Lavenderlane Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 First off... My husband and I have been married 5 years, he has a 9 year old daughter from a previous marriage. We now have a toddler at 17 months. My first child was unplanned. My mirena had recently been taken out because it had implanted into my uterine wall. I had to wait until my next period to start another BC regimen, well.. Lo and behold, Baby #1! He took it pretty hard, I had just begun work at a new district (Radio officer) and he was worried about finances.. And I think just wasn't ready to committ to a baby. Eventually he accepted it and moved on with life. Not after accusing me of getting pregnant "on purpose." I had some nasty complications during pregnancy, preeclampsia, and had to stop work. Then after the baby was born I suffered a pulmonary embolism and developed an extremely hyperactive thyroid. Because of the blood clot none of my doctors felt comfortable prescribing me pill birth control, not even an IUD. I could only use barrier methods and was fitted with a diaphragm. Well here we are several months later and I just had a positive pregnancy test.. I used the stupid diaphragm! Spermicide, left it in for a few hours afterward and all! Either he has some hardcore swimmers or I have an extremely favorable atomophere in there. I thought I my thyroid was flaring up again, but when I failed to get my period today.. I was dumbfounded. I have wanted another baby, but I was totally on board to wait for him to get more adjusted and excited about the idea. One of our friends recently had an on-purpose "oopsy" with her boyfriend, and just this night he said if I turned up pregnant he would need to go work offshore for months just to calm down at me. My husband has a very volatile temper, not violent, but he stresses like no other, and he IS going to think I betrayed him.. I know he's not going to believe me, even though I've never given him reason to doubt.. I just know how he is. I know I need to get it over with, I just need a second to think clearly and maybe receive some much needed advice..
whichwayisup Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 but when I failed to get my period today.. I was dumbfounded. Did you take a pregnancy test? If no, then just because you didn't get your period today doesn't mean that you're pregnant. Okay, need to ask if it's okay..? Did your husband wear a condom too? No birth control is 100 percent safe.. I hope he doesn't get angry. If he does, you tell HIM to leave and tell him he's acting like a spoiled brat!
Author Lavenderlane Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 Yes, in fact I took three tests haha... I honestly didn't believe my eyes the first couple times and by the third one I figured yeah... 3 different tests from 3 different brands are probably a good indication that I do, in fact, have a tiny uterus invader. And no, no condom for him! I mean, short of him inserting the damned diaphragm himself there's no way I can prove to him that I used it properly! So it puts me in such an unfortunate spot.. But like we all know, no BC is 100% and it takes two to make baby-making. It just sucks, anticipating his implosion.. I'm usually a brick wall when it comes to his hissy fits, I try to let it all bounce off without fighting back. Would it be awful to tell him the news with a mediator? Maybe his mother or sister so he would feel like someone is on his side? Bleh.. I am just.. Bleh'd.
irin Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 first of all it takes two people to make a baby, it isnt you fault, if he doesnt want kids that much then maybe he should wear condom, or stop having sex, i bet he wouldnt like that idea would he. this isnt just your responsibility
Els Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 If he doesn't want a baby so badly, why is he even having condomless sex with you?? Was that your idea or his idea, to not use a condom? Honestly, this man strikes me as a very immature child himself. Adults know and understand that pregnancy is a very real risk that comes with the whole act of intercourse, especially when your sole method of BC is a diaphragm! It makes absolutely no sense that he would throw hissy fits about pregnancy when he doesn't even seem to be doing all that HE can to avoid it. Just tell him, along with a printed statistic of the failure rate of diaphragms. If he throws a tantrum and abandons you because of that, you have your answer of what to do right there. 3
Author Lavenderlane Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 I feel that way too.. At first he wouldn't even engage in any hanky panky because he wanted me on a more reliable form or birth control. I explained to him no legit doctor was going to prescribe me what he wanted due to my medical history and the heightened risk for pulmonary embolism. If he was really that paranoid, he should've bought and used the condoms. For someone who can be so good and mature regarding some things, this would not fall under the category. He's the type to fly off the handle, then wakes up in the morning more willing to hear the story. But that doesn't make the initial response any less painful. He's even said out loud to friends and family that he thinks I got pregnant the first time on purpose, which makes me feel so belittled.. When I tell him so he says if he talks about it it's just going to make HIM mad. ??
