coralblue Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Hi everyone. I just found this forum yesterday and already it's been so helpful. I broke up with my boyfriend of nearly ten years because I have marriage issues. There is so much divorce all around, and I have experienced its devastating effects, don’t want it to happen to me or to my future kids, etc. etc. etc. He loved me so much, was an excellent boyfriend, hard working, loyal, told me many times that he wanted to marry me and gave every indication he’d make an excellent husband and father. Not perfect mind you, but excellent nonetheless. I was perfectly happy being in this relationship as is, without marriage, forever, and he was not okay with that, for his own good reasons. It was a mutual breakup and we parted on good terms. I moved to another city because of a great job offer, so the day of our breakup was the day I moved. We had been living together for three years. It has been five weeks. We spoke a couple times in the first two weeks, during which I was having a hard time with the breakup, and told him so. He told me that we both need to move on and meet other people, but if/when I come home, he’d be open-minded about the possibility of us reuniting, but only if I was willing to marry him. That made all the difference, and I’ve been feeling a lot better knowing that I might be able to go back to him if I really want to. Yesterday I found out from another source that he is “dating,” and now all of a sudden, I’m a wreck. I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to assume that if he’s dating, that means he’s having sex with somebody. What kills me is that they are probably doing it in our bed, the bed we shared for three years when I lived with him. I feel a huge sense of betrayal. We’re together ten years, and he waits five weeks to have a good time with somebody else? Ten years. Five weeks. I want to call him and find out if he’s indeed sleeping with her. I know this is a bad idea. That’s why I’m here. I am also now, for the first time, starting to feel twinges of regret at breaking up with him. This new girl, if she has any amount of reasonable intelligence in her, will probably realize what a fantastic catch he is. If they are happy and both want marriage, what’s to stop them? I know that this is all very premature thinking, but I think it is reasonable to say that it could very well happen down the line. And now, of course, I’m second-guessing my decision. I really enjoy my new city, new job, new life, but somewhere down the line, my feelings will snowball and I’ll regret the breakup big time. We all know how difficult it is to find a great mate. So I guess the questions are: 1. Can I call him and ask if they’re sleeping together? I really feel that I need to know; that my hurt is justified. I also want to know because if they are indeed having sex, I’ll feel like complete crap but at least I’ll be able to move on more quickly (right?) and I won’t be as inclined to want to reunite with him when I come home for Christmas. 2. Was I reasonable in breaking up with him, considering our respective feelings on marriage? Please be honest with me. I prefer the harsh truth. Thanks for your time.
winstonsdreams Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Hey there i am so sorry to hear what you are going through, because i am going through the same thing! I broke up with my ex because she was very pushy and wanted marriage and everything right away, she had a 4 year old boy too. The pressure was so much i ran and came back 2 months later, to find she was dating again! I was absolutely devestated and pleaded for another chance but she refused. Needless to say i felt terrible, and still do 2 months on. The thing is, if he is dating again and it is over definitely you have to go NC or else you will go insane. I almost caved and contacted her, i even contacted her mother (dear God) to ask if i could fight for her. But i did email her one final goodbye and said all the best and i was glad she found someone that made her happy. I said i would always be there for her and went NC. This was 5 weeks ago today. I don't think i'll hear from her again, i wish we could have had a second go because of course i want marriage and everything that goes with it, i probably should have just told her that i wanted to take it slower. I think a relationship takes a fair amount of compromise, if you made that decision then i don't think you should second guess yourself because he is dating again. Trust me i know EXACTLY how you feel, my ex is sleeping with someone else, that's what tends to happen in a relationship remember? You have to let it go, but if you want that last closure go for it, but don't be spiteful, we made the decisions for a REASON, do not forget that! I hope this helps in some way, good luck stay strong you are a good person remember that
Frank13 Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 1. Can I call him and ask if they’re sleeping together? I really feel that I need to know; that my hurt is justified. I also want to know because if they are indeed having sex, I’ll feel like complete crap but at least I’ll be able to move on more quickly (right?) and I won’t be as inclined to want to reunite with him when I come home for Christmas. 2. Was I reasonable in breaking up with him, considering our respective feelings on marriage? Please be honest with me. I prefer the harsh truth. Thanks for your time. You dumped him. It's none of your business if he is sleeping with her. If he is smart he will realize you are only sniffing around because you now want what you can't have. When he said he would always be there for you, you knew you had a back up plan and this would have allowed you to move on. Now that you see he is trying to move on, you don't like it. If I were him and you called to ask me that, I would tell you where to go and to never contact me again. There is nothing more disrespectful and selfish than dumping someone (which is okay) but then wanting them back only because they found someone else and are trying to move on. You know once you got him back you wouldn't want him again. For your second question, yes it was reasonable to break up with him. You both wanted different things. Leave him be. 2
KathyM Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 You did the right thing in breaking up with him. You didn't want marriage, he did. Therefore, you were not a match. Men don't typically wait a long time after one relationship ends before starting up a new one, so don't be too dlisheartened about that. It doesn't mean he's gotten over you, or that your relationship didn't mean enough to him. I do think you should stay where you are and try to move on with your life. You both want different things, and even though he's a great guy, you shouldn't marry someone if you have a strong aversion to marriage. Just accept the fact that you both want different things, and then move on with your life. Don't ask if he's been intimate with this other person, since it is no longer your business unless you do intend to marry him.
