe it's love. He told me that he wanted to do things right and not become intimate before his divorice because he truly cared for me. But...you know how hard it is to wait. :o

 

Do I think about his family? Of course I do. Part of me does feel horrible for allowing this to happen. But then there's another part of me that believe's he could be the one. And he has told me he feels the same way. After we became close, it was like I never lived a day without him. I feel like we've always been together, in some way. I don't know.

 

He hasn't been happy for a long time. He seems insecure at times. I think mostly because he doesn't get the respect and attention at home anymore. I never wanted to ever be labeled as a "homewrecker." But he made it clear that he would get a divorice either way, I'm just motivating him to do it sooner. I also made it clear to him that I wanted him to do this for himself, not me. When all is said and done, I want to know that he did it for himself. And he assures me that he is.

sunfirebaby2003

sunfirebaby2003

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by miz_barby

Okay I have a question for all the OW out here on the board (no judgement on my part I promise).

 

After reading ALL These posts from OW involved with MM or taken men I have a serious honest personal question (maybe this will help us all NOT in the situation to understand where you're coming from)

 

 

What made you decide to get involved with your MM knowing he was married what was the thing/s that made you go ahead and go through with starting the affair?

 

If you didn't know he was married what made you stay after you found out?

 

 

Please answer if you're a OW I seriously want to understand where all the OW are coming from so maybe it won't be seen in such a negative light!

 

 

Well I personally have encountered the obstacle of being with a MM. It started off sweet and innocent, he was working in a different state from where he lived and I was a local. He asked me if I would like to show him around and have a good time he told me that he was married but was very unhappy. We were both just planning to have a good time. Needless to say that we really connected spiritually, emotionally, and physically. A relationship had begun. I knew that he would be leaving soon, the job was almost done and he would return home. No doubt, with out me. However, when the time came he asked if I would go with him.

 

Astonished by the request, yet happy at heart. I went with him with no reluctance.

 

Alot of woman cast judgement upon "OW". How would you know what the OW is about unless you walked in their shoes. This man has done nothing wrong, but try to make himself happy for once in his life. And I have done nothing wrong with being with this man, was I wrong to bring new life into a dying relationship? The purpose for him to stay in their relationship is based on the dependency of his youngest child who is 21 and has severe mental retardation, to lighten the load on his wife.

 

He left her once before, but the strain on his wife was too great. He reluctantly went back, they have been together for almost 30 years and she said that she would like to go on living a miserable life as long as they are together. She has been with him for so long that, that is all she knows. He sacraficed alot for his family and has lived unhappy for a very long time. It's not that he doesn't love her he does its just that his love is based on the time that they have been together and the children that they have bared.

 

We are in love, and will forver be. We have shared ourselves with one another in depth. It's not like he is cheating, he is experiencing love again.

 

He may not be with me everynight, I may not have him physiaclly. However I know that his heart belongs to me, and only me. So in my eyes Im not the other woman I am the woman.

 

Do I feel guilty? No I do not I feel as though I have brought happiness into a mans life that was searching for it. Should I feel guilty? Do I not realize that it is morally wrong? Morally it's wrong. Yes I should feel guilty because of it.

 

The relationship between him and his wife was destroyed long before I was in the picture. I m here to pick up the pieces. An d I will.

unluckylady Member

unluckylady

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by sunfirebaby2003

 

We are in love, and will forver be. We have shared ourselves with one another in depth. It's not like he is cheating, he is experiencing love again.

 

He may not be with me everynight, I may not have him physiaclly. However I know that his heart belongs to me, and only me. So in my eyes Im not the other woman I am the woman.

 

Do I feel guilty? No I do not I feel as though I have brought happiness into a mans life that was searching for it. Should I feel guilty? Do I not realize that it is morally wrong? Morally it's wrong. Yes I should feel guilty because of it.

 

The relationship between him and his wife was destroyed long before I was in the picture. I m here to pick up the pieces. An d I will.

 

 

Wow, that makes me question ending my affair with a MM. I hadn't thought about it like that, all I seem to read on here is negativity and blame...

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