stillafool Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 I think if your husband is so against pregnancy, he should be the one to make sure he never has sex without using a condom. 1
TigerCub Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 First of all OP, when you tell him the news, do NOT start telling him acting all scared and apologetic. DON'T because that would give him the impression that it really is on you - don't do that. Tell him in a matter of fact tone that yup I'm pregnant. That's it. If he gets all upidy and throws a childish tantrum, simply say "Well, it may not be the best time to have a kid financially and we can discuss all that when you calm down, but the fact of the matter is - you were there, you took part in this so don't for a second act like this is all on me" If he turns a cold shoulder and can't man up, you probably should evaluate why you're with him. Honestly if he can't own up to his part tell him- "One word Muthaf**a : vasectomy" Honestly though, don't tell him the news all apologetic and scared - that will give him the wrong impression. 3
Author Lavenderlane Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 Thank you for telling me that I shouldn't cower when I tell him.. Because that was exactly my first reaction lol! I shouldn't feel the need to bear the sole reproductive responsibility as he is equally as capable of enforcing barrier method BC. Should I use a mediator, or tell him while his mother or sister are with us? Maybe it'd give him a little incentive to behave more level headedly, or he might feel a little less freaked if someone is there "on his side" that would be excited to hear the news? Or would that put him in even more of an awkward position and therefore make him more upset? I love the crazy guy, and yes sometimes I definitely have to evaluate our relationship and question if I can hold up to his tremendous ups and downs. The man is a roller coaster, emotionally, and it can be completely frustrating, exhausting. He is a great father with his two daughters and loves us all fiercely. He is so supportive with many things, but this is most definitely not one of his shining moments.. 1
TaraMaiden Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 No. Don't 'hide' behind people - that devalues your own strength as a woman and a mother - and actually, disrespects him, because you deprive him of the opportunity of digesting the facts normally. I fully realise why you would want to do that - but if you're big and bold enough to be married, be raising a child and have sex with your husband - you certainly have it in you to do this, 'unaided' and without the support of a safety-net. If it helps, and I'm not being facetious when I say this, remember this timely bit of advice my mother once gave me: "It doesn't matter what job they have, how much they earn, what car they drive, what clothes they wear or what kind of house they live in - They're only ever 9 years old". (Picture him in school shorts and school sweatshirt.... and make believe you're telling him, no, he can't go out to play soccer until he's done his homework!). I feel this advice suits your situation, because he's acted pretty immaturely up to now. Having children is a two-person event. he might have had '3 minutes of blissful enjoyment' - but sometimes, such abandon comes at a price. And it's - unfortunately for him - time to pay. 2
Els Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Is there any reason that you'd fear for your well-being or safety if you tell him without anyone else being present, OP?
TigerCub Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Thank you for telling me that I shouldn't cower when I tell him.. Because that was exactly my first reaction lol! I shouldn't feel the need to bear the sole reproductive responsibility as he is equally as capable of enforcing barrier method BC. Should I use a mediator, or tell him while his mother or sister are with us? Maybe it'd give him a little incentive to behave more level headedly, or he might feel a little less freaked if someone is there "on his side" that would be excited to hear the news? Or would that put him in even more of an awkward position and therefore make him more upset? I love the crazy guy, and yes sometimes I definitely have to evaluate our relationship and question if I can hold up to his tremendous ups and downs. The man is a roller coaster, emotionally, and it can be completely frustrating, exhausting. He is a great father with his two daughters and loves us all fiercely. He is so supportive with many things, but this is most definitely not one of his shining moments.. You're welcome OP. I did think that would be your instinct because you are afraid of upsetting him with this news. I wouldn't use a mediator, kind of for the reasons that you mentioned and just because this is not an intervention or bad news like infidelity or losing all your family's life savings because of a gambling problem. You got pregnant, HE got you pregnant, you used birth control, but these things fail sometimes. Tell him the news, calmly and matter of fact like and treat him like an adult until he proves to be otherwise if he throws a tantrum. You're his wife, he's the father of your children, you did nothing wrong - no mediators or telegrams needed Tell him, but don't fall into the trap of taking full responsibility for this - he's in too. I hope it goes well 1
Author Lavenderlane Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 Oh no, I do not physically have fear of my husband. Use of a mediator would be explicitly to help to potentially stem off the volume of the fit he is going to throw. But you're right, it would not be fair to him to thrust him into the situation in front of even his sister and not give him his moment to digest the facts and behave how he so chooses. Best case scenario, he jumps up and curses my name and the day we met, accuse me of having not used BC, and walks out for the evening to think and calm down. Worst case scenario is all of the above, but never calms downs haha..