geegirl Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 1. Can I call him and ask if they’re sleeping together? I really feel that I need to know; that my hurt is justified. I also want to know because if they are indeed having sex, I’ll feel like complete crap but at least I’ll be able to move on more quickly (right?) and I won’t be as inclined to want to reunite with him when I come home for Christmas. No, you have no right to ask him if he is sleeping with someone else, hurt or not. You chose to break up and with that comes hurt. It's a given. When you break-up with someone, you accept that they are no longer committed to you, that they will be moving on and that their personal life is no longer open to you for discussion. He is not your possession. He is a person with needs and wants. And if he is moving on, accept it. You can't break-up with terms. It's selfish to do so. You did what you had to do based on what is right for your life, and now he is doing what he needs to do to fulfill his. Besides, how many times are you going to keep checking up on him till X'mas? It is none of your business. You move on because you believe that the two of you want different things in life not by getting reassurances that he is not sleeping with someone else. 2. Was I reasonable in breaking up with him, considering our respective feelings on marriage? Yes, you were right to break up with him. You can't have a future if your fundamental values in life differ. 1
Hawaii50 Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 1. N/C. You didn't want it and now that someone else is playing with it, you're throwing a tantrum. Sound familiar? 2. It's just a piece of paper. I can't stand the idea of marriage but if someone I love is adamant, fine-whatever. Any ways, I'm sure you will have more than enough time the rest of your life to think about it.
Trimmer Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 1. Can I call him and ask if they’re sleeping together? I really feel that I need to know; that my hurt is justified. I also want to know because if they are indeed having sex, I’ll feel like complete crap but at least I’ll be able to move on more quickly (right?) and I won’t be as inclined to want to reunite with him when I come home for Christmas. No, don't call and ask if they're sleeping together. You already know everything you need to, and he doesn't owe you even that much information. He's a free adult now. It's now officially none of your business. What kills me is that they are probably doing it in our bed, the bed we shared for three years when I lived with him. I feel a huge sense of betrayal. We’re together ten years, and he waits five weeks to have a good time with somebody else? Ten years. Five weeks. I understand your feeling upset, confused, feeling a loss, even "hurt." I can even understand you questioning his character, like is the kind of guy who could move on so quickly someone I want to be with? But to say you were betrayed implies that he cheated or reneged on some commitment he had to you, and that's where I draw the line. Once you broke up, he was completely free to do anything he wanted without considering any commitment to you - because he no longer had one. Feeling betrayed about his behavior now is a little extreme. 2. Was I reasonable in breaking up with him, considering our respective feelings on marriage? Unless your feelings on marriage have changed, I think you would still have the same huge obstacle that you had before, so yeah, it seems reasonable that the two of you allow each other to move on and seek what you are looking for.
Author coralblue Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 Thank you everyone. I appreciate the honesty. I knew what the right answers were...I guess I just needed reassurance.
winstonsdreams Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 These people are right, you have to understand a majority of folk on here are dumpees and know what they are talking about. Most of the time it is harsh advice towards us dumpers, but reading through the responses, they are all right, and made me realise some harsh facts regarding my own break up. We have to deal with our decisions and move on. Good luck
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