TaraMaiden Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Just remember this: "His reaction and mood are his choice. This is real. he will have to come to terms with it. I am not to blame for this. This is not my fault." And yes, as someone said earlier - a Vasectomy is a sure-fire way of preventing this from happening. And it's a much simpler op, with far fewer complications for a man, than it is for a woman to have her 'tubes tied'. 2
denise_xo Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Best case scenario, he jumps up and curses my name and the day we met, accuse me of having not used BC, and walks out for the evening to think and calm down. Worst case scenario is all of the above, but never calms downs haha.. That sounds like hard work. You must be a very patient person.
Author Lavenderlane Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 Honestly I think this unnerving sense of anxiety and apprehension pertaining to my husband is a deep sense of sadness for him. This past weekend he was so stressed. He is in a steady profession, and in a position of power within it.. But he hates it, despite the comfortable salary, he hates the company, and hates that it takes him away from us often, and hates that work often comes home with him singe cant enjoy being home. I believe if it weren't for the stress load he would be a much calmer man. He wants desperately to go back and finish college, and I want that for him.. No one likes to think of their loved one unhappy.. He hasn't quit and gone back to school because when I got sick and had to stop working, it was not feesible for me to return to work, and he concurred that it was better that I stayed with the baby rather than paying for daycare.. But of course the financial burden falls on him. I feel guilty. He said last weekend that we were going to have to consider a lifestyle change because his job was making him so unhappy that he knew he was taking it out on me at times.. It's such a ill-timed spot to be in..
denise_xo Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Honestly I think this unnerving sense of anxiety and apprehension pertaining to my husband is a deep sense of sadness for him. This past weekend he was so stressed. He is in a steady profession, and in a position of power within it.. But he hates it, despite the comfortable salary, he hates the company, and hates that it takes him away from us often, and hates that work often comes home with him singe cant enjoy being home. I believe if it weren't for the stress load he would be a much calmer man. He wants desperately to go back and finish college, and I want that for him.. No one likes to think of their loved one unhappy.. He hasn't quit and gone back to school because when I got sick and had to stop working, it was not feesible for me to return to work, and he concurred that it was better that I stayed with the baby rather than paying for daycare.. But of course the financial burden falls on him. I feel guilty. He said last weekend that we were going to have to consider a lifestyle change because his job was making him so unhappy that he knew he was taking it out on me at times.. It's such a ill-timed spot to be in.. I see how that's a very difficult spot to be in. But still, remember that while none of you could foresee your health problems, your current pregnancy is as much his responsibility as it is yours. I don't have much additional advice, but I wish you all the best
the ill-made knight Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Outside of you telling him this news, which I can only say you must woman up and do, your husband needs some type of counseling to handle his temper. If you are afraid to talk to him to tell him, he has a problem. Also, despite the circumstances, I would not let him or anyone else rain on your parade. No, perhaps this isn't the best time for you to be having another child, but I don't think it ever really is. Enjoy this pregnancy. Enjoy the child that you have and the child to come. 5
BetheButterfly Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 (edited) You got pregnant, HE got you pregnant, you used birth control, but these things fail sometimes. Tell him the news, calmly and matter of fact like and treat him like an adult until he proves to be otherwise if he throws a tantrum. This is very good advice. I understand a little how you feel, OP. My husband uses condoms because at the moment, we don't feel like we're in a satisfactory financial situation for having a baby. I've never been pregnant (as far as I know) before. He has a son from an earlier relationship. If I got pregnant right now, I know he would worry about money. It would be lovely if things were "perfect" for the baby's arrival...if your husband had his education and a career he absolutely loves, and money was not an issue. However, for many people, the reality is not perfect. You and your husband are not alone. I agree that you need to tell him calmly and without fear. Hopefully he will act like a man and not a little child. If he does act like a child, tell him you don't appreciate it if he tells you mean words, that you love him and that having children is actually a blessing that some couples who can't conceive would love. If he gets mad, maybe you can ask him concerning if he would like for the baby to be adopted by a couple who would love to have a baby? That is an option, though for me personally I wouldn't be able to give my baby up... I think (though I've never had the experience) I would grow very attached to the tiny little human in my womb... See this experience as exciting and an adventure!!! Don't be afraid to ask for help from the government or a spiritual institution... there are programs that strive to help parents in need. Human beings thrive when we work together and help and support and encourage each other. Remember that and don't be scared. Life has surprises but when people work together, it helps everyone! I love the proverb, "It takes a whole village to raise a child." Please let him know that it's not just him and you against the world. There are people willing to come alongside and help in this journey called life! Adding a new little life is a blessing!!! Don't be afraid. If he gets mad, hopefully later he will see that babies are blessings, even during hard times. As my Dad likes to say, "When the going gets tough, the tough get tougher!" Edited September 6, 2012 by BetheButterfly
pteromom Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 He wants desperately to go back and finish college, and I want that for him.. No one likes to think of their loved one unhappy.. He hasn't quit and gone back to school because when I got sick and had to stop working, it was not feesible for me to return to work, and he concurred that it was better that I stayed with the baby rather than paying for daycare. This is no reason he can't go back to college. He could be going every Saturday, or doing online classes, or going for an hour every day after work. Yes, it would take him longer, but if he really wants it, he can do it. It's not on YOU to make his career decisions for him. As far as the pregnancy, you don't need to feel guilty, because guilt means you had an INTENTION to do this. You didn't. You did NOTHING WRONG. You used your contraception. You had sex with your husband. And it happened. Pregnancy is always a risk when you have sex, and it isn't fair that he is willing to take that risk, but then blame YOU when the odds catch up with him. I feel for you, because my DH is much like yours. I always have to find the best time to bring up any sensitive subject, because his reactions are unpredictable. So I get what you are facing. You just have to do it... 1
pink_sugar Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Honestly I think this unnerving sense of anxiety and apprehension pertaining to my husband is a deep sense of sadness for him. This past weekend he was so stressed. He is in a steady profession, and in a position of power within it.. But he hates it, despite the comfortable salary, he hates the company, and hates that it takes him away from us often, and hates that work often comes home with him singe cant enjoy being home. I believe if it weren't for the stress load he would be a much calmer man. He wants desperately to go back and finish college, and I want that for him.. No one likes to think of their loved one unhappy.. He hasn't quit and gone back to school because when I got sick and had to stop working, it was not feesible for me to return to work, and he concurred that it was better that I stayed with the baby rather than paying for daycare.. But of course the financial burden falls on him. I feel guilty. He said last weekend that we were going to have to consider a lifestyle change because his job was making him so unhappy that he knew he was taking it out on me at times.. It's such a ill-timed spot to be in.. I think that is an excuse for him not to go back to school. He doesn't have to quit his job. I work a normal 9-5 job and I take online classes. He could take one or two classes at a time...either night school or distance learning courses. Online classes cater to working people with families whom for it's not practical to attend campus. 1
pink_sugar Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 My dad also blamed and still resents my mom 20+ years later for having my brother. (granted she did lie about being on BC) BUT he wouldn't use condoms either because he didn't like the feel of them...so he still has to take some responsibility. But my dad is a raging narcissist, so he does nothing wrong in his eyes. Having to live with the fact that my dad didn't want us was very hard and he took it out on us. I hope your husband wouldn't do that. 1
Author Lavenderlane Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 He loves his two girls, and I hope although accepting the pregnancy will be difficult, he will love this little squish too. But I can not live with him holding a grudge either, I expect to have that conversation about it not bein okay to accuse me of betraying him.. It's not like my first thought when I saw that plus sign on the test was "OH WONDERFUL!" I had hours of ambivalence, shock, doubt, and surprise.. I am more adjusted now that it's sunk in, and he needs that shock absorbing period as well.. There's never going to be a good moment to tell him.